So, let’s say you had to explain to… someone from another country, or maybe even an “alien from outerspace” about our Wonderful American Government. You might start by saying “well, we’ve got freedom.” and they’d say “what kinda freedom?” and we’d say “well, we’re free to speak our mind about the government and other people, without prosecution or interrogation from the government”. And they’d say “really? well, that’s cool”. And you’d say “yeah, it’s great. Except that if you say certain things that might be considered UnAmerican, they’ll watch you like a hawk and find ways to subtly induce pressure on your life. Oh, and you can’t say certain words that are part of the American vernacular like Fuck, Shit, GodDamn, Motherfucker, Cunt, Cock, or describe sexual situations on adult-oriented programming unless the audience is paying to see/hear it. Oh, and freedom of speech also doesn’t apply to the freedom to see the body in its natural form because as Americans, unlike most other countries, we believe the nude form to be something that turns children into murdering little rapists because anything natural is pure evil”.
Okay, so.. KINDA freedom of speech.
Then you might say “also, we have a system where we voluntarily donate a portion of our income to help out our country’s poor and elderly folks”. And they’d say “really? wow, that’s very humanitarian of you”. And you might say “yeah, it’s great. Except that none of the money we’re donating is actually voluntary and you’ll be taken to jail for not donating. Oh, and the money doesn’t actually go to those in need – it goes to fund wars that were made up by the government to try and reclaim oil, because our country’s actually being controlled by large corporations that rely on that oil. Oh, and the money that’s supposed to go to those in need is never enough to actually sustain what many would consider a healthy, or even comfortable lifestyle. Oh, and if the poor or elderly find themselves in need of medical care, they’re probably just gonna die cause it’s a lot cheaper to bury them than to help them stay alive and healthy. Oh, and because we still expect the poor to work in order to sustain their families, they’re not able to be home to cook healthy meals so we rely on our vast network of fast food restaurants that offer them a quality meal in a quick, inexpensive package. Except that the food is neither healthy nor quality and if you say that too loud, you’ll get sued.”
Okay, so it’s KINDA humanitarian.
And maybe you’d say “well, we’ve got freedom of religion, too!” and they’d say “really? that’s great. So you can follow whichever faith you’d like, or no faith at all, and it won’t be forced on you in government institutions like school and such? And it won’t be referenced in government documents as a decree?”. And you might say “yeah, it’s great. Except that you have to place your hand on the religious text of ONE religion to be considered truthful in court. Oh, and when pledge an allegiance to our country, we have to do so before the deity of ONE religion that excludes all others. Oh, and even though every respectable modern scientist upholds the well-regarded and well-documented scientific theory of evolution – there’s ONE religion that disputes this claim and is putting pressure on public schools across the country to include their contradictory, completely non-scientific viewpoint, despite the overwhelming number of religion-neutral scientists and even scientists who subscribe to that ONE religion saying that the ONE religion’s theory is completely non-scientific and entirely faith-based. Oh, and if you’re in the military, you must subscribe to one of about 30 religions, else your tombstone be left blank if you’re killed in war.”
Okay, so….. KINDA religious freedom.
Maybe you’d be bold and say “oh, and our pursuit of happiness is literally guaranteed in writing!” and they’d be like “hot shit, man… that’s wonderful” and you’d say “yeah, it’s great. Except if you’re gay. Cause we don’t like us no damned faggots. Their freedom doesn’t matter because of that aforementioned ONE religion’s policy towards man-on-man sex, nevermind that ONE religions 1000+ other policies that aren’t incorporated into the law books cause it’s just ONE religion. Oh, and if your pursuit of happiness is sex with strangers, you’re not allowed to pay for it or ask for payment for it because apparently we’d rather sex-workers get raped than to live in a country where REAL freedom of choice is allowed. Oh, and if your pursuit of happiness is accidentally impeded by an unexpected pregnancy, you might just have to raise that child because of….. that ONE religion. Oh, and if you think you’ll get around unwanted pregnancy by utilizing this country’s vast birth control industry, you have to find a pharmacist that doesn’t have that ONE religion’s objections else you’re completely out of luck.”
Okay, so…. KINDA guaranteed a pursuit of happiness, as long as it doesn’t offend certain religious people who have no business sticking their nose in your affairs in the first place.
Finally, you might say “and to top it off – our government is one that’s run OF the people, FOR the people, and BY the people who are citizens of the country” and they’d go “ohh.. okay, so the government is a reflection of what the country is feeling, and if that feeling changes, so does the goverment?” And you’d say “yeah, it’s great. Except that it’s complete bullshit because only TWENTY NINE PERCENT of our country thinks our President is doing a satisfactory job and yet he’s STILL in the fucking president’s office, ruining our fucking lives and we’re all too busy with our fucking cellphones and gas-guzzling SUVs and our up-to-the-minute news coverage of celebrity nipple-slips and high-carb dieting techniques to get off our complacent American asses to do anything about it!”
And they’d probably say “man, fuck all that…. What’s Canada like?”
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