As I see it, the love for horror movies boils down to one or more of the following :

1. We love/relate to the hero(es)
2. We love/relate to the villain(s)
3. We just want a demented laugh
4. We just want a good scare
5. We like being fucked with

Breaking that down, I’ll explain each reason and give examples where it’s been done well.

We love/relate to the main character(s)

I originally wanted to say “protagonist(s)” instead of “hero(es)”, but the “heroes” are rarely protagonists in horror films (and, frankly, rarely heroic – but let’s just go with it). Many times we’re watching the villain(s) go on a rampage against a group of characters that are the focus of a story and they’re just running around defending themselves. They’re not on a mission, per se, they’re just trying to stay alive. That would make the killer the protagonist. Sorry to be so pedantic, I’m the son of a drama teacher and it would feel wrong to not explain this distinction.

A vast majority of horror movies are working on the premise that you’ll want to root for the good guy, thereby making the bad guy seem scarier. After all, if you relate to a character in any story, you feel like whatever happens to them is happening to you. And, if you feel like you’re being chased, you’re going to be scared.

What pisses me off are shit-house horror flicks that rely on me relating to and liking the main character, but not making them anyone I give a shit about. This is either due to a lack of a proper backstory, or just cause there’s not enough character development to make them human and likable. This is why, to me, 30 days of Night sucked ass. I didn’t give a shit about the main characters. I didn’t know who they were, and they weren’t interesting/likable enough for me to give a shit.

If you’re not going to make your main characters likable or multi-dimensional enough, at least make the villain likable and amusing. Again, 30 days of Night failed at that, as well. It’s not the only one : Hostel 2, most of the Saw movies, the entire Blade franchise, and Underworld suffered as well (sure, sure, Kate Beckinsale was pretty neat – but she answered to some douchebag vampire gothbag, which made me question why she was listening to him in the first place, thereby making her character weak and dramatically lame).

Where has this been used to good effect? Here’s some brief examples.

The Descent – A group of rough-and-tough chicks (many of them also attractive, which helps), including a woman who’s child and husband are killed in the first 2 minutes of the movie. We watched them all having a grand old time right away, seeing how they live when they’re at the apex of life, and then we immediately see the frailty of happiness as her daughter and husband are killed instantaneously in a car crash. When the whole crew gets together, you can’t really find one amongst them that you don’t like. You might not love them all, but you certainly don’t despise any of them. As a further stroke of writing genius, each of them have flaws that make them multi-dimensional and you’re not entirely on the side of any single one of them, but you certainly don’t wish them harm. There’s a shitload of layers to this film, but the basics are this : you like these girls, and you want them to survive. What happens to them scares the shit out of you because you empathize.

Hostel – You’ve got 3 guys here. The geeky, introverted nice guy Josh. The suave, well-toned Paxton (whom you might not like at first, but come to realize pretty quick is just a young dude having fun, and he’s a really good friend) and the goofy-but-harmless foreigner Oli. Like The Descent, you’re not entirely on the side of any of them, but you don’t wish them harm. I thought the first Hostel was an amazing film, because you fucking hate everyone they come into contact with but you genuinely relate to and like those main characters. Again, you empathize so you’re frightened by what happens to them.

Alien/Aliens – Ripley fucking rules. That’s all there is to it. You have no empathy for giant, acid-spewing aliens – you just know they can fuck shit up. But if you don’t love Sigourney Weaver’s character in these films, I posit that you either hate women or you have no taste. That it takes place in an alien world adds to the scare because you don’t know the rules of the landscape – so really anything is possible. We’ll ignore the remainder of the Alien franchise for now.

Halloween – Don’t pretend you don’t love Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. This was especially scary for women, because she’s a babysitter and that strikes at the heart of a lot of teenage girls. Even though I only did a little babysitting in my teens (and mostly during the day, at that), I was scared for JLC. The remainder of the Halloween series focused on Michael Meyers, but (as we’ll explore later in this article) he didn’t have any personality to latch onto so… frankly, who gives a shit about him?

