What I love about stories of hypocrisy from hate-mongers, gay-bashers, cross-bearers and the general stench of their associated ilk is just how fucking obvious the whole thing is. Every time another of these scandals pops up, “thou dost protest too much” rings like a church bell through the nation. I hope it continues on. In droves. Just an overwhelming outing of every hair-brained shitcock who stands at the ready of a podium, shouting hateful jargon and belittling innocent people for their lifestyles. That’s what I want.

If this trend continues, it goes towards the most glorious of paths : simply being hateful will come to mean you secretly love it in your private life. Maybe the fight against intolerance has been building up to this all along. Instead of extolling the humanizing virtues of a repressed class, you can instead point to all the people who have stood up to proclaim an ignorant and hateful diatribe against them. After all, if you identify yourself with a person whose beliefs underline your own – only to find out that said person was lying their fucking ass off to hide their “shameful” love and belied the agenda they pushed – won’t you question your own beliefs as well?

Even on a lesser scale, maybe the paranoia that the public will undoubtedly link you with that which you’re rallying against will be such an embarrassment that you dare not say it aloud.

And that’s a beautiful fucking thing.

The Double-Edged Sword of Gay As A Choice

I’ve said this before, though maybe only onstage. If you’re arguing that one’s sexuality is a choice, and a conscious, binary decision of “gay or not gay”, then you have to face the repercussions of exactly what that means. You are saying, in essence, that the only thing differentiating one person from another is a simple flip of a switch. Taking it further – that means you, yourself, sat down in the dark recesses of your mind and thought – if only for a few fleeting moments – about hardcore gay sex that involved you. For just that fleeting moment, you were gay. We’ve all, in essence, been gay at some point in our lives.

I’m fine with that, personally. Cause I’ve got nothin’ to hide. If I firmly believed sexually were a simple matter of binary, conscious choices, I’d just as easily flick the “gay” switch and start swallowing dicks like bratwurst during Oktoberfest.

But, I’m just.. not. This isn’t to give me some inflated sense of pride in how gosh-darned manly I am. Far from it. I have a lot of feminine tendencies and you may have noticed I’m not exactly “ripped”. Whatever part of my brain regulates my arousal is responsible for a general “nahhh… just not into it” feeling towards dicks, body hair, and masculine partners. I’d love to tap into that raw feed and ask it “so, what else will I find out I’m exceedingly turned on by in 10 years?”.

Maybe….

Maybe it’s simpler, though. Maybe these evangelicals have it right. Maybe our sexuality is a series of conscious, binary choices. Maybe, it’ll turn out, hot sweaty man-on-man love is just where it’s at and once you’ve had some, it’s like heroin! Maybe these evangelicals have some secret tome handed down from the ancients that said “seriously, guys? the gay sex is SO fuckin’ sweet. If people get wind of that, we’re doomed. They’ll just wanna fuck each other endlessly instead of praying to zombie jesus and paying stipends to our church. Let them never find out” – and maybe every once in awhile, a preacher gets high up in the ranks and says “really? that sounds ridiculous” and gives it a shot.

And, maybe, he finds out the ancients were right. Assfucking a dude is transcendental.

(and we just can’t have that, can we?)

Related posts:

1. It Doesn’t Fucking Matter
2. Maybe Love Is A Comfort Lie
3. Do People Change?

Nonetheless, here’s a quick breakdown of Do’s and Don’ts.

Do Not…

• Use netspeak/slang. (words like “ur”, “u”, “luv”) or bad spelling (“wut”, “realy”, “cant”)
• Use physical compliments (“you’re sexy”, “beautiful”, “hey cutie”, etc)
• Mention using outside services to get to know them (email, AIM, yahoo, cellphone, etc)
• Mention god. Unsurprisingly (to me, at least), Jesus and God decrease reply rates even amongst other religious terms.

Do…

• Be humble, especially for men. Surprisingly “sorry”, “awkward” and “apologize” all had high success rates.
• Mention something in their ad. The phrase “you mention..” had the highest rate of any term
• Mention a common interest. It appears common taste in a specific band is your best bet.
• Compliment something non-physical. Phrases like “it’s cool that..”, “fascinating” and “awesome” did very well
• Use “how’s it going”, “what’s up”, or even “howdy” (my fave). “hi”, “hello” and “hey” achieved very low success rates.
• Mention atheism. Oddly enough, it got a success rate almost on-par with musical tastes. No other religion fares well, though.

The Perfect Message*

Putting all that data (hooray science and math!) into a human-readable form means that the following form letter should yield you the highest possible success rate for messaging another user on a dating site. The keywords/phrases from the OkTrends article in bold, insert your own variables between {brackets}

How’s it going? Cool profile. I noticed that you’re a fan of {band}, aren’t they awesome? Have you heard {obscure older album by that band, or one similar}? It’s amazing. Also, You mention {random topic}, so I’m curious what you think of {similar topic}. Sorry if these questions seem awkward, but I’m pretty sure you’d have some fascinating responses, being a fellow {atheist, vegetarian, metalhead, gamer} with good taste.

Hope you’re doing well, and maybe we’ll talk soon.

There ya go, kids. It’s like having an aggregating math robot do all your small-talk for you! Have fun with that and let me know if it works.

Theoretically, if the robots are to be believed, this hits all the right chords. I’d feel cheesy sending out this message, too, but it’s worth a shot

Related posts:

1. We Have Hijacked Your Baby
2. Wading through the personals pool
3. My Evening with Skinny Puppy

As I see it, the love for horror movies boils down to one or more of the following :

1. We love/relate to the hero(es)
2. We love/relate to the villain(s)
3. We just want a demented laugh
4. We just want a good scare
5. We like being fucked with

Breaking that down, I’ll explain each reason and give examples where it’s been done well.

We love/relate to the main character(s)

I originally wanted to say “protagonist(s)” instead of “hero(es)”, but the “heroes” are rarely protagonists in horror films (and, frankly, rarely heroic – but let’s just go with it). Many times we’re watching the villain(s) go on a rampage against a group of characters that are the focus of a story and they’re just running around defending themselves. They’re not on a mission, per se, they’re just trying to stay alive. That would make the killer the protagonist. Sorry to be so pedantic, I’m the son of a drama teacher and it would feel wrong to not explain this distinction.

A vast majority of horror movies are working on the premise that you’ll want to root for the good guy, thereby making the bad guy seem scarier. After all, if you relate to a character in any story, you feel like whatever happens to them is happening to you. And, if you feel like you’re being chased, you’re going to be scared.

What pisses me off are shit-house horror flicks that rely on me relating to and liking the main character, but not making them anyone I give a shit about. This is either due to a lack of a proper backstory, or just cause there’s not enough character development to make them human and likable. This is why, to me, 30 days of Night sucked ass. I didn’t give a shit about the main characters. I didn’t know who they were, and they weren’t interesting/likable enough for me to give a shit.

If you’re not going to make your main characters likable or multi-dimensional enough, at least make the villain likable and amusing. Again, 30 days of Night failed at that, as well. It’s not the only one : Hostel 2, most of the Saw movies, the entire Blade franchise, and Underworld suffered as well (sure, sure, Kate Beckinsale was pretty neat – but she answered to some douchebag vampire gothbag, which made me question why she was listening to him in the first place, thereby making her character weak and dramatically lame).

Where has this been used to good effect? Here’s some brief examples.

The Descent – A group of rough-and-tough chicks (many of them also attractive, which helps), including a woman who’s child and husband are killed in the first 2 minutes of the movie. We watched them all having a grand old time right away, seeing how they live when they’re at the apex of life, and then we immediately see the frailty of happiness as her daughter and husband are killed instantaneously in a car crash. When the whole crew gets together, you can’t really find one amongst them that you don’t like. You might not love them all, but you certainly don’t despise any of them. As a further stroke of writing genius, each of them have flaws that make them multi-dimensional and you’re not entirely on the side of any single one of them, but you certainly don’t wish them harm. There’s a shitload of layers to this film, but the basics are this : you like these girls, and you want them to survive. What happens to them scares the shit out of you because you empathize.

Hostel – You’ve got 3 guys here. The geeky, introverted nice guy Josh. The suave, well-toned Paxton (whom you might not like at first, but come to realize pretty quick is just a young dude having fun, and he’s a really good friend) and the goofy-but-harmless foreigner Oli. Like The Descent, you’re not entirely on the side of any of them, but you don’t wish them harm. I thought the first Hostel was an amazing film, because you fucking hate everyone they come into contact with but you genuinely relate to and like those main characters. Again, you empathize so you’re frightened by what happens to them.

Alien/Aliens – Ripley fucking rules. That’s all there is to it. You have no empathy for giant, acid-spewing aliens – you just know they can fuck shit up. But if you don’t love Sigourney Weaver’s character in these films, I posit that you either hate women or you have no taste. That it takes place in an alien world adds to the scare because you don’t know the rules of the landscape – so really anything is possible. We’ll ignore the remainder of the Alien franchise for now.

Halloween – Don’t pretend you don’t love Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. This was especially scary for women, because she’s a babysitter and that strikes at the heart of a lot of teenage girls. Even though I only did a little babysitting in my teens (and mostly during the day, at that), I was scared for JLC. The remainder of the Halloween series focused on Michael Meyers, but (as we’ll explore later in this article) he didn’t have any personality to latch onto so… frankly, who gives a shit about him?

The Host – You’ve gotta love that whole family, really. They’re just regular people and your heart goes out to the deadbeat dad who wants a better life for his kids, but just can’t pull it together. What makes this story special is seeing him find an opportunity to prove his worth as a father, and because he’s so likable and goofy – we want him to succeed.

