Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

Well, hot damn. After my recent blog about SFD (Sex on the First Date), another friend of mine hit me up today quite randomly to ask me a question that also would make for an interesting blog :

i have a question rev mitcz. i notice most men especially 30+ like younger women in their 20’s. do you believe the older a women gets, shes stuck at the shit end of the pool while her ex husband/bf dates a younger firmer version of her?

what do you suggest to the older women out there? and the soon to be older women?

preach to me. or give me an opinion.

Tell ya what – I’ll do both. I’ll preach my opinion.

Let Me Clear My Throat..

This particular issue, one of age & dating, is actually something I’ve been meaning to touch on for awhile. Though, I was going to focus particularly on younger women’s fascination with older men as opposed to older men’s fascination with younger women. Instead of hitting the same bird twice – I’ll kill two birds with one stone. Ignore that analogy, it’s making my brain hurt, too.

Follow along now..

- Younger women tend to like mature, rugged, wise, learned, older men.
- Mature, older men tend to like younger, thinner, prettier women.
- Mature, older women tend to like younger, thinner, wilder younger men.
- Younger men will pretty much sleep with anything that hoves into their field of vision.

That having been established (don’t pretend that list is inaccurate), I’m going to run through the various types of people, what they might be looking for, why or why not they’ll be likely to find it, and the trials and tribulations involved. Everyone ready?

An Anecdotal Beginning

You know I couldn’t possibly write a blog without delving into my sordid, and often embarrassing, past. So then, I will present a very short history of my attempts with women in regards to age. This is from the standpoint of women wanting older men, and men wanting younger women. I’ve got anecdotes for the other ones, as well, but I couldn’t possibly crack this can of worms without a little background.

When I was in grade school, sixth grade to be exact, there were more than a few women I had my prepubescent little horn-ball eye affixed on. I can’t give any names, because my memory of that time period is pretty much nihil. But, let’s make up a name. Hmmm.. Sally. I’ve never fallen for a Sally before, so this’ll work perfect. Sally had all the right looks, all the right words, and all the popular guys (read : guys who could and would beat me up) swooning for her. Granted, I was unaware at the time that women just keep “the nice guy” around as the semi-gay friend they can pass out drunk on the couch of after their asshole boyfriend cheats on them for the 10th time in a row and would sooner fall over laughing at his attempts to “woo” her than actually fuck him, unless it’s pity sex – but let’s just pretend I had a chance. You see, Sally was “off-limits” to everyone because she was dating the “older guy” now. Seventh grade. Ooooh… how cool she was. After school, they’d sneak off to the park behind the school and make out and smoke cigarettes and we’d all pretend he wasn’t cooler than us. Maybe he was, but everyone I knew in the seventh grade (including yours truly) was a total cocksmoker. Hell, here’s me in sixth grade :

I never rocked a mullet, don’t worry, I’m on the right. Yeah, look at that 45lbs of stud-muffin. Get some! Umph! Oh, sorry, moving along then…

In middle school, things got a bit tougher. I figured “hey, I’m in seventh grade now, I can get chicks” and yet in my attempts to secure a 6th grader, I didn’t account for everyone thinking I was a jackass for trying to date “little girls”. We’ll conveniently ignore that we were all sixth graders a few months prior – but that’s how it works. Basically, you could only date the younger chicks if they were hotter than anyone in your current class. Oh, and they had to be absolutely obsessed with you, to boot. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly rolling in vaginamuffin. I’ll leave out my torturous seventh grade female classmates for another entry when I have to discuss my general distrust of women in sexual situations. But, in eighth grade I got a break because an ex-g/f of a friend of mine who’d moved to another school asked me to “go out” with her. In those days, that meant “be my boyfriend”. I made out for the first time during that time of my life, with her, on her bed (score!) while the parents were gone (score!) but I didn’t believe me when my friend Ian at the time said “she’s just going out with you cause she feels sorry for you having never been kissed”. I scoffed. Bah! Ian. What’d he know? He looked like a fuckin’ troll. She was hot for my meat, damnit. Three days into it, Ian turned out to be right. Ahh well. At least I wasn’t the non-kissed one anymore.

So onward to High School I went. Looking about as old as the rest of the people world would’ve looked 4 years my junior…

I was, believe it or not, 14 in that picture. But hey, I was rockin’ the long hair. So I was badass! I mean… well, aside from the fact that I took cutesy pictures alongside our family’s Shih Tzu and the two-foot monster practically dwarfed me.