The Host – You’ve gotta love that whole family, really. They’re just regular people and your heart goes out to the deadbeat dad who wants a better life for his kids, but just can’t pull it together. What makes this story special is seeing him find an opportunity to prove his worth as a father, and because he’s so likable and goofy – we want him to succeed.

We love/relate to the villain(s)

This is what fucks up a lot of non-horror fans. But, frankly, I doubt they’ll ever “get it”. Making a likable villain is tricky. You need to make him/her/it tough enough to survive, but also give them vulnerabilities, quirks and/or a personality that make them kind of goofy and likable. The only way to properly explain this one is by example.

Nightmare on Elm Street – It could be argued that there were likable characters in the first NoES, and frankly that’s the only one of the series that follows a more traditional villain-chases-hero plotline. But, something interesting happened with this series that made it one of the better (and, in my personal opinion, best) horror franchises based on a common villain : Freddy Krueger is enjoyable. He cracks one-liners, he’s got a pretty lengthy backstory, he’s a scary monster but also human, and… let’s be honest, he’s got a pretty neat weapon. It also helps that he has really creative killing methods — almost none of which actually involve his built-in weaponry. Seriously… the forced-suicide-as-a-puppet killing in NoES : Dream Warrior? Genius!

Hellraiser – Like NoES, the first one is more like a classic horror flick. But, once Hellraiser 2 kicked off it quickly became all about Pinhead and the Cenobites. After that, it got into some campy-ass territory, sure, but I still enjoyed Pinhead’s killings and one-liners. I genuinely enjoyed Hellraiser : Bloodline, for instance, because of its heavy focus on Pinhead and making his lines so damned quotable. To wit..

and…

How do you not LOVE that shit?

Wishmaster – Ignore every Wishmaster flick after this one. The first one was a stroke of genius. Not only the creative kills (which go into another category I’ll explain in a moment), but everyone I’ve watched this movie with laughs out loud when the security guard says “Well, you’ll have to go through me. Which is something I’d just LOVE to see….” (because, you see, saying “I’d love to see..” is the same as “I wish…” to a genie).

We Just Want A Demented Laugh

This gets into the territory that, if you were the critical and holier-than-thou type, you might point at a horror fan and say “you’re a fucking psychopath”. But, frankly, I don’t think I need to defend my schaudenfreude here. Entertainment – specifically, fictional entertainment – is about fantasy. It’s not a stretch to say that likely most horror fans grew up (as I did) as outcast geeks, dreaming of all sorts of fucked-up death sentences against their oppressors. So, watching the douchebag jock get disemboweled by a chainsaw is an amusing site. This particular category of horror film is rarely malicious, though. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and the entertainment is from the sheer absurdity, as well as “ohhhman… I love how fucked up that was”. That’s one of those great feelings you get laughing at something you shouldn’t – and it’s something I explore a lot in my stand-up comedy. When asked to defend this style of humor.. I’m fucked. I got nothin’. I just figure if you “get it”, then you wouldn’t ask. If you don’t… you never will.

The trick to pulling off this style correctly is in being goofy about it. You should avoid going for insanely-fucked-up if you have a malicious intent of any kind. For instance, I laugh when my black friends tell me what’s commonly referred to as “nigger jokes”, but I’d be pretty fucking offended hearing the same joke from someone in the KKK.

Now, let’s get to the examples..

Dead Alive – If you haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s earlier work (Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, Dead Alive) then you really should. They’re insanely fucked up. And wonderful. I’ve always heard Dead Alive held a number of records – gallons of blood spilled, number of people shown slaughtered, most kills for under a given budget – but I’m not sure how many are true. The point is that when you watch a scrawny New Zealander take out hundreds of crazed zombie-like monsters with a modified lawnmower, you know you’ve hit paydirt. This movie provides so many “ohhh that’s horrible!” (while laughing your ass off) moments, it should get some kind of award.

