Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

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Got a message from an online friend today, which posed a question I’ve had posed to me many, many times. It is as follows :

A friend of mine was talking about you and I wanted to know if she was right about what you said…she said something along the lines of you thinking that it’s better to sleep w/ a guy on the first date, cuz then you don’t waste time…something like that…I’d really like to know what you think about sleeping w/ people on the first date as apposed to the third or fourth…you’re a smart guy, so your opinion means more than most.

I told her that, rather than pen some one-off quick response, I should probably just blog it instead so my opinion (if it matters to any of you out there) can be a matter of public record.

An Introduction to the issue at hand

Any of my friends who’ve known me for more than…. maybe a few months, at most, can attest that almost no matter what subject is presented around me – I’ll give some somewhat-half-joking answer, delivered like a punchline. I say “somewhat-half-joking” because I tend to really blur the line between seriousness, sarcasm, and a serious answer with a smile. To keep myself protected from backlash, I tell everyone to assume I’m joking 99.7% of the time. Even Nad, whom I’ve been friends with for some 14 years now, still has trouble discerning the blurred line between “Serious Mitcz” and “Jackass Jokemaster Mitcz” in casual discussion. For instance, when I said “I almost respect women too much these days to sleep with them, because I feel like any woman who’d wanna sleep with a piece of shit like me is obviously fooling herself into thinking ‘oh he’s not so bad’ and I get angry at women who sell themselves short. Like… wait, you’d sleep with THAT guy? Only.. I’m THAT guy” – Nad later went on to quote me to people and even tell me “yeah, I’ve wondered the same thing and tend to disrespect anyone who ends up in your bed”. He may have been joking as well, but one can never tell.

That long-winded digression was put there for a purpose, as my general response to “sex on the first date” is “look, I don’t even order from Baskin Robbins without tasting the free sample”. That’s barely a half-joke, really, cause I honestly ALWAYS get a free sample before ordering ice cream. Even if it’s vanilla, I still wanna make sure I’m in the mood for vanilla. While one might argue, as I have, that buying a scoop of ice cream is hardly a “commitment” by any stretch and therefore makes a shitty analogy towards casual sex vs relationships – I maintain that even casual sex requires a free sample.

Anecdotal reference :
I met a woman shortly after ending my 3-year-long relationship back in 2004, and we went on a “date” which was more like “let’s just meet for coffee”. Despite Eddie Izzard’s feelings to the contrary, I don’t consider “go for coffee” as code for “havin’ a shag”. While said woman and I got along fairly well, we had various conversational conflicts that have continued throughout the years. It’s like we’re both semi-struggling to make conversation and accidentally cutting each other off, and often there’s a minute or so of silence (even on the phone) where the convo doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s not that I’m nervous, I just don’t know how to converse with her – there’s some “click” that isn’t really there, and it’s been kind of a “casual acquaintance” relationship for the roughly 2 years I’ve known her.

Fast forward to just a few months ago, I got a text message from her asking if I’d be adverse to being her “booty call” if she ever got “really bored” one night. I was in the middle of launching the new M+ website and this was the last thing I could be bothered to sit and think about. So, I replied with “I’m much too busy right now to think about that”. Later, when I had some spare time to contemplate the scenario, I thought “that would probably be very awkward”. Her and I have never even kissed. We’ve never even been close to kissing. We’ve hugged, as friends do, but it seems like any sexual attraction from her to me and/or vice-versa was just never really there. With absolutely nothing to go on, like a kiss (think : free sample), I was in no position to decide on whether or not to take her up on the booty call (think : scoop of ice cream) and the issue hasn’t been raised since.

My Personal Viewpoint

Though I try not to pull the “I’m male” card, I need to here. I’m a man, and as such, it’s in my DNA to place the prospect of spreading my seed as a pinnacle above almost all else. Therefore, it is my personal opinion that the sooner I can get some ass – the better. I have no desire or time to sit around and play games on who’s going to feel like a slut. This is Hollywood. There’s 10 “easy girls” for every one Catholic-raised “good girl” who wants to hold off until the 3rd month of casual dry-humping.

My opinion stands firmly that life is too short to not live it up as much as you possibly can – and that includes, but is not limited to, sampling the local flavor of people at your disposal as often as possible for you and your schedule.

