Mitcz.com » Humorous

A Rough Translation of A Snow Patrol Song

Rev. Mitcz — Tue, 18 May 2010 20:59:13 +0000

I was hit with a hair-brained theory about why so many dudes (myself included) will continually be absentee lovers, dismissive, perhaps even outright unfaithful and then pretend we “didn’t mean it” or make up some lame excuse and try to proclaim “but… baby! I LOVE YOU!”. I don’t purport to be above that level – I’ve never been the model of good decision making and undying love as a boyfriend. Instead of “fixing” that, I just stay single. This way, I’m only hurting strangers, right?

Anyway, so there’s this really great Snow Patrol song Make This Go On Forever, and I became curious about who/what the situation was that he was writing about. Googling around, I found all these attempts at heart-wrenching stories from dudes who claim “ohh.. I can SO relate”. If you actually read the lyrics, though, you’ve gotta be a real asshole to go around acting like you’re the one who’s suffering.

I think we all fashion ourselves to be hopeless romantics, and artists with dirty souls, just wandering around looking for “the one who REALLY ‘gets’ me, ya know?”. This is an amusing delusion. And I come armed with an example! A translation of Make This Go On Forever..

Please don’t let this turn into something it’s not

You’re freakin’ out over nothin’ here, toots. Are you on your period?

I can only give you everything I’ve got

You’re asking for too much from me, here. What, like, you’re perfect?

I can’t be as sorry as you think I should

I can’t be as sorry as you think I should

But I still love you more than anyone else could

You better hang onto me, cause… you know that weird thing you do w/your toes when we’re fucking? Yeah, other dudes would dump your ass in a heartbeat. Just keep that in mind here.

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right

I mean, really, how many times do I have to apologize? I’m, like, real sorry. See?

This splintered mast I’m holding on won’t save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

I’m an artist. Look at me! Arty and shit! Did I mention I was sorry?

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could

Woe is me. I’ll never love again. You’re, like, the ONLY one for me!

First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything

Remember when we first kissed? That shit was hot. Can we drop all this and… y’know, get back to THAT?

The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned

You’re so wise, baby. Teach me your ways. So I can ignore them next time I fuck up.

The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

What did you mean by “Is THIS how you treat someone you supposedly LOVE?” – cause all I heard was “love”, and I’m still kinda confused why you walked away after that.

We have got through so much worse than this before
What’s so different this time that you can’t ignore

Remember last month, when one of those girls I was having a threesome with (while you were out of town) squirted onto that teddy bear you’ve had since you were a kid? Ohboy, were you pissed. But… hey! We got past that, right? So, this shouldn’t be that different. That’s our dynamic. I fuck up – you forgive me cause I wrote you songs about it, then we fuck.

You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

You’re just sayin’ that cause you wanna fuck other dudes, right? Is that what this is about?

And I don’t know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

I’ll just be over here… crying to myself. Being REAL sorry. Not like last time. I really mean it this time. I’m, like, in the darkness and shit. Can’t you feel my pain?!? I’m a tortured soul!

5 Reasons To Love Cargo Pants

Rev. Mitcz — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 05:01:28 +0000

My friend Des, of the wonderful (and updated way-more-often-than-mine-and-therefore-much-better-than-mine) blog The Boobs had an entry up recently that took on Fashion No-No’s. I have to say, I was pretty shocked to see her mention cargo pants. Frankly, I didn’t think anyone even noticed cargo pants, much less had the time to hate on them. But, alas…

Cargo Pants are only excusable at age 12 when no one else cared that you look like a little prick with too many pockets.

WHAT? Oh no you DI-INT.. that shit ain’t gonna fly here in the Mitczosphere. Cargo pants are the greatest item of clothing ever made. Allow me to present my case.

1. Functionality

I’m more of a function-over-form guy, myself. This might sound at odds with my being an avid user of many Apple products, but that’s another rant for another day (and frankly, I could give a shit what OS you use) – so I’m not altogether concerned with the fashion sense of cargo pants. However, functionally? Oh shit, man. These fuckers have function in spades.

