Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

One of my favorite recent pasttimes (no jokes about the oxymoron) is checking through the “Missed Connections” section of my local Craigslist. Part of it is me idly hoping that some hot chick I was eyeballing on the street one random day was secretly eyeballing me and took it upon herself to post something about it on CL.

The other part of me is a sadistic asshole and finds incredible humor in seeing people flop around on there trying desperately to let “someone” know about their interest without giving out too many details and looking desperate.

In the interest of fully explaining the latter, let me set out some quick “rules” on how to properly post such a thing.

1. Specificy when/where you saw the person, give some details that the person themselves would be able to notice (i.e. “you were the hot one in your group” isn’t something the person reading is going to know, but “you had a brown shirt” would be)

2. Give some details about who YOU were when they saw you. In this day and age, you’d have to be pretty desperate to respond to every attempt made by the populous to hit on you. So, give them details that will help them rememeber whether or not you’re worth replying to.

3. Don’t sound desperate. Good form : “I just think it’d be cool to hang out for cofffee sometime”. Bad form : “I will keep posting this until you reply, for my heart is empty now that I’ve seen you. PLEASE!!! C’MON!!! I’LL ROCK UR WORLDZ!!”

4. This is not a personals ad. If you’re not looking for a “missed connection” with a specific person – don’t post a message.

Now, for the fun part. People who have broken one or more rules.

Why? DId you meet me?

Are your initials M.C.?

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This person broke the first 2 rules.

First off : that’s all it says – “are your initials M.C.?” My driver’s license says I’m “Mitchell Christopher Marzoni”. Often times, since my last name wraps to the next line, I’ve had people take my name down as “Mitchell Christopher”. So.. in a way, MY initials are M.C. But what if they host an open mic? Or they’re the DJ at a stripclub? Does being called “M.C. Starbucks” count as having the initials “M.C.”? And how do you know someone’s initials, but NOTHING else about them (including WHERE you saw them)?

Beyond that – WTF does “why? did you meet me?” mean?

Eye Surf

you drove a white truck with the licence plate eye surf… this may be stupid but couldn’t think of any other way to reach ya. If ever come upon this, I lost ya on the way to TJs (national & westwood blvd). Drop a line if ya may think who I am.

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Okay, they pretty well covered Rule #1 but it feels like they broke 2 and 3.

Sure, the person seeing this would pretty well know you were talking about him (this is a women-for-men ad), but how does he know who the hell you are? She also states “I lost ya on the to TJs”. Am I the only one who gets a creepy stalker feel from that? Like “hey, I was following you in traffic, running lights, switching lanes, honking at you… but it was like you were going somewhere. In your CAR of all things. Sheeesh”.

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU
…..there i said it
call me as soon as you read this you know it’s me

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OMG!!! EYE LUV U 2!!! I’m so glad you finally came out and said it, Shirley. Wait.. you’re not Shirley? Shit. Okay, sorry about that. Can I love you back anyway?

BORED

I have no plans tonite. Anyone interested in hanging out with me? I am in a drinking mood tonite. Let me know.

——-

Sure thing, complete stranger. Let’s get drunk and figure out who the fuck you are. I doubt you’re a creepy old hag, or a dude dressed like a chick, or a desperate twinkie-stuffing whore. Imagine someone replying to this, and then getting married and having kids w/them.

Kid : “So, how’d you two meet?”

Father : “Well son… your mother had this tendency to post anonymous messages on a public forum asking for drunken sex. I was BORED and a complete loser, too, so I put my name in the hat and… well, the rest is history!”

You never check this – but you have a reason to today

Should I wait for you to get over this fear or walk because you aren’t wanting this ever? Just tell me. Im going crazy not knowing.

signed.
the understanding one

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You’re breaking Rule 1, 2, and 4 here.

So, lemme get this right – you’re addressing this to a dude who has committment issues? Well, I’m sure there’s only aobut 2378237823 men in LA who fit THAT description. Also, if they “never check this”, what makes you think they’re going to check it now, and know it’s you who’s asking? If I were the dude, I’d fear you too. Cause you’re abundantly retarded.

I cant take it anymore, I miss you

I miss you so much , wish I didnt miss you but I cant help who I love !!!
I love you and miss you lots !

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OMG!!! I MISS U 2!!! I LUV U SOOO MUCHO!! LET’S MARRY, SHIRLEY!! Oh, wait. You’re not Shirley, either? Well, fuck. Maybe you could pretend to miss me and I’ll put a hot beef injection in your brown eye?

