Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

I’m only half-kidding here. Voting laws have always stated that anyone who’s legally able to run for a given public office may run for said office. To make the people aware of their intentions to run, candidates need mega $$$, much as Pepsi pumps its seemingly endless millions into sponsoring all kinds of whacky things. While I’m not 100% sure what the age minimum is on a governor job, I figure it’s worth a shot. Fuck, if Gary Coleman can do it, why not me? Now, to be put on the official ballot along with the rest of these crazies, I would have to come up with several thousand (I don’t remember the specific) dollars. Instead, I ask for you to write me in. A write-in is just as legal, I just don’t have to pay to be on the ballot. So, here’s why I deserve your vote:

1. We need an openly insane, pierced, tattooed, experienced-with-drugs governor.

2. I would insist on a 170% tax on breast implants and plastic surgery. With the exception of those who have been horribly disfigured in car accidents – in which case, it would be covered by insurance and/or the government itself. While some might decide to go out of town for the breast implants, those who do will be forced to pay back-tax on said operation, or have the surgery reversed. Since this isn’t possible for most other plastic surgeries (mostly facial reconstruction and alteration), the facial plastic surgery would, unfortunately, slip past this law. Still, there’s one way to pay off that deficit.

3. The Pre-Birth Certificate. Any unmarried couple deciding to have children must sign a PRE birth certificate, in which the father agrees to help support the child. If the father leaves before the child is 18, then AND ONLY THEN will he pay child support. If no PRE birth certificate (also to be referred to as a “pre-birth agreement”) is filed, the woman having the child is solely responsible for the child’s well-being. Mothers who must go on welfare to support the child on their own will have their children given up for adoption, with visitation rights, until they can afford the child. This should cut down on you fly-by-night post-teen women who think it’s a-okay to just pop out kids and tax the rest of us because you think it’s your right. Sorry, having children is a privilege, NOT A RIGHT. In the event that the father wants to keep the child, and the mother does not – the mother has the option of signing over full responsibility for the child’s well-being and upbringing to the father, in which case all the rules that would normally apply to the mother will now apply to the full-rights father. Abortions are paid for by the state, performed at Planned Parenthood.

4. Any worker in the state of California that does not have at least a late middle school reading and writing equivalency (and a high-school speaking level) in english will not be allowed to work for beyond $3/hour over current minimum wage, in business establishments where written, or spoken-word english is more than 30% of the job requirements. Accelerated learning classes for children and adults will be provided by the state, free of charge, with commute also being provided – or gas reimbursed for those who drive and/or carpool. The classes will be twice a week, for 2 hours at a time, for 4 months. In addition, when a student of these courses passes the class with at least an 85% or higher score s/he will be mandatorily given a $.50/hour raise by their employer, or said employer will be fined $500/month, per employee that they fail to give a “satisfactory english understand benefit” to. Employees must allow reasonable time off from the job, without pay, for this training to occur. Any employer who releases the employment of a new (less than 8 months) graduate from the program must file a documented reason for their intentions, to be signed by at least 3 witnesses, not including the establishment’s manager. Failure to do so will result in the business being forced to pay 60% of the employee’s average monthly pay for 6 months, or until the past employee finds another job (whichever comes first).

5. ALL drugs, legal or otherwise, will be treated with equal rights. In the case of currently illegal drugs, the current cartels of their specific industry will have the option to sell their business to the California government, or pay reasonable taxes on their outgoing crop just like anyone else. Drugs that have not been officially taxed will be considered illegal, and punishable by law. As with every other product that can be bought or sold – private, non-business sales will require a sales permit in order to be legally sold by non-businesses.

6. The public will be educated that second-hand smoke does not kill, is relatively harmless, and smoking indoors at reasonable establishments (restaurants, bars, business owner’s discretion) will be up to the business owner to decide. As a bonus for you anti-smokers, cigarette companies will never be allowed to advertise publicly, nor in any magazine that can be purchased by a minor – this, of course, only applies to magazines produced in California or sold solely in California. Free periodicals may not advertise tobacco-related products at any time. Smokers wishing to know about the latest advertisements from cigarette companies, outside of aforementioned periodicals, may sign a registered smoker’s form – and cigarette companies may contact you ONLY via regular U.S. Mail (and only once a month per cigarette corporation, per household) or via e-mail if you denote (the companies will not have possession of the e-mail addresses, instead they will have to relay the message through a California Government office, where the e-mail will then be sent out to you. This eliminates the possibility of cigarette companies selling your e-mail address to other companies). You may sign up for, or cancel your registration on this list at any time, via the California government’s website. Only those of legal age (over 18) may register.

7. Apartment complexes throughout California are only allowed to charge up to an additional $300 security deposit on cats, dogs, and other “mess-inducing” animals. However, no additional monthly charges will be allowed to be charged. All apartments must allow at least one (1) cat per registered occupant, and/or no less than one (1) dog (of any size, or breed) per four (4) registered occupants. In cases where a pet’s damage is beyond that of the security deposit, a trial will be held to determine the damages.

8. I will not bow to corporations’ desires for new laws, or changes in current laws. Being governor would be cool enough for me, and surely I could ride that success for the remainder of my life. I would not need their dirty countless millions. I know you probably don’t believe me – but then, I doubt any other people running for Governor can say that they’d had sex with less-than-desirable women so they could pay the rent. I can. And, that is only one in a long line of ways to prove that money is little more than a means for living life to me, not something I need shitloads of. And, certainly not a motivator for corruption of an already crumbling democracy.