To wit, here’s what Mix Master Mitcz rocks on the daily in the cargos…

Yeah, that’s right bitches. I carry a digital video camera, a digital still camera, 2 packs of smokes, 2 condoms, my iPhone, my gate opener, a stack of business cards, my wallet, zippo, mints, a pen and (not shown) little scraps of paper for making notes. Occasionally, I’ll even find it necessary to toss in things like a USB cord or iPhone charger in case I plan to be away all night.

You gonna toss all that shit in your skin-tight chinos? Psh. Good luck, pussy.

2. They’re Flexible

I don’t mean literally flexible – although they’re definitely roomy in that sense – but I mean you can work a pair cargos for just about any occasion. Need to toss on a quick pair of pants to run to the store? Done! Need something that goes with a button-up shirt but doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard? Done! Wanna rock the punk look for a night? Voila! Going camping? Fuck yeah, cargos are your buddy.

Hell, I even rock cargos with a 3-piece suit. And I’ll bet no one even noticed…

3. They’re Ambiguous

Are you all about military wear? Cargos, baby. A camping-bound hippy? Cargos. Punk? Cargos. Goth? Fuckin’ cargos. Regular dude just lookin’ for some extra space for all your shit, but you don’t wanna carry around a man-purse? Sing it with me in your best baritone… “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgos!”. Whereas so many styles are adopted by fringe groups or stereotypes – cargos don’t actually say anything about a person. I like that. It’s why I drive 4-door sedans – it says nothing about me other than “I have a car with room for 4″. With all my crazy ways, I’d hate to have yet another incidental affectation.

Because cargos aren’t particularly “hip”, and have never been the “it” fashion, they’re not susceptible to fads or over-usage. They’re timeless like that. I’ve been wearing cargos for about 17 years now and, outside of the occasional pair of dress slacks for weddings and funerals, I have no need for any other lower-half apparel. Why would I?

4. They’re Rugged

When I was in middle school, the “cool” thing to wear on your lower-half were those Z. Cavaricci pants. I think those became the reason I not only still shy away from brand-name clothing, but what probably made my mom swear off ever buying anything brand-name for me. I had ONE pair of Z Cavariccis and I ripped them in half at the end of the first day I wore them. How? I ran across the street. That’s it. I ran, they ripped. And just kept on ripping. That’s some pretty lousy shit for pants that cost $75 (in 1992 dollars). Many years later, I saw a pair of Z’s in a used clothing shop in Seattle and picked them up for like $5. Sure enough, they lasted 2 days before they ripped to shreds. Fuck that.

On the other hand, I buy my cargos at the surplus store across the street (Hollywood Blvd has a lot of fringe shops like that) and these fuckers can take an axe before they even scuff. Not too shabby for $35/pair, I say.

5. They’re Erection-proof

That’s right fellas – pretend all you want that you don’t even think about this shit when you’re buying pants, but I do. I pitch tents if the wind is right. When I wear dress pants, I’m tempted to keep a suspender strap on my leg in case I need to tie that sucker down. Erection + Dress Slacks = NAGL. But in cargos? Shit, I could be within titty-groping distance from a 5-girl orgy and stand up straight, tall and proud with no one the wiser.

For all you know, I’m hard the entire time I’m onstage (and don’t think I didn’t catch you scrolling up to double-check).

Fuck yeah, cargo pants.

You can have your cutting-edge fashions and your skin-tight girly pants (I’m looking at you, ironic male hipsters). Meanwhile, I’ll be rockin’ my cargos. Like nature intended.

UPDATE : As a special gift to you, I present Bud Light’s “Real American Heroes” commercial for Mr. Cargo Pants Designer – I sure as fuck salute that guy.

Have A Free VDay Card

Rev. Mitcz — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:37:01 +0000

I forgot I made this years ago, and never ended up printing or using it. I found it the other day while clearing out old files and thought “I need to post this around V-Day”. So, here ya go kids. Feel free to print it up and do whatever.

(if you’re offended by this : you’re hyper-sensitive, probably an idiot, and you’re reading the wrong blog)

The Perfect Message to Online Daters

Rev. Mitcz — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 06:37:44 +0000

I was reading through OKCupid’s fascinating number-crunching blog “OKTrends” and stumbled upon an entry about success rates for wording in messages. If you have 5 minutes to spare, give it a read.

Nonetheless, here’s a quick breakdown of Do’s and Don’ts.