So, I had my sights set on a girl. Well, I’d had them set on her since about the 7th grade, but… at least now she was actually willing to date guys that were going to the same school as her (albeit 3-4 grades up). Her name was Andrea (last name withheld in case by the stroke of un-luck that my life is, we happen upon each other on here). She had an older sister, Lydia. The two of them, combined, were the hottest two women in Arizona. Since I’ve left AZ, apparently all the hot women moved in, but when I was in high school? Slim pickins, my friend.

My sister, who attended the middle school my mother taught drama at, was instantly popular. Blonde. Green eyes. Kinda tall. Willing to date older guys. Had a mother who was the crazy drama teacher everyone loved. She had it easy, and by high school was one of the “elite” (read : people who would beat me up). Thankfully, however, the seniors that year took it easy on me out of respect for my sister.

One day, I was playing a videogame with a friend of mine, and in walked Andrea. And her sister Lydia. My jaw hit the floor. Here we are, on a Saturday, plopped in front of a TV with our scrawny-ass torsos exposed to the world, arguing about Sega Genesis vs Super Nintendo and MUTHAFUCKIN’ ANDREA VON ______ walked in. My lame-ass (at the time) sister, who it was my duty to hate, was all chumm-chummy with the motherfuckin’ Von _____ sisters!

Andrea came over, said “hey Mitcz!” and gave me a hug. And then they all left. I was El pimp to my friends after that, for quite some time. “Dude, Andrea came up and hugged Mitcz!”. That’s right, fellas. Live and learn. Umph!

Okay, I’m off-track here. Anyway, so Andrea was about 12 levels above my “class” in the ranks, so I set my sights a bit lower. Some other chick, who’s name escapes me. Whatever. Anyway, I remember she was all cool with me on a Tuesday, but by Thursday was walking the courtyard with a senior. Goddamned whore. As these old “in my day…..” grandpa-like stories go, that senior saw me try and talk to her one day and after she walked off, he grabbed me and pulled me aside. Not in a mean way, mind you. In a very “lemme tell ya somethin’ kid” way. He said the following words, which still ring immortal :

“Look… she’s only after me ’cause I’m a senior. I’m after her cause all the senior girls want college guys. When I was a freshman, I watched every girl I liked end up with a senior. And, you watch, when you’re a senior, you’ll have a pack of freshman comin’ after you. Don’t take it personal”

That was the coolest fucking thing anyone’s ever said to me. That guy, whatever his name was, probably grew up to be a respectable, cool motherfucker. Though he’s probably still bangin’ young chicks – let’s move on.

The following year, Nad and I were inseparable lady-killin’ sons of bitches. See, this was back in the day of grunge. Nirvana released “In Utero” in my freshman year, for instance. All the freshman girls we knew were CRAZY grunge-kids, and Nad and I were two of the very few grunge guys who were older. I’d like to say I plowed through more vag than I could carry, but …apparently my timing sucked. I heard many years later that at one point or another, every single one of the 12-or-so girls in the crew were diggin’ on either me or Nad, but God hates me so of course by the time I got around to trying to get on one of them, they’d have moved on to someone else like the week before. It’s like a weird musical chairs.

Fast forward to my junior and senior years and guess what? That wise-old-man senior from my youth was spot-on. The chicks I was diggin’ on had moved on to guys in college, or guys who were just “figuring life out” but at least graduated or dropped-out. This is when you look at the women younger than you, and say “alright…. let’s do this” and indeed I did. Many times over.

This pattern continued for many years beyond high school – the old “well, she’s 18. Who gives a fuck?” mantra is one that us men will repeat ad nauseum to naysayers well into our…. well, I’m not sure men ever STOP thinking that.

A few years ago, I had to attend the wedding of one my step-sisters up in Seattle. She’d always been the younger woman who had deluded herself into the Older Man Fallacy and was now 27 and marrying a 46-year old, twice-divorced lawyer man. One of her best friends there who was hot beyond all reason, was – and I’m not kidding you here – sitting on the lap of a man with an oxygen tank. No, that was not her grandfather. Unless grandfathers have a tendency to feel up 27 year old women while they giggle and kiss their forehead. I figured, being about 22 at the time, I might have a chance but I ain’t about to compete with no oxygen tank motherfucker. That’s when it becomes abundantly clear that while men seek out younger women for most of their lives, women tend to seek out older men. Some of them get crazy, like crazy-hot-bitch above, but regardless the fascination is there.