We love/relate to the villain(s)

This is what fucks up a lot of non-horror fans. But, frankly, I doubt they’ll ever “get it”. Making a likable villain is tricky. You need to make him/her/it tough enough to survive, but also give them vulnerabilities, quirks and/or a personality that make them kind of goofy and likable. The only way to properly explain this one is by example.

Nightmare on Elm Street – It could be argued that there were likable characters in the first NoES, and frankly that’s the only one of the series that follows a more traditional villain-chases-hero plotline. But, something interesting happened with this series that made it one of the better (and, in my personal opinion, best) horror franchises based on a common villain : Freddy Krueger is enjoyable. He cracks one-liners, he’s got a pretty lengthy backstory, he’s a scary monster but also human, and… let’s be honest, he’s got a pretty neat weapon. It also helps that he has really creative killing methods — almost none of which actually involve his built-in weaponry. Seriously… the forced-suicide-as-a-puppet killing in NoES : Dream Warrior? Genius!

Hellraiser – Like NoES, the first one is more like a classic horror flick. But, once Hellraiser 2 kicked off it quickly became all about Pinhead and the Cenobites. After that, it got into some campy-ass territory, sure, but I still enjoyed Pinhead’s killings and one-liners. I genuinely enjoyed Hellraiser : Bloodline, for instance, because of its heavy focus on Pinhead and making his lines so damned quotable. To wit..

and…

How do you not LOVE that shit?

Wishmaster – Ignore every Wishmaster flick after this one. The first one was a stroke of genius. Not only the creative kills (which go into another category I’ll explain in a moment), but everyone I’ve watched this movie with laughs out loud when the security guard says “Well, you’ll have to go through me. Which is something I’d just LOVE to see….” (because, you see, saying “I’d love to see..” is the same as “I wish…” to a genie).

We Just Want A Demented Laugh

This gets into the territory that, if you were the critical and holier-than-thou type, you might point at a horror fan and say “you’re a fucking psychopath”. But, frankly, I don’t think I need to defend my schaudenfreude here. Entertainment – specifically, fictional entertainment – is about fantasy. It’s not a stretch to say that likely most horror fans grew up (as I did) as outcast geeks, dreaming of all sorts of fucked-up death sentences against their oppressors. So, watching the douchebag jock get disemboweled by a chainsaw is an amusing site. This particular category of horror film is rarely malicious, though. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and the entertainment is from the sheer absurdity, as well as “ohhhman… I love how fucked up that was”. That’s one of those great feelings you get laughing at something you shouldn’t – and it’s something I explore a lot in my stand-up comedy. When asked to defend this style of humor.. I’m fucked. I got nothin’. I just figure if you “get it”, then you wouldn’t ask. If you don’t… you never will.

The trick to pulling off this style correctly is in being goofy about it. You should avoid going for insanely-fucked-up if you have a malicious intent of any kind. For instance, I laugh when my black friends tell me what’s commonly referred to as “nigger jokes”, but I’d be pretty fucking offended hearing the same joke from someone in the KKK.

Now, let’s get to the examples..

Dead Alive – If you haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s earlier work (Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, Dead Alive) then you really should. They’re insanely fucked up. And wonderful. I’ve always heard Dead Alive held a number of records – gallons of blood spilled, number of people shown slaughtered, most kills for under a given budget – but I’m not sure how many are true. The point is that when you watch a scrawny New Zealander take out hundreds of crazed zombie-like monsters with a modified lawnmower, you know you’ve hit paydirt. This movie provides so many “ohhh that’s horrible!” (while laughing your ass off) moments, it should get some kind of award.

Ichi The Killer – This is probably one of the most fucked-up films I’ve seen (though, I also have a copy of the banned Norwegian film “Revenge” which shows a real, human cadaver’s eyeball being scalpeled) and it’s something of a legend among horror fans. Those that have seen it will immediately tell you their favorite scene, those that have only heard about it from others will light up when they see it in your DVD collection, and those that have no idea what this movie is… well, you want to be careful when showing it to them. And make sure you keep a bucket handy in case they need to hurl.

Gremlins 1 & 2 – I honestly consider these movies to be close, in spirit, to Dead Alive. Just silly fun and mindless destruction. Most wouldn’t even consider Gremlins a horror flick – more like a comedy. But, they’re ostensibly horror. I don’t personally consider Dead Alive to be horror, either, but there’s too much gore for most people to consider it comedy. To put it another way : if marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin – Gremlins is the gateway drug to considering gore-horror a form of comedy.

We Just Want a Good Scare

Horror movies are supposed to be scary – at least, in theory. As shown above, oftentimes anything gory that doesn’t fit into any other category gets lumped into horror. And, frankly, that’s fine. Check out the Fangoria convention one of these days and you’ll see just about anything gory or campy-but-death-related being heralded. It’s a good time. Still, it’s kind of rare that a horror film is actually scary, given the broad definition of the genre. If you’re in for a scare, check out these examples…

The Shining – While some could consider 2001 a horror film for technophobes, no one denies that Kubrick’s film adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining was a horror film no matter which way you slice it. This is the first mention on the list because you don’t really relate to Jack’s introverted son Danny, you probably consider Shelley Duvall’s character Wendy Torrance to be a weak housewife character (cause, really, she doesn’t do anything except annoy Jack and wander around scared all the time), and Jack Torrance is by no means likable – he’s a drunk psychopath with severe anger management issues. All of that is fine, though. The villain here is unseen. It’s all mental. It’s cabin fever. Being snowblind. Paranoia. Ghosts. Dementia. All of the above. WIth no definitive villain or hero, you’re just watching a family descend into madness, lead by a frightening character who suffers those effects the greatest. Perhaps why it’s most frightening is that there’s no particularly good reason this couldn’t happen to any of us in the same situation.

Psycho – A classic, and for good reason. I won’t belabor the obvious and oft-repeated reasons why beyond this : it’s a story about a psychotic man who appears perfectly normal. That’s something that will forever scare the shit out of people, because it’s happened many times in real life (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Waynce Gacy were all well-respected in their towns).

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Tobe Hooper said he made this movie because reclusive, tight-knit families in the South scared the shit out of him. I think once TCM hit, many more people shared his fear. Again, you’re not relating to the “heroes” (main characters) of the film cause you know very little about them. And you sure don’t want to relate to or like the fucked-up family they encounter. So, the film is stuck either being a dumb gore-fest without merit or being frightening. Hooper didn’t put much gore in his version (watch it again and count the times you actually see blood), but there was plenty of creepy imagery and an overall unsettling vibe. A masterpiece, to be sure. Still scares the shit out of me and I was born in the outskirts of a small town in Texas!

House of 1000 Corpses – To me, this is Texas Chainsaw Massacre for today’s audience. To hell with the TCM remake – this is what needed to be done. All the things I said about TCM above also apply here (albeit a little subdued, simply cause I was quite a bit older when this came out).

1408 – I love John Cusack, so this might’ve slipped into the “love the main character” category, but they intentionally want you to dislike his character as a fluff-writing douchebag. I’m a sucker for a good ghost story and/or movie about someone losing their fucking marbles, so this isn’t entirely unlike The Shining. Not sure why it didn’t do as well in the theaters, as everyone I’ve shown this to (now that I have it on DVD) has fucking loved it.

We Like Being Fucked With

This doesn’t apply solely to horror films – there’s plenty of suspense/drama/thriller flicks that fit this category. But, something horror movies are able to accomplish outside of those genres that adds an interesting edge is that you’re forced to relate to and follow a character that is horrifying and disturbing. One movie I left out of the list below, because I’m not entirely sure it fits into the horror genre, is Hard Candy. In that film, Ellen Paige plays a young woman meeting a photographer at his home. At the beginning of the film, you get the impression that the photographer is kind of a creep. Then you get the impression that Ellen Paige’s character is a psychotic woman, taking advantage of a vulnerable man. But, they further fuck with you as the film goes on because you hate both characters but also relate to both characters. I still haven’t figured out who’s side I’m on in that film (and, having watched the DVD extras, the director feels the same way).

Anyway, here’s some fine examples

Silence of the Lambs – It’s hard not to love and relate to Clarice Starling. She’s the underdog, in a male-dominated field, constantly undermined because of her inexperience (and her gender) who’s out to do right and prove her worth. Meanwhile, she’s also the only one the FBI can rely on to extract information from their favorite man-on-the-inside serial killer Hannibal Lecter. As a viewer, you mostly only hear about what he’s done that’s so horrifying – all you really see for most of the film is how pleasant he is. Gentlemanly, polite, exceedingly intelligent… and, sure, a little rough around the edges, but it’s to be expected when he’s got all these people over the years trying to fuck with him. You, like Clarice, are charmed by him. Then, of course, we see the claws come out and we see him do some pretty unruly shit to people who don’t really deserve that wrath. So, it fucks with you. Are you really rooting for the law (and Clarice) in bringing him down? Or are you kind of hoping he’ll escape, because now you’re sort of on his side, despite the atrocities he continues to commit? It fucks with you, for sure. And they follow that up nicely with Hannibal (the following two films were prequels, and quite a load of shit at that).

American Psycho – This one fucks with you because it’s really hard to be on anyone’s side in this film. You certainly hate Patrick Bateman’s entire social circle and his girlfriend, and pretty much every single person he comes into contact with. They beat it into your head how vapid and shitty those people are. No one gives a fuck Bateman even exists, frankly, and you just wish they’d all get fucked. But… wait. We’re seeing this through the eyes of Bateman. And you don’t really like him, either. He’s also vapid, self-obsessed, paranoid, vain to an obsessive degree, and clearly psychotic. Is he also a killer? We never really find that out either. Part of me ended the film saying “well, if he just imagined it all – then he’s not so bad”, but… what if he imagined being told he didn’t kill anyone? Conversely, if he did only just imagine killing those people, does that really make him any more decent a person? Like I said, it fucks with you.