The rest of this blog is my attempt to pragmatically convince you that my opinion is sensible and can be justified in nearly every way imaginable. Sure, I’m here to preach. They don’t call me “Reverend” for nothin’

The Arguments AGAINST Immediate Sex

Before taking into account my personal feelings on SFD (Sex on the First Date. Ya like that acronym? makes it look all professional), let me briefly address a number of things that plague women, specifically, as to what their objections are :

1. This ass is worth more than a one-night stand
2. Sex complicates things
3. I don’t want to seem desperate and/or slutty
4. I don’t wanna get STDs
5. I like to get to know a guy first, to make sure he’s worth my time and I’m tired of all the fly-by-night losers out there who pretend to be genuine just to get into my pants
6. I’m saving sex for marriage

At first look, those all appear to be valid points. But, as I’m one of those pragmatic, no-bullshit types who tries to see things from all sides only to dismantle them later – I intend to address each of these issues individually, and from the least emotionally-charged standpoint possible. I know there are other arguments to be made against SFD, but these are the most common ones I hear. If you’ve got a better one – comment and I’ll be happy to reply.

1. This ass is worth more than a one-night stand

This first one is perhaps the most valid point to be made in defense of abstaining from immediate sex. After all, most of us spend our entire lives trying to better ourselves – whether the end goal being to corral Mr(s). Right, live a large-income life, become famous and well-respected, or just for personal gratification – and there’s a great many people who feel it’s a waste to go through all this personal growth only to “give it up” to some jackass with a nice smile and a witty pick-up line.

Let’s examine that, however. Does sex degrade you? Fulfilling sex, I mean. For you non-virgins out there (and I’m assuming that’s almost all of you reading this right now), do you feel any less “whole” now than you did before you got your first taste of the high hard one? or, for men, GIVING the high hard one? I would bet the answer is a resounding “no, not in the least”. Sure, we’ve all had bad sex and/or bad sex partners (and if not, consider yourself either extremely lucky or incredibly easy to please), but that doesn’t make our sex lives any less fulfilled in the long-term, and certainly doesn’t count as a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. If anything, it boosts your esteem cause you think “well, at least I’m not as bad in the sack as THAT guy/girl”. So, no matter how many people you fuck – your self-worth is no less or more than the next person over. The same rings true for people who’ve only fucked one person in their entire life – they’re not lower-class citizens or worth any less as people because of that decision.

Moving on from that point, if we’ve established that sex does not, in and of itself, degrade us as humans or make us worth less to ourselves or to people around us.

This part is mostly for women, but could go for men as well : if your concern is that sleeping with a guy immediately will ruin your chances for furthering any kind of friendship/relationship/what-have-you with him, have you considered the horrifying possibility that maybe you’re just (dare I say it) not as good as you think you are?

Think about that. Honestly. Give it a lot of thought. A lot of personal soul-seeking is to be done here. It’s really not easy for us humans to admit our faults – I say that as a human who’s faced many of his own demons many times over, so I’m in that boat with you. As I said, I’m a no-bullshit, pragmatic little fucker. The no-bullshit truth is that if you look deep inside of yourself and realize that maybe you’re not “all that” in bed, then your withholding sex is less about your self-worth and more about your lack thereof. This isn’t to say slutty women (and I’ll get to the true meaning of that term later) have all the confidence and self-worth in the world, not by a long shot, but that your inadequacies in bed might be the very reason you’ve been made into a one-night-stand in the first place. It’s an ironic twist, isn’t it?

Look here, if you and I have sex, and it’s damn good sex and you don’t show yourself as having hang-ups about having fucked me in short-time from our meeting – what good does it do for me to never call you again? There’s an infinite amount of vagina to be plundered in this world, but a finite amount of women I could REALLY get off with, and I’ll hang onto that for as long as it’s comfortable for both of us. I would venture to say that a vast majority of both men AND women feel this way – I know because I’ve had good sex on a first-night-hookup and gotten a call later that week for a repeat performance. Damn near every time that HASN’T happened to me has been because that person and I just didn’t really “click” sexually when we were together, and it was a mutual decision to not try and further that contact.

The solution here, of course, is : fuck better. Seriously. Ask people you’ve fucked for an honest review – tell them to e-mail it if they prefer to avoid confrontation. Of course, you’d have to also guarantee yourself that you won’t get offended by their review, and if you DO get offended, just don’t let the person who reviewed you know. Painful honesty is a sign of true friends. If you can’t find anyone to give you an honest review, and you’re honestly in the dark about how good you might be in bed, here’s a little test for you to take :

1. Do you alter your sexual tastes dependent on the person you’re with?
2. Do you alter your speed, positions, etc depending on the person you’re with?
3. Do you generally find that most of the time you’re GETTING more than you’re GIVING?
4. If someone gives you directions on technique in bed, are you offended or do you aim to please?
5. Do you masturbate enough to know what REALLY does it for you, and/or do you communicate that to your partner as best you can?
6. Do you think you look hot in the mirror naked?
7. Are you generally comfortable with yourself, sexually, to be playful in bed or do you prefer to keep things quick and to the point to avoid giving in to a kink you might not like? Basically, are you adventurous or somewhat dull?