Do Not…

Use netspeak/slang. (words like “ur”, “u”, “luv”) or bad spelling (“wut”, “realy”, “cant”)
Use physical compliments (“you’re sexy”, “beautiful”, “hey cutie”, etc)
Mention using outside services to get to know them (email, AIM, yahoo, cellphone, etc)
Mention god. Unsurprisingly (to me, at least), Jesus and God decrease reply rates even amongst other religious terms.

Do…

Be humble, especially for men. Surprisingly “sorry”, “awkward” and “apologize” all had high success rates.
Mention something in their ad. The phrase “you mention..” had the highest rate of any term
Mention a common interest. It appears common taste in a specific band is your best bet.
Compliment something non-physical. Phrases like “it’s cool that..”, “fascinating” and “awesome” did very well
Use “how’s it going”, “what’s up”, or even “howdy” (my fave). “hi”, “hello” and “hey” achieved very low success rates.
Mention atheism. Oddly enough, it got a success rate almost on-par with musical tastes. No other religion fares well, though.

The Perfect Message*

Putting all that data (hooray science and math!) into a human-readable form means that the following form letter should yield you the highest possible success rate for messaging another user on a dating site. The keywords/phrases from the OkTrends article in bold, insert your own variables between {brackets}

How’s it going? Cool profile. I noticed that you’re a fan of {band}, aren’t they awesome? Have you heard {obscure older album by that band, or one similar}? It’s amazing. Also, You mention {random topic}, so I’m curious what you think of {similar topic}. Sorry if these questions seem awkward, but I’m pretty sure you’d have some fascinating responses, being a fellow {atheist, vegetarian, metalhead, gamer} with good taste.

Hope you’re doing well, and maybe we’ll talk soon.

There ya go, kids. It’s like having an aggregating math robot do all your small-talk for you! Have fun with that and let me know if it works.

Theoretically, if the robots are to be believed, this hits all the right chords. I’d feel cheesy sending out this message, too, but it’s worth a shot

I Meme’d Myself

Rev. Mitcz — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:24:43 +0000

Thought I’d have some fun with the flyer I made earlier (for my birthday gig). So, here’s a little meme I’m working on that I’ll add to as time goes on. Enjoy.

How’s About some MITCZ, LIVE ON YOUR COMPUTER?!? (again)

Rev. Mitcz — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:53:16 +0000

Don’t get too excited, it’s not the return of Aural Salvation but in some ways it might be better.

I have a new application on my phone that lets me stream LIVE video all over the world at the push of a button. I’ve run some tests, and it works great. The quality could be better, but c’mon.. it’s like having a TV broadcast tower in my damned pocket.

So, I’ve decided I’m gonna try something all-new for my next gig (this Thursday, Aug 20th) – I’ll be streaming my entire performance LIVE.

You’ll get a few mins of pre-show, maybe just me watching other comics. Maybe just me having a pre-show drink and smoke. Who knows. I’m playing it by ear. Then, I’ll do my full performance, and … who knows what happens afterwards.

Oh, and did I mention you can also CHAT, LIVE (I have to put LIVE in all caps, cause it’s that important) with EVERYONE ELSE who’s also watching?

I know what you’re thinking…
“Hot damn, Mitcz. That sounds great! What’s it gonna cost me? How do I get in on this sweet LIVE Mitcz action?”

For one – it’s 100% FREE. No plugins to download. No bullshit registration crap. Nada. Just hop on and watch.

HOW TO GET IN ON THAT SWEET LIVE MITCZ ACTION..

You’ve got two options here :

1. If you’re on Twitter, you can follow me and you’ll see my Twitter update the second I’m streaming live.

2. You could just go directly to http://qik.com/revmitcz between 10pm – 11pm PST (“California time”) and wait for the live stream to kick on.

I don’t know when I’ll be taking the stage, I only know the show runs from about 10pm until about 11pm (or so). It won’t be a very long set (weekday shows are generally “practice time”), but.. I figured I’d give this a shot and see what happens.

Mkay. See ya then? (err.. you’ll see me … fuck it. you get the idea)

Mitcz on your shirt – yes or no?

Rev. Mitcz — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 10:31:05 +0000

Now that I’ve rolled out my new logo, I feel it’s about time I finally made some Mitcz Merch (err… “Mitcz Mercz”). I’m faced with a number of dilemmas, however, and that’s why I’m asking for your help.

