The big Xian holiday is almost upon us. For the Jewish amongst you, Hannukah is already well underway and, in fact, just about over. Those of you in the 1.6-percentile of the U.S. who celebrate Kwanzaa will be starting your libations after much of the U.S. is returning to work from their X-mas celebrations.
I’m a holiday freak. I think that’s been apparent to anyone who’s caught the show recently. But, allow to suggest a perhaps-strange idea. Instead of separating and arguing about not getting the holiday spotlight for your particular brand of religious hootenanny – let’s come together and celebrate as one, in secular fashion.
To me, the holiday season is a time to look over the year and reflect on all that’s happened. A time to gather with family and friends. To share gifts with your loved ones and the special people in your life and say, in whatever manner feels most appropriate to you, “thank you for being in my life”.
This is not a time to gripe about not getting the uber-1337 gift of the season. This is not a time to sit around sulking about over-population and the mad-rush at the malls. This is not a time to raise controversy about who’s worshipping what.
This is a time, most of all, to just fucking GIVE IT A REST.
“IT” being your life. Your day-to-day bullshit. Going to work. Dealing with idiots. Nickle-and-diming your way through to next month’s rent. Getting upset over petty, menial bullshit.
GIVE IT A REST.
It is with this idea that I propose a change to X-mas. Long ago, the Xians stole the winter celebration from the pagans (Santa does not equal Jesus, folks) and did their magic P.R. shit and turned into something for The Jesus Man. Ditto for Easter, which was stolen from the Pagans who practiced their fertility rituals and had fertility festivals (again, the prolific Easter Bunny does not equal Jesus, folks).
If they stole it from Pagans, then we can steal it back from them. And hell, we don’t even need to steal it. Just assimilate. They don’t even need to know.
What I’m proposing is a non-denominational holiday. Oh, sure, I’d love to call it “MitczMas” but that won’t work. We need a term that sounds familiar enough to everyone, but also still holds meaning. Since this is, most of all, a day of rest and relaxation and family-bonding, let’s call it..
Restmas
.
RESTing for the MASses, you see?
Just think – we all stop bickering about religions. No one gets upset over why you’re celebrating, or who you’re saying it to. We just.. fuckin’ chill out. Love our family and friends. Share gifts. It’s pretty much X-mas minus all that religious crap that got us into this mess.
As a bonus – you can keep on doing your Hannukah celebrations and Kwanzaa parties and Christmas carols and all that shit. This is an ADDITION to your holiday ritual – not a replacement.
Oh, sure, it’ll piss off the religious right. But, really, what DOESN’T? They find a way to get pissed about everything. Here’s a short list :
1. Who you’re fucking
2. Why you’re fucking
3. How you’re fucking
4. What you’re worshipping
5. Science.
I’m going off to Vegas in about 12 hours. I’ll be there to get drunk. And rest. And forget about bills and traffic and religious wars and terrorism and Darfur and airport security and gay-bashing hypocritical assclowns and long mall lines and home mortgage loans and petty arguments about gas prices and government corruption and…..
The point is – I’ll be celebrating Restmas. And my mother’s birthday.
I wish you and yours all the best. Don’t fight this weekend. Just relax. And smile. And be happy – because you’re alive in this crazy world and just like the rest of us, you just wanna get along and get your kicks where you can.
Merry Restmas.
(p.s. – Want holiday cheer in the form of me dancing like a gay little elf? Well then, click right here, buddy)
Loading ...