If you’re good in bed, your answers will have been :
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. It varies, depending on the person/situation, but I’ve no issues with giving more than I’m getting
4. No, I like to know what they like in bed so long as they’re willing to make those sacrifices for me.
5. Yes, I’ve explore myself sexually to the point where I know where my “hot spots” are and I can and DO communicate those things to my partner if I feel like they need a little help, taking care not to offend them too much.
6. I have a few areas that I’ll never be 100% happy with, but I think I look pretty hot naked, generally.
7. Yes, I’m comfortable enough in bed to experiment within reasonable boundaries, cause you almost never know until you try. I consider myself adventurous within reason.

That might seem cut and dry, but think about all the lame sex partners you’ve had and how you’d answer those questions for them – and I’ll bet they wouldn’t check out the same.

Wrapping it up – sex itself is not derogatory and doesn’t make you any less valuable no matter how much sex you have. Furthermore, if you find yourself getting one-night’d by every guy you hook up with, it’s time to re-evaluate your sexuality and decide what it is you can and should change about yourself. Regardless of whether you decide to go for SFD in the end, you can only benefit from trying to better yourself sexually.

2. Sex Complicates Things

I hate this line of reasoning. Sex doesn’t complicate things – YOU DO. After sex, you start second-guessing everything. That’s your own problem, your own demon, not anyone else’s. If you have hang-ups, it’s your problem to go through and better those things. Or… don’t. And just sit there externalizing all your problems until you’re too old to do anything about it.

3. I don’t want to seem desperate and/or slutty

Fair enough. Kinda. Much like was touched on in the first point, you’ve given yourself a value that you feel is somehow degraded by fucking someone too soon. The secret you’re not being let in on is that desperation begets desperation. To put it another way : Desperation, like embarrassment, is in the eye of the beholder. If you don’t give off a “please sleep with me, no one ever sleeps with me, I just need sex really really badly and you’re the only one who’ll talk to me” vibe – no one’s going to call you out on being desperate.

Instead of calling someone three times a day to “see what they’re up to later” – call them once a week and shoot for a random day, like Wednesday. If they’re really interested, but genuinely busy, they’ll set up a better time in the week for you. If they’re not really interested, they’ll say “no, sorry, no can do” and then try to end the call as fast as possible. You should probably never follow up with “okay…. how about Thursday?”

Put some sass in your step.. pull away the first time they try to kiss, and smile at them in a “I wouldn’t mind kissing you, but give it a few minutes” kind of way. But let them know you’re not entirely disinterested. Use your gut on that one.

Now, onto this “slutty” matter. Not to sound like I’m El Ultimate Authority on Everything, but I feel like I’ve come up with a decision as to what slutty IS and what it ISN’T that can pretty much work for everyone. First off, no matter how many men you sleep with, there is no “magic number” that puts you into “slut” category. I don’t care what you’ve heard – it’s fucking wrong. Second, there’s no “magic date” that suddenly makes sleeping with someone a slutty or not slutty activity. Whether you sleep with someone within the first 5 minutes of meeting them – or you wait 5 months, it doesn’t matter. Third, and final, there’s no “magic sex act” that, when performed on a man/woman, will ultimately turn you into a slut. Maybe you like having your face peed on? Doesn’t make you a slut. Maybe you like being choked, slapped around, and anally-violated in the roughest way possible – doesn’t make you a slut.

So what do I, personally, define as a slut?

Slut (n) : A woman who has no inherent value or entertainment given forth in her personality and presence, but who tries to make up for lack of worthwhile company by having sex with people to give her the false illusion that men give her attention for a reason other than the fact that she’s a warm hole for penis storage.

Put in a more simple sense : if the only time anyone ever talks to you, or listens to what you have to say, is right before you sleep with them, you’re probably a slut. Wanna test it? Ask them to hang out with you in a place where sex probably won’t happen (a crowded movie theatre for instance) and see if they go for it. If they suggest you just “come over and watch a movie” instead – they probably don’t value your company. While that might just be one person’s opinion, if you find that ALL your friends are people you’ve slept with and they ALL respond to that situation similarly – you’re probably a slut. Time to grow up and get a personality.

A note that I forgot to add in to the first draft of this blog, regarding some men and their tendency to yell “slut” far too often, was accidentally left out cause.. well, shit, sometimes I just plain forget where I’m going in these things until I get there. At any rate, just because some asslicker calls you a slut doesn’t make you a slut, and any man who looks down on you as a lower-class citizen because you wanted to rock his world doesn’t deserve so much as a callback. If you’re hearing all over town that he’s telling everyone how “easy” you are, just say “well, it was a pity fuck. If you saw his penis, you’d take pity too”. If he’s swingin’ more meat than a slaughterhouse, making a remark about his inabilities in bed usually goes a long way. Chances are, if he’s immature enough to run around town talking shit like that – his being terrible and/or inexperienced in bed probably won’t be anything you’d have to lie about anyway.

