Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

Doing my usual rounds today (feels like I’m reading about 100 articles a day lately) I came across another one of those “male advice” columns that purported to break down the communication barrier between men and women, and help to keep guys out of hot water (cause we’re admittedly very good at fucking things up with women).

There’s two major problems here, however :
1. There’s nothing in the article that helps men to STOP this inane behavior.
2. There’s very little advice on actual relationships, and when to know to call it quits.

The article in question is here :
http://www.doubleviking.com/questions-from-your-girlfriend-that-aren-t-really-questions-4486-p.html.

I’m not an expert. Never claimed to be. But, I know my way around inane questions that serve no purpose. So, to that end, I’m going to respond to each of their gripes and actually give you some useful advice here. Your results may vary – but I have a solution for that at the end.

The Question : “How do I look?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Tell me I am attractive. Now.”
Their advice :
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.

My Advice :
You have a few options. The one I opt for is usually “are you genuinely curious to know, or are you looking for validation here?”. It’s a direct, honest question. And, it shows I don’t respond well to bullshit-laden questions. They’ll almost always respond with “I’m genuinely curious”. My answer is very simple : “If I thought how you looked at different moments throughout a given day was an issue that gave me any pause – I wouldn’t be with you. I think you’re naturally beautiful, not just ‘hot when you’re trying’ and that hasn’t changed.”

Some argue my tactic of brutal honesty. Personally, I argue that being brutally honest is the only way to have a healthy relationship. It goes like this : If I’m with you and ONLY you – it’s because I’m so enamored with you that I not only don’t want you to go away, but there’s no one else out there that’s a better “fit” for me. If that doesn’t ease your concerns about looking pretty – then you’re too neurotic for me and perhaps we should go our separate ways.

The Question : “Do you think she’s pretty?”
What they say consider the “real meaning” : “Prove to me you aren’t attracted to other women.”
Their advice :
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
“Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?”
“Well, she’s got sort of a nice body, but she doesn’t have your eyes.”
“I wasn’t asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she’s pretty.”
“I don’t understand. I just told you she wasn’t pretty — she doesn’t have your eyes.”
She’ll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she’ll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.

My Advice :
The best way to avoid ever hearing this question is to date bisexual women. Honestly, I have a hard time even giving consideration to casually seeing a woman who isn’t at least somewhat bisexual. They’re more likely to jump into the “oohh… look how hot SHE is” conversation – and they don’t really care if you agree or not.

Save for that, the article is right about what it means. The route I usually take is “sorry.. that’s a loaded question and I don’t answer loaded questions”. They’ll argue that it’s really NOT a loaded question, but I’m not THAT dumb. Often, the subtle argument leads to fun, silly play-fighting and you can parlay that into sex. If you go down on her for a few minutes during that – she’ll probably forget the question and the ensuing psuedo-argument.

If neither of these work, or aren’t options for some reason (and if it’s just you settling with whatever came along cause you’re lazy, then you’re a fucking prick) then you may as well just be honest. The easiest way to work that is “it’s really hard to tell. She’s on TV, she’s all made-up… she might be a hag when she doesn’t have 3-hours and $10,000 worth of preparation done”. If it’s asked about a girl on the street – just claim it’s hard to tell cause they’re too far away. Either way, it’s good to end with “…but she’s not ugly, no. I’d say she’s pretty attractive” so they know you’re not afraid of telling her the truth. Oh, sure, it might sting – but women appreciate honesty and they appreciate not being with a man who’s a total pussy about saying such things.

The Question : “Where do you want to go tonight?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Read my mind
Their advice :
Get a calendar. Every four days, make sure you have a different activity planned, and follow through with each day’s activity.
Alternatively, if she asks the question too many times just fill a bag with oranges and swing it around menacingly. “If you ask me that one more time,” you can say, “then this is what we’re doing tonight.”

My Advice :
Yes, I realize their response was mostly in jest. The calendar thing? Ohhh I sure hope they were kidding. Who marks shit on a calendar? How the hell is that spontaneous and fun?

