Today, I came across a short advice column in a “family-friendly online news source” where the term “blowjob” was replaced with “making a grilled cheese sandwich”. From the article :
I am a 30 Year old male. I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2.5 years. I would describe everything about her as perfect except for one thing. She absolutely refuses to [make me a grilled cheese sandwich.] Now I want to ask her to marry me, but the thought of going the rest of my life without receiving [grilled cheese sandwiches] is definitely a worry.
Now, thankfully, the advice columnist probes as to why the potential wife wouldn’t want to do it, and whether or not he’s asked her about it in greater detail. The advice ends on the note of, basically, “if it’s important to you — mention it. This could be a dealbreaker, and you should know these things in advance”.
But that got me to thinking.
It’s been pretty much ingrained in me at this point that grilled cheese sandwiches pretty much end with marriage. This could be why I’m 30 and still single – I’m frightened to death of the idea of a life without grilled cheese. That’s not any kind of a life I’d want to live.
Sure, there’s something to be said for finding the right chef to make the perfect grilled cheese — but I’ll take 10 average grilled cheese sandwiches a year from amateur cooks over 1 amazingly-prepared chef’s special grilled cheese that only gets served up once every 5 years.
Most of my life has been spent as a raging nutcase, running about single and uhh…. having grilled cheese sandwiches made for me by a fair number of very kind women (shout-out to all mah grilled cheese cooks!). I reciprocate in kind, most times (when/where applicable) and sometimes I’ve uhh… prepared a kiwi dessert without having received a grilled cheese sandwich in return. This is fine by me. What I don’t understand, honestly, is how any human in the world could go 2.5 years without a single grilled cheese sandwich (or.. kiwi dessert, for that matter). That’s just sadistic and wrong, people. If marriage means a dwindling number of such treats, down to the level of… say NONE a year? Fuck that shit.
I guess what I’m saying is – I really like grilled cheese sandwiches. And, I like making kiwi desserts. So, ya know, if you should get the urge to swap recipes some time, you know how to find me.
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