Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

Having recently found myself single (gee, imagine that), I’ve gone back to some of my “old ways” of finding women-folk. I really do dig on women, and I enjoy keeping a multitude of casual dates around me whenever possible. Variety, after all, is the spice of life. However, in my recent attempts at finding women online – I’ve had some issues. I’d like to discuss what I think is bad form and what I think is good form in regards to online personals.

Before I begin, you should probably know that I heed my own advice here and I’ve made what I think to be a very good personals ad on Nerve. It’s by no means “perfect” and I’ve seen many that were better, however I feel that looking through the profile, one can get a pretty good idea for how I am, how I look, how I act, etc. Friends of mine that have seen it agree, and women I’ve dated (including those I’ve met via that ad) have echoed similar sentiments.

So, if you’d like, you may peruse at your leisure My Nerve Profile

Pictures

Let me quickly kill the age-old bullshit argument about how requiring an image of the person one is trying to “woo” is considered “shallow” – because it truly is a bullshit argument. Looks fucking matter. The only people who seem to argue that they “shouldn’t matter” are those unfortunate few that are self-loathing enough to find themselves very unattractive (which, sadly, they are in most cases). Yeah, that was blunt and harsh, but let’s just be honest with ourselves here, shall we?

If I’m gonna have sex with you – I’m going to need to be turned on. For me, that means that I’ll need to be attracted to you. My attraction is not solely based on exterior looks, but is at least partially so. All things considered, if you’re posting a personals ad online, you’re including various tidbits about yourself, shit you want others to know, and perhaps an image of yourself. Would I be called shallow if I complained that someone didn’t include any basic details about their personality on a personals ad? No, I certainly wouldn’t. However, it would be just as shallow to base one’s attraction on someone just on their text as it would be just on their looks. Shallow, in this case, meaning “not basing an opinion on the full picture”. Ya know, like how a pool with very little content is considered a “shallow pool”.

Now, onto the content of pictures. Understand that I will be scrutinizing these pics and cross-comparing because usually you get about 2-3 pictures (at best) that could actually show you what a person looks like and if they all look different, it’s just confusing as fuck. Furthermore, there’s a variety of things people just love to do w/their personal ad photos that just make my job as a male in search of a female that much more difficult. So, here’s what I don’t want to see…

1. Artsy Photoshop Crap – Look, I wanna see you, not your goddamned impression of you mixed with the polarizing filter and a collage of flowers and fuckin’ teddy bears intertwining with your face. Besides, Photoshop in the hands of an amateur is rarely a good thing, and simply shows you make cheap art for thrills. Another reason not to bother contacting you.
2. Far-Away, Blurry, Vacation Photos – I see this all the time. “Here’s a picture taken from 1/2 a mile away of me in clothes I only wear when I’m on vacation, leaning against a rock”. I can’t see your face, your body’s all covered up, and I don’t care where you vacationed at. Use a fuckin’ zoom lens or stop wasting my time.
3. Little or no lighting – Again, what’s the point? Most of the time I can look at these weak attempts at photographic Rorschach and go “ohh… I think that’s her arm.. and that’s her… no, wait, that’s her arm…”. Fuck it. I don’t wanna play “where’s the girl?” with personal ads.
4. Pics of multiple people – Unless you specifically say, somewhere else in the profile “btw, I’m the 2nd girl from the left in that pic”, I don’t like this shit either. Now, I know some people think “well, this girl’s blonde and there’s only one blonde in the pic..” but it’s rarely that easy. What if she dyed her hair recently? What if her head is tilted back? What if this is the only one of the 2-3 pics she’s posted that actually shows her face and I’ve got no way of knowing which of these girls is her? Just remember – only you and your closest friends could pick you out of a lineup. I’m a stranger, I know nothing of you.
5. Glamour Shots – Soft lighting, soft focus, wild hair, lots of makeup.. I know you don’t look like that, and most of the time these look ridiculous anyway. Professional photos of you? Fine. This artsy “send this photo to grandma” bullshit? Fuck no.
6. You on Halloween – You look like this photo one day out of the year, at best. Why would you want me to base my opinion of you, and my subsequent level of attraction, on what you look like 1/365ths of the year? Bad idea.

Personally, I say on sites like Nerve, MySpace, et al. that give you options for multiple pictures – give me one good close-up face shot, one good body shot, and something candid or professional (ya know, like “you at your very best”). Beyond that, I could give a fuck. Just remember – this is all I’ve got to go on about you, so make ‘em accurate at least will ya? Ask your friends “does this look like me?” if they say “on a really good day” – then you’re probably okay unless that “really good day” was the aforementioned 31st day of October.

Content

This is a place where you can either shine, or shoot yourself in the foot. Having done both, I’ve learned a lot about the delicate balance of saying enough but not too much. While no one wants to sit and read a novel, it also stands that giving someone very little beyond shabbily-contrived, ill-thought 1/2 sentences will ensure that those contacting you are doing so simply because you’ve got at least one hot photo that entices them. If that doesn’t bother you – and that’s not my place to decide – then fine. But if you want them to like “your mind as well as your body” you’re going to need to at least show you have a fucking mind.

