Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

Randomly came across one of those “lists” women make of things men do wrong. This time, it was 41 bedroom-related tasks that men fumble around and fuck up. While I’d hardly claim to be perfect, and I know there’s a great deal of men that could use advice of that sort – these lists reek of pretension and Princess Syndrome. Besides, if men listened to women about what women wanted, they’d never get another date. Women don’t know shit about what they want (I’ve mentioned this before). However, in the interest of fair play, I’m going to peruse this little “list” and respond where necessary.

1) KISS THE GIRL
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Okay, if it’s a first date – I’m with you on this one. I mean I’d be lying if I said I never had a woman avoid my lips and find herself crotch-bound on a first date. But I like that sorta thing, and I know you women like to be romanced (and/or lied to).

Barring the first date, however, you can’t pretend there isn’t something at least kinda hot about a guy surprising you with some “oral salvation” (hey0h! parody show plug). Again, maybe not all the time, and it depends on comfort – but let’s not make these blanket statements. People are boring enough in bed without all this misguided encouragement to avoid lesser-chosen paths.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

Addendum to this point – how about suggesting blowing across the ear, hmm? Like, blowing towards the lobe area. Especially after a subtle lick? I know a great deal of women who like that – if done correctly. Oh. Wait. We’re supposed to be berating men like they’re common house pets in need of a nose-rubbing in the proverbial feces, right? My bad.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

Lest you forget you’ve got that same porcupine effect betwixt your legs. Shaving is good for all parties involved, I’ll agree.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Everyone’s different. Men, just feel things out. I mean that literally. Give it a little squeeze and see how she responds. Maybe twist the nipples ever-so-gently. See how she responds. While some women like a “soft caressing”, I’ve even had women ask me to slap their tits. Yes, like an ass. SLAP! Feel things out, that’s your best bet.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a dogie toy isn’t.

Apparently we hang with a different crowd, Princess. Everyone is different, again, and while I would discourage men from biting into it like it’s taffy – I’d also discourage blanket statements like this one. Feel things out. Err… nibble things out. They wouldn’t make nipple clamps if there wasn’t a market for them. That market is there because some people (yes, Princess, maybe even you) finally get a little necessary roughness in the right areas and oh look! A new sensation!

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

Oh, shut up. Twiddling is fine. It shouldn’t be the only thing you do, sure, but who doesn’t like a little twiddling? Believe me, men like THE WHOLE BREAST. It’s a vast playground, though, so we like to spend time in certain areas for a little while before we move on. You wanna get nit-picky, I’ve got a few things to say about a vast majority of women’s blowjob/handjob techniques while we’re at it.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

Okay, fair enough. However, I’d like to add that teasing around the highlight areas can be quite the turn-on for most, as well. Necks are good, too. I’m not a foot person, personally, but some people (New Jersey, I’m looking at you) swear by them.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Women can be tricky. Sometimes, that 3-4 seconds it takes to get certain articles off of them is the time they take to decide they don’t wanna do it anymore. I used to avoid wearing underwear for just that reason.

That having been said…
Why don’t you take the initiative and just offer to remove them yourself? Is it so much to ask that we don’t have to play rudimentary psychic for once? I know, I know, you don’t wanna come off like a slut – but hey, if we’re already putting fingers in you it’s a little late for that charade.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

I have no idea what this is about. Are men regularly taking condoms off and then asking the women to swallow it or something? Men, I think what Princess is saying that it’s a simple “be right back” and FLUSH! in the toilet. Or the bushes, if you’re outdoors. I agree.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

I’ll let this one slide. That’s pretty good advice. But even still – everyone’s different.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, tired hands, numb jaw or not.

Okay, seriously. You can fuck right off. Women – raise your hand if you’ve given a 30-40 minute blowjob or handjob in your life. Now, keep it raised if you’ve done that on a regular basis. Men – raise your hand if you’ve gone down on a woman or fingered her for that long. Keep ‘em raised if you consider this a regular activity. I’m betting there’s more men with their hands raised right now. That’s pretty much standard fare for us men. When we go down, we know it’s gonna be for a while. If the jaw gets tired to the point of near-lockjaw, and/or the hands are starting to lock up – sorry, but stopping might be the only thing keeping us from a hospital visit.

