Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

I’m trying not to come off like some self-absorbed assclown here, but I’ve been asked a multitude of times in recent weeks/months/years, almost always by women, the loaded question “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

Sure, there’s a portion of that question and the people asking that is simply trying to discover if I have a girlfriend – but even the ones who ask that and get a “nope” response will follow-up with “why?”.

So, I intend to explain. Not just because I like to talk to myself, but more cause it’s fun to sit around and contemplate such things. Also – I can just link to this entry next time someone online asks me that question.

As a public service to men out there (and, hell, you women too) that have been asked that question before, feel free to use any of my canned responses :

- “Girlfriend? Nope. I don’t believe in them”

- “No, but I don’t have a swamp cooler either for the same reason. Damn things break too easily”

- “Girlfriends get in the way of my drinking”

- “Soon as I can find one without teeth, about waist-high with a flat head so I can rest my drink and an ashtray on their head — then I will”

Now, for the more logical and serious reasons. Some of them I’ll explain, while others I’ll explain by linking you to posts I’ve made in the past that explain the situation in greater detail. My reasons are as follows :

1. I believe that love is a comfort lie. This belief could change, but it’s my current take on the matter.

2. I have 101 Reasons to Be Proudly Single, that I wrote on Valentine’s Day earlier this year.

3. Girlfriends don’t like my work ethic.

4. I love women too much to settle on just one.

5. In place of “girlfriend” I have : friends for companionship, friends for sex, and family.

6. I make a shitty boyfriend.

Okay, the first two are explained via the links provided. The other four, I’ll explain in pieces now.

Girlfriends don’t like my work ethic

Girlfriends (and this might apply to boyfriends, too, but I wouldn’t know) aren’t really fond of a hard-working man. At least, not at this point in their lives. Maybe they like a working-man husband. But certainly not as a boyfriend. Before you get all huffy-puffy, let me explain.

For the better part of my post-high-school life, I’ve been a freelance web designer. This could keep me propped in front of the computer between 30 and 70 hours a week. I don’t really mind that. In addition, I spend an extra 10 hours or so just researching the latest shit going on with the tech world. On top of that, I have my own sites I run (Mitcz.com, RevMitcz.com, AuralSalvation.com, and accounts on YouTube, Flickr, MySpace, et al). On top of THAT, I have projects I like to work on (an ongoing spoken-word CD project, my stand-up comedy, Aural Salvation, et al). I don’t have a lot of free time. I have even LESS time to idly sit around on the couch with my gal and watch Sex and the City and cuddle and tell her that her hair smells pretty and shit like that.

The last time I had a girlfriend (and one I lived with no less) ended in mid-2004. For the roughly 3 years we were together, she loathed and cursed at my computer. Since I’ve been single – I ain’t heard a peep outta anyone about it.

You could argue (as some have) that you don’t have to live w/your girlfriend. And, sure, that makes sense. Especially cause I wouldn’t wanna leave Nad high and dry. But, if you’re not living with them, it seems weird to set up “dates” to be together and my schedule is so haywire, there’s no way I could make any kind of a regular life for someone.

Thing is – I’ve known a number of people (both men AND women) who were on the road to great things, whether it be art, music, commerce, whatever.. and then they meet “the one” and voila! All that work goes missing. I weep for their lost work. Inevitably, of course, women who were attracted to certain men for the great things they accomplished while they were single end up getting tired of that lazy sack on the couch who’s lost all interest in pursuing their work and they up and leave. With any luck, that person will be inspired to go back to their work – but often times they just end up with a rebound girlfriend/boyfriend and the ugly cycle continues.

I can’t be havin’ that shit.

I love women too much to settle on just one

Go ahead. Call me a pig. Call me a man-skank. Lecherous pig-dog. Hurl your insults. I give a fuck.

Thing is – I’m really trying not to be a lecherous old man hounding after ass like a hyena sniffing for table scraps. I truly do hold women, as a whole, in a very high regard. Sure, not all of them – but as a whole, they’re inspiring. My mother, for instance, I consider to be the beacon of all that humankind could ever aspire to be. She’s honestly as close to perfection as I think humans can get, and I consider myself a mere shadow of her glory in comparison. Because of her, I consider most women to be a muse. My inspiration for things. I don’t mean it in the lecherous sense of “if I do this well, that girl will fuck me”. The laughter of a woman just warms me up in a way I can’t really describe. It’s the closest thing to “magic” I think we have left in this world.

Because of my neverending desire to make women happy, in however a personal matter I can be allowed, I just feel like I would be disrespecting them to say “Okay, THIS one’s my favorite”. Like how most parents say they don’t have a favorite child, or how most people are hard-pressed to name their “favorite song” (go ahead and try to find THE ONE). There’s just too much beauty and wonder to pick just one.

Everyone’s got their beauty – inside and/or out, right? But, it’s always different. Maybe this one’s got the most gorgeous face I’ve ever seen, maybe this one has an ass that could make the angels sing (believe me, I was going for tongue-in-cheek cheese there), maybe another has an energy that just invigorates me. Hell, no one’s got it all.

So, it’s not so much that I’m picky. It’s like music, or movies, or anything else that brings me happiness. I can’t just pick ONE. That kills me.