The Devil’s Rejects – You really want to hate the group of deranged killers that are the focus of this follow-up to House of 1000 Corpses, but Rob Zombie’s genius was in making you like them anyway. You’re not given much of a choice. They’re underdogs and outcasts. They’re kinda funny. They’re a tight-knit group that watches out for each other. They’re up against a scum-sucking lawman. Those are all traits that, given to any other character in any other film, would make you hoot and holler for them. But, here, you’re conflicted because these people are fucked up. And clearly need to be jailed. And beaten to death. That’s why the film works – you hate them and are being forced to root for them almost against your will. The final moments of this movie are just amazing. I hope one day I get to tell Rob Zombie how impressed I was with this flick. (and, full disclosure, I did already tell the whole cast how much I liked House of 1000 Corpses).

The Formula

So, all you budding horror directors out there, here’s the formula I’ve come up with..

If you want to make me root for the main character – give them a backstory, and make them likable.

If you fail at that (or it is not possible, given your cast and/or screenplay), then make the villain charismatic and humanizing in spite of their evil plans.

If neither of those apply, and you’re just going for gore – go all the fuck out and give me a reason to feel okay about watching that level of over-the-top gore, make it campy if you must (hell, Peter Jackson got handed the Lord of the Rings trilogy after a puppet-fuck movie and 2 indie gorefest orgies).

If you’re not looking to make an audience laugh, and you genuinely want to scare some people – make it realistic enough that I worry it might happen to me or someone I know.

If none of the above apply, or you just want to make a lasting impression, mix all of that shit into one film that gives everyone a “WTF?” feeling, but make it skirt the edge of all 4 points and you might work your way into cult status (and I’ll probably buy your DVD and blog about it).

Putting it all together

To me, the number one horror film of all time – the one that applies all five formulas into one amazing film is the original Dawn of the Dead. You’re rooting for the main characters because they’re comprised of a group of everyday people and amazing hero-types. None of them are 100% likable, but you can relate to each of them in some way. Even in the beginning, with no-name redneck characters hunting zombies for kicks, you feel a kinship of “wouldn’t that be kinda fun?”. The zombies are just goddamned funny, and they explain why you should relate to them (answer : because they’re just like you, they’re mindless consumers flocking to what comes natural) but they’re also scary as hell.

It’s at times gory in a funny/campy way, because of the various death sequences (choreographed by the brilliant Tom Savini – who learned all he needed to know about realistic gore from his time in the Vietnam War). It’s scary because, while you can outrun slow-moving zombies… where the fuck are you gonna go when the world is full of them? Finally, it fucks with you because all these elements come together with no actual crux, no actual plot, and no actual outcome. There’s no “happy ending”. It’s just a snapshot of an all-out zombie war and post-apocalyptic survival.

Funny side-story : I did an awards show with Ken Foree a few years back, and we went out for a smoke so I told him that I considered him one of the greatest horror movie heroes of all time and asked him what he thought of the Dawn of the Dead remake. As if he was a g’damn psychic, he laughed and said “Ahh man… if I say anything, that shit’s gonna end up all over the internet. ‘Ken Foree takes on the Dawn of the Dead remake….’ haha. Fuck that. But, seriously… those zombies move too damned fast. I think we did all we could do with the first one.. I don’t see the need for a remake, but… I didn’t hate it”.

Anyway, that’s how you make a fuckin’ horror movie. Just in case you were wondering.

Related posts:

1. Go See “Shortbus”
2. Oh, Me? I’ve been okay…
3. Get your tickets now

• I am not a doctor
• I am not getting paid by anyone to tell you this shit
• I am not some anti-corporate conspiracy theorist shithead who’s going to tell you this information “is what THEY don’t want you to know, man!”
• I could give two shits if you take any of this seriously or not. Again, it makes ZERO difference to my income (see any ads on this site? nope)
• I have never, in 10 years of blogging, been a shill for the interests of any particular group or idea
• I’m only speaking from personal experience

QUICK BACKGROUND

All of that out of the way – let’s get to the heart of the matter. The “common cold” as it is often called is really just a generic ever-changing virus. The reason why there’s no over-the-counter cure is because it’s constantly mutating. It’s not life-threatening by any means, but it’s …. well, basically annoying. Ever OTC remedy you’ll find will say that it’s aim is to lessen the effects of the common cold. And, that’s great. I fuckin’ love NyQuil. I think it tastes great (I truly do, I wish there was a drink based on that shit), and it helps me sleep when I’m sick. The only thing I’ve found that actually does any good was Zicam. That is, until that whole class action lawsuit business. Still – I use it. Even the very item they say kills the sense tof smell. I still have that in my medicine cabinet, cause it worked pretty well for me and I can still smell.

THE CAUSE

Okay, so the only REAL way (as every doctor will tell you) to “cure” the common cold is to just let your body do its thing. And, what is that “thing” your body does? It heats up (this is why you get a fever), it drains fluids (in the form of a runny nose), and it ejects pieces of the virus stuck in your air passages (in the form of a cough). Viruses are simply cells that are not native to our body. Most viruses (this includes the “common cold”) can be heated internally and destroyed. It just takes a few days to really do it up right. Our bodies are pretty amazing like that.

THE CURE

The reason you’re reading this, I’m sure, is “okay, what is this fucking cure you speak of?”. To put it simply : get yourself a hair dryer, point it at your face, and breathe. To put it into instructional format….

1. Get yourself a hair dryer with an adjustable heat setting
2. Put it on “low” heat
3. Point it up at your nose
4. Keep the dryer’s temperature and proximity to your face at a level that you can FEEL heat going into your airway, but BEFORE it becomes anywhere near painful. It’s likely to be uncomfortable, but not by any means painful.
5. Breathe deep, slow breaths for between 5 and 10 minutes (I usually go for 10, doctors say “around 3 to 5″ minutes)
6. Blow your nose
7. Go to sleep

My personal experience was to do this on the first night of noticing I’m starting to get a cold. That weird scratchy feeling in your throat, the beginnings of your nose running and being “sniffly” – that’s when I do it. I take some NyQuil (or a sleeping pill, as I did a few months ago), and I follow the techniques I outlined above. I woke up the next morning feeling right as rain.

THE RESEARCH, PROOF, AND PROFESSIONALS

I first found out about this through a comment on one of my favorite sites of all time – Metafilter. Specifically ask.metafilter.com – a subdomain dedicated to users asking other users questions. One comment in particular is this one here that breaks down the basics of why it works. Another comment (from the same user) mentions it again in reference to allergies but this time – he links to an actual doctor’s recommendation about it. I have since Googled around and found other links…

• This eHow article
• This entire thread of Ask MeFi that is replete with other people extolling the virtues of “the trick”
• All the times the hair dryer trick was mentioned on Ask MeFi
• An entire Google search about it, which brings to light a few other times it might work

Take it or leave it – I’m just putting it here cause it worked for me and it might work for you. That’s why I wrote this entry.

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2. *phew* Well, That Sucked.
3. Oh You Rejected Devils

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend since <date removed> that makes it <a lot of> years… Before that I was dating this guy who had some issues and moved out to <another state>. Now I’m having some strong feelings towards him again….should I move out to <another state> or not?

My (shortened version) reply was..

For the love of all things you hold dear – DO NOT do this because you think some fantasy you’ve cooked up in your head is gonna work out for you, or that this guy’s suddenly gonna drop everything and agree with your mindset. People almost never change. They just get better at hiding the shit everyone’s whined to them about changing. Spend a few months with someone you think has changed and there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll see the unchanged-but-lying-to-themselves person rear their ugly head. And then you’ll stop and think “ohhh shit. NOW I remember why we broke up!”

To that end, I posted to Twitter :

your ex didn’t “change after you broke up”, they just got better at hiding what you didn’t like

…and I was RT’d several times. I even got re-posted by friends on Facebook. Apparently, I struck a nerve of truth. That’s always good to know. But, I think I should expound a bit, because it’s a fascinating subject. So, here we go..

I’m Not On My High Horse

I truly, really, am NOT trying to be a hypocrite. And, I’m not just bashing everyone’s exes so we can all get on the “yeah, to HELL with my ex!” train together. Hi, we’re ALL someone’s ex. I’m an ex, too. And, yeah, I’m no fan of my most recent ex.. she can suck 100 cocks in hell for all I give a shit. But, I’m her ex, and the above advice (and subsequent Twitter post) apply even to her.

When I met her, she read through a number of old blog posts of mine, watched my show (Aural Salvation) and paid attention to how I was about life, women, sex and relationships. One blog post in particular, I talked about why I didn’t have a girlfriend. The long-and-short of it at the time was “shit… I don’t even know what I want. It’s unfair to bring someone along for the ride that’s not going anywhere”. Though I wanted to hang onto her when I met her, I didn’t want an actual relationship. So, we had an open relationship for about a year and a half and… fuckitlongstoryblablabla had a closed relationship for the next year and a half. Moving on.

I can even remember her watching an old episode of the show where Nad and I discussed marriage and kids. I thought it was a hilarious episode, but she told me “I can’t watch you talk like that”. What she was taking issue with is that, while I said I wasn’t entirely opposed to marriage, “I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anyone I’d want to put up with for that long”. That’s an honest statement – and, yes, I still feel that way.

She, in her ongoing “woe is me” bullshit mindset, ignored the “I’M NOT SURE” part and instead heard “I’ll never put up with anyone that long”.

Over the years we were together, I had to more and more hide these old statements I made. I couldn’t watch archives of the show around her. I couldn’t mention old blog posts. My standup comedy eventually became devoid of any “so, one time… in bed… THIS happened” jokes.

Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAD changed. That I wasn’t “that guy” anymore. That I no longer had any interest in casual sex, and maybe a married-and-one-day-family life is just what I needed. She and I talked about that at great length, even. So, when these ideas popped up in her head about Mitcz The Philanderer, she increasingly became able to dismiss them.

When we broke up – the first time – I jumped into bed with just about every girl who so much as smiled at me. Oops.

Fast forward to our final breakup, earlier this year, and I moved back here to Hollywood. Literally a few hundred feet from where I lived when she met me. And guess what? I’m right back to how I was. I don’t consider this a flaw – it’s who the fuck I am. And I’m done making apologies for what I love about life and you can go fuck yourself if you want to pass judgment towards me about it. I love my life, and I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

So, Do People Change?

Honestly? The answer is effectively NO.

That’s effectively. To speak from a statistical significance – if 1 out of 23892 people were shitting flowers, it’d still be safe to say “fecal matter smells”. It doesn’t mean ALWAYS, or IN EVERY SITUATION EVER. But, goddamnit… MOST of the time. The test I’ve been using for years is this..

If you’ve run into an old friend, or even an old ex, from YEARS ago and you’re thinking “I wonder if they do still that one thing“. Guess what? Get ‘em good and drunk, give it about 2 hours and you can make a small fortune betting on them doing that one thing over and over again.

Generally speaking, after about 19 years old, people are who they’re going to be for life. Sure, they’ll get smarter about shit (hopefully) and they might knock off a few of their more immature activities – but if they’ve got some personality defect like :

- They think they’re 100% right about everything
- They talk too damned much, and never let anyone finish a sentence
- They have a temper that gets fired like a fuckin’ hair-trigger
- They’re one of those loud, angry drunks
- They love drama and/or creating drama and/or like to whine about shit a lot

….that shit’s probably never going to change. Seriously. And I know every 5 years, you’ll run into them and they’ll make a very impassioned speech about how they used to be, and how they’ve “changed so much”, but run that drunk test on ‘em and you’ll see it. They’ll even get that crazy look in their eyes, the one that immediately transports you back to 5 years prior. They don’t need to be drunk for this test, mind you, but it usually takes a few weeks or months for them to get comfortable enough around you again to let their lying-ass guard down and let the crazy flag fly. Alcohol just speeds up the process.

Full-disclosure : when I was younger, I definitely tried to be right about everything and argued with everyone. I tried to justify every stupid little thing I did and I never apologized or said “you’re right, I’m wrong”. And, I talked a lot. So I was basically just a loud-mouth asshole. These days, I still talk way too much – but I’ve actively worked to change cutting anyone off or not giving anyone “the floor”. Not saying I don’t still probably talk twice as much as anyone else in the room, but it’s an ongoing change where I’m now actively seeking opportunities to just shut the hell up and listen, even asking questions that will lead others to talk at great lengths.

What have I actually changed about myself? Trying to be right all the time. Shit, I’ve been embarrassingly wrong in my life, many many many many times. And while I used to try and defend it – not so much anymore. I even go so far as to start sentences with “I could be wrong, but…” or “Well, as far as I know…” and when I get into a discussion of opinions where one person thinks “we should do this” and I think “no, we should do this”, I immediately try and find a compromise instead of convince them that they should give up their fight and concede to me.

I am by no means a perfect person and would never claim to be. I can say I’m a better person than I was – but that’s my only goal. To better myself and make myself a bit more tolerable to be around. Thing is – change comes from within. And, unless you drop your ego long enough to realize “holy shit… I was SO fucking wrong about that” on your own time, and feel a sense of guilt and shame, all you’ll ever do is hide that shit from people long enough to lure them in. And that, my friend, makes you an asshole.

Conclusion

Chances are, that ex of yours hasn’t changed the very thing that made your relationship fail in the first place. Compounding this is the fact that almost no one is ever 100% honest when they breakup. We all try to be soft about it. And, yeah, we’ll mention faults, but ultimately it ends with “….and I just don’t think it’s actually going anywhere” or “…but I just don’t think it’s gonna work out”. If you were actually honest with the person, they’d fuckin’ kill themselves. No one wants to hear..

“Look, I’ve seen you practically everyday for years now. I’ve lived with you and seen every side of you there is to see. And, frankly, you’re kind of a piece of shit. You’re selfish. You’re messy. You’re hypocritical. You’re needy. You’re judgmental. You make me feel like a lesser person when I LOVE the person I am and now I resent you for turning me against literally my closest friend – ME! Looking at you now feels like I’m staring at an STD. I want to warn the whole world to stay away from your crazy ass, because you’re nothing but hurt, lies, and misery”.

Yes, I wish I’d given that speech, too. But, I had my own bullshit reasons for trying to keep shit civil (not the least of which is that we still lived together and I didn’t wanna get stiffed on rent, or come home to find my shit broken or missing). The smart money, however, says – 10 years from now – she’ll still be selfish, jealous, hypocritical, and vindictive without reason. And, I’ll probably still talk too much (but hopefully, that’ll be even more of my job than it is now).

By comparison – 10 years from now, I’ll still get really excited when I see titties. And I’ll still be thinking “golly.. I’d like to have to sex with that woman” when I pass a hot girl in the street.

So, that ex never found out the real 100% reason you left them, so they’ll never think to change it. And, you might even have forgotten cause it’s some deep-seated shit that would take MONTHS to even uncover. Like, maybe, they have a low self image so they innocently flirt with other people to boost their ego but silently punish you for the same thing by doing minor things they know you hate and pretending they didn’t notice, or they forgot.

Wrapping it all up – don’t dig through your trash and don’t go back to your ex. There’s a maybe 1% chance it’ll work out, and while you’re trying to patch that shit up, you’re ignoring literally a world full of other people you could be with instead.

Related posts:

1. Oh, You Creep
2. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”
3. Dear Mom

Mothers Against Drunk Driving or MADD. They can use catchy slogans like “It’s time to get MADD!”. Hell yeah. Get mad about drunk driving. That’s catchy, and poignant.

But if fathers got in on the action? It would be FADD. And, sure, it rings true. Mostly it’s dumb young douchebags who can’t hold their liquor properly that run about the town drinking and driving — thereby being a fad — but you can’t actually say that!.

Mothers Against Guns or MAG. This kinda works cause of “mag clips” in guns. So, it’s sorta like they’re fighting guns by using gun-lingo. Good call here.

But uhh… fathers getting in on it? That would be FAG. Ignore the angry calls from gay-rights activists, and try not to laugh if their slogan was “Guns don’t make you cool, and they’re exceedingly dangerous in the wrong hands. This message brought to you by a FAG”.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

So…. keep up the good work moms!

Related posts:

1. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
2. Goodbye, 2008. I shan’t miss you
3. RE : Mitch Hedberg

Well, if you missed it, I have good news. I’ve put up a video compilation of my appearances in that episode. Click here to check it out.

Related posts:

1. I’m a Serbian thug
2. Mitcz TV Debut
3. Goodbye, 2008. I shan’t miss you

I wish I could tell you all about that night. But, I’m under a strict NDA. What I can say is this…

I went into the night just trying to be calm, and not let anything bother me. I wasn’t about to play it up for cameras, or create fights and drama just so I could get a mention on The Soup or some shit.

However, the night got so fucking crazy and the GIRLS were so fucking crazy that.. I finally just snapped. All these months I’ve thought “I really hope they show my side when the episode airs. I hope it shows that I was being fine and cool all night until it went a little too far”.

Well, from what little I could find on their site, it appears that’s exactly what they’re gonna do :

No one believed me when I said “I swear.. she threatened to break a bottle over my head and shoot lemons in my eye if I didn’t kiss her”. Now, I guess you’ll all find out for sure :)

Am I excited? Ehh… kinda. I’m not sure I’ll even watch it when it airs, but the curiosity might get the best of me.

Anyway, that’s something you can maybe look forward to. Mitcz on Bad Girls Club – Tuesday, Dec 9th @ 10/9c.

Related posts:

1. GIGGIN' IT UP!
2. My Mother, The Terrorist
3. Hardcore Comedy + Hardcore BDSM = Fun?

That is to say – not only did someone actually think Barack Obama’s middlename has ANY bearing on his ability to lead, but they made a bumper sticker. Ahh but wait! Someone else thought “hey! that’s a good point” and stuck it on their car.

For my take on Obama, I direct you to this highlighted bit from a recent performance I did. This is my final word on the matter, and I thought it was important to note, so it was uploaded as its own piece, separate from the full performance :

Related posts:

1. Come Together. (right now)
2. New RevMitcz.com Frontpage
3. Dispatches of “Truth” pt 1

This week’s question was..
One partner likes their sex simple, the other with a side of kink…can they both find satisfaction in their sex life?

And what’s my answer? PUT YOUR CLICKER THING HERE AND FIND OUT.

(oh, and I made some clarifications/responses in the comments area of the page, too)

Related posts:

1. Another Sample Chapter From My Book
2. Constantly Nerding Out
3. ReLaunch : RevMitcz.com v3.0

COOKS
Minimum 2 years experience in a fast pace high volume restaurant.
Food Preparation experience.
Accurate knife skills preferred, not required.
Bilingual Spanish and some English required.
Handles other food preparation as assigned; other duties as assigned.
Insure proper use of standardized recipes.
Handles all food preparation equipment safely including food slice, deep fryer and grill.
Able to work flexible hours including nights, weekends and holidays.

DISWASHERS
Food Preparation experience.
Some English required.
Handles all food preparation equipment safely including food slice, deep fryer and grill.
Able to work flexible hours including nights, weekends and holidays.

Feel free to check that link, but this was posted under “TV / VIDEO / RADIO JOBS” in CL. Now, granted, many actors/actresses in Hollywood have to take jobs they hate while trying to “make it” in this town – but I don’t think being a dishwasher at a movie theatre counts as an industry job.