Not only do I have to know your exact sexual composition at every step of the way, I can’t take a fuckin’ breath or get a pubic hair out of my teeth, or (god forbid), move on to something else while my jaw relaxes after some marathon session – now I’m being told that I’ll have to start all over again. And you wonder why some men are lazy? Can you really fuckin’ blame them? I say be happy with what you’re getting, Princess.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

I’ll trade you “unwrapping her like an elegant present” for “figure out how to work a fuckin’ belt when you’re trying to get a man’s pants off”. How’s that? Moreover – do you have ANY fuckin’ clue how painful getting a blowjob through a half-unzipped zipper can be because you’re too lazy to unbuckle a belt? Ow.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

Fair enough.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

I agree here, as well. Getting some of nature’s lube on your finger by rubbing her clit (and surrounding areas/parts) before diving in is a good idea.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

That makes sense. Though, I mean, if you know what the hell you’re doing… maybe elbows work. I dunno. Personally, I give a rough massage but it’ll loosen you up pretty quick, so it does the trick.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

Let me just make a kind suggestion back to women that you tend to take a very long time getting any of our clothes off. And, as noted above, you tend to need help. Hurry it along and we won’t need to take the initiative to do it for you.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

Oh, absolutely. Ixnay on the socks.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

That’s the worst thing? Rough sex? Hard fucking? The WORST thing? Remind me to put you in touch with about 40+ of my exes before you make such blanket statements.

Everything in moderation. Everyone’s different. It was in thinking that women didn’t like the hard fucking that kept me from doing it for so long. Since I’ve “seen the light”, I can’t think of the last woman I met who didn’t like getting drilled like a pro for as long as she can take it (and as long as I can last doing it).

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

Again, we’re clearly not hanging out with the same crowds. Your mileage may vary. That’s all I’m sayin’

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Oh, If only you could see fists curled up with the middle fingers of a nation of men pointing at you right now. Seriously, we’ve gotta do all this fuckin’ work, make sure every little nuance is absolutely to your exact specifications, every inch of your body has to be in pure ecstatic bliss, and now we’ve gotta worry that we have to keep this finely-tuned machine pumping away for as long as it takes (and for some women, that could be awhile) lest we face the wrath of you pummeling our egos both in person and to every open ear that’ll listen to your gripes for as long as you can stand to spread the word?

Fuck. You.

How about you get some fuckin’ manners and NOT berate a guy for “coming too soon”? Why not smile and enjoy all he’s done for you, and then just lay there with him? Maybe play w/yourself for awhile? That’ll turn a guy on so he can go at it again with Your Highness.

You can’t have it all. If a guy actually followed every single rule on this list – he’d have to be REALLY into the idea of pleasuring you. With that comes enjoyment, and us men aren’t (by nature) tuned to withstand that much pleasure for a great long while. Like I said, it’s a trade-off. Much like the proportion of “batshit insane” to “really fuckin’ hot” when it comes to women. The more attractive they are, the more batshit insane they are.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

Wah! Wah! Wah! If it ain’t one thing, it’s another. Him not coming soon enough isn’t the problem – his not keeping you thoroughly climaxed while he pummels away is the problem. Why not focus on that, instead?

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.

No, you can’t always tell. Some women scream like banshees if they get rubbed for more than 10 seconds. Some women will take the first 6 layers of skin off your lower back when they’re about to come. Hell, some women come discreetly and you just never know.

Personally, I prefer to say “how ya doin’?” cause it gets across the same point in a more tolerable way. That is, if she’s not the screaming banshee type.

Besides – shouldn’t you be pleased that he cares enough about you to ask?

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

Didn’t Your Highness say just earlier that men were too rough? Are you starting to see how much of a monumental pain in the ass some women can be in bed? And, again, you wonder why men seem insensitive and inattentive.

What if I said “okay, 2 strokes – then pull. Now, slow down. Okay, put a twist in there. Okay, good… keep that going, now don’t neglect the balls..” that would quickly become the last handjob you ever gave, I’m betting. But that’s what men do to themselves when they’re masturbating – so it’s only fair, if we’re getting nit-picky. But, oh yeah, we’re not allowed to. We’re here to serve YOU, and we’re not supposed to get off until you’re damn-well ready for us to, right?

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

Here comes that “different crowd” thing. Best head I ever got was from a woman who liked men to grab a fistful of her hair from the base near the neckline and shove a dick in her mouth. Not sayin’ ALL women like that – but SOME do.