Anyway – you can answer this one pretty bluntly, too. Say “are you asking me to choose, or are we having a mutual decision-making process here and you want my input?”

Sometimes, despite what that article says, women really don’t know. Men – same thing. It’s human nature. Sometimes all you know is that you want to leave your home and you want to have that other person’s company along for the trip. Beyond that – you’re really not too picky. So, if it’s one of those situations, then you can’t really fuck this up.

If it’s of the “let’s test this guy” variety, you can sniff that out with the question about whether or not it’s a mutual decision-making process. If they lie to you so they can continue to test you – I suggest you make a point about not enjoying the trickery and that they shouldn’t expect you to be a mindreader. If they continue to do this, time after time, then it’s probably best you go find yourself a girlfriend who doesn’t play catty mindgames. There’s plenty of them out there, I assure you.

The Question : “What are you thinking?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Give me a reason to yell at you”
Their advice :
Kiss her on the mouth, really really hard. With any luck, the pain will be enough that she’ll forget what she asked you, and you can go about your business as if nothing happened.

My advice :
Okay… you COULD go that route. And it’s probably one of the better ideas they’ve had in that article. But that kinda feels like pansy behavior – like you’re dodging something without having any reason to do so.

Truth is – you know what you’re thinking. Hell, I probably know what you’re thinking. You’re a man. You’re thinking one of the following :

1. Am I thirsty/hungry? If so, what would sate that need?
2. I sure wish she would just pull my dick out and suck on it.
3. I really wish I knew what (insert girl you know casually or a celebrity) looked like naked.
4. Ahh… I remember that time in my youth when I (fill in story you’re telling yourself in your head).

If it’s number 1 or number 4 – you can probably safely just say what you were thinking. Even if it’s really boring. In fact, ESPECIALLY if it’s really boring. Then she’ll be sorry she asked.

The reason women ask this question is usually because they’re thinking about you – maybe thinking about a future with you. But, they can’t say that cause they’ll come off as clingy and they know you’ll freak out. They ask what you’re thinking in the hopes that maybe you’ll be thinking the same thing and “ohhh isn’t that precious!?!?!”. Bleh. If you ARE thinking about them, however, feel free to say so. There’s no harm in it. After all – the truth is good.

If what you were thinking about is not something you’d want them to know, just say “I don’t feel like telling you – nothing personal.” They’ll inevitably ask why, and my response has usually been “because there’s only one place where I’m truly free in this world. And, it’s in my mind. If I let what was in mind go out into the world unsupervised, I may as well be a machine”. Again, probably not what they want to hear – but that’s my honest response and it helps, again, to indicate my indesire to break my own hard-fought laws.

The Question : “How was your day?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Ask me how my day was.”
Their advice :
Make the summary of your day short and sweet so she can launch into her diatribe early and get it done quicker. You don’t really need to listen to the actual words she speaks so much as you need to watch her facial expressions. Women’s faces have a tendency to recreate the way they looked during specific parts of a story, and mimicking those facial expressions as she delivers them to you will make you seem like you are not only paying attention, but also extremely interested in her story.

My advice :
Honestly – I just judge how they deliver the question. If they deliver it in a boring tone, then they had a bad day. If it’s excited, then they had a great day. Of course, if your day included something that they’ve been wanting to know about (personal example : when I went to film a short film recently that I was starring in, a woman I’m seeing asked all about it), then you can safely answer the question and tell them, cause they honestly want to know.

If your day isn’t what they’re really asking about – don’t answer the question. Just say “no… I wanna hear about YOUR day” followed by the mood. Like “….cause you sound really excited, so I wanna hear the story” or “…cause you sound kinda bummed, so I wanna know what’s got you down”.

The important thing they leave out of their advice, and it’s probably intentional, is that you shouldn’t ask if you don’t care. As for myself, I only date women whose days I’d actually want to hear about. If she’s an interesting person, it’s because she has interesting things going on in her life – and I love a good story, so I ask about their day without being egged on about it because I actually WANT to hear it. If you’re dating some boring little airhead, then this is a pretty big clue that you’re only with her for the sex. If that’s the case, you should switch to a booty-call relationship ASAP.