Ichi The Killer – This is probably one of the most fucked-up films I’ve seen (though, I also have a copy of the banned Norwegian film “Revenge” which shows a real, human cadaver’s eyeball being scalpeled) and it’s something of a legend among horror fans. Those that have seen it will immediately tell you their favorite scene, those that have only heard about it from others will light up when they see it in your DVD collection, and those that have no idea what this movie is… well, you want to be careful when showing it to them. And make sure you keep a bucket handy in case they need to hurl.

Gremlins 1 & 2 – I honestly consider these movies to be close, in spirit, to Dead Alive. Just silly fun and mindless destruction. Most wouldn’t even consider Gremlins a horror flick – more like a comedy. But, they’re ostensibly horror. I don’t personally consider Dead Alive to be horror, either, but there’s too much gore for most people to consider it comedy. To put it another way : if marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin – Gremlins is the gateway drug to considering gore-horror a form of comedy.

We Just Want a Good Scare

Horror movies are supposed to be scary – at least, in theory. As shown above, oftentimes anything gory that doesn’t fit into any other category gets lumped into horror. And, frankly, that’s fine. Check out the Fangoria convention one of these days and you’ll see just about anything gory or campy-but-death-related being heralded. It’s a good time. Still, it’s kind of rare that a horror film is actually scary, given the broad definition of the genre. If you’re in for a scare, check out these examples…

The Shining – While some could consider 2001 a horror film for technophobes, no one denies that Kubrick’s film adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining was a horror film no matter which way you slice it. This is the first mention on the list because you don’t really relate to Jack’s introverted son Danny, you probably consider Shelley Duvall’s character Wendy Torrance to be a weak housewife character (cause, really, she doesn’t do anything except annoy Jack and wander around scared all the time), and Jack Torrance is by no means likable – he’s a drunk psychopath with severe anger management issues. All of that is fine, though. The villain here is unseen. It’s all mental. It’s cabin fever. Being snowblind. Paranoia. Ghosts. Dementia. All of the above. WIth no definitive villain or hero, you’re just watching a family descend into madness, lead by a frightening character who suffers those effects the greatest. Perhaps why it’s most frightening is that there’s no particularly good reason this couldn’t happen to any of us in the same situation.

Psycho – A classic, and for good reason. I won’t belabor the obvious and oft-repeated reasons why beyond this : it’s a story about a psychotic man who appears perfectly normal. That’s something that will forever scare the shit out of people, because it’s happened many times in real life (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Waynce Gacy were all well-respected in their towns).

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Tobe Hooper said he made this movie because reclusive, tight-knit families in the South scared the shit out of him. I think once TCM hit, many more people shared his fear. Again, you’re not relating to the “heroes” (main characters) of the film cause you know very little about them. And you sure don’t want to relate to or like the fucked-up family they encounter. So, the film is stuck either being a dumb gore-fest without merit or being frightening. Hooper didn’t put much gore in his version (watch it again and count the times you actually see blood), but there was plenty of creepy imagery and an overall unsettling vibe. A masterpiece, to be sure. Still scares the shit out of me and I was born in the outskirts of a small town in Texas!

House of 1000 Corpses – To me, this is Texas Chainsaw Massacre for today’s audience. To hell with the TCM remake – this is what needed to be done. All the things I said about TCM above also apply here (albeit a little subdued, simply cause I was quite a bit older when this came out).

1408 – I love John Cusack, so this might’ve slipped into the “love the main character” category, but they intentionally want you to dislike his character as a fluff-writing douchebag. I’m a sucker for a good ghost story and/or movie about someone losing their fucking marbles, so this isn’t entirely unlike The Shining. Not sure why it didn’t do as well in the theaters, as everyone I’ve shown this to (now that I have it on DVD) has fucking loved it.

