Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

I read a post on GodsGirls, in the “relationships” forum, that intrigued me (identifying details removed)…

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend since <date removed> that makes it <a lot of> years… Before that I was dating this guy who had some issues and moved out to <another state>. Now I’m having some strong feelings towards him again….should I move out to <another state> or not?

My (shortened version) reply was..

For the love of all things you hold dear – DO NOT do this because you think some fantasy you’ve cooked up in your head is gonna work out for you, or that this guy’s suddenly gonna drop everything and agree with your mindset. People almost never change. They just get better at hiding the shit everyone’s whined to them about changing. Spend a few months with someone you think has changed and there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll see the unchanged-but-lying-to-themselves person rear their ugly head. And then you’ll stop and think “ohhh shit. NOW I remember why we broke up!”

To that end, I posted to Twitter :

your ex didn’t “change after you broke up”, they just got better at hiding what you didn’t like

…and I was RT’d several times. I even got re-posted by friends on Facebook. Apparently, I struck a nerve of truth. That’s always good to know. But, I think I should expound a bit, because it’s a fascinating subject. So, here we go..

I’m Not On My High Horse

I truly, really, am NOT trying to be a hypocrite. And, I’m not just bashing everyone’s exes so we can all get on the “yeah, to HELL with my ex!” train together. Hi, we’re ALL someone’s ex. I’m an ex, too. And, yeah, I’m no fan of my most recent ex.. she can suck 100 cocks in hell for all I give a shit. But, I’m her ex, and the above advice (and subsequent Twitter post) apply even to her.

When I met her, she read through a number of old blog posts of mine, watched my show (Aural Salvation) and paid attention to how I was about life, women, sex and relationships. One blog post in particular, I talked about why I didn’t have a girlfriend. The long-and-short of it at the time was “shit… I don’t even know what I want. It’s unfair to bring someone along for the ride that’s not going anywhere”. Though I wanted to hang onto her when I met her, I didn’t want an actual relationship. So, we had an open relationship for about a year and a half and… fuckitlongstoryblablabla had a closed relationship for the next year and a half. Moving on.

I can even remember her watching an old episode of the show where Nad and I discussed marriage and kids. I thought it was a hilarious episode, but she told me “I can’t watch you talk like that”. What she was taking issue with is that, while I said I wasn’t entirely opposed to marriage, “I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anyone I’d want to put up with for that long”. That’s an honest statement – and, yes, I still feel that way.

She, in her ongoing “woe is me” bullshit mindset, ignored the “I’M NOT SURE” part and instead heard “I’ll never put up with anyone that long”.

Over the years we were together, I had to more and more hide these old statements I made. I couldn’t watch archives of the show around her. I couldn’t mention old blog posts. My standup comedy eventually became devoid of any “so, one time… in bed… THIS happened” jokes.

Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAD changed. That I wasn’t “that guy” anymore. That I no longer had any interest in casual sex, and maybe a married-and-one-day-family life is just what I needed. She and I talked about that at great length, even. So, when these ideas popped up in her head about Mitcz The Philanderer, she increasingly became able to dismiss them.

When we broke up – the first time – I jumped into bed with just about every girl who so much as smiled at me. Oops.

Fast forward to our final breakup, earlier this year, and I moved back here to Hollywood. Literally a few hundred feet from where I lived when she met me. And guess what? I’m right back to how I was. I don’t consider this a flaw – it’s who the fuck I am. And I’m done making apologies for what I love about life and you can go fuck yourself if you want to pass judgment towards me about it. I love my life, and I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

So, Do People Change?

Honestly? The answer is effectively NO.

That’s effectively. To speak from a statistical significance – if 1 out of 23892 people were shitting flowers, it’d still be safe to say “fecal matter smells”. It doesn’t mean ALWAYS, or IN EVERY SITUATION EVER. But, goddamnit… MOST of the time. The test I’ve been using for years is this..

If you’ve run into an old friend, or even an old ex, from YEARS ago and you’re thinking “I wonder if they do still that one thing“. Guess what? Get ‘em good and drunk, give it about 2 hours and you can make a small fortune betting on them doing that one thing over and over again.

