Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

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So, I’ve noticed a lot of Xian folks like to add me to their friends list on myspace. This confuses me, cause… well, I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not Xian. I considered at first that maybe they see the “Rev” and assume “oh, he must be doing god’s work”. But how are they passing over the fact that my icon is me dressed as the devil with a snake wrapped around my neck? Surely, they can’t be THAT delusional.

At first I figured they were just trying to befriend, get in good with me, and slowly try to sell me some jesus. Ya know..

“hey Mitcz, great blog entry man.. that sure was a hoot. (andyoushouldtrysomejesusinyourdiet)”

– What? -

“huh? nothing. *cough* jesus *cough*”

The underlying reason, though. The uber-top-secret one? Jesus points.

Allow me to explain..

You get Jesus points for doing the Lord’s work.
Makes sense, cause if you’re doing work for someone – you’re gonna expect some kinda payment.
The payment from God? Jesus Points.

See, Jesus points can be redeemed for sins. It’s like a divine credit line. You’ll have a line of credit in God’s earthly bank of Jesus Points. So you’re working for God so you can sin and still get in on some of that prime cloud real estate in heaven when you shuffle off the mortal coil.

The conversion rate is variable, cause God’s gotta keep up with the times. You can’t be charging 1,000 jesus points for lying when you’re living in a country run by George Bush – that’s all I’m saying.

So, like… for instance – stealing a candybar is like 30 points. no biggie.
Masturbation – that’s like 10 points for dudes, and like 50 for chicks. God cries when you dial “O” on the little pink phone, ladies. On the plus side – you can pull of like 3-4 orgasms in one session whereas us dudes get a one-for-one deal.

Coveting thy neighbor’s wife – it used to be like 1,500 points, now it’s like 450 points. The neighbor’s wife sin market value has really depleted.

Gay sex with an adult male – man.. that’s like 5,000 jesus points. You fuck a dude who actually LIKES it and you’ve gotta convert a lot of young goth kids and FAST!

Now let’s take priesthood, for instance. Giving up consensual sex for 30 years is worth like 3,000 jesus points. Meanwhile, you can buy a young boy’s virgin asshole for like… 1,000 jesus points.

The way I figure it – male, late 20s, comedian, outspoken, not a fan of the jesus man. Converting me’s gotta be worth like 500 points. Somewhere out there is a leary old man who’s been dreaming of the neighbor’s wife for like 10 years but he doesn’t wanna risk it cause he might drop outta here any day. If he gets in the bag, he’ll be all set to go.

I got you guys all figured. I’m not gonna be your coveted jesus points. Though, there ARE a lot of gays on the MySpace here, so maybe hit one o’ them up. They’ve gotta be worth a lot, no?

Diggin' my shit? Well then..