First and foremost, here’s a basic idea for how the shirts might look (a few different styles/colors cause nothing’s finalized yet)

And a close-up of one of the designs :

Now for the initial dilemma : would anyone buy one? To that end, I’ve setup a poll here on the site, and you can vote right now :

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

The next dilemma (and, yes, I encourage honest commentary on this) is that there’s two routes I could go. Zazzle or Self-Produced. They each have their ups and their downs. Here’s the basic breakdown :

Zazzle

Benefits :
- I can make almost unlimited designs, and never have to be to stuck with designs that won’t sell
- I can update/change/add designs as I deem necessary
- I don’t have to worry about billing, shipping, taxes, etc.
- You’re buying from a trusted 3rd party and not some fucked-up comedian

Detractions :
- Way more expensive for the end-user (that’s you)
- I don’t make as much money per sale as I would doing it myself
- I don’t yet know the quality of the material used for the shirts
- I feel like a schmuck using a 3rd party “anyone can make a shirt through us” service

Self-Produced

Benefits :
- Way less expensive for the end-user (again, that’s you)
- Higher profit margin for me
- I would be using materials / shirts that I know are of high-quality
- The printing would be higher quality as well
- I don’t feel like a schmuck, cause it’s the fancy way to go

Detractions :
- Since I’d have to buy in bulk, ahead of time, I’m limited to which designs I could use
- I’d have to figure out billing, shipping, taxes on my own (though using PayPal for payments would ease 2/3 of those)
- Once they’re printed, that’s it. No changes can be made, and if they don’t sell… I’m stuck with bad product I can’t unload.

One final dilemma (especially worrying if I go the self-produced route) is.. what look/text should I go with? I want these to be jarring, but funny — like me! Here, then, are a few ideas I’ve kicked around. An asterisk ( * ) means I feel really good about the tagline, and an arrow ( -> ) means a new line (for multi-line taglines beneath the logo).

UNISEX :

- keep comedy evil* (this is sort of my “thing”, so if I only made one tagline, this would be it)
- fuck safe* (i like this one because it’s slightly ambiguous. it really means “to hell with ’safe’ comedy and being PC”, but some people might think it’s a reminder to use condoms.. which I also support)
- mitcz is my -> new satan.
- purveyor of -> quality dick jokes.*
- catnip : cats -> cocaine : strippers
- don’t be so suburban

MALE :

- let’s get gay.
- i love my dick so much -> i bought it jewelry*
- not dating material*

FEMALE :

- mitcz can -> fist my cunt*
- i will punch you -> in the cunt*
- women are the devil -> and you love it.*
- staring at these -> will alter your decisions.*
- heh. titties.
- heh. pussy.
- what’s a hot, large-breasted -> sexually-adventurous -> young woman to do?

Please vote in the poll above, and if you have an extra moment, shoot off a comment (or email me) to let me know which designs/taglines you’d actually wear. (example : “I’d buy and wear the white logo on a black shirt, with the tagline “keep comedy evil”).

Thank you for your time.

A Tour of Casa De Mitcz

Rev. Mitcz — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 18:02:36 +0000

Ever been curious what kind of ridiculous shit I have in my apartment? For some reason, quite a few people have asked me about that in recent times, so.. I made this video. It could be incredibly boring, but maybe not. You be the judge.

Back on top.

Rev. Mitcz — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:33:29 +0000

“I still got it. I can still do this.” That’s what I told myself as I walked off-stage last night. It was an incredible feeling. I didn’t feel so hot about the gig prior to that, which I chalked up to all the shit I had on my mind, weighing me down. I hoped that was what held me back.

It’s a funny thing, my fickle ego. After a great set, I feel refreshed and on top of it all. After a bad set, I feel like I don’t belong on stage. Like maybe I’m just funny enough for people to not completely hate my act, but…. certainly not funny enough to justify carrying on. I never wanted to be one of those people who forces themselves on people and keeps doing something that I really have no business doing. I thought I was alone in this regard, but I listened to an interview with Louis CK recently, where he said that he always feels that way. Until very recently, he wasn’t sure he was cut out for comedy. If you know anything of his material, you’ll understand how ridiculous that sounds coming from someone as accomplished and talented as him. But, it felt good to know I wasn’t alone in that self-doubt.