Generally speaking, after about 19 years old, people are who they’re going to be for life. Sure, they’ll get smarter about shit (hopefully) and they might knock off a few of their more immature activities – but if they’ve got some personality defect like :

- They think they’re 100% right about everything
- They talk too damned much, and never let anyone finish a sentence
- They have a temper that gets fired like a fuckin’ hair-trigger
- They’re one of those loud, angry drunks
- They love drama and/or creating drama and/or like to whine about shit a lot

….that shit’s probably never going to change. Seriously. And I know every 5 years, you’ll run into them and they’ll make a very impassioned speech about how they used to be, and how they’ve “changed so much”, but run that drunk test on ‘em and you’ll see it. They’ll even get that crazy look in their eyes, the one that immediately transports you back to 5 years prior. They don’t need to be drunk for this test, mind you, but it usually takes a few weeks or months for them to get comfortable enough around you again to let their lying-ass guard down and let the crazy flag fly. Alcohol just speeds up the process.

Full-disclosure : when I was younger, I definitely tried to be right about everything and argued with everyone. I tried to justify every stupid little thing I did and I never apologized or said “you’re right, I’m wrong”. And, I talked a lot. So I was basically just a loud-mouth asshole. These days, I still talk way too much – but I’ve actively worked to change cutting anyone off or not giving anyone “the floor”. Not saying I don’t still probably talk twice as much as anyone else in the room, but it’s an ongoing change where I’m now actively seeking opportunities to just shut the hell up and listen, even asking questions that will lead others to talk at great lengths.

What have I actually changed about myself? Trying to be right all the time. Shit, I’ve been embarrassingly wrong in my life, many many many many times. And while I used to try and defend it – not so much anymore. I even go so far as to start sentences with “I could be wrong, but…” or “Well, as far as I know…” and when I get into a discussion of opinions where one person thinks “we should do this” and I think “no, we should do this”, I immediately try and find a compromise instead of convince them that they should give up their fight and concede to me.

I am by no means a perfect person and would never claim to be. I can say I’m a better person than I was – but that’s my only goal. To better myself and make myself a bit more tolerable to be around. Thing is – change comes from within. And, unless you drop your ego long enough to realize “holy shit… I was SO fucking wrong about that” on your own time, and feel a sense of guilt and shame, all you’ll ever do is hide that shit from people long enough to lure them in. And that, my friend, makes you an asshole.

Conclusion

Chances are, that ex of yours hasn’t changed the very thing that made your relationship fail in the first place. Compounding this is the fact that almost no one is ever 100% honest when they breakup. We all try to be soft about it. And, yeah, we’ll mention faults, but ultimately it ends with “….and I just don’t think it’s actually going anywhere” or “…but I just don’t think it’s gonna work out”. If you were actually honest with the person, they’d fuckin’ kill themselves. No one wants to hear..

“Look, I’ve seen you practically everyday for years now. I’ve lived with you and seen every side of you there is to see. And, frankly, you’re kind of a piece of shit. You’re selfish. You’re messy. You’re hypocritical. You’re needy. You’re judgmental. You make me feel like a lesser person when I LOVE the person I am and now I resent you for turning me against literally my closest friend – ME! Looking at you now feels like I’m staring at an STD. I want to warn the whole world to stay away from your crazy ass, because you’re nothing but hurt, lies, and misery”.

Yes, I wish I’d given that speech, too. But, I had my own bullshit reasons for trying to keep shit civil (not the least of which is that we still lived together and I didn’t wanna get stiffed on rent, or come home to find my shit broken or missing). The smart money, however, says – 10 years from now – she’ll still be selfish, jealous, hypocritical, and vindictive without reason. And, I’ll probably still talk too much (but hopefully, that’ll be even more of my job than it is now).

By comparison – 10 years from now, I’ll still get really excited when I see titties. And I’ll still be thinking “golly.. I’d like to have to sex with that woman” when I pass a hot girl in the street.

So, that ex never found out the real 100% reason you left them, so they’ll never think to change it. And, you might even have forgotten cause it’s some deep-seated shit that would take MONTHS to even uncover. Like, maybe, they have a low self image so they innocently flirt with other people to boost their ego but silently punish you for the same thing by doing minor things they know you hate and pretending they didn’t notice, or they forgot.

Wrapping it all up – don’t dig through your trash and don’t go back to your ex. There’s a maybe 1% chance it’ll work out, and while you’re trying to patch that shit up, you’re ignoring literally a world full of other people you could be with instead.

Diggin' my shit? Well then..