Mitcz.com : Official blog of Rev. Mitcz, the demented devilish comedian from Hollywood, CA.

My friend Des, of the wonderful (and updated way-more-often-than-mine-and-therefore-much-better-than-mine) blog The Boobs had an entry up recently that took on Fashion No-No’s. I have to say, I was pretty shocked to see her mention cargo pants. Frankly, I didn’t think anyone even noticed cargo pants, much less had the time to hate on them. But, alas…

Cargo Pants are only excusable at age 12 when no one else cared that you look like a little prick with too many pockets.

WHAT? Oh no you DI-INT.. that shit ain’t gonna fly here in the Mitczosphere. Cargo pants are the greatest item of clothing ever made. Allow me to present my case.

1. Functionality

I’m more of a function-over-form guy, myself. This might sound at odds with my being an avid user of many Apple products, but that’s another rant for another day (and frankly, I could give a shit what OS you use) – so I’m not altogether concerned with the fashion sense of cargo pants. However, functionally? Oh shit, man. These fuckers have function in spades.

To wit, here’s what Mix Master Mitcz rocks on the daily in the cargos…

Yeah, that’s right bitches. I carry a digital video camera, a digital still camera, 2 packs of smokes, 2 condoms, my iPhone, my gate opener, a stack of business cards, my wallet, zippo, mints, a pen and (not shown) little scraps of paper for making notes. Occasionally, I’ll even find it necessary to toss in things like a USB cord or iPhone charger in case I plan to be away all night.

You gonna toss all that shit in your skin-tight chinos? Psh. Good luck, pussy.

2. They’re Flexible

I don’t mean literally flexible – although they’re definitely roomy in that sense – but I mean you can work a pair cargos for just about any occasion. Need to toss on a quick pair of pants to run to the store? Done! Need something that goes with a button-up shirt but doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard? Done! Wanna rock the punk look for a night? Voila! Going camping? Fuck yeah, cargos are your buddy.

Hell, I even rock cargos with a 3-piece suit. And I’ll bet no one even noticed…

3. They’re Ambiguous

Are you all about military wear? Cargos, baby. A camping-bound hippy? Cargos. Punk? Cargos. Goth? Fuckin’ cargos. Regular dude just lookin’ for some extra space for all your shit, but you don’t wanna carry around a man-purse? Sing it with me in your best baritone… “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgos!”. Whereas so many styles are adopted by fringe groups or stereotypes – cargos don’t actually say anything about a person. I like that. It’s why I drive 4-door sedans – it says nothing about me other than “I have a car with room for 4″. With all my crazy ways, I’d hate to have yet another incidental affectation.

Because cargos aren’t particularly “hip”, and have never been the “it” fashion, they’re not susceptible to fads or over-usage. They’re timeless like that. I’ve been wearing cargos for about 17 years now and, outside of the occasional pair of dress slacks for weddings and funerals, I have no need for any other lower-half apparel. Why would I?

4. They’re Rugged

When I was in middle school, the “cool” thing to wear on your lower-half were those Z. Cavaricci pants. I think those became the reason I not only still shy away from brand-name clothing, but what probably made my mom swear off ever buying anything brand-name for me. I had ONE pair of Z Cavariccis and I ripped them in half at the end of the first day I wore them. How? I ran across the street. That’s it. I ran, they ripped. And just kept on ripping. That’s some pretty lousy shit for pants that cost $75 (in 1992 dollars). Many years later, I saw a pair of Z’s in a used clothing shop in Seattle and picked them up for like $5. Sure enough, they lasted 2 days before they ripped to shreds. Fuck that.

On the other hand, I buy my cargos at the surplus store across the street (Hollywood Blvd has a lot of fringe shops like that) and these fuckers can take an axe before they even scuff. Not too shabby for $35/pair, I say.

5. They’re Erection-proof

That’s right fellas – pretend all you want that you don’t even think about this shit when you’re buying pants, but I do. I pitch tents if the wind is right. When I wear dress pants, I’m tempted to keep a suspender strap on my leg in case I need to tie that sucker down. Erection + Dress Slacks = NAGL. But in cargos? Shit, I could be within titty-groping distance from a 5-girl orgy and stand up straight, tall and proud with no one the wiser.

For all you know, I’m hard the entire time I’m onstage (and don’t think I didn’t catch you scrolling up to double-check).

Fuck yeah, cargo pants.

You can have your cutting-edge fashions and your skin-tight girly pants (I’m looking at you, ironic male hipsters). Meanwhile, I’ll be rockin’ my cargos. Like nature intended.

UPDATE : As a special gift to you, I present Bud Light’s “Real American Heroes” commercial for Mr. Cargo Pants Designer – I sure as fuck salute that guy.

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