I guess I should say “I’m strongly considering writing a book”, cause.. hell, maybe I’m just not cut out for it.
Anyway, I’ve had a number of people tell me in recent months (and like 4 people in the past 2 weeks alone) that I should pen my sage-like wisdom about sex & dating (feel free to giggle) into book-form.
To that end, the book is tentatively going to be structured a bit like a reference book. You could read it straight through if you wanted, but it will be broken up into sections and headlines and then discussed in subtopics below that.
So, for instance, you’re in a relationship and you think your partner’s cheating on you. How can you tell? How should you react? Is it your fault? These questions that would weigh on your mind could be looked up, and answered.
Now, I’m not an expert and I wouldn’t claim to be. I’m a comedian, mostly. But part of being a comedian is recognizing patterns in people/places/things/ideas and then exploiting them for comedic effect. Giving human advice is very similar : you recognize a pattern and give a projection based on what you’ve seen in the past.
So, I’ve got a number of years recognizing certain patterns and seeing what most people agree on, as well as what usually happens. To this end, I’ve got a few people who are open-minded and intelligent that I plan to tap for helping me recognize patterns and making projections.
WHAT I’D LIKE FROM YOU…
Give me some questions that you’ve struggled with. They can be one-liners, or wordy. I want to see what dilemmas people have, and what are common talking points that they’d like addressed. This will help me weed out topics that few people would take interest in (“I like asparagus, but my boyfriend likes celery. Who should buy the peanut butter when we go to the store on alternating Tuesdays?”) and focus more energy on common ones (“I like a girl but I don’t know if she likes me. How can I find out?”).
Now, as a “primer”, I’ve put below my working draft of the first page or two of the book called “Universal Truths in Sex & Dating”. The idea here is that someone would look over this list while thumbing through the book at the bookstore, and think “this guy is funny, open-minded, clever, well-spoken, and I agree with his outlook” and it would be a very basic primer/intro as to how I’ll handle topics throughout the rest of the book. And, it helps the reader to figure out “which side I’m on” so they can discern whether or not I’m worth listening to on sex/dating or whether I’m full of shit.
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS IN SEX & DATING :
- If someone cheats on their boyfriend/girlfriend to be with you, they’ll eventually cheat on you to be with someone else.
- Married men do not leave their wives to be with you, and expecting them to is an exercise in painful naivety.
- Married women have angry husbands that will likely do very painful/illegal things to you when they find out about you
- Sex on the first date says absolutely nothing about someone’s sluttiness, self-esteem, their tendency to rush into things, or how many people they’ve done it with before. It just means you both wanted to fuck each other, and that seemed like a good time to do it.
- As a man, you may or may not be expected to pay for drinks/dinner within the first few dates. But if you don’t at least make a genuine offer to do so, you’re an asshole.
- As a woman, you are under no obligation to perform sexual favors based on the cost of a date, but it behooves you to at least imply your disinterest in that possibility within a reasonable timeframe and/or try to cut the date short before more money is spent by the person you’re on a date with.
- If you’ve bought a nice car with the interest of using it to get women, the purchase price of the vehicle is inversely proportional to your right to complain about the vapid, hollow, money-grubbing whores that you’ll no doubt end up with as a result.
- If your significant other expresses a sexual desire that you are unwilling to fulfill (or even attempt), it is highly probable that they will seek to fulfill that desire with someone else.
- No sexual activity is “straight” or “gay” behavior. Only “compatible” and “incompatible” with your comfort level.
- In the bedroom, there’s not “good” or “bad” per se, but rather perceptive and imperceptive to your partner’s needs, comfort levels, and desires.
- You will never meet someone you’d actually want to be with by calling a chat line. If someone is attractive and socially aware enough to get desireable dates, they’re not at home calling strangers on a switchboard.
- Rekindling a recently severed exclusive relationship with someone will not fix or change any of the things that were wrong in your relationship to begin with.
- Cheating is defined as such : If you’re doing something that you would be upset at your partner for doing (unless expressly agreed upon in advance, obviously), then you are cheating. That’s why it’s called “cheating”, cause it’s unfair.
- The formula for how long you should stay single after a relationship ends is 1 month for every 1 year. If you break this law, you and your partner will no doubt suffer as a result of not letting an open wound heal.
- Friends don’t let friends date people who treat them like shit.
- If you’re single, and someone cheats on their significant other with you, then you are absolved from guilt (with exception if you’re friends w/their S.O.). If the only thing holding them back from cheating on their partner is your consent, they were going to cheat anyway and you’re merely a catalyst.
- Conversely, if you are cheated on, all fault should lie on your significant other. Not the person they fucked. If that person is a friend of yours, then you just absolved yourself of two toxic people at once. Be glad.
- Faking orgasms is like giving a generous tip for bad service at a restaurant. You’re silently encouraging mediocre behavior and needlessly taxing yourself in the process.
- Conversely, if your self-esteem is dependent on the other person’s orgasm, you’re the waitperson being well-tipped out of pity.
- If you support laws to prevent gay marriage under the guise of “preserving the sanctity of marriage”, then you support abolition of divorce for the same reason. You can’t have it both ways, hypocrite.
- Marriage is as natural for humans as owning a car. There’s nothing wrong with it if you want to do it, but that doesn’t mean everyone should.
- Peoples’ treatment of those who are trying their best in service industries is directly proportional to how considerate, compassionate, and selfless they are in relationships.
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