But I can see it now..
GUY 1 : “Hey man – I got a job in the industry!”
GUY 2 : “Sweeeet. What are you doing?”
Guy 1 : “Washing dishes at the Arclight, man! W000t!”

ACTORS – ACTRESS

Can you make someone feel like your friend in 1 minute or less?

Make $50k-100k a year.

In the week or so that I’ve been looking at industry/talent jobs on CL, I’ve learned never to click on any headline that’s as vague as “ACTORS – ACTRESS”, cause if your requirements are that vague, you’re not actually looking to book someone for a gig. Case in point : this post.

In a more honest world, the above posted ad would continue…

“…cause we scam old people out of their social security checks and we need smiling faces that people look at and say to themselves ‘this person could never lie’ – and the joke’s on them, cause you WILL be lying! HAHAAaaaa. Sure, we’ll pocket millions from your soulless whoring, but we’ll shave off a tiny sliver of that cash cow so you can buy yourself a shiny red sportscar!”

Are you hotter than Paris Hilton?

New Major Network Reality series seeks one hottie age 18-25…

You must be outrageous, shameless, thin, hot, sexy, car stopping sexy, able to handle a small dog while driving and holding a capiccino.

We will see you tomorrow for an audition to be on the show.

Send picture immediately.

Hotter than Paris Hilton? I found a half-dead, disease-ridden rat gnawing on a chicken bone in the alley near my apartment that looked hotter than Paris Hilton. I don’t know if it could drive and hold a “capiccino” (clearly the poster isn’t much smarter than Paris Hilton), but I’ll bet you it wouldn’t endanger as many people unfortunate enough to be stuck on the same stretch of freeway as her.

Bring People to Huge All Ages Show & get Payed!!!

{ BAND NAME WITHHELD } are opening for The Cliks!!!

@ The Knitting Factory in Hollywood next Wed, Aug. 22nd @ 9pm.

On Thur. Aug. 23rd. The Cliks go on Craig Ferguson Late Late Night to perform,

This show is going to be huge and is expected to sell out, Tix are $8 each.

YOU WILL GET PAYED $2 FOR EVERY PERSON YOU BRING TO THE SHOW WHO SAYS THEY ARE THERE TO SEE { BAND NAME WITHHELD }

{ BAND NAME WITHHELD } Are an L.A. Based Sex Rock band who combine elements of Funk/Indie/Soul to create a truelly original and fun environment everytime
they rock out. If you wanna dance, this is where you need to be!

So, lemme get this right… your shitty band can’t pull in a crowd, but you squeezed your way into a gig with a band that kinda has a following and you want to make it look like you have fans? And you’re willing to PAY fans to show up and fake support for you?

Wow. Just.. wow. Ya know, maybe if you spent less time bribing people to pretend to like you and more time writing good music – you could actually KEEP all that money that daddy gave you.

I know. Wild concept. Try it, though. I hear it worked for Led Zeppelin.

Lesbian Couples for Film Project

We are looking for lesbian couples for a new film project. Camera friendly faces are helpful. Acting experience is a plus. Must be comfortable with nudity in film. If you would like more information, send an email to sbaer@colossalent.com. Pictures are appreciated.

It’s such a strange coincidence that I found this. I mean – I’M looking for hot lesbian couples for my apartment. I also require that they’re comfortable with nudity. In fact, I don’t even care if you want more information – just send your pictures (nudes preferred) to me@revmitcz.com.

LOOKING FOR A MUSE

Looking for a girl with features like SHERI MOON ZOMBIE, a little wild and crazy, tattoos a plus, wants to go go dance, has a little pornstar in her but only behind closed doors. HAS experience or somehwat experience acting, photographs well. Looking for a girl to develop projects for in mainstream film through up and coming company Reel Road Entertainment. A wild spirit, willing to do anything and everything to get the job done and the project finished. Creative and Energetic.

This post rules. If you read it like I do (read : like a perv), you’d be cracking up, too. Here’s my cheatsheet :

“features like SHERI MOON ZOMBIE” : “great ass. thin. nice tits. young”
“a little wild and crazy” : “swallows”
“tattoos a plus” : “tattooed chicks do anal”
“has a little pornstar in her” : “might give my friends anal, too. on camera”
“has experience acting” : “can make your fake orgasms fool my erection”
“a wild spirit” : “did I mention I’m into scat-play?”
“willing to do anything and everything” : “you, too, should be into scat-play. If you’re dedicated”

MALE ACTOR

Looking for Union Non Union Male Actors with there own police uniforms 25-45 ethnicity open.

If you’ve been paying attention, I warned about headlines like these earlier in this post. Ignoring that for JUST a second : who, aside from gay pornstars, has their own police uniform? Think about that for a second. Now try your damnedest to UNTHINK of it.

Males wanted for photo/video work – NOT FOR RELEASE

Guys wanted for photo/video work for a private collector. These photos/videos will not be released, and you will not be asked to sign any kind of release to allow your image to be sold or distributed in any way. Must be in good shape and be comfortable doing nude photo/video work. Models will be paid in cash immediately following the shoots. Please submit name, age and contact number or e-mail as well as photos that show you off looking your best.

When I read this ad, all I could think of was what the person replying might be walking into. Some creepy old dude in a dilapidated basement, wearing a fuck-mouth mask, standing behind a camera, saying “yeah, yeah… now shit in the bucket. OhhhhFUCKYEAH. Now.. just take a handful and fling it over here, towards the camera. OHHHYEAH. Now, take a small chunk and rub it on your nipples. MMMFUCK. Okay, pull out your cock and … see that razor over there? Yeah, just PRETEND like you’re cutting into it. But, like, you’re REALLY getting off…”

I’ll stop there. This “work” might not be for sale to the public – but it’s most certainly “FOR RELEASE”

NEED SOMEONE WITH A FANTASTI VOICE

Female needed with a radio voice to do a short greeting recording on my phone, must sound mature and very professional with radio voice. Very simple, easy, it takes 2 minutes. Will pay via paypal or any other way you wish.

Translation : “I’m socially inept, and kinda creepy. Since no one I know has ever seen me with a woman, they’re starting to think I’m gay. I’ve made up this imaginary girlfriend, Tracy, but I’m getting tired of explaining that once we’re done fucking, I just send her home. And she loves it. So, like… this recording would REALLY go a long way towards convincing my co-workers that she’s real”

YOUR BIG BREAK

LP3 Pictures is working with Home Alert to make movies!!! I need actors/actresses to sell security and camera systems. Full training provided. In return you will earn a huge comm and be guaranteed a role in LP3’s next feature film. Space is limited so CALL NOW.

Oh finally! My Big Break! Yes! I can’t wait to have this conversation..

Me : “Hey mom! I got my big break!”
Mom : “That’s great honey! What are you doing?”
Me : “I’m working with LP3 Pictures!”
Mom : “Who?”
Me : “Umm… only the nation’s like LARGEST security and camera system company! D’uh”
Mom : “Never heard of ‘em”
Me : “Whatever. They’re sooo cool. I’m doing videos for them”
Mom : “You mean, like commercials?”
Me : “Well.. yeah. If you’re ever awake at 4am and watching the Discovery Channel once the programming ends, and the TV gets REALLY loud cause there’s a fake show on called Today in Home Security and Camera Systems LIVE.. I’ll be one of the exceedingly happy smiling people, informing the masses about LP3!”
Mom : *click*
Me : “Mom?”

Mkay. That’s all for now. I just had to get some of these off my chest, cause man… there’s so fuckin’ many of ‘em. You can sell people on any shitty job or terrible idea as long as you hold the carrot of Fame & Fortune over their heads. That happens all over the world, but I doubt anywhere as much as the Land of Rape & Honey itself : Hollywood.

Related posts:

1. My Life As An Extra : Part 2
2. Don’t Blame Pirates, Blame MTV
3. My Evening with Skinny Puppy

The other part of me is a sadistic asshole and finds incredible humor in seeing people flop around on there trying desperately to let “someone” know about their interest without giving out too many details and looking desperate.

In the interest of fully explaining the latter, let me set out some quick “rules” on how to properly post such a thing.

1. Specificy when/where you saw the person, give some details that the person themselves would be able to notice (i.e. “you were the hot one in your group” isn’t something the person reading is going to know, but “you had a brown shirt” would be)

2. Give some details about who YOU were when they saw you. In this day and age, you’d have to be pretty desperate to respond to every attempt made by the populous to hit on you. So, give them details that will help them rememeber whether or not you’re worth replying to.

3. Don’t sound desperate. Good form : “I just think it’d be cool to hang out for cofffee sometime”. Bad form : “I will keep posting this until you reply, for my heart is empty now that I’ve seen you. PLEASE!!! C’MON!!! I’LL ROCK UR WORLDZ!!”

4. This is not a personals ad. If you’re not looking for a “missed connection” with a specific person – don’t post a message.

Now, for the fun part. People who have broken one or more rules.

Why? DId you meet me?

Are your initials M.C.?

——-
This person broke the first 2 rules.

First off : that’s all it says – “are your initials M.C.?” My driver’s license says I’m “Mitchell Christopher Marzoni”. Often times, since my last name wraps to the next line, I’ve had people take my name down as “Mitchell Christopher”. So.. in a way, MY initials are M.C. But what if they host an open mic? Or they’re the DJ at a stripclub? Does being called “M.C. Starbucks” count as having the initials “M.C.”? And how do you know someone’s initials, but NOTHING else about them (including WHERE you saw them)?

Beyond that – WTF does “why? did you meet me?” mean?

