I woke up with weird stomach pains after 2 hours of sleep. I couldn’t get back to bed, so I wrote this instead. Enjoy.
MILF
I wish this term would go away. When I first heard it in American Pie, it sounded like a good one-liner for a drunken/stoner kid to deliver in a hallway. Like something a person might suddenly come up with just to crack a quick joke. It wasn’t a gut-busting laugh (that honor goes to the infamouse “pie scene” and Eugene Levy’s facial expression), but it was a “heh”.
Little did I know it would catch on.
Honestly, however, I wouldn’t mind the term so much if it weren’t so misused. So, let’s do a quick analysis.
MILF = Mom I’d Like To Fuck
30-something and 40-something women who still “got it goin’ on”? Not a MILF. Unless you know their son/daughter. The term isn’t SOWIPF (Slightly Older Women I’d Probably Fuck).
If you’re a mom, and you still got the bangin’ patcha – DO NOT call yourself a MILF. I see this shit all the time. Go ahead search around on your favorite social network for “MILF” and you’ll find countless women with children who say “I’m a MILF!”.
Earth to self-absorbed woman : That means you want to fuck yourself. While there’s nothing wrong with it, MILF is not a title you can give yourself. Just like you can’t tell people “I’m a genius” or “I’m a brilliant artist”. These are things other people have to tell you.
Hipster Irony
The crowning example of hipster irony is Chuck Norris jokes. Chuck Norris is a goddamned tool. I’m not bursting bubbles here – you all know he’s a fuckin’ tool. Sure, the jokes are sometimes pretty fuckin’ funny, but can we use those jokes for someone more deserving? Like.. Jackie Chan? That guy’s fuckin’ amazing. Chuck Norris? Notsomuch. He’s a hairy leftover from the 80s. And now he’s using those Chuck Norris jokes to further a religious agenda. Bleh!
I’ve gone to hipster clubs, where the flat-fronted hat pushing two variable-length tufts of hair over half the face of a guy with full sleeve work of ink that meant little more to him than “yeah, I’ll take that tattoo on the wall over there”, hang out in droves. You know what I’ve seen there? New Kids on the Block shirts. People dancing to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time”. Girls in Europe (the band) shirts.
Knock it the fuck off. NKOTB was pure and utter horseshit. Eddie Murphy was once a brilliant comic, but not even Rick James could make Eddie’s fecal-smeared pop sensibility listenable. Europe.. well, I genuinely dig those guys. But that’s cause it was one of the first albums I bought when I was a kid and it brings back fond memories.
I have a friend who’s a male model. Last time I saw him – dude had a mullet. A fucking mullet. The worst g’damn atrocity to happen to human hair since the beehive. IT’S NOT FUCKING COOL AND IT NEVER WAS. But… this guy makes a living wearing the phat threads for magazines. And they’re down w/the mullet?
Look – some things are cool for a small period of time, and then we all sober up, put away the 8-balls of cocaine, look around and go “WTF was that about?”. In fact, pretty much everything that happened in the 80s falls into this category.
Here’s a quick refresher :
Now that I’m approaching 30 (about 16 months from now), I think I’m entitled to say that 95% of the people I see wearing this shit and pulling off the hipster irony weren’t even fucking ALIVE when that shit was popping off.
Either like something, or don’t. Just don’t sit there and pretend to like it, even though you don’t, cause “heh. wouldn’t it be funny if I was like ACTUALLY into NKOTB?”. Not funny, douchenozzle. You’re a fucking tool.
Douchebags
Not the rubber bottle that makes your vag smell like flowers. I mean these fuckin’ clowns.
Apparently some people still don’t get it. I have a friend who recently broke up with some douchebag she was dating. She went off for about 30 minutes, telling me all the things leading up to her breaking up with him.
I said “look, dear. I could’ve told you he was gonna do all that shit within the first 15 seconds of meeting him”. She said “how would you know that?”
CAUSE HE’S A FUCKIN’ DOUCHEBAG!
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and feathers its hair like a duck – It’s a fuckin’ duck. Or a platypus. But probably a duck.
Fags
I don’t mean gay people. Gay people are exempt from being fags. I hope to clear this up, and get this to catch on. Gay men and women can do whatever they want, cause they’ve got an entire country full of close-minded assholes telling them they have a disease, they’re going to hell, and they ruin the sanctity of marriage by suggesting their love should be legally and officially recognized.
Fags are homophobic frat boys that do exceedingly gay things, but continue to try and “prove” their heterosexuality. Usually by engaging in more gay shit – like taking their shirt off and rubbing up against other men while swilling Bud Light.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again : If you suck dick, you’re allowed to do certain things that those of us who aren’t sucking dick aren’t allowed to do. This includes, but is not limited to : wrestling with members of the same sex, crying (unless someone close to you died or is dying), wearing makeup, wearing anything pink, and getting fucked in the ass.