Here’s the gig :

I credit a huge amount of what came out of me last night on being actually prepared. I used to rehearse all my sets for hours before any show I did. I would run through the act over and over again, keep a timer running, and record it on camera. Sit and watch to see if I forgot anything. Compare facial expressions. Intonations. Word selections. In my last apartment, I had stopped doing that. I guess I wasn’t comfortable there. Now, here in my own place back in Hollywood – I’ve never been more comfortable. This is my place. My world. My “art loft” in a way. And I love it.

The audience seemed fickle last night. One comic would kill, the next would bomb. On and off, on and off. Not as formulaic and predictable as it sounds, though. Comics I’ve seen tear a room up were struggling, and some comics that normally struggled were doing fine. It was very weird.

Just before I went up, I decided to make a minor edit to how I presented my opening necrophilia/baby rape joke. Instead of starting with “Anyone here ever fucked a corpse?” – I wanted to focus on the joke as if it were a problem we’ve ALL had. So, I opened with “We gotta talk, y’all”. To hear as big of laughs as I did after I said “anyone ever tried fuckin’ a corpse?” – I thought to myself “okay, I’ve got ‘em”. No one really laughs at that joke. It’s not particularly meant to be hilarious – just jarring. Grabs your attention. That I got huge laughs out of it told me I was gonna be fine.

From there… it just flowed. I didn’t forget anything, I didn’t leave out important bits. I didn’t struggle to remember any jokes. I even had to pause for longer than usual just so I wouldn’t get drowned out by the laughs. It was insane, and exhilarating. It was also the first time seemingly every comic in the room came up to me and said “dude! incredible!” Several audience members shook my hand or paid compliments just as I walking through the room. Even one of the bartenders took a solid minute out of his time to say he’d seen me perform a number of times and “tonight.. was just incredible. You’ve got it, man. You found your voice, and you fuckin’ worked it.” Sean would later verify that he saw that bartender stop dead in his tracks cause he was laughing too hard to deliver the drinks he was carrying. I wouldn’t have believed it when the bartender told me, but Sean told me the same thing quite out of the blue.

All in all – I felt amazing last night and I still feel it today. Most importantly – I feel I can go on. I don’t feel like a faker, a poser. I’m ready.

Grilled Cheese

Rev. Mitcz — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 04:52:45 +0000

Today, I came across a short advice column in a “family-friendly online news source” where the term “blowjob” was replaced with “making a grilled cheese sandwich”. From the article :

I am a 30 Year old male. I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2.5 years. I would describe everything about her as perfect except for one thing. She absolutely refuses to [make me a grilled cheese sandwich.] Now I want to ask her to marry me, but the thought of going the rest of my life without receiving [grilled cheese sandwiches] is definitely a worry.

Now, thankfully, the advice columnist probes as to why the potential wife wouldn’t want to do it, and whether or not he’s asked her about it in greater detail. The advice ends on the note of, basically, “if it’s important to you — mention it. This could be a dealbreaker, and you should know these things in advance”.

But that got me to thinking.

It’s been pretty much ingrained in me at this point that grilled cheese sandwiches pretty much end with marriage. This could be why I’m 30 and still single – I’m frightened to death of the idea of a life without grilled cheese. That’s not any kind of a life I’d want to live.

Sure, there’s something to be said for finding the right chef to make the perfect grilled cheese — but I’ll take 10 average grilled cheese sandwiches a year from amateur cooks over 1 amazingly-prepared chef’s special grilled cheese that only gets served up once every 5 years.

Most of my life has been spent as a raging nutcase, running about single and uhh…. having grilled cheese sandwiches made for me by a fair number of very kind women (shout-out to all mah grilled cheese cooks!). I reciprocate in kind, most times (when/where applicable) and sometimes I’ve uhh… prepared a kiwi dessert without having received a grilled cheese sandwich in return. This is fine by me. What I don’t understand, honestly, is how any human in the world could go 2.5 years without a single grilled cheese sandwich (or.. kiwi dessert, for that matter). That’s just sadistic and wrong, people. If marriage means a dwindling number of such treats, down to the level of… say NONE a year? Fuck that shit.