Younger Women and the Older Man Fallacy

If you’re reading this, being a younger woman, and you’re a bit offended by my calling it a “fallacy”, you’ll need to keep reading because I think you’re in for a very educational lesson here.

Reason most commonly cited : Younger men are immature
Okay, by and large, there’s a great deal of young men that don’t have the maturity level relative to that of older men. I’ll grant you that. But what defines “younger”? Just younger than you? If we’re culling from my example above, “younger” meant literally just younger than the women they pursued. Let’s assume “younger” means from.. about 18 to about 29. Adjust the ages to fit your particular group.

Dictionary.com says “mature” is :

2. Of, relating to, or characteristic of full development, either mental or physical: mature for her age.
3. a. Suitable or intended for adults: mature subject matter.
b. Composed of adults: a mature audience.

I’ll agree to that, but I can’t pass up adding in more details. “Mature”, I take to mean as someone who understands responsibility, knows how to deal with most of life’s problems without freaking the fuck out, is independent enough to have a job and pay their own bills, and knows how to be respectful of those who deserve it. If you’re in total disagreement on maturity as I’ve defined it, then I’d really like to know what part of that definition you’d remove.

Taking into account either/both my definition, and that of the dictionary – there’s nothing that presupposes someone in their early 20s would be “immature”. Not by default, but there’s individuals to account for, of course.

What I’ve realized in life, having known many men in my time, is that with age does not come maturity. With experience. Hardships. Loss. Stress. These things can certainly help a man, nay a person, mature in life. But just having gone through shit doesn’t make you a mature individual. Having gone through, and learned from the shit, gaining something from it, and learning how to cope with shit – THAT’s what sets people apart in terms of maturity.

Gathering from that, I would place just about everyone I know above the maturity level of, say, Prince Charles. Get what I’m pokin’ at here? Age does not presuppose maturity. The two can be (and generally are) mutually exclusive. What you probably DON’T know, however, is a little secret.

Get closer.
Closer now..

WITH AGE COMES THE ABILITY TO DECEIVE WOMEN BETTER!

I ain’t lyin’. While you’re over there bragging to all the younger guys about how well your new, older guy is treating you – they’re talking to me EXACTLY the same way those younger guys do. Tellin’ me all the juicy details. Generally getting more perverted, actually, because with age comes a lack of embarrassment and older guys just can’t wait to spill the details of their latest sexual exploits at the urinal. Complete strangers, too, they’ll just step right up and be like “Ahhh… man, peein’ feels good. Not as good as the 20-year old blonde I was mouth-fuckin’ the other night, though. Then I bent her over the couch and fucked her senseless for like 40 minutes. Man, young girls are so tight!”. Thanx, creepy old guy.

See, us men aren’t complete fuckin’ idiots (all the time). We sit there our entire lives while women feed us bullshit excuses about why they like older men. So, we’re forced to now go after younger women, using the tactics you just used to justify going after older men so we can then woo the younger chicks into a false sense of security and assumed maturity. It’s a trick that never fails to work – proof in the fact that I’m betting almost all the women in relationships reading this right now are with men who are older. Fancy that.

Reason 2nd most commonly cited : Older men are more apt to commit
It seems that way, doesn’t it? Well, let me draw a parallel for you. Let’s say you’re driving a car that’s 8 years old. It’s not a bad car, it’s reliable, you know all the “tricks” to it. You know how to handle it. And, your payments are pretty low these days. Up comes a car salesman, says “hey – how about we put you in this here BRAND NEW car and your payments don’t change at all?”. If you weigh in, like I do, “well, I’ll be making a car payment either way”, you’ll probably come to the same conclusion I do about every two years – “I may as well drive the new one. It’s…. new! All-new parts! Needs less maintenance! Has nifty new features! Drives fast! Whooo!”.

You, my sweet young butterfly, are the new car. Chances are, that older guy you’re into has one of two things going on : he’s sick and tired of his current hag OR he’s finding himself having extreme difficulty getting women his age. This isn’t always cut and dry, of course, and men are still opportunists. Myself included. If two women who looked identical but one was 21 and one was 29, I’d probably take the 29 year old. But a lot of the 29 year old women are jaded, bitter, and/or tired of the club scene so I’ll take whatever’s wandering around the local pub when it’s last call. (not literally, of course). I’ll get into the specifics of that in a later part.

The point is – it’s easy to commit to a younger girl. She’s young. She’s got very little “wear and tear” on her, still got plenty of growin’ to do. Lotta years left in her. You can pick her up at 22, stick around until she’s 28, and move along to the next self-deceived 22 year old. Meanwhile, women are gonna say “that guy was just immature” and become the “new car” for the next slightly older guy down the line.