I’m going to reference Nerve specifically here because I really do think they’ve got an amazing little system there, and I really dig on their profile questions. However, these rules could apply to other sites as well.

1. Don’t mention the same thing twice – Twice might be a little militant, I’ll grant you, but following that rule will keep you in good hands. If you mention the same point, person, band, etc. more than once or twice – you’ll sound obsessive. A good “for instance” in this case would be those minivans you’ve seen around your town that have 2 bumper stickers for a sports team, a license plate holder for that team, a vanity license that somehow represents that team and to top it off, they’ve got a little flag hanging from the back of the team’s logo. Yeah, we get it. You like the Lakers. I’ve read more than a few profiles in my time that mention something very basic, like.. say, a cat, and I think “hmm.. this chick’s really into her cat isn’t she?”. Again, this is all I’ve got to go from. If you say it twice, you’re obviously obsessing over that thought.
2. Avoid Discussion of Exes – Everyone hates at least one of their exes. Most of the people on personals sites have been dealt a recently bad hand, and/or are just tired of the same old riff-raff at their local stomping grounds. That being the case, you can leave out things like “don’t be a liar. I hate fucking liars”. Yeah, lemme guess – your ex boyfriend lied to you about some other girl, right? Obsessive comes to mind again. Furthermore, saying anything about your ex shows that you’re holding a petty grudge and maybe you’re looking to get a hate-fuck by proxy. I don’t mind being someone’s hate-fuck, personally, but I’m not most people.
3. Try to avoid being coy – Granted, this could work to your advantage because now people have an opening “line” they can ask you about, but in most cases the coyness just comes off as teasing and I don’t like a tease. Also, I know enough about people (and men specifically) to know that they’re all using that one coy line as an excuse to hit on you, and while I don’t like taking bait, I also don’t like avoiding the elephant in the room.
4. You must want what you want – I’ve come across more than a few profiles that ask for people to “just be honest” or “I like people being blunt”, and I think “so if I sent this girl a message that simply said – ‘here’s honesty for ya.. I think you’re attractive and we’d get along well in bed’ would they run away?”. Turns out, the answer has been “yes” 10 out of 10 times. Oops. Why didn’t they say “I appreciate honesty, but if you’re just looking to fuck – move along.” Fine, that I can deal with.
5. Find in yourself what you ask in others – This is kind of an extension of the previous thought, but if you ask for someone to be confident and forthright and these kinds of things, your having cold feet and textually stuttering over basic concepts will make you a hypocrite in this case.
6. Be Yourself – It may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised at the amount of misrepresentation that goes on in one’s profile. If you’re not one to speak eloquently and in a semi-prose fashion, don’t serve me this profile riddled with words that were constantly Dictionary-checked and obsessed over for hours on end. I don’t mind if you’re a person of few words – but those words should be your own, at the very least
7. Height/Weight – In most personals ads, there is a place for your height/weight to go. That being the case, if you don’t provide a weight and don’t provide any photos that show beneath your upper shoulders (or even higher in some cases), you may as well just post “Oh, and I’m fat” in your profile cause you’re not fooling anyone. If you’re the type who likes the BBWs – more power to ya, my man. However, men in search of larger girls should also be able to find them with ease, so leaving out your weight won’t help you there, either. If you’re trying to pull the “if they loved me, they wouldn’t care” bullshit – save it for someone who wants to buy swampland in New Orleans.

Some Good Ideas

DO give me an idea of good conversation starters. A good example would be something like “if you like discussing (fill in musical genre)’s influence on (fill in subculture), feel free to contact me”. Maybe I know nothing of the social impact of The Monkeys on post-war Russia, but I just might send you a message asking you just what the hell you’re talking about, so you can explain it to me.

DO tell me what kinds of things you do or don’t like in the people you’re seeking out. If you’re not fond of smokers – please, for fuck’s sake, say something about that. Furthermore, if something is negotiable (smoking, again, comes to mind) then tell me that, too.

DO include music/movies that you enjoy. Nerve provides some pretty good spots to do that, albeit in an overtly sexual manner, and I love it when I find a profile that goes from “good” to “even better” because they listed someone like Mike Patton or Tom Waits in their “mood music” section. Also, this gives us something to talk about. That’s important.

DO create mystery and intrigue in your profile. Again, we want to avoid being too coy, but mystery can be had with ease in most profiles. Mine, I’ll admit, lacks a certain air of mystery through my wordiness, but I think I touch on enough random subjects to at least allude to my being multi-faceted in some sense and that in itself can create mystery in the right inquisitive individuals.

DO try and be light-hearted. No one likes a sharp-nosed prick (or bitch). This isn’t Evening At The Improv, but selective humor can go a long way in attracting the right person.

Conclusion

This list is by no means complete, and I’m sure I’ll add to it as time goes on. But, I’d like to think I’ll encourage at least one person to edit (or create) a decent profile, and if I help that one person get laid – then I win, goddamnit.

Feel free to post your own suggestions, annoyances, corrections, and/or criticisms below.

Diggin' my shit? Well then..