We Like Being Fucked With

This doesn’t apply solely to horror films – there’s plenty of suspense/drama/thriller flicks that fit this category. But, something horror movies are able to accomplish outside of those genres that adds an interesting edge is that you’re forced to relate to and follow a character that is horrifying and disturbing. One movie I left out of the list below, because I’m not entirely sure it fits into the horror genre, is Hard Candy. In that film, Ellen Paige plays a young woman meeting a photographer at his home. At the beginning of the film, you get the impression that the photographer is kind of a creep. Then you get the impression that Ellen Paige’s character is a psychotic woman, taking advantage of a vulnerable man. But, they further fuck with you as the film goes on because you hate both characters but also relate to both characters. I still haven’t figured out who’s side I’m on in that film (and, having watched the DVD extras, the director feels the same way).

Anyway, here’s some fine examples

Silence of the Lambs – It’s hard not to love and relate to Clarice Starling. She’s the underdog, in a male-dominated field, constantly undermined because of her inexperience (and her gender) who’s out to do right and prove her worth. Meanwhile, she’s also the only one the FBI can rely on to extract information from their favorite man-on-the-inside serial killer Hannibal Lecter. As a viewer, you mostly only hear about what he’s done that’s so horrifying – all you really see for most of the film is how pleasant he is. Gentlemanly, polite, exceedingly intelligent… and, sure, a little rough around the edges, but it’s to be expected when he’s got all these people over the years trying to fuck with him. You, like Clarice, are charmed by him. Then, of course, we see the claws come out and we see him do some pretty unruly shit to people who don’t really deserve that wrath. So, it fucks with you. Are you really rooting for the law (and Clarice) in bringing him down? Or are you kind of hoping he’ll escape, because now you’re sort of on his side, despite the atrocities he continues to commit? It fucks with you, for sure. And they follow that up nicely with Hannibal (the following two films were prequels, and quite a load of shit at that).

American Psycho – This one fucks with you because it’s really hard to be on anyone’s side in this film. You certainly hate Patrick Bateman’s entire social circle and his girlfriend, and pretty much every single person he comes into contact with. They beat it into your head how vapid and shitty those people are. No one gives a fuck Bateman even exists, frankly, and you just wish they’d all get fucked. But… wait. We’re seeing this through the eyes of Bateman. And you don’t really like him, either. He’s also vapid, self-obsessed, paranoid, vain to an obsessive degree, and clearly psychotic. Is he also a killer? We never really find that out either. Part of me ended the film saying “well, if he just imagined it all – then he’s not so bad”, but… what if he imagined being told he didn’t kill anyone? Conversely, if he did only just imagine killing those people, does that really make him any more decent a person? Like I said, it fucks with you.

The Devil’s Rejects – You really want to hate the group of deranged killers that are the focus of this follow-up to House of 1000 Corpses, but Rob Zombie’s genius was in making you like them anyway. You’re not given much of a choice. They’re underdogs and outcasts. They’re kinda funny. They’re a tight-knit group that watches out for each other. They’re up against a scum-sucking lawman. Those are all traits that, given to any other character in any other film, would make you hoot and holler for them. But, here, you’re conflicted because these people are fucked up. And clearly need to be jailed. And beaten to death. That’s why the film works – you hate them and are being forced to root for them almost against your will. The final moments of this movie are just amazing. I hope one day I get to tell Rob Zombie how impressed I was with this flick. (and, full disclosure, I did already tell the whole cast how much I liked House of 1000 Corpses).

The Formula

So, all you budding horror directors out there, here’s the formula I’ve come up with..

If you want to make me root for the main character – give them a backstory, and make them likable.

If you fail at that (or it is not possible, given your cast and/or screenplay), then make the villain charismatic and humanizing in spite of their evil plans.