4. I don’t wanna get STDs

I love this line of reasoning for the simple fact that I love comfort lies. Those are the lies we tell ourselves to make life’s hardships seem more comfortable to us. The simple fact is this : if you’re having unprotected sex with someone, you could very easily get an STD. You might say “well… not if you’re in an exclusive relationship”. Oh? And how can you be 100 PERCENT sure that you’re in a relationship exclusively? Do you have a secret camera attached to your boy/girlfriend that satellite-beams live video 24/7 to a headmount display you wear at all times? No, you don’t. Barring that, you can never be 100 PERCENT sure about such a thing. Ergo, that lovely man of yours might just be working late – or he might be WORKIN’ it, late into the night, with his younger, more attractive secretary…. with herpes. You don’t have a fuckin’ clue. You are no more guaranteed to get or not get STDs if you’re fucking 100 people a day or if you’re just fucking 1. As long as there’s no condoms involved, you’re just as vulnerable as the next schlub.

Remember – pornstars fuck more people in a week than you’ve probably fucked all year, and they’re some of the cleanest people around. They get tested every 2 weeks – how ’bout you? Do you drop $60 every other week at the clinic for a full checkup? Oh, and why not? I thought you were worried about STDs… I guess not.

It’s pretty simple – use condoms. They’re not a 100 PERCENT guarantee, but neither is looking both ways before crossing a guarantee you won’t get run the fuck over by a MAC TRUCK. My personal advice is to do what I do and always carry TWO condoms with you at all times, and make sure they don’t have any holes in them by swapping them out when appropriate. This way, you’re never stuck in the situation of hoping the other person has a condom, and you guys don’t have to worry the woman might poke a hole in there to get herself “accidentally” knocked up to keep you around.

5. I like to get to know a guy first, to make sure he’s worth my time and I’m tired of all the fly-by-night losers out there who pretend to be genuine just to get into my pants

This is one I hear a lot these days, from women who certainly aren’t prudish and have no real moral opposition to casual sex, but they abstain because… well, men suck sometimes. My argument against this is much the same as the arguments presented in the first point – you’re not worth less because you had sex with someone, OR you’re really not all you’re cracked up to be.

If your concern is part of the larger worry that fucking someone too soon will lead them to not want to pursue a relationship with you – then your relationship is based on deal-making and deception anyway. Sex isn’t a bargaining chip. And, there are many men like myself out there who consider holding out sex to be a fruitless attempt at controlling someone through promises left undelivered. I’ll note further, from an anecdotal point of view, that every woman I’ve so much as considered having a long-term relationship with in the past.. let’s say 7 years, has been one I’ve had sex with at some point within 24-hours of our first date. You should have a lot more to offer a person than just your ass, so if you think holding out sex is keeping them around, you’re degrading yourself more than you think as you’re operating under the assumption that, had they already fucked you, they wouldn’t be talking to you anymore – then it ain’t your ass you should be worrying about.

Food for thought, kids.

I’m saving sex for marriage

If you truly believe this – you’re a fuckin’ idiot. Sorry to break it to you. I’ve covered this issue in great detail on a blog entry I wrote entitled Guys Don’t Give Diamonds to Girls Without Hymens, alongside a discussion of how men need to stop thinking women are “sluts” for having casual sex, and to stop holding them to 50s-era standards. I’m very proud of that entry, so if you’re in need of more preaching about the importance of a healthy sex life – give it a read. It was originally meant as a propaganda piece to woo the mental state of a certain woman who shall remain forever nameless, but I think it raises some worthwhile points.

At any rate – you probably think you’re being “really deep” by shunning such “shallow” characteristics as sex, right? Not by a long shot. Being shallow means to not take all things into account. Your saying “I’m saving sex until marriage” is the same as me saying “I’m saving meaningful conversation for marriage”. They’re all part and parcel of the bigger package, and I don’t think I’d place one as having more importance over another for having a long-term relationship (including, especially, marriage).

Wrapping Up

Obviously, in the end, your personal choice takes precedence over anything I’ll ever write – and I mean that sincerely. However, if you were “on the fence” about this issue, but couldn’t quite justify the world of casual sex and/or gettin’ your fuck on during the first date, maybe I’ve opened your mind up to that possibility.

I only hope that, at the very least, you sat and thought about these things in a pragmatic sense and thought about your own internal battles, and the reasons you may or may not fuck on the first date. I’m only here to inspire thought, so I hope I’ve done that.

Your comments and rebuttals, as always, are welcome.

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