25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That’s fine. But women like that too. That doesn’t mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There’s nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.

If I shave it all the way off, I’m gonna have to keep that up near-constantly. So, I go for a very short trim. I agree that men who like shaved women should prolly follow suit in the genital department.

26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

That’s just good manners, sure.
But while we’re at it – is it so much to ask that you audibly return the favor when we’re going down on you? Most men find it incredibly erotic if a woman shouts her near-climaxes, so.. let’s level the playing field.

27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don’t grab her head.

Here’s a tip for you women : if he’s thrusting, you’re not doing it right and he’s trying to help a little. Much like women who move their hips when you’re going down on them. They’re just trying to give you a little “push” in the right direction.

28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

I avoided coming on women for … well, most of my life, actually. Recently, I’ve discovered a great many cum-lovers who actually berated me for avoiding showering them in man-chowder. So, your mileage may vary. However, I’d like to kindly suggest (cause it’s just fuckin’ HOT) that women who are fond of the ejaculate sauce speak up and say so when he’s about to shoot. It’s beneficial to all parties, I guarantee.

29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

While I kind of agree here, in theory, you DO of course realize how lame it is that the one time you’re required to actually DO something in bed, you’re sitting there complaining that you might have to do it for too long? Let’s take a look back at #20, shall we?

30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

“Hey, can I stick my cock into your asshole?”
“no”
“damn”

Yeah, that works wonders.
While I don’t condone the ol’ Southern Trespass manuever, a little teasing with your finger AROUND the area could open her up to the experience moreso than asking outright. Cause what SOUNDS like a bad idea might actually FEEL like a good idea.

31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

Fair enough. I certainly don’t condone showing up someone else’s private files without their permission. That’s just rude. So, I’m in full agreement here.

32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

Hey, I agree here – about being imaginative! But have you realized how many times in this list men are being discouraged from wandering off a predetermined path? How imaginative is a guy gonna want to be if he’s being held to a very strict regimen of “don’t do this. do more of that. never do this. only do this on alternating Tuesdays”?

I think you get the point.

Oh, and what’s all this about hot candle wax being a no-no? Clearly, Princess here is from the land of “never saw Body of Evidence and wouldn’t know imaginative sex if it fucked her in the ass”. Bah! I say, to your candle wax bah’ing.

33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

That happens by accident. I hate that noise, too, but.. when it happens, I just take care to avoid it.

34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

See #32. How imaginative can I possibly get if you’re not willing to contort a little and try some shit out?

35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

You’re right, they don’t.
But that doesn’t mean some women (in increasing numbers, in fact) don’t thoroughly enjoy a little anal spelunking.

36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

Usually, I try to avoid leaving marks such as those. But I’ve met the occasional woman who really likes showing off her battle scars to friends/co-workers/parents/rabbi. As a good rule of thumb, I say avoid marks unless they tell you otherwise. After all, who wants an angry boyfriend/husband at the door? Not me.

37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

“That’s right, suck that cock you little whore” – doesn’t turn you on?
Wow. Different crowd, indeed.

38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

Umm… yeah. I figure it’s okay to say a few things, but I wouldn’t advise going overboard. A little “you like it when I slam your pussy like THIS” (and thrusting on ‘THIS’) can go a long way. Methinks the person who wrote this list is about as exciting in bed as reading the collected works of Carl Sagan.

39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

Oh, how nice of her. I damn near kill myself to help a girl get a little release and she MIGHT hold my balls while I finish myself off? Oh, you’re too kind.

40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

That’s what doggy style is for, kids.
If you’re gonna fuck fat guys – you know what you’re getting yourself into. If you’re worried about being squashed, take it doggystyle. I knew a girl who weighed all of about 95lbs at 5′1″ tall and she LOVED big guys. She said she’d bend over and they’d lift their stomachs, lie it on her back and fuck her doggystyle. She really got off on the way that felt, and wasn’t really into guys who couldn’t at least partially cover her back with their flesh.

41) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Funny, just last night, Trista said “Thanking is fine. I love to know I did a good job” and several people IM’ed in w/their approval. Shows what the fuck you know.

Okay kids, that about does it. I hope we all learned something here.
Now get off the damned computer and go fuck someone for christ’s sake. Or, for my sake. Whichever you prefer.

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