If neither of those apply, and you’re just going for gore – go all the fuck out and give me a reason to feel okay about watching that level of over-the-top gore, make it campy if you must (hell, Peter Jackson got handed the Lord of the Rings trilogy after a puppet-fuck movie and 2 indie gorefest orgies).

If you’re not looking to make an audience laugh, and you genuinely want to scare some people – make it realistic enough that I worry it might happen to me or someone I know.

If none of the above apply, or you just want to make a lasting impression, mix all of that shit into one film that gives everyone a “WTF?” feeling, but make it skirt the edge of all 4 points and you might work your way into cult status (and I’ll probably buy your DVD and blog about it).

Putting it all together

To me, the number one horror film of all time – the one that applies all five formulas into one amazing film is the original Dawn of the Dead. You’re rooting for the main characters because they’re comprised of a group of everyday people and amazing hero-types. None of them are 100% likable, but you can relate to each of them in some way. Even in the beginning, with no-name redneck characters hunting zombies for kicks, you feel a kinship of “wouldn’t that be kinda fun?”. The zombies are just goddamned funny, and they explain why you should relate to them (answer : because they’re just like you, they’re mindless consumers flocking to what comes natural) but they’re also scary as hell.

It’s at times gory in a funny/campy way, because of the various death sequences (choreographed by the brilliant Tom Savini – who learned all he needed to know about realistic gore from his time in the Vietnam War). It’s scary because, while you can outrun slow-moving zombies… where the fuck are you gonna go when the world is full of them? Finally, it fucks with you because all these elements come together with no actual crux, no actual plot, and no actual outcome. There’s no “happy ending”. It’s just a snapshot of an all-out zombie war and post-apocalyptic survival.

Funny side-story : I did an awards show with Ken Foree a few years back, and we went out for a smoke so I told him that I considered him one of the greatest horror movie heroes of all time and asked him what he thought of the Dawn of the Dead remake. As if he was a g’damn psychic, he laughed and said “Ahh man… if I say anything, that shit’s gonna end up all over the internet. ‘Ken Foree takes on the Dawn of the Dead remake….’ haha. Fuck that. But, seriously… those zombies move too damned fast. I think we did all we could do with the first one.. I don’t see the need for a remake, but… I didn’t hate it”.

Anyway, that’s how you make a fuckin’ horror movie. Just in case you were wondering.

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I told her that if I were to ask, say, anyone who would respond to such a question who would be included in a list of top 5 most important metal bands of all time, everyone would at least mention Iron Maiden.

To that end, I posted on Twitter (and by extension, Facebook) a question : “What would you consider the TOP FIVE MOST IMPORTANT METAL BANDS OF ALL TIME?”

Before I post the results, let me clarify some things :
1. “Most Important” doesn’t mean “bands you rocked out to more than any other”
2. This is strictly a “metal” list. Hard rock/Classic Rock/Industrial doesn’t count.
3. Album sales definitely have an impact on importance but, for instance, Slipknot’s album sales will NEVER mean shit to oldschool metalheads. And, frankly, they shouldn’t. Slipknot sucks. Get over it.

The List

Here, then, is the full list of bands (in alphabetical order) that were suggested as “most important ever”, in parenthesis is the percentage of times the band was included in people’s answers. If you see a “*”, that means a special note.

• AC/DC (40%)
• Black Sabbath (100%)
• Deep Purple (1%)*
• Gwar (1%)*
• Iron Maiden (98%)*
• Judas Priest (27%)
• KISS (20%)
• Led Zeppelin (60%)
• Mayhem | (1%)*
• Metallica (65%)
• Motley Crue (30%)
• Motorhead (20%)
• Pantera (35%)
• Possessed (1%)*
• Slayer (40%)
• Throbbing Gristle(1%)*
• Tool (5%)
• Venom (1%)*

Deep Purple = Suggested by one voter. Not sure that even counts as “metal”, but included for prosperity.

Gwar = Also suggested by one person. Though I love Gwar, I don’t think they are/were “important to metal”.