Eye Surf

you drove a white truck with the licence plate eye surf… this may be stupid but couldn’t think of any other way to reach ya. If ever come upon this, I lost ya on the way to TJs (national & westwood blvd). Drop a line if ya may think who I am.

——-

Okay, they pretty well covered Rule #1 but it feels like they broke 2 and 3.

Sure, the person seeing this would pretty well know you were talking about him (this is a women-for-men ad), but how does he know who the hell you are? She also states “I lost ya on the to TJs”. Am I the only one who gets a creepy stalker feel from that? Like “hey, I was following you in traffic, running lights, switching lanes, honking at you… but it was like you were going somewhere. In your CAR of all things. Sheeesh”.

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU
…..there i said it
call me as soon as you read this you know it’s me

——-

OMG!!! EYE LUV U 2!!! I’m so glad you finally came out and said it, Shirley. Wait.. you’re not Shirley? Shit. Okay, sorry about that. Can I love you back anyway?

BORED

I have no plans tonite. Anyone interested in hanging out with me? I am in a drinking mood tonite. Let me know.

——-

Sure thing, complete stranger. Let’s get drunk and figure out who the fuck you are. I doubt you’re a creepy old hag, or a dude dressed like a chick, or a desperate twinkie-stuffing whore. Imagine someone replying to this, and then getting married and having kids w/them.

Kid : “So, how’d you two meet?”

Father : “Well son… your mother had this tendency to post anonymous messages on a public forum asking for drunken sex. I was BORED and a complete loser, too, so I put my name in the hat and… well, the rest is history!”

You never check this – but you have a reason to today

Should I wait for you to get over this fear or walk because you aren’t wanting this ever? Just tell me. Im going crazy not knowing.

signed.
the understanding one

——-

You’re breaking Rule 1, 2, and 4 here.

So, lemme get this right – you’re addressing this to a dude who has committment issues? Well, I’m sure there’s only aobut 2378237823 men in LA who fit THAT description. Also, if they “never check this”, what makes you think they’re going to check it now, and know it’s you who’s asking? If I were the dude, I’d fear you too. Cause you’re abundantly retarded.

I cant take it anymore, I miss you

I miss you so much , wish I didnt miss you but I cant help who I love !!!
I love you and miss you lots !

——-

OMG!!! I MISS U 2!!! I LUV U SOOO MUCHO!! LET’S MARRY, SHIRLEY!! Oh, wait. You’re not Shirley, either? Well, fuck. Maybe you could pretend to miss me and I’ll put a hot beef injection in your brown eye?

Lest you think I’m only ripping on women-for-men missed connections, the men aren’t much better. In fact, men seem to be way less picky. They’re just like “well, as long as SOMEONE replies, then I’m good”.

ENCINO STARBUCKS GIRLS… you are all so HOT!!!!!

The girls that work there are by far the absolute best looking all around!

——

OMGZ!! I WERK AT THA STARBUCKS IN ENCINO!! LOLZZZ! WE SHOULD PRACTICE THE MAKING OF BABIES!!!

Look here, kiddo : women kinda prefer being courted. Being addressed personally. It makes ‘em feel special. I know it’s hard to understand, cause as men we’ll pretty much take whatever fuckable thing with 3 holes that wanders into our field of view with the slightest half-smile.

And, really, if someone from that Starbucks responded to the ad – would you really trust a girl who has NO idea who you are, but throws herself at anyone who makes a passive attempt to lump them in as “OMGSOHOT!!!”?

Hottest checkout girl at Albertsons!!

Claudia, I ran an ad last week hoping to find you. I keep coming in and your not there. I asked your coworkers again to tell you to check out this site so I can find out all about you, without everyone in line hearing me do so! I hope to hear from you……….

Van

——-

When I first saw that headline, I thought it was gonna be in the same vein as the Starbucks guy. But, heading inside makes it clear that this dude’s like mega creepy. Let’s trace his steps..

1. He runs an ad last week, hoping to get in touch with “the hot girl” at Albertsons. She doesn’t respond.

2. He goes into the store MULTIPLE times, trying to find her. No luck.

3. He inquires about her whereabouts (several times, again) to her co-workers and – surprise! – they don’t tell him shit.

4. He runs the ad AGAIN and tells her all about his constant stalking, which is now getting obsessive.

Gee, Romeo, I can’t imagine why this hasn’t worked for you. Have you exhausted every option? Maybe get a tattoo of her name across your chest and run in her store without your shirt on and make sure you steal some shit so they get you on their store cameras to show to her later.

I hear women LOVE that!

To the girl who saw me masturbating in my car

I didn’t mean to frighten you. I honestly didn’t see you walk up. I had to notice that you looked for a few seconds before turning away and laughing. It seemed as if you hesitated, would you like to watch for longer? I’d love to show you…of if you know anyone else, i’d love to show them too..

——-

MONUMENTAL balls, this guy. Not only does he jerk off in his car. In public. In full-view. And get CAUGHT doing it. He’s not remorseful. He, in fact, brags about it in the open. And wants to find the girl who caught him. And invites others to watch, too, if they’d like.

Wow. Just wow. Dude – you’re on your own. Lemme clue you in on something : if you ever catch someone pullin’ their pud in plain view of public eye, you’re going to look, hesitate, and then walk away laughing (or throwing up). It’s not because “OMG! WOW! A PENIS! I NEVER SEE THOSE!!!” It’s because it’s pretty fuckin’ weird. You see that and you go “wait, wait… is that dude jerkin’ his pole, or is he trying to take off his parking brake? OMG he IS flankin’ his steak!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”.

Good luck, though, buddy. I’m sure there’s a ton of women out there looking to get sexually harassed on their morning stroll through the neighborhood.

girl i keep seeing lately at Pavillions

i keep this cute girl at Pavillions always when she is checking out. seems about 5′4” black.brown hair, blue eyes, fair complexion. really pretty and always in work attire. i wish all girls here could look so cute and sweet.
if by any chance you happen to read this, send me an email!
i’m a nice guy myself.

——–

Aww… you’re a nice guy? How cute. I’m sure she’s looking for a nice guy that keeps eyeing her at the same place and who’s brain is so non-functional that he can’t figure out that “work uniform” in “same place” means : SHE FUCKING WORKS THERE. Now, how many work uniforms could there possibly be at the Pavillions that don’t clue you in as to where she works?

Not that it would help. You’re a “nice guy”. Chicks hate nice guys.

Okay, now I saved the best for last…

looking friend

looking going out female friend ,,age 28to 42,,have good time single male 51,, have extra full in tank,, you need this to run your car,

——

I love this ad. Every time I read it, in any accent I can manage, it just gets funnier. I wish I could track all this guy’s posts. I’ll bet he makes some doozies.

“looking cooking female friendly person. You need bread crumbs for chicken to fried! I have breadcrumb! Let’s peel skin and KFC our TV room!”

“dicking go spank-spank. Many night no bishop flogging make smiling. Maybe you come over and spank-spank bishop’s clown nose for happy sauce expulsion? I’m cuddle for puppy lovings”

And that’s all, folks. I might do this more often, cause hot damn it sure is fun.

Related posts:

1. It Would Be Great If…
2. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
3. Oh, You Creep

There’s two major problems here, however :
1. There’s nothing in the article that helps men to STOP this inane behavior.
2. There’s very little advice on actual relationships, and when to know to call it quits.

The article in question is here :
http://www.doubleviking.com/questions-from-your-girlfriend-that-aren-t-really-questions-4486-p.html.

I’m not an expert. Never claimed to be. But, I know my way around inane questions that serve no purpose. So, to that end, I’m going to respond to each of their gripes and actually give you some useful advice here. Your results may vary – but I have a solution for that at the end.

The Question : “How do I look?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Tell me I am attractive. Now.”
Their advice :
Pretend to have your mind focused on something else for a second. Then look back at her, as if you just now realized she ask you something. The moment your eyes hit hers, suddenly act as if you have become overwhelmed with a wave of absolute astonishment – who is this beautiful woman, and how did she get here? Widen your eyes and try to look as childlike as possible, dumbfounded with amazement at her beauty.

My Advice :
You have a few options. The one I opt for is usually “are you genuinely curious to know, or are you looking for validation here?”. It’s a direct, honest question. And, it shows I don’t respond well to bullshit-laden questions. They’ll almost always respond with “I’m genuinely curious”. My answer is very simple : “If I thought how you looked at different moments throughout a given day was an issue that gave me any pause – I wouldn’t be with you. I think you’re naturally beautiful, not just ‘hot when you’re trying’ and that hasn’t changed.”

Some argue my tactic of brutal honesty. Personally, I argue that being brutally honest is the only way to have a healthy relationship. It goes like this : If I’m with you and ONLY you – it’s because I’m so enamored with you that I not only don’t want you to go away, but there’s no one else out there that’s a better “fit” for me. If that doesn’t ease your concerns about looking pretty – then you’re too neurotic for me and perhaps we should go our separate ways.

The Question : “Do you think she’s pretty?”
What they say consider the “real meaning” : “Prove to me you aren’t attracted to other women.”
Their advice :
When she asks the question, only refer to the celebrity in question by drawing comparisons between her and your girlfriend. For example:
“Do you think Eva Mendes is pretty?”
“Well, she’s got sort of a nice body, but she doesn’t have your eyes.”
“I wasn’t asking whether or not she looks like me. I was asking whether you thought she’s pretty.”
“I don’t understand. I just told you she wasn’t pretty — she doesn’t have your eyes.”
She’ll pause for a minute, and then come to the realization that you are essentially using your girlfriend as the standard of beauty to which all other girls will be judged: she’ll be so flattered that she might manage to have long, arduous sex with you without crying once.