Wrapping it up a bit
My advice to you young girls? Get to know the GUY, not the AGE. And, honestly, if they’re more than 10 years your senior (unless you’re in your 40s) – you may want to ask yourself (or his friends) “why isn’t this guy dating women his age?”. Surely there’s a reason that 34-year old guy with the Corvette doesn’t have a wife and kids by this time, right? Maybe he’s got an ex-wife. Maybe he’s got kids, living with their mother. Maybe he’s got neither because he hates commitment and figures “eh.. these younger chicks don’t care as much about that” – and they’d be right, cause younger girls care less about commitment than older ones.

Situations vary, of course, and it could be that you came across the right guy at the right time. I’d personally call “bullshit” on that cause I think commitment is restrictive to the human spirit – but that’s just me.

Older Men and Their Insatiable Desire For Younger Women

So, what is it that appeals to men about younger women – besides them being a little easier to impress because of their own self-delusion?

Let’s take life’s little lessons into account on this one.
Woman of 18 is tired of men her age, cause she thinks they’re all immature frat boys. So, she dates a 25 year old. After 2-3 years with him, she either realizes he’s still got a lot of growing up to do and leaves him – or he cheats on her with… you guessed it, a younger woman. Now she’s in her 20s, dating guys in their late 20s to early 30s. Finally finds a guy who seems ’serious’ and ‘committed’. Maybe they get real serious and move in together. Maybe they get engaged. Maybe they even get married. Now, let’s put this woman into her late-20s. As often happens, this woman’s been cheated on, kicked around, emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused, and she’s tired of all the bullshit. Just wants to find a “nice guy to settle down with”. Sounds fine and dandy, doesn’t it?

The problem is – from where we are as guys, if you talk to your average single girl in her late-20s, she’s one jaded little woman at this point. Near the bittering point. Maybe past it. She’s had her share of fly-by-night losers and men who couldn’t commit, and cheaters and adulterers and full-on douchebags. That biological clock starts a-ringin’ in her ears. Along comes a guy, also in his late-20s, who thinks “hey, this chick’s pretty cool” and maybe he likes a little cynicism and a little “hard to get” game in his women. So, he goes for this chick. But, after years of being lied to, she’s got this huge defensive wall up around her and it takes a jackhammer to get through it. And if you’ve any hope of hanging out w/this girl again – you’re gonna have to get through it. So maybe you do tear it down, and she opens up. Things go alright, but you’re feeling a lot of pressure from her. Maybe she’s too nice – like she’s trying to persuade you into something. Maybe she’s way too defensive because she’s convinced you’re going to leave her for someone else. In the rarest of cases, she’ll realize defenses and games are bullshit filters meant to keep away douchebags at clubs but the men who really mean business can break through and there’s no reason to keep those things around once you’re dating and you’ll both end up really happy together. That’s a rare case, as I said. Generally what happens is those walls keep coming back, and the guy keeps feeling pressure to whither up and become the slave she’s trying to make him. He’s gotta do this – she won’t trust him otherwise. So, he becomes the little puppy for her and turns into this shriveled little shell of a man. What we call “pussy-whipped”. Women can’t put up with a weak man, so she’ll leave him soon after. Barring that, she’ll pressure him to make her feel more secure and he’s not having it and they continually fight all the time until he’s at the mall one day by himself trying to get a latte to calm his nerves from that hag that’s been yakkin’ his ear off all week and the hot little coffee shop girl sees this refined, well-dressed, successful older man and they hump it out in the back of his new Dodge Stratus.

Now, the man’s tasted the good life. He’s back to humpin’ like a college kid. The nagging hag starts to get more and more irritating, even after all the work he put into having to tear down those walls – meanwhile he looks out the window and sees freedom. He sees that he can put a minimal amount of work into younger girls who aren’t all jaded and bitter and reap all the benefits. So, he leaves that woman broken-hearted and runs off with the first piece of young ass he can find. Meanwhile, her walls are rebuilt twice as strong and she gets even more bitter and the cycle continues until, usually, she finds some weak-ass “nice guy” who comes pre-shrunk like a Hanes, and she wears him cause he fits and he goes with her lifestyle. He might not be the hottest guy on the planet – but he’s desperate, so at least he won’t cheat. And in a way, he’s kinda “cute” when he eats ice cream in bed wearing nothing but socks.