The Question : “Don’t our married friends seem happy?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Let’s get married”
Their advice :
(they have this in GIANT red print) “RUN!”

My advice :
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this one. I don’t have many married friends, though. The few I do have proabably wouldn’t be lumped together like that. The question I’ve received would be “don’t you think (couple’s name) seem really happy?”

My answer “yeah.. they seem happy now – but I wonder how long that’ll last”. There’s an exception to this rule. I have a friend who’s a former male escort, former male stripper, former jail security guard, former rapper, former college basketball star and still keeps himself looking the best he can : standing at about 6′5″ and built as hell, plus he’s got a reaaally deep voice. If it matters, he’s also a black guy. He and his wife have the model relationship. There’s really no one else on this earth that makes me question my eternally-single lifestyle more than he and his wife. When I was w/my girlfriend and she asked about them, I always answered it honestly.

“Yeah, they’ve got a great thing going on. I think it helps immensely that they were much older when they met, both divorced, both had kids, and they’ve gone to swinger parties and they’re the most open, honest people in the world. There’s nothing taboo in their relationship and they seem to be afraid of nothing. I don’t know that I could ever be that open and comfortable with anyone. It’s definitely a helluva goal to strive for, though”.

How do you answer it? I don’t really know. If your girlfriend is actually lumping all of your married friends together and assuming they’re happy – then she’s an idealist and you probably SHOULD actually run.

The Question : “Do you love me?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Lavish me with compliments or I’m leaving you.” OR “I am a clingy psychopath, please dump me.”
Their advice :
If we’re talking about the psycho chick, the answer is simple (albeit involved): dump her, cut off all contact with her, and change your locks.
If the question is coming from someone you’re in a serious relationship with, no amount of reassuring will make a difference: if words meant anything to her, she wouldn’t have bothered asking in the first place. The only real way to solve this problem is with money. Buy her something. It doesn’t matter what, so long as it’s more than 100 dollars. You can buy her a goddamn fishing rod made of peppermint, so long as you include the receipt to show her the exact dollar value you place on her love.

My advice :
They got the part about the psycho chick right. The other part, I hope they’re kidding. Seriously.

As for what I do? I’ve only told one woman I loved her (save for close family, of course). And, I may have. Not really sure, and it doesn’t really matter anymore does it?

There’s no easy way around this. If you do, I guess “of course I love you” might work. If you don’t, then you DEFINITELY shouldn’t lie and say you do. If that offends her, let her leave. Seriously. You’re better off for it.

You could also ask “what makes you think I don’t?” if you’ve already told her at some point in the past that you do. That’s an important discussion to have – this question was asked cause she probably sees a problem in the relationship, or a disconnection. If you care about her, and the relationship, you need to pursue that conversation. It’s part of that “work” everyone talks about that is required to keep a healthy relationship.

The Question : “Do you want to try new things?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “I want to know exactly how much of a pervert you are.”
Their advice :
Do NOT say threesomes. EVER. Say something quasi-naughty, but not depraved: suggest a schoolgirl outfit, or make reference to “role-playing” without specifically stating what roles you want each partner to play. Keep it vague, because it’s not like she’ll follow up on those desire anyway: after this question has been asked, your answer basically just serves as damage control.

My advice :
Agreed – NEVER say “threesome!”. Sorry to say, but the woman has to be the one to suggest that. Though, if you want to have a threesome w/her and another man, or you just want to watch her get pounded by another dude – you can probably let that out. She might not like it, but if that’s what your needs are, then you need to vocalize them. Depending on how long you’ve been together and what kind of woman she is, you MIGHT (and I stress MIGHT) be able to slip in “It’d be hot just to watch you and another woman work away at each other” but put an emphasis on “just wanna watch”. I doubt that’ll go over well, but again.. if that’s in your needs, you should probably express that at some point (when applicable and comfortable, of course. This is not first-month-of-dating conversation).