Venom, Mayhem, Possessed = All suggested by Shane Bugbee. Amazing and wonderful motherfucker. You should take a moment to vote for him to give a speech at SXSW by clicking here because the story of how he produced an underground documentary about America on zero budget is astonishing — and I say that as a personal friend AND a fan of his.

Iron Maiden = Technically, Iron Maiden got 100% of the vote (along with Black Sabbath), but two people voted twice by coming back later to include Iron Maiden. I’m guessing they saw other people’s comments and added Maiden after the fact.0

Throbbing Gristle = One person voted for this band. In a list of “Top 5 most important INDUSTRIAL bands”, I’d expect this. But they had zero impact on metal. That person conceded as much, and said “okay…. Motley Crue, then” as their 5th choice.

My “top 5″ List

Honestly, I’m trying to stay as unbiased as I can. But, I’ll give my “top 5 most important” and explain why they made it while others didn’t.

Black Sabbath
Does this really need an explanation? 100% of people who heard “important metal” listed Black Sabbath. WIthout question, they are the most important metal band of all time, and are easily in the top 10 for most important bands of all time, regardless of genre. Am I the only one that finds it fascinating that they’re also the only successful band from the late 60s whose original members are all still alive? This includes Ozzy, who apparently was so bored snorting every drug known to man that he even snorted fucking ants. That he’s still alive says to me that he and Satan are close friends. Or that Sharon is Satan’s daughter and she keeps telling her dad that “he’s actually a really nice guy” and he can’t bear to break his little daughter’s heart by killing Ozzy.

Iron Maiden
Take a listen to Killers and you’ll hear the end of punk progressing into the beginning of speed metal. When Bruce Dickinson took the helm as a vocalist, it’s almost as if he introduced the very concept of higher-pitched vocals for metal. That they’ve consistently released albums for almost 25 years speaks to their importance. Surprisingly, they’ve also never sold out to some new genre/style that was popular at the time, either. My personal favorite album of theirs is Seventh Son of a Seventh Son and I can still hear traces of it in A Matter of Life and Death. This might explain why they’ve managed to sell over 70 million records.

Metallica
You can safely ignore everything that happened after …And Justice For All and you’d still have 4 of the greatest albums ever released to the world of metal (or, up-for-debate, across any genre). In fact, what made their self-titled “black album” so upsetting for us longtime fans was that they just got amazingly better throughout each album. To top Justice would’ve been an amazing feat, so I can’t say I’m surprised they didn’t accomplish that goal. As far as I’m concerned, they all died in a terrible accident just after that album and were replaced with clones who looked identical, but had almost none of the talent of their original donors. Still, you can’t underestimate the fact that they’ve sold over 100 million records.

Slayer
I’ll admit – I’m not a big fan of Slayer. But I’d be an asshole and a liar to ignore their impact on the world of metal. They’ve consistently been harder and faster than almost any band out there and they’ve stuck to a formula that works and gets the fans in a whirlwhind throughout the last 28 years, spanning 10 studio albums and 2 live albums totalling roughly 10 million album sales.

Pantera
As far as I’m concerned – the aforementioned 4 bands are mandatory. Whoever you pick as the fifth is just personal opinion. And, in my personal opinion, Pantera was immensely important. They kept the metal scene alive when bands were under-selling, over-producing, and just generally dropping the ball, while shit-ass “neu metal” acts stole the spotlight with mediocre attempts at compiling the masses. I’m looking at you, Slipknot (who, for the record, still sucks), POD (who sucks even worse because they’re metal for Jesus. Umm.. that’s illegal in the metal world, you fuckin’ pansies) and Limp Bizkit (don’t even get me started on these panty-wastes). I also maintain that Great Southern Trendkill is as hard and fast as metal is allowed to go before you’re just singing along to the lead guitarist to prove a point. That theory was proved when even Pantera themselves had to slow down for their lackluster follow-up album Reinventing The Steel (an album that was “too little, too late” as far as I’m concerned). This is also the time to say that while I would love to see a reunion tour, this is one of the few bands that I doubt could ever make it happen not because of the death of their lead singer. To me, Pantera was a whole unit and there’s no way they could kick your face in without Dimebag (or, frankly, any other member of the band). But, it bears repeating – Dimebag Darrell was one of the greatest guitarists in history and arguably the greatest metal guitarist of all time.