I guess what I’m saying is – I really like grilled cheese sandwiches. And, I like making kiwi desserts. So, ya know, if you should get the urge to swap recipes some time, you know how to find me.

Dispatches of “Truth” pt 1

Rev. Mitcz — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:37:17 +0000

(this is the first part of a series of posts I plan to do about the interesting nuggets of wisdom I receive in my Truth Box)

A few months ago, I installed the “Truth Box” app on my MySpace page, just to see what happened. For the most part, I get a horde of misspelled proclamations of lust and sexual desires. While flattering – I have a girlfriend (Misi) whom I love very much, so I’m afraid your desire to “suk” my “cokk” will go unrequited. About 1 out of 30 “truths” is a horribly misspelled and grammatically incorrect proclamation that I’m “a fag”, “a homo”, or most recently “a skinhead”.

Today, I’d like to focus on perhaps the most idiotic hate-filled message I’ve ever seen posted to my Truth Box.

Hey skinhead wannabe faggot
black power mutha fucker
racist im going to kill ur family homo
just cause i hate fags like urself

At first glance, I’m mostly just amused that it’s written in a 4-line stanza. Like an ignorant, hate-filled, grammatically incoherent, misspelled poem written just for me. *sniffles* I’m so touched. As a piece of modern poetry, it’s only fair that I review the work line-by-line.

Hey skinhead wannabe faggot

Skinhead wannabe? As in… I want to be a skinhead, but I’m not? If you mean “skinhead” in the sense that (in my most recent profile photo) I have no hair – sure, I guess I’m a skinhead. Did I want to have no hair for that picture? Yes. But, I achieved that wholly improbable milestone, cause I’m amazing. And I have a pair of clippers. Now, if you mean “skinhead” in the sense that I’m a Neo-Nazi, then you’re very much wrong. Moreover, Neo-Nazis share your hatred of homosexuals, so wouldn’t I, too, also hate “faggots” and therefore couldn’t actually be one? Your logic is dizzying.

black power mutha fucker

Ohh… now I’m black power? As a white guy? This term “black power” – I do not think it means what you think it means. And, yes, I’ve fucked a few mothers in my time. Little tip for the undersexed males out there : find yourself a chick w/a kid. She’ll rock your world. She’s too busy with raising kids to fuck around with power games or teasing foreplay. They’ll just whip it out and grind away on you with the voracity of, say, a hungry leopard in the winter. It’s quite nice.

racist im going to kill ur family homo

This part is especially confusing. With no punctuation, hyphens, or proper spelling, I’m at an impasse. Am I a “racist ‘im going to kill your family’ homo”? That would imply that I was not only partial to members of my own gender, but that I spout rhetoric at near-constant intervals that exhibit veiled threats on people’s families. To my knowledge, I’ve never made a public statement about killing anyone’s family. So, it’s certainly not a phrase I would say regularly enough to have it tacked-on to my personality as though it were a nickname (example “Hi, I’m Sarah worthless-shitbag-cunt Palin!”).

But perhaps this anonymous tipster is making threats to me and MY family. If that’s the case, I can see why they did so anonymously, as that’s a pretty serious legal infraction. On a logistical note, I hope you’ve saved up your frequent flyer miles as you travel to Colorado (for my step-family, since you missed taking out my mother almost 2 months ago), Northern California, Southern California, Texas, Louisiana, New York and Mississippi. If you managed to make it out to Texas or Mississippi to take out my family, I weep for you. Though you’d likely die of boredom in either place, the family I have in those two places would snap your neck like a twig. And they’re all gun nuts. One of them has no fewer than 2 shotguns in every closet in the home. So, hey! Good luck, buddy!

I’d also like to take issue with being called a racist, a skinhead, and a “black power mutha fucker”. If I were racist against blacks, I couldn’t be “black power”. If I were racist against whites, I’d not only have already offed my own family, but I wouldn’t very well be able to hold a neo-nazi skinhead position. Oh, and if you’re going to drop “er” in favor of “a” in “mutha”, you should follow through with “fucka”. Mixing and matching your slang is just sloppy and shows a lack of effort on your part. Something I feel I deserve, because clearly I’m a shapeshifting god, playing all sides, in your eyes.

just cause i hate fags like urself

And now we bring it all back again. I’m a “fag”. I’m not sure how one assumes the role of “urself”, but maybe your Y and O keys decided to act up while you were typing that. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us when we’re jerking off to images of prepubescent boys wearing American Flags as cock-socks while being anally violated by their fathers and uncles. And by “the best of us”, I really just mean moronic fuckheads like yourself. *phew* good thing my Y and O keys were still working there. Oh, that’s right.. cause I don’t jerk off to little boys. My bad.