Lest you think I’m only ripping on women-for-men missed connections, the men aren’t much better. In fact, men seem to be way less picky. They’re just like “well, as long as SOMEONE replies, then I’m good”.

ENCINO STARBUCKS GIRLS… you are all so HOT!!!!!

The girls that work there are by far the absolute best looking all around!

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OMGZ!! I WERK AT THA STARBUCKS IN ENCINO!! LOLZZZ! WE SHOULD PRACTICE THE MAKING OF BABIES!!!

Look here, kiddo : women kinda prefer being courted. Being addressed personally. It makes ‘em feel special. I know it’s hard to understand, cause as men we’ll pretty much take whatever fuckable thing with 3 holes that wanders into our field of view with the slightest half-smile.

And, really, if someone from that Starbucks responded to the ad – would you really trust a girl who has NO idea who you are, but throws herself at anyone who makes a passive attempt to lump them in as “OMGSOHOT!!!”?

Hottest checkout girl at Albertsons!!

Claudia, I ran an ad last week hoping to find you. I keep coming in and your not there. I asked your coworkers again to tell you to check out this site so I can find out all about you, without everyone in line hearing me do so! I hope to hear from you……….

Van

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When I first saw that headline, I thought it was gonna be in the same vein as the Starbucks guy. But, heading inside makes it clear that this dude’s like mega creepy. Let’s trace his steps..

1. He runs an ad last week, hoping to get in touch with “the hot girl” at Albertsons. She doesn’t respond.

2. He goes into the store MULTIPLE times, trying to find her. No luck.

3. He inquires about her whereabouts (several times, again) to her co-workers and – surprise! – they don’t tell him shit.

4. He runs the ad AGAIN and tells her all about his constant stalking, which is now getting obsessive.

Gee, Romeo, I can’t imagine why this hasn’t worked for you. Have you exhausted every option? Maybe get a tattoo of her name across your chest and run in her store without your shirt on and make sure you steal some shit so they get you on their store cameras to show to her later.

I hear women LOVE that!

To the girl who saw me masturbating in my car

I didn’t mean to frighten you. I honestly didn’t see you walk up. I had to notice that you looked for a few seconds before turning away and laughing. It seemed as if you hesitated, would you like to watch for longer? I’d love to show you…of if you know anyone else, i’d love to show them too..

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MONUMENTAL balls, this guy. Not only does he jerk off in his car. In public. In full-view. And get CAUGHT doing it. He’s not remorseful. He, in fact, brags about it in the open. And wants to find the girl who caught him. And invites others to watch, too, if they’d like.

Wow. Just wow. Dude – you’re on your own. Lemme clue you in on something : if you ever catch someone pullin’ their pud in plain view of public eye, you’re going to look, hesitate, and then walk away laughing (or throwing up). It’s not because “OMG! WOW! A PENIS! I NEVER SEE THOSE!!!” It’s because it’s pretty fuckin’ weird. You see that and you go “wait, wait… is that dude jerkin’ his pole, or is he trying to take off his parking brake? OMG he IS flankin’ his steak!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”.

Good luck, though, buddy. I’m sure there’s a ton of women out there looking to get sexually harassed on their morning stroll through the neighborhood.

girl i keep seeing lately at Pavillions

i keep this cute girl at Pavillions always when she is checking out. seems about 5′4” black.brown hair, blue eyes, fair complexion. really pretty and always in work attire. i wish all girls here could look so cute and sweet.
if by any chance you happen to read this, send me an email!
i’m a nice guy myself.

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Aww… you’re a nice guy? How cute. I’m sure she’s looking for a nice guy that keeps eyeing her at the same place and who’s brain is so non-functional that he can’t figure out that “work uniform” in “same place” means : SHE FUCKING WORKS THERE. Now, how many work uniforms could there possibly be at the Pavillions that don’t clue you in as to where she works?

Not that it would help. You’re a “nice guy”. Chicks hate nice guys.

Okay, now I saved the best for last…

looking friend

looking going out female friend ,,age 28to 42,,have good time single male 51,, have extra full in tank,, you need this to run your car,

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I love this ad. Every time I read it, in any accent I can manage, it just gets funnier. I wish I could track all this guy’s posts. I’ll bet he makes some doozies.

“looking cooking female friendly person. You need bread crumbs for chicken to fried! I have breadcrumb! Let’s peel skin and KFC our TV room!”

“dicking go spank-spank. Many night no bishop flogging make smiling. Maybe you come over and spank-spank bishop’s clown nose for happy sauce expulsion? I’m cuddle for puppy lovings”

And that’s all, folks. I might do this more often, cause hot damn it sure is fun.

Diggin' my shit? Well then..