Further Thoughts

I was surprised no one mentioned Anthrax, Guns N Roses, or Megadeth. While I wouldn’t personally include any of them in the “top 5 most important ever” list – I can’t say they wouldn’t all easily fit into the top 10. Hell, I’d question the sanity of anyone who wouldn’t place them all in the top 10.

As for Led Zeppelin – I don’t really consider them metal. Hard rock? Sure. Classic Rock? Definitely. But, while I have no doubt they made an influence on a great many metal bands (and by extension, metal fans), I don’t feel right including them in the genre of “metal”. Moreover, every band since the 1950s seems to point to The Beatles as an influence, but I wouldn’t include them in a list of Top 5 Jazz Bands, either.

I’m sure this list will offend a great many people, and I welcome any reponses – but, please take a moment to explain WHY it offended you. It’s only fair.

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It seems TEH INTARWEBZ are all a flutter (can’t say all atwitter anymore, thx you guys) about concept art and imagery released to build up the hype machine surround Tim Burton’s “re-imagining” of Alice in Wonderland. While many are excited, I feel an equal mix of worry, anger, disappointment and confusion.

Why confusion? Well, it seems to me that many of you have forgotten how many times Tim Burton has smeared fecal matter on celluloid and you’re ready for him to fuck you in eye sockets yet again. How lovely. Maybe that’s his secret appeal, though. Maybe that’s why studios continue to give him money. Call it artistic amnesia if you will. Sure, he’s always had intense and amazing visuals in his films (this is to his credit), but maybe some of you let that cloud your memory banks and you wake up the next day only remembering his dream-like dark worlds and little else. Not unlike the time your uncle touched your bathing suit area, and you don’t even think about it anymore and would sooner pretend it never happened until… well, some asshole like me brings it up.

Sorry about that. You wanna show me on the doll wher…. nevermind. Let’s just move on.

To cure a small corner of the internet of this artistic amnesia it seems to be suffering, let’s take a quick walk through Tim Burton’s cinematic guano[2].

I’m leaving out Ed Wood and Mars Attacks because, while not exactly “great cinema”, I can appreciate that the dude was having campy fun with shit no one cares enough about to protest. And, hey, they’re not too shabby.

Sleepy Hollow

To me, this is the high-water mark from which you can see his movies slip further into unwatchable crap. At the time he was making this film, he stood atop a grand mountain. High up there, sitting on the success of Edward Scissorhands, BeetleJuice, Nightmare Before Christmas, 2 Batman films, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure .. and, hell, even James and the Giant Peach to some degree, he must’ve sat and thought “From way up here.. I can shit on a lot more people’s heads”.

And so he did. And he did it by taking one of my favorite childhood short stories (and probably many of yours) and turning it into some film student’s half-assed attempt to put way too much fucking thought into something so simple. You’ve got a headless fucking horseman! And Johnny Depp! And millions of dollars budgeted! And a beloved tale! And…. you turned it into an episode of Scooby fucking Doo?

If you don’t remember the plot, here it is :
Johnny Depp is an investigator from New York sent to Sleepy Hollow to look into some beheadings. He doesn’t believe in ghosts and ghouls (how fucking original), so he sets out to solve the case with SCIENCE! Alas, science doesn’t win cause an evil witch stole the skull of the headless horseman (not sure how one manages that feat, but hey… she’s a witch!) and she commands the horseman to, ya know, go forth and do her bidding. Johnny Depp gets the skull back, gives it the horseman and he drags the witch to hell. That’ll show her!