In closing, I’d like to thank you for composing a love-poem to me. You must be enamored with my awesomeness. It’s okay. It happens. Just.. ya know, try not to tell your billy boys that you compose anonymous love letters to another man. They might go fag-bashing on you. And that’s just not nice.

Until next time… speak the truth, people!

UPDATE :
A friend of mine suggested that perhaps this person was spouting “black power, motha fucka”, instead of claiming I was black power. I had assumed they were calling me black power, because of a recent performance where I lambasted scared white people, and expressed my disdain for neo-nazis and the KKK. If I’m being called racist against black people – I suggest a second look at the performance I just linked. I think that’ll clear up the confusion.

VIDEO : Rev. Mitcz @ Shooters (30 MINS!)

Rev. Mitcz — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 22:07:10 +0000

So, I set a new personal record for longest comedy performance on Thursday night at Shooters. 30 fuckin’ minutes. I’d only written about 5 mins of new material, and TK said “you can do like 15 minutes. If you’re killing, I’ll let you keep going”. At around 21 minutes, I’d run out of the material that was immediately on the top of my head, and TK yelled from off-stage “you’re good, man. keep goin’!”. So, I launched into a newer bit that probably was a little rustier than it should’ve been. In hindsight, maybe I should’ve used the piercings/tattoos material. Ah well.

I’d like to record a comedy EP sometime in December, and while I was worried I wouldn’t be able to fill the time, I know now that I could. Of course, I’ll need to polish up a lot if I’m gonna be selling off copies of the set.

At any rate, here’s the video (available at Vimeo) :

Rev. Mitcz @ Shooters (Oct 16th) from Mitcz Marzoni on Vimeo.

Hi, I’m a jackass. Er.. geek. Designer geek.

Rev. Mitcz — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:19:37 +0000

So, I had a spare hour or two tonight and decided it was time to refresh the look of my system a bit. I made a quick new desktop, then I went crazy on making some icon replacements.

Here’s a quick shot of those..

So, now when I’m switching applications under normal usage, I have two icons with ME on them. And in my dock, there’s 3 (since I put an alias to my website files in the dock too).

I don’t know why I’m putting my geektasticness on blast, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.

cause, really, if there’s anything geekier than making custom icons that resemble the originals, but incorporate your own image, it’s blogging about it when you’re done

VIDEO : Rev. Mitcz’s 2nd Performance @ Aura Nightclub

Rev. Mitcz — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:48:44 +0000

So, last night I went back for a 2nd performance at the Aura Nightclub. I still love that club. Though, last night had a bit of a weird vibe. Seemed some of the comedians thought so too.

First, I’ll place the video, then I’ll give you my “behind the scenes” shit..

Rev. Mitcz Live @ Aura Nightclub (Sept 27th) from Mitcz Marzoni on Vimeo.

I was nervous about this gig. I don’t normally get nervous. Quite the opposite, really. I sometimes wonder if I was born without stagefright. Last night’s nervousness wasn’t about stagefright – it was about the material.

Originally, I’d completely rewritten my “gay marriage” material from scratch. Turned it into this 5-6 minute speech, littered with some pretty angry remarks about the Bush administration, and right-wingers in general. It may have gone over pretty well, but it still needs a little touching up.

Coming back from my mother’s memorial service at about 5am Weds morning, I didn’t have much time to work on new material. Add in that I had a 10-hour day of background acting on Friday, I was left with even less time. All I really knew was that I wanted to wrap the whole set into one central idea, just to see if it would work. The central idea that night being, basically : throughout history, there have been many amazing people who have accomplished so much and changed the world using little more than the power of thought. Here I am, using the same tools – and all I can do is tell dick jokes for 10 minutes.

I’m not sure if that theme really came through in the set, but it was my first attempt at wrapping my entire set into a cohesive whole – so I’ll take what I can get for now.