My Advice :
The best way to avoid ever hearing this question is to date bisexual women. Honestly, I have a hard time even giving consideration to casually seeing a woman who isn’t at least somewhat bisexual. They’re more likely to jump into the “oohh… look how hot SHE is” conversation – and they don’t really care if you agree or not.

Save for that, the article is right about what it means. The route I usually take is “sorry.. that’s a loaded question and I don’t answer loaded questions”. They’ll argue that it’s really NOT a loaded question, but I’m not THAT dumb. Often, the subtle argument leads to fun, silly play-fighting and you can parlay that into sex. If you go down on her for a few minutes during that – she’ll probably forget the question and the ensuing psuedo-argument.

If neither of these work, or aren’t options for some reason (and if it’s just you settling with whatever came along cause you’re lazy, then you’re a fucking prick) then you may as well just be honest. The easiest way to work that is “it’s really hard to tell. She’s on TV, she’s all made-up… she might be a hag when she doesn’t have 3-hours and $10,000 worth of preparation done”. If it’s asked about a girl on the street – just claim it’s hard to tell cause they’re too far away. Either way, it’s good to end with “…but she’s not ugly, no. I’d say she’s pretty attractive” so they know you’re not afraid of telling her the truth. Oh, sure, it might sting – but women appreciate honesty and they appreciate not being with a man who’s a total pussy about saying such things.

The Question : “Where do you want to go tonight?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Read my mind
Their advice :
Get a calendar. Every four days, make sure you have a different activity planned, and follow through with each day’s activity.
Alternatively, if she asks the question too many times just fill a bag with oranges and swing it around menacingly. “If you ask me that one more time,” you can say, “then this is what we’re doing tonight.”

My Advice :
Yes, I realize their response was mostly in jest. The calendar thing? Ohhh I sure hope they were kidding. Who marks shit on a calendar? How the hell is that spontaneous and fun?

Anyway – you can answer this one pretty bluntly, too. Say “are you asking me to choose, or are we having a mutual decision-making process here and you want my input?”

Sometimes, despite what that article says, women really don’t know. Men – same thing. It’s human nature. Sometimes all you know is that you want to leave your home and you want to have that other person’s company along for the trip. Beyond that – you’re really not too picky. So, if it’s one of those situations, then you can’t really fuck this up.

If it’s of the “let’s test this guy” variety, you can sniff that out with the question about whether or not it’s a mutual decision-making process. If they lie to you so they can continue to test you – I suggest you make a point about not enjoying the trickery and that they shouldn’t expect you to be a mindreader. If they continue to do this, time after time, then it’s probably best you go find yourself a girlfriend who doesn’t play catty mindgames. There’s plenty of them out there, I assure you.

The Question : “What are you thinking?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Give me a reason to yell at you”
Their advice :
Kiss her on the mouth, really really hard. With any luck, the pain will be enough that she’ll forget what she asked you, and you can go about your business as if nothing happened.

My advice :
Okay… you COULD go that route. And it’s probably one of the better ideas they’ve had in that article. But that kinda feels like pansy behavior – like you’re dodging something without having any reason to do so.

Truth is – you know what you’re thinking. Hell, I probably know what you’re thinking. You’re a man. You’re thinking one of the following :

1. Am I thirsty/hungry? If so, what would sate that need?
2. I sure wish she would just pull my dick out and suck on it.
3. I really wish I knew what (insert girl you know casually or a celebrity) looked like naked.
4. Ahh… I remember that time in my youth when I (fill in story you’re telling yourself in your head).

If it’s number 1 or number 4 – you can probably safely just say what you were thinking. Even if it’s really boring. In fact, ESPECIALLY if it’s really boring. Then she’ll be sorry she asked.

The reason women ask this question is usually because they’re thinking about you – maybe thinking about a future with you. But, they can’t say that cause they’ll come off as clingy and they know you’ll freak out. They ask what you’re thinking in the hopes that maybe you’ll be thinking the same thing and “ohhh isn’t that precious!?!?!”. Bleh. If you ARE thinking about them, however, feel free to say so. There’s no harm in it. After all – the truth is good.

If what you were thinking about is not something you’d want them to know, just say “I don’t feel like telling you – nothing personal.” They’ll inevitably ask why, and my response has usually been “because there’s only one place where I’m truly free in this world. And, it’s in my mind. If I let what was in mind go out into the world unsupervised, I may as well be a machine”. Again, probably not what they want to hear – but that’s my honest response and it helps, again, to indicate my indesire to break my own hard-fought laws.

The Question : “How was your day?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Ask me how my day was.”
Their advice :
Make the summary of your day short and sweet so she can launch into her diatribe early and get it done quicker. You don’t really need to listen to the actual words she speaks so much as you need to watch her facial expressions. Women’s faces have a tendency to recreate the way they looked during specific parts of a story, and mimicking those facial expressions as she delivers them to you will make you seem like you are not only paying attention, but also extremely interested in her story.

My advice :
Honestly – I just judge how they deliver the question. If they deliver it in a boring tone, then they had a bad day. If it’s excited, then they had a great day. Of course, if your day included something that they’ve been wanting to know about (personal example : when I went to film a short film recently that I was starring in, a woman I’m seeing asked all about it), then you can safely answer the question and tell them, cause they honestly want to know.

If your day isn’t what they’re really asking about – don’t answer the question. Just say “no… I wanna hear about YOUR day” followed by the mood. Like “….cause you sound really excited, so I wanna hear the story” or “…cause you sound kinda bummed, so I wanna know what’s got you down”.

The important thing they leave out of their advice, and it’s probably intentional, is that you shouldn’t ask if you don’t care. As for myself, I only date women whose days I’d actually want to hear about. If she’s an interesting person, it’s because she has interesting things going on in her life – and I love a good story, so I ask about their day without being egged on about it because I actually WANT to hear it. If you’re dating some boring little airhead, then this is a pretty big clue that you’re only with her for the sex. If that’s the case, you should switch to a booty-call relationship ASAP.

The Question : “Don’t our married friends seem happy?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Let’s get married”
Their advice :
(they have this in GIANT red print) “RUN!”

My advice :
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this one. I don’t have many married friends, though. The few I do have proabably wouldn’t be lumped together like that. The question I’ve received would be “don’t you think (couple’s name) seem really happy?”

My answer “yeah.. they seem happy now – but I wonder how long that’ll last”. There’s an exception to this rule. I have a friend who’s a former male escort, former male stripper, former jail security guard, former rapper, former college basketball star and still keeps himself looking the best he can : standing at about 6′5″ and built as hell, plus he’s got a reaaally deep voice. If it matters, he’s also a black guy. He and his wife have the model relationship. There’s really no one else on this earth that makes me question my eternally-single lifestyle more than he and his wife. When I was w/my girlfriend and she asked about them, I always answered it honestly.

“Yeah, they’ve got a great thing going on. I think it helps immensely that they were much older when they met, both divorced, both had kids, and they’ve gone to swinger parties and they’re the most open, honest people in the world. There’s nothing taboo in their relationship and they seem to be afraid of nothing. I don’t know that I could ever be that open and comfortable with anyone. It’s definitely a helluva goal to strive for, though”.

How do you answer it? I don’t really know. If your girlfriend is actually lumping all of your married friends together and assuming they’re happy – then she’s an idealist and you probably SHOULD actually run.

The Question : “Do you love me?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “Lavish me with compliments or I’m leaving you.” OR “I am a clingy psychopath, please dump me.”
Their advice :
If we’re talking about the psycho chick, the answer is simple (albeit involved): dump her, cut off all contact with her, and change your locks.
If the question is coming from someone you’re in a serious relationship with, no amount of reassuring will make a difference: if words meant anything to her, she wouldn’t have bothered asking in the first place. The only real way to solve this problem is with money. Buy her something. It doesn’t matter what, so long as it’s more than 100 dollars. You can buy her a goddamn fishing rod made of peppermint, so long as you include the receipt to show her the exact dollar value you place on her love.

My advice :
They got the part about the psycho chick right. The other part, I hope they’re kidding. Seriously.

As for what I do? I’ve only told one woman I loved her (save for close family, of course). And, I may have. Not really sure, and it doesn’t really matter anymore does it?

There’s no easy way around this. If you do, I guess “of course I love you” might work. If you don’t, then you DEFINITELY shouldn’t lie and say you do. If that offends her, let her leave. Seriously. You’re better off for it.

You could also ask “what makes you think I don’t?” if you’ve already told her at some point in the past that you do. That’s an important discussion to have – this question was asked cause she probably sees a problem in the relationship, or a disconnection. If you care about her, and the relationship, you need to pursue that conversation. It’s part of that “work” everyone talks about that is required to keep a healthy relationship.

The Question : “Do you want to try new things?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “I want to know exactly how much of a pervert you are.”
Their advice :
Do NOT say threesomes. EVER. Say something quasi-naughty, but not depraved: suggest a schoolgirl outfit, or make reference to “role-playing” without specifically stating what roles you want each partner to play. Keep it vague, because it’s not like she’ll follow up on those desire anyway: after this question has been asked, your answer basically just serves as damage control.

My advice :
Agreed – NEVER say “threesome!”. Sorry to say, but the woman has to be the one to suggest that. Though, if you want to have a threesome w/her and another man, or you just want to watch her get pounded by another dude – you can probably let that out. She might not like it, but if that’s what your needs are, then you need to vocalize them. Depending on how long you’ve been together and what kind of woman she is, you MIGHT (and I stress MIGHT) be able to slip in “It’d be hot just to watch you and another woman work away at each other” but put an emphasis on “just wanna watch”. I doubt that’ll go over well, but again.. if that’s in your needs, you should probably express that at some point (when applicable and comfortable, of course. This is not first-month-of-dating conversation).