The other guy, however, is continuing his cycle of fucking younger women and treating them like shit cause they’ll never see it coming and likely his cycle will continue until he finally finds a fairly hot woman who’ll still suck his dick 3 months later and is a wildcat in the bedroom and he doesn’t have to constantly work at chipping away at a bitter wall and maybe they go off and have a nice little life.

It’s also quite possible that maybe they all end up lonely and old and miserable in the end. Hell, we all do. But at least now you know the motivation for men going after younger women.

Older (horny) Women & Younger Men

This is pretty simple – older women don’t go for younger guys cause they’re looking for “Mr. Right”. They want hard, fast, rough sex the way they used to get it before all the guys needed Viagra and since younger men aren’t too picky and they’re in their sexual peak, they’re a pretty good target. Men – you’ll peak between 18 and 24. Women – you’ll peak between 31 and 37. You do nature’s math.

I won’t get too anecdotal here, cause this post’s running a little long, but I will say this : older women will generally fuck the living shit of you MUCH better than younger women. For the same reason that younger men come off “immature”, younger women tend to not be as experienced in bed or comfortable w/their sexuality. A girl in her late-20s or early-mid 30s knows every nuance of her vagina and you could just lie there on your back and she’ll find a way to grind into you that gets her off as quickly and as many times as is humanly possible. Younger women, like early-20s are still “ew. anal sex?” and “why do you want me to rub my clit when you fuck me doggystyle?” and so on.

This isn’t always true, of course, and I’ve certainly met my share of women who know what they want and how they want it long before they’ve even reached mid-20s. We call these girls “strippers” and “porn stars”. That’s why I have a tendency to “date” those types of women. Barring women who work in sex industries, there’s not a lot of women in their early-20s that know a great deal about pleasing men, and they don’t particularly care that much (note that I said “not a lot of..” as opposed to “none”). So, Why don’t they care that much? Because older men are just happy they can still GET a woman in their younger 20s and are a lot more eager to please. Older women have much the same mindset – they’re excited they can still seduce a guy in his early-20s, and they’ll rock your fuckin’ world as best they can cause they wanna get the goods while the gettin’ is hot.

I remember when I was 17, I was doing some performance art with this band Godless, over in Phoenix. There was a girl (who reads this blog, so she’ll go unnamed) who dated the guitarist of the band. The guitarist was in his early-30s and ALL the young girls loved him. As his g/f at the time (and I) would come to find out, he had the maturity level similar to that of the girls he was constantly getting hit on (ya know, the 19 year olds and such). Eventually, he hooked up with them, I hooked up with her. I hadn’t had sex by the time I was 17 – I held out until I was 18, trying to delude myself into thinking that meant “I had the power”, which it didn’t. But this 25 year old did things to me I’d only seen in porno movies. She even swallowed without so much as a flinch. Girls my age at the time were not gettin’ naked and swallowing cum on first dates, let me tell ya that much. In retrospect, I really should’ve fucked her instead of the chick I did end up fucking when I turned 18 – but hey, you live, you learn, right?

I think it was because of that experience that I still have a fondness for older women, sometimes. Like I said, I’m not really one to focus on age, but women like a man who will ignore her being older and just tear her up like she’s been trying to get all the white-collar boys to do to her but they’re too old to get it up the same way anymore. And, since I don’t care much for relationships, it works out well that older women looking to bed younger men tend to have little or no intentions of getting into anything serious with them.

The problem, however, for older women (that doesn’t tend to plague older men as much) is that older women tend to have kids. The 25 year old I talked about earlier had a kid, in fact. She was all of about 2-3 years old and I never saw her because the woman would usually get a babysitter – but that was still in the back of my head. You start to get paranoid as a younger man – “what if they try to get me to act all fatherly? Are they trying to make me grow up too soon?” and ya know, guys wanna stay young as long as they can and bein’ all fatherly really crimps their style. While that was hardly the case with this girl – that is a factor that comes into play when dealing with older women.

As a sidenote, mothers young and old will fuck you until the goddamned thing breaks off. Don’t ask me why. The only theory I’ve got is that men generally won’t fuck mothers so if you find a mother she’s gonna try DAMN hard to keep you around cause.. ya know, mama needs her medicine. They are some DIRTY, HORNY little women. I like that. So, I’ll bang a mom or two here and there. They’re fun. And, I don’t mind being called a motherfucker (hey0h! rimshot!) Just.. I don’t wanna hang out w/the kids. That’s a little weird. I’ve been the kid, once my parents divorced – and it’s weird on the other side, too.