I’ve been thinking I should open up a little more in my comedy, and use it as a chance to get some shit off my chest. The heaviest thing on my mind right now being, of course, the recent death of my mother. How do I talk about it, and make it funny? The same way I have been when I’m talking to my friends – I focus on the awkwardness of people’s reactions to the news, and to my nonchalant manner of discussing it. Getting over a thing like that – once upon a time it was my biggest fear – takes coming to grips with the reality, and taking it out of the realm of mystical and chalking it up to another of life’s little events that really throws you off-course.

My mother passed away 15 minutes into Monday, Sept 15th, and Monday night I walked up onstage at the Howl at the Moon club and threw down some comedy. That Friday was my first Aura Nightclub gig with Rebels of Comedy. So, it’s not like I couldn’t perform under the pressure. I wanted my mom to “be there”, however, and now that I’ve got a portion of my mom’s ashes in a vial here in my room – I decided to put a small sprinkle in some kind of locket. Thankfully, there’s an arts-and-crafts store across the street that had a little heart locket. My sister and I will eventually get REAL keepsake necklaces, and I’ll have one that isn’t so… feminine.

When I was rehearsing last night’s material, every time I got to the part where I say “My mother just died. Less than 2 weeks ago”, I’d follow it up with “…and it’s tough, cause she means the world to me” and I’d end up with a lump in my throat, and sometimes I’d end up crying. By the time I got to Aura, I was so nervous that I’d let out that line and break down onstage, I almost didn’t wanna go up. I also had about 12 people showing up just to see me, including friends-of-friends who were arriving with friends-of-friends who saw me last time and sang my praises to pull in more people. I appreciated their presence, no two ways about it. But, it was a bit more pressure than I could handle at the time.

Ultimately, I got through the line just fine – and decided at the last moment to drop the part about how much she meant (cause, really, that would go without saying and it doesn’t add anything to the performance). I also decided to alter using the word “gay” to describe my locket, and instead say “faggoty” and make a joke about why i made that decision. I think that was the biggest laugh I got all night. About a minute after getting past the part that had plagued my conscience all day (“my mother died…”), my premature self-celebration made the little screen inside my head go blank and I completely forgot my set.

A little pick-me-up from my friend Vodka/Cranberry helped kickstart the gears again and got me moving along. You’ll probably notice in the video that I stumble around a bit, and I’m a bit more drunk than I should have been. But, hell… I made it through the set and I’m ready to fight another day.

Upcoming Gigs..

I’m excited about next month..

Thursday, October 16th @ Shooters // 8:30pm.

NO Cover. NO drink minimum. 18 and over. FREE Parking. And it’ll be intimate – only 4 comics. I’ll be doing about 20 MINUTES that night.

Sunday, October 26th @ Hollywood Improv // 9:00pm

My BIRTHDAY show (well, 3 days before my birthday) – the LAST show I’ll do before I turn the big 3-0. $14 Cover. FREE Parking. Great food, great night. AMAZING venue (world-famous, g’damnit). Make sure to get there EARLY! There’s often a line out the door by the time 9pm rolls around, so you should try and get there before 8:30pm at the latest.

Their Vote = Your Vote

Rev. Mitcz — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 04:10:43 +0000

Am I the only one who thinks the voting privilege should be extended to anyone over the age of 8 years old as long as they can prove they understand WTF is going on?

It upsets me that MY vote holds the same strength and meaning as, say, a Klan member’s vote.

Need an example? Glad you asked.. (with a hat tip to my buddy Ed Dirt / Matt

Yeah, those three slack-jawed yokels? They have, combined, 3x the voting power you do.

*singing*
Aaaamericaaa……….
Aaaamericaaa……….
God shed his grace on theeeeeee

—————–

Now that I’ve got your attention, I’d like to point out that I’m “DOING IT LIVE!” tomorrow night. Here’s the specs, y’all :

Aura Nightclub (12215 Ventura Boulevard Suite 209 . Studio City, CA 91604 )
Show starts between 7:30pm and 8:00pm (it’s best you get there around 7:30pm)
Cover price is $10
FREE parking, mothafucka.

It’ll be a good night. I promise. TK knows how to put on a comedy show, g’damnit.