Beyond that, I really don’t know. Surprised as you may be to hear it, I don’t really have fetishes and things that are dirty and wrong that I’d be embarassed to talk about. I like tying women up, biting, blindfolding them, putting scorpions on their chest while they’re tied up and blindfolded, spanking, things like that. But I don’t usually sit and discuss that stuff – I just go about as far as I feel they’re comfortable with and I make sure they’re comfortable before, during and after I do it. I’m not here to fuck with people – I’m only as sadistic as they want me to be. And, yes, I’ve had the crazy bitches who wanted to get punched in the mouth when they get fucked anally – and I’ve done it, cause that’s what they asked for, explicitly.

I always hated this conversation anyway. With the last girlfriend I had (some 3+ years ago), I already knew what she wasn’t into – the afforementioned BDSM-style stuff. Beyond that, I just wanted to get a threesome going and I wasn’t about to suggest that. I would just say “I dunno… I got nothin’. You suggest something”.

The Question : “How come we don’t ________ anymore?”
What they consider the “real meaning” : “You’re getting boring, and I am going to cheat on you next week if you don’t do something interesting soon.”
Their advice :
At this point, the relationship is pretty much dead. You can either do something drastic like plan a vacation in Venice, but the novelty of such a diversion will wear off shortly after returning home. Your only two options are to ride out the misery for years and years simply because you have nowhere else to go (like my grandparents did), or to find a really dramatic way of permanently ending your relationship. My personal suggestion: wait until you’re positive that your girlfriend is cheating on you (which, statistically, she is cheating on you), and simply catch her in the act. You’ll finally get an excuse to yell all those obscenities at her you’ve been building up over the years. And the best part?
You’ll never have to answer one of these questions that aren’t really questions ever again.

My advice :
I don’t really agree that this is a be-all, end-all conversation. There’s a lot of things you “don’t do anymore” as a relationship goes on. For instance, in the beginning, you probably snuck away at a party to fuck in the bathroom. You probably don’t do that anymore. In the beginning, you probably talked on the phone a lot. You probably don’t do that anymore, either.

If it’s something simple like that – you can just answer honestly. And, you should. So she knows where your head is at.

However, if it’s truly something serious, like “how come we don’t have sex more than once a month anymore?” then it’s a serious disucssion, and she deserves a serious answer, and an honest one. If the honest answer is that you’re just not attracted to her anymore – you need to tell her that. Chances are the only reason you havent’ told her is cause you can’t handle the thought of some other guy gettin’ in there. And, that’s unfair to her – so knock that shit off and be honest w/the girl, will ya? If the answer is because of a sexual dysfunction or stress or just a general lack of interest that you don’t quite understand – you’ll want to discuss these things, too. You never know what she might suggest. Could even be a threesome.

Conclusion..
Look, it’s pretty simple. Sure, women have their silly double-meaning questions. But the road to take is the high one – of honesty, of expressing an indesire to have such questions hurled at you, things like that. It shows you’re not afraid to speak your mind, you’re not a whipped little bitch who cowers before this girl. If you cower before her – she’ll wonder how many other things in your life you’ll cower before. For instance, say you two decide to have children and she takes a year (or more) off of work. Now, you have the possibility of getting a promotion at your job, but you’re a big ol’ pussy and the promotion goes to someone with more balls. Now, you’re both struggling and on top of her worrying about the concerns of bearing a child, she’s worried about monthly bills. That’s some serious bullshit there. She needs to know you’ve got her back on things like that.

In extension to all of these things, if you’re dating neurotic, mind-gaming women who love to fuck with your head any chance they get – you’re in a toxic relationship and you need to get out of it. That shit’s not good for you, it’s not good for her, and you’re only hurting yourself by sticking around. Some people are “snacks”, some people are “meals”. Your job is to figure out which is which and NEVER mix and match the two. That goes for both men AND women.

Now – your thoughts?

Related posts:

1. In Response : More About Dr. Phil
2. Do People Change?
3. You Kinky Little Thing

I received an interesting comment on my post about Dr. Phil from a man named “Joe” from Chicago. I e-mailed him to inquire further about his disdain for Dr. Phil, hoping to elicit further response. What I got in return was a very well-worded, thorough criticism of the man and his methods. I present the text of that e-mail below for further discussion.

There are many reasons my anger goes above and beyond just the casual disgruntled watcher. To make a long story short, I am 27 and have gone through one tragedy after another (aka domino effect) – losing money, my jobs, my relationships, credit, living to the point where i had to come home and reattend college. It is overwhelming for me, even though I can pass for early 20s, to know that I am starting all over again and that a lot of the people in my age range have surpassed me somehow.

So when I see Dr. Phil shows where he criticizes even people in their early 20s for still living at home (and saying how they are too old, etc etc) and how they gotta do this and that or “hold 4 jobs if they have to”, I get very irked at the fact of how a man worth some 30 million dollars can just spurt out the perfect advice without touching on the other side of things.

He doesnt touch on the fact as I said above that if you on a huge pedastel and are worth millions of dollars with no financial difficulty, one can basically give any advice they please. He doesnt talk about how bad times and failures can happen, or what jobs pay out there (never does he talk about the minimum wage or the job market in any given USA area), he doesnt talk about how relationships can go sour (since he and his wife are the perfect couple, wonder if she’d still be with him if he was just a carpenter), and that it is very hard if not almost impossible for somebody to hold down “3 dead end jobs” while attending school full or even part time and making it on your own (living alone). He doesnt touch on one’s other responsibilities such as say your car payments/maintenance, doctor bills, credit cards, furnishings, etc etc etc.

He parades his son around as some huge sucess at 24 who is in law school and who has written 50 books, tho he doesnt explain how his son is basically where he is because of his father. He doesnt explain that he funded probably all of his sons education and probably his books too. Very few people are huge sucesses at 24 years old. But according to Dr. Phil, this is where I am you and every other American in that age range should be in life.

One episode really pissed me off when he had a lady in tears who was like 32 who had to come back home with her 3 kids (see my scenario above, only worse) and he insulted her and told her how she had to do this or that. However, NOT ONCE was a quintessential “common sense” type question brought to the table — of where her childrens father was — the person who theoretically represents 50% of the responsibility. I think the question or scenerio was avoided because the father of the kids was black, I am not a racist but you would think somebody as God-like as Dr. Phil likes to think of himself would ask “well where is the father in all of this.”

I could go on and on but again I am in the minority here. People eat this show up all over the country and have little common sense to know that Dr. Phil only gives HIS advice but rarely if ever touches base with ALL the sides of the story and ALL the related agendas.

Let me know what you think.

— Joe. Chicago, IL

Thank you for that, Joe.

I really wish I could do more to harm the reputation and career of the swollen-headed, bullshit-spewing, pompous, pretentious, cock-faced Dr. Phil. I’d love the opportunity to go on TV with him and have an intelligent, unbiased debate with him in front of a mixed panel (or no one at all – just cameras). I’d love to watch him try to weasel out of cold, hard facts, psychology texts, years of anthropological studies, and see if his bloated, redneck talk-box could withstand such an onslaught.

I’ve even got a friend who’s written a relationship guide for “real men” called How To Get Over That Bitch and Grow Balls They Can’t Resist, which not only tells the truth about relationship and women in a very direct, in-your-face manner, but also teaches men how not to lay down for every piece of tail with half a brain that comes along trying to control you. Dr. Phil would have us believe that we, as men, should lie down and take whatever women want to dish out. The Game Dr (Anthony Clark), as author of that book, believes wholeheartedly against that. I’m inclined to agree. Not just me, though, many men feel this way and rightfully so.

Some might argue “but why do you people care what Dr. Phil says? No one listens to him anyway”. Oh how I (and Joe, of course) would love to agree with you. The sad fact is – a lot of people actually do listen to that fuckin’ horse-fucker. Yeah, he fucks horses. I’ve got pictures. But I digress.

It’s not just that Dr. Phil gives 30-second, blanket-policy advice about subjects that require a lot more depth and investigation than Mr. Pompous Fatty cares to give them – it’s also that he’s demeaning to people all over the country simply because they’re… not him. That’s his basic policy. Do as Phil does – and you’re golden. Do otherwise, and you’re a fucking weak idiot, apparently. Lives of the people in this world, or even just in this country, have already been demeaned and generalized and condescended enough already – do we really need a fat, buck-toothed jackass coming along to tell us how wrong we are? No, we certainly fucking don’t.

Look, I’m all for trying to strengthen the resolve of people in this country. I’m all for better relationship advice, and stronger relationships for people in this country and the world-over. I’m all for (obviously) calling people on their weak arguments and making them put their proverbial money where their mouth is. But, I’m not about blanket statements, bullshit arguments, degrading “the little guy”, demeaning entire cultures or sexes and generally being a hypocritical sonofabitch simply to get more attention and ratings. I’m fighting for the little guy, if you will.

You’re not going to find an article on this site that demeans the hard-working people of this country, simply for doing what they have to do to get along in the world. I don’t make blanket statements (other than this one) unless I specifically note that something is, in fact, a “generally speaking” scenario. I should point out that I’m talking only about articles I’ve written and I’m well aware of other articles, for instance Bob’s generalizations about woman (of which I’ve personally told him are simply generalizations made about women over a bitchy ex-girlfriend he once had) that do make wild, unfair and ignorant generalizations. However, I’m keeping that article up, mostly for humor’s sake, cause it’s just so petty.

If you’ve got anything to add about Dr. Phil, any ideas to tarnish his grip on the under-informed citizens of America that are sadly being taken under his fuck-headed umbrella of horseshit, or any articles that can shed more light on how much of an asshole this guy is – please leave your comments below.

Related posts:

1. The Perfect Message to Online Daters
2. Tell Her the Truth! (and avoid those silly woman questions)
3. Cure for the Common Cold