Beyond that, I really don’t know. Surprised as you may be to hear it, I don’t really have fetishes and things that are dirty and wrong that I’d be embarassed to talk about. I like tying women up, biting, blindfolding them, putting scorpions on their chest while they’re tied up and blindfolded, spanking, things like that. But I don’t usually sit and discuss that stuff – I just go about as far as I feel they’re comfortable with and I make sure they’re comfortable before, during and after I do it. I’m not here to fuck with people – I’m only as sadistic as they want me to be. And, yes, I’ve had the crazy bitches who wanted to get punched in the mouth when they get fucked anally – and I’ve done it, cause that’s what they asked for, explicitly.

I always hated this conversation anyway. With the last girlfriend I had (some 3+ years ago), I already knew what she wasn’t into – the afforementioned BDSM-style stuff. Beyond that, I just wanted to get a threesome going and I wasn’t about to suggest that. I would just say “I dunno… I got nothin’. You suggest something”.

The Question : “How come we don’t ________ anymore?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “You’re getting boring, and I am going to cheat on you next week if you don’t do something interesting soon.”
Their advice :
At this point, the relationship is pretty much dead. You can either do something drastic like plan a vacation in Venice, but the novelty of such a diversion will wear off shortly after returning home. Your only two options are to ride out the misery for years and years simply because you have nowhere else to go (like my grandparents did), or to find a really dramatic way of permanently ending your relationship. My personal suggestion: wait until you’re positive that your girlfriend is cheating on you (which, statistically, she is cheating on you), and simply catch her in the act. You’ll finally get an excuse to yell all those obscenities at her you’ve been building up over the years. And the best part?
You’ll never have to answer one of these questions that aren’t really questions ever again.

My advice :
I don’t really agree that this is a be-all, end-all conversation. There’s a lot of things you “don’t do anymore” as a relationship goes on. For instance, in the beginning, you probably snuck away at a party to fuck in the bathroom. You probably don’t do that anymore. In the beginning, you probably talked on the phone a lot. You probably don’t do that anymore, either.

If it’s something simple like that – you can just answer honestly. And, you should. So she knows where your head is at.

However, if it’s truly something serious, like “how come we don’t have sex more than once a month anymore?” then it’s a serious disucssion, and she deserves a serious answer, and an honest one. If the honest answer is that you’re just not attracted to her anymore – you need to tell her that. Chances are the only reason you havent’ told her is cause you can’t handle the thought of some other guy gettin’ in there. And, that’s unfair to her – so knock that shit off and be honest w/the girl, will ya? If the answer is because of a sexual dysfunction or stress or just a general lack of interest that you don’t quite understand – you’ll want to discuss these things, too. You never know what she might suggest. Could even be a threesome.

Conclusion..
Look, it’s pretty simple. Sure, women have their silly double-meaning questions. But the road to take is the high one – of honesty, of expressing an indesire to have such questions hurled at you, things like that. It shows you’re not afraid to speak your mind, you’re not a whipped little bitch who cowers before this girl. If you cower before her – she’ll wonder how many other things in your life you’ll cower before. For instance, say you two decide to have children and she takes a year (or more) off of work. Now, you have the possibility of getting a promotion at your job, but you’re a big ol’ pussy and the promotion goes to someone with more balls. Now, you’re both struggling and on top of her worrying about the concerns of bearing a child, she’s worried about monthly bills. That’s some serious bullshit there. She needs to know you’ve got her back on things like that.

In extension to all of these things, if you’re dating neurotic, mind-gaming women who love to fuck with your head any chance they get – you’re in a toxic relationship and you need to get out of it. That shit’s not good for you, it’s not good for her, and you’re only hurting yourself by sticking around. Some people are “snacks”, some people are “meals”. Your job is to figure out which is which and NEVER mix and match the two. That goes for both men AND women.

Now – your thoughts?

Diggin' my shit? Well then..