My favorite example of faggotry in recent memory is the “Guys Gone Wild” commercials. It’s wall-to-wall douchebaggery. Homophobic, drunken frat boys. The person filming them is a female, so these fucking wastes of egg and sperm get it into their tiny little frat boy heads that chicks are gonna rub their wet little pussies when they buy these videos of drunken frat boys jerkin’ their 4-inch poles.
Uhh… WRONG.
Women aren’t buying those videos. If a woman wants to see a tanned, shirtless male stroke his shaft and shoot steamy-hot loads of silky smooth manchowder, she can walk into any bar in the U.S. and say “you – take your cock out and stroke it for me” and 4 outta 5 times, she’ll get it.
You know who’s buying those videos? Gay men. Sorry to burst your homophobic frat boy bubble, but gay men have the same fantasy about seducing young, straight boys that most men have about seducing young, virginal women.
In essence : You’re a gay pornstar. How’s that grab ya? And now, you’re not only a total fag, but “douchebag” is too manly a term for you. You’re a douchepurse.
Think about THAT next time you think gay marriage is tearing a giant hole in the fabric of America.
Sluts
This word is so completely overused, and almost always in the wrong context. Men who use it are confused and judgmental. Women who use it are also confused and judgmental – women who wonder if they might be one are usually wrong, and unfortunately don’t have anyone non-judgmental around. Get out your notepads, cause I’m gonna break it down for ya.
The following things have no bearing on whether or not a woman is a slut :
- How many partners she’s had
- How many partners of the same sex she’s had
- What she’s willing to do on the first date
- Whether or not she likes cumshots, facials, anal, or throatfucking
- How many people she’s actively sleeping with at a given time
- Whatever the hell happened in high school.
A slut, as best as I’ve been able to define it, is a woman who’s so self-loathing and socially inept that she cannot get attention or the illusion of respect unless she fucks her way into a social circle. We’ve probably all known at least one woman like this in our lives – and they’re generally not very attractive. They’re easy to spot. If you’re with a group of people who can’t stand hanging out with a certain female in the group, but that female tries to grope or hit on everyone who so much as gives her eye contact – she’s probably a slut. Sleeping with her is akin to giving more beer to the annoying, violent drunk at a party. You’re just encouraging bad behavior. And you might end up with gonorrhea.
For the record, men can’t be sluts. Some of them might be worthless slime, but they’re not sluts. Believe me – if we could weasel our way into a social group by fucking the hottest chick in it, then we wouldn’t buy nice cars and fancy living spaces.
A woman who fucks a different guy every day for 2 months? That’s a woman trying to explore her sexuality, and figure out what she likes. Reserve judgment, and you might be lucky enough to score with a girl who has no inhibitions (which is when you get to try that fun shit like cumshots, facials, throatfucking and anal).
Women have suffered at the hands of a judgmental society long enough. It needs to fuckin’ stop. They’re human, for fuck’s sake. They’re equals with men on a human level. They have sexual needs and desires, just like us men. And to the women – if someone’s judging you for your sexuality, it’s not YOUR malfunction. It’s theirs. Hold your head up high, and go fuck someone who’s worthy of your warm little love pocket.
Phrases That Need To Go
“Sounds like a personal problem”
Yeah, asshole. It IS a personal problem. That’s how us human earthlings interact. Sorry if they do it differently over there on Zorblax-12. Go fuck a Zorblaxian and shut the fuck up.
“Sucks to be you”
No, it sucks to be YOU. Cause you don’t have the brain power to conjure up a slightly more clever line.
“Cool beans”
If someone says this to you, that is their subconscious warning you that you’re dealing with a mal-adjusted individual. Don’t believe me? Think back on anyone who’s said this with a straight face in the past 8 years. Now, try and remember why you don’t talk to them anymore.
“Tell me how you REALLY feel” (said in a sarcastic tone)
I’m getting tired of sarcasm these days. If you have to hide all your true feelings behind the guise of the polar opposite of what you really wanted to say – then you might wanna start growing a pair of working testicles. This phrase, in particular, has that clever/sarcastic thing going for it on the surface. But in essence, it’s the equivalent to saying “word”, but with the after taste of being condescending. I hear it quite often when I go off on a rant. I would come up with a clever come-back to it (besides yelling “I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU HOW I REALLY FELT!!”), but I’m usually so irritated by the remark I just wanna stop talking to that person immediately.
Okay. That’s enough ranting for now.
Join me again next time when I’ll be shoving a textual boot up someone else’s ass for being a jackhole.
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