In place of “girlfriend” I have : friends for companionship, friends for sex, and family

In a way, this is an extension of the previous point. I have many female friends. Surprising as it may be to some of you – most of them I haven’t fucked. I don’t have to fuck a woman to consider her a worthwhile addition to my life. Again, surprising as it may be to some — I do know how to separate lust and friendship and there’s women I’m friends with that I’ve fucked long ago but I’m so much happier just being friends with them (and not for high school drama reasons, either).

I love my family, as I’ve said before. They provide comfort, stability, companionship, and motivation. I don’t feel a huge void in my life trying to “replace” them in any way.

My friends – like Nad, for instance, are exceptional companions and conversationalists and of much entertainment value. I have no urge to replace or subsidize that.

I have “fuck buddies” (for lack of a better term), that I hang out with and have conversations with, and we can lie around naked and laugh about stupid shit, and maybe fuck for a little while, and then go to sleep and wake up next to and go have some breakfast or… hell, whatever. I have no desire to keep them from enjoying that pleasure with other people, and I have no desire to pick just one out of the few that I feel comfortable engaging in those activities with.

So, why would I need a girlfriend? Sure, the only one out of those three groups listed that I’d genuinely have to “lose” would be the fuck buddies. But, let’s be honest, you see a lot less of your friends (especially just you and them, with no girl/boyfriend) when you’re in a relationship and when you’re with your family, they just wanna talk about you and the girl/boyfriend.

I’m a pragmatic fellow. And, given what I’ve previously described, what am I missing out on by not having a girlfriend?

I make a shitty boyfriend

It’s been hard for me to admit this over the years, but… I’m a jealous asshole. I’m exceedingly paranoid. Not just about girlfriends, either. I get paranoid that friends are talking shit about me every time I leave the room. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me about the multitude of very obvious events that occurred in my childhood that make me that way, either. I’m well aware.

It did, however, take me quite some time to admit I’m a jealous person. I wanted to chalk it up to “natural human behavior” and a number of other bullshit excuses. But, it’s true. I’ll admit it. I get jealous. Hell, even with fuck buddies. I don’t get jealous if they’re fucking someone else – I get jealous if they tell me about their feelings for someone else. Like that’s the person they’d much rather be with, but they’ll settle for me cause I’m there. I don’t like being the backup plan. I don’t mind being one of the group – I just don’t want someone to think they’re downgrading to be with me, for however long it might be.

Beyond jealousy, I’m also a workaholic and girlfriends will ALWAYS come second to my own personal goals and dreams in life. This bothers some, and notsomuch others. Where it bothers almost everyone is that I will cancel important dates, or take a new job that’ll require me to travel all the time, or do a number of other things in regards to my career that will negatively affect them without “consulting” them. I don’t believe in group-think when it comes to my career. My motivation to do something is “will this be better in the long-run for my life?” whereas their motivation is “will this negatively affect the quality time I’m spending with him?”. And it’s not that I don’t care about their feelings – I just don’t think their motivation holds any weight on how I should decide something about my career.

As a last reasoning, I’ve written so much over the years (even unpublished shit, things in my 800-page personal journal that I’ve written in for over 10 years now) about how much I feel constricted and/or paranoid and/or uncomfortable and/or bored and/or unnatural that I feel like a fraud when I’m in a relationship. My last relationship, I spent the better part of the 3 years I was with her thinking “is this what I want? Does this feel right to me?”. I basically spent that 3 years figuring out whether I could be the long-term relationship kinda guy. What I figured out was….. nope. I can’t.

I think relationships are kept alive by being at least a little dishonest. I don’t mean lying full-on. But, you can’t always say exactly what you feel in a relationship, or it’s doomed. You can’t say “Man, I’d love to fuck the living shit out of that blonde over there” without some serious shit coming your way. So, you hide that feeling. You can’t say “ya know, honestly, if you were a little more adventurous in bed, I wouldn’t jerk off to DirtyGapingAssWhores.com every night” without serious shit coming your way, either. So is it lying to NOT say those things? No. But it ain’t entirely honest, either. I’m sure one or more of you out there will claim you and your Sig. Other are “100 percent honest with each other” and ya know what? You’re lying to me, AND you’re lying to them. NO ONE’s 100-percent honest in a relationship, I don’t care what you say. You might think “oh, he’s not the jealous type” (as I’m sure some of my past g/f’s might have said about me) but that just means you either haven’t raised his suspicions enough, or he’s really good at hiding it. Even you polyamorous types – someone’s a little jealous, I guarantee. They’re just not telling you.

Thing is – I spent 3 years lying to her and lying to myself, trying to sustain the relationship “just to see” and… I felt empty inside. I’m just no good at it.

Yeah, I know. I’m an asshole. But – I’m fine with that.

Moreover, I’m admitting it right upfront. I’m saying that I’m a bad boyfriend. I know I’ll piss off whoever would end up in a relationship with me. I have no delusions about it. At least right now. I’m “tainted goods” or I’m … “just not ready”. Who knows.

The point is – I have no business dragging anyone down with me in such uncertainty and uncomfort. It’s as unfair to them (if not moreso) than it is to me. So, should I be punished with no sex life for being totally and completely honest with myself and them? I don’t think so.

You might think differently. Feel free to say so…

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