9. I will truly be the people’s governor. People with a strong enough cause can rally together, and the organizer of the cause may schedule a meeting with me to discuss the issue. The cause must be supported by at least 51% of the people it will affect, as long as it affects more than 20,000 people. I’m sure most of my time would be spent in these meetings – that’s cool by me. And, the general public will always be aware of these meetings via a live radio and internet radio feed, updated as events occur.

10. Gay marriages will be treated and carried out no differently, legally, than “straight” marriages. This also applies to polyamorous weddings, as long as all parties are fully consenting (and sober!). All parties involved will be given a standard sobriety test prior to final marriage certificate signing. If they fail, they may try to file again after 36 hours.

11. Sex laws are as follows: Any act carried out by consenting adults, between consenting adults, and involving ONLY consenting adults is legal. ONLY adults may have sex with adults. ONLY minors may have sex with minors. Parents of minors, and the minors themselves (who are ultimately responsible for engaging in sexual activity), have final say over these laws – with exceptions given to any adult over the age of 26, not being able to have any kind of sexual relations, nor marriage to, someone under the age of 18. Animals, and children under the age of 14, are strictly off-limits to everyone. Believe me, you hormonally imbalanced 13 year olds – you CAN wait a year, it won’t kill you.

12. Alimony laws will be as follows. The top-income-maker of a married couple will only relinquish their wealth and/or belongings if possessions of value were increased within a substantial amount (over 60% increase from before the marriage) while said top-income-maker was married, for at least 10 years. Example: Person A makes $40k/year. Person A marries Person B, who makes $30k/year. If throughout at least 10 years of marriage, Person A ends up making over $70k a year, upon divorce – Person B would be entitled to 50% of the valued possessions that were made possible by that additional $35k/year. If valued possessions means physical money in the bank, 40% of the adjusted money (meaning, again, that extra $35k/year) will be given to Person B upon divorce. In a case where children are involved, at least 50% of the final adjusted alimony must go to the child’s well-being. Alimony that must be made in payments cannot exceed 10 years, nor can Person B collect that money if/when they are remarried. As for children – alimony payments that must me made in installments and that would go for the child must be made for at least 10 years, or until the youngest child is 18 – whichever comes first.

13. The RIAA, and record labels doing business in California, will no longer be allowed to persecute individuals who share, download, or trade copyrighted music. Furthermore, the RIAA, the government, and the people must come to some sort of agreement by 2005 – or digitally encoded music (i.e. music that is not being sold as a physical artist-sanctioned CD, Record, Tape, or 8-track) of any kind will become public domain.

14. Legalized Gambling.

15. Legalized prostitution, and stiff fines and/or penalties for abuse of sex-workers, and non-payment for services rendered.

16. Drinking Age will be 18.

17. No cutoff time for alcohol sales. Businesses may set their own hours for alcohol sales – and they have final say in the matter.

18. Welfare is as follows. Welfare will be provided for men, women, and those with children – at a rate matching that of their income (below $30k for one person, and $50k for two people), up to $500/month per child (maximum of 2 children per person, 4 children per married couple), and up to $400 for non-parents, $200 for parents (as an incentive to NOT have children until you can afford them). Example: Person A has 2 children, and makes $1,000/month. The goverment will give them $500 per child (so, $1,000) + $200 for themselves. Person B has no children, but makes $25,000/year. That works out to roughly $400/week, or $1,200/month. That person would be entitled to $400/month from the gov’t. The child payments for parents w/children will not be made in cash, but in Child Stamps. These child stamps are redeemable for medicine fit for children, diapers, HEALTHY food (i.e. – no McDonald’s), and other things like normal school supplies, etc. At no time will the option be given to trade the stamps in for cash – as the stamps are actually just a gov’t issued credit card that can only be used on items approved as those one would purchase for children – and not themselves. That means no buying alcohol, cigarettes, sleeping pills, or Vogue magazine. That’s why you work, after all. Parents who choose to further their careers with schooling and excess training in their field of interest will be given great discounts on that education. Also, if the educational institution must be attended at night due to scheduling conflicts with work, and the children’s schooling – an evening child care program will be put into effect, which could consist of monitored gov’t sanctioned home babysitters, or a gov’t-run childcare center. Where applicable, transportation will also be provided.

19. C’mon… why not? Me, as Governor? Wouldn’t that rock?

20. You want my mom to have the ultimate Trump Card at the “Who’s children are doing best in life?” game that moms play whenever they bump into each other at the grocery store.

21. Because, deep down, you realize that while my totally-serious, and semi-idealistic goals as a governor are kind of crazy; they also make sense, and you actually agree with them, more than just in theory.

Like I said, I’m only half-kidding about running. But, as for the issues – I’m 100% serious. That is just a small sampling of my utopia. I know you’ve got some Rush Limbaugh-esque reasoning in the back of your heads on why none it would ever work – but then, you’re theorizing moreso than I have, so your claims are no more or less validated than mine. I might not be a politician, or a gov’t expert – but look at what they’ve done for us. Now… think of what I would do. Write in “Rev. Mitcz” for governor. If I only get 5 votes, I’ll feel I’ve succeeded – and, besides, where else would those 5 votes count? If any of these potential governors have any chance, they’re gonna need a lot more than those 5 votes, ya know?

Don’t be a mean, silly bitch.
Vote for me – Rev. Mitcz!

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