All Together Now…..

Okay, let’s wrap this up. I guess if you look at that original question, it may seem like I’ve deviated from the original path quite a bit. Well.. kinda, sure. But I wanted a more all-encompassing entry if I could manage it. I’m going away Tomorrow night until about Sunday for my niece’s 7th birthday, so I need something to tide you people over with.

To All The People
I maintain that exclusive relationships are constrictive to the human spirit. In an ideal world, we’d all be open about multiple relationships and there’d be no jealousy and we’d all just love and fuck and care for each other in a big group setting like we do with friends. Not polyamory, but giving each person their own little space and living separate mini-lives with various people. Again, like we do with our friends. I know I’m dreaming. But that’s the world I care to live in, here inside my head. In my little ideal world, I’d be sharing a life with women of many ages, and they’d come and go as they pleased, and they’d likely have their own little group of men (and/or women) young and old from which to enjoy life’s little pleasures with. I’m taking a pragmatic approach to life, love, and relationships. As our culture opens up what’s inside each of us and we struggle for personal growth and nothing’s allowed to be hidden or not talked about – we’re going to get the core of ourselves. And I think inside our core, we’re not meant for exclusivity. I really don’t. My hypothesis is held up by the increasing divorce rate (what is it, 70 percent now?), the amount of talk shows that discuss infidelity, the amount of men AND women I’ve met in my life that have poured out to me about how hurt they are over some breakup or being cheated on, and there’s a multi-billion dollar industry of relationship books, not to mention a multi-billion dollar industry of pornography that lets men AND women escape their mundane lives of exclusivity and fantasize about doing what they’re seeing, often times featuring the people they’re seeing. Maybe I’m a bitter old man that’s shut down and I don’t know shit. I don’t personally feel hollow or unfulfilled as a single man – maybe I should but I don’t – so I’m maintaining this lifestyle as long as it’s comfortable. And if I’m wrong.. oh well. I don’t fear “dying alone”, cause we all die alone in the end.

To all the women who say men are pieces of shit – you’re right. They’re all pieces of shit. Same for women.
Everyone is. Seriously. We’re not fuckin’ meant for this exclusive nonsense, and maybe our “piece of shit” selves are just the innate human desire to be free as we’re meant to be, busting out at the seams.

To younger women..
As I said before – stop trying to chase the older men. Go for the guys that you think look hot. That seem funny (did I mention I’m a stand-up comedian?). That have interesting shit to talk about. That’ll fuck you senseless. Whatever it is. Just realize that the older men might not just be there out of convenience, but out of desperation. Whatever you do – know that life is always gonna knock you around. That’s how life teaches us what to appreciate, and how to handle the shit that gets worse later in life. Try not to let it make you jaded and bitter (a little bit of cynicism and bitterness is okay, though), else you’re digging your own ironic little grave.

To younger men..
You’re probably not going to find many older women to romp around with. If you do, make the most of it and see where it takes you, but don’t let anyone whip you into submission (unless you’re into that, of course). Stay away from girls under 18, they’re trouble. I don’t care how hot they are – they’re fuckin’ trouble and you don’t wanna be knockin’ on doors in 10 years trying to explain to your ex-military neighbor (who has a 16 year old daughter) that you’re a sex offender. Not good.

To older women..
Live it up, ya know? Don’t worry about your biological clock. Fuck family values. It’s all a bunch of Republican nonsense anyway. You want a kid? Go have one, no one’s stopping you. You want a wedding so you’ve got some kind of party to invite your friends to? Fuck it, have an “I’m single and lovin’ it” party and invite every hot guy you see on the street the week before and turn it into a big ol’ orgy and all your girlfriends will be jealous of your amazing young-guy-corralling skills. As I said to the youngins – try not to get bitter and jaded. Realize life’s a many-faceted wonder and you might just need a husband like a fish needs a bicycle. You dig?

To older men…
Hello soon-to-be-me. Umm… just don’t turn into one of those creepy old dudes who can’t wait to tell strangers about their exploits. I really don’t need to hear it. Oh, and dating younger women might fool THEM, but you ain’t foolin’ US (or older women), so maybe try for someone around your own age once in awhile. On the plus side – they’ll actually understand jokes about Atari and “what it was like in the 80s”. Most of all, if you wanna do for the female population what we all pretend we’re doing for the environment – take care of the one you’ve got. Try your damnedest not to cheat, will ya? It’ll save us all a LOT of trouble. Thanx.

Diggin' my shit? Well then..