Planet of the Apes

Seriously? Fucking SERIOUSLY? Now, I know you younger kids like your movies action-packed and all that backstory and endless dialogue really chaps your hide (what do you kids wear on your hides these days? girl jeans, right? Pussies.), but there’s a pretty important element in the original POTA. You see, the humans are treated BY APES the way apes are (ostensibly, and for the time the movie was released) treated BY HUMANS. To the apes, humans are morons. They’ve not the capacity to speak, or think grandiose thoughts, or… barely even wipe their asses. They are kept in cages because, as the apes long ago learned, humans do some pretty unruly shit. This is why the scene where Charlton Heston says “get your hands off me, you damned dirty apes” is such a big deal. No, it wasn’t the usage of “damn”, but it’s .. “HOLY SHIT! THE HUMANS CAN TALK!” and suddenly it fucks up their whole society cause they always thought humans were complete fucking morons. That they could talk unravels the very fabric of their reality.

In Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, the humans are talking the whole time. They’re just, for no discernible reason, being treated like shit by some kind of super-human (well, super-monkey, I guess) apes. No rhyme, no reason. No backstory. No big revelation. Just “hey, we can jump 40 feet in the air! We’re so much better than those humans. We should, like, take over shit”. Ooga booga.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Here’s TIm Burton, reaching far back into the recesses of my mind where everything I hold dear from my childhood hides out, hoping no one will get to them and.. he just smacked it around like a little bitch and tried fucking it in the ear. Probably took photos, too, the sick fuck.

I’m not going to go into great detail on why this remake was not only unnecessary, but also near-insulting to fans of the original. Once again, however, we have quite a lack of backstory on the children. The importance of the golden ticket isn’t played up NEARLY as much as it should’ve been — and the humor behind the world’s search for said tickets in the original is one of the greatest moments in the history of cinema. In Tim Burton’s version? A few minutes here and there, with some fucked up fascination Burton seems to have with proper dental care. His Willy Wonka also has some deep-seated daddy issues that made him basically run the factory just to piss off his daddy. Thanks, Burton. That’s a WAY better story. Oh, and he also left out all my favorite fucked-up shit going on in the original[3]. That shit’s character-building, motherfucker.

Sweeney Todd

I don’t know anything about the original musical. The few people I’ve known that did, however, have said the movie adaptation was mostly a pile of campy shit. The female amongst them added the obligatory “…but Johnny Depp wielding a straight razor made me wet”[4]. I’m not in a position of knowledge on the comparison, but I can say I left the theatre thinking “gosh… I sure wish I’d have used that 2 hours watching my dick wiggle instead”.

A hope, and a Plea

Admittedly, I have enjoyed quite a lot of Tim Burton’s work. I’m still on the fence about Batman Returns, but I own it and I’ve watched it.. maybe twice in my life. It’s decent. Though, compared to Nolan’s rebooted versions, neither of Burton’s originals are worth a shit. But then, I also have a soft spot for Michael Keaton cause he was Mister fucking Mom!

My hope in writing this is to remind everyone that Tim Burton has done a LOT wrong, and if he were anyone else, I’d half expect some angry nerd to have lit his house on fire by now (this is not a plea, it is a joke. Don’t burn anyone’s house down, least of all Tim Burton’s).

And, Mr. Burton, for the love of all things once wonderful and sacred PLEASE don’t fuck this shit up. I won’t be seeing it in the theatres anyway, cause I only let people piss in my eyes so many times before I learn to say “no” when they ask if I “want another drink there, big fella?”. But when I pirate the fucker, I might one day consider buying the DVD if it’s not as full of suck as I’m betting a shiny angry fist it will be.

Quick Notes

1. Julene told me to write this. Read her blog, too. She’s funny. And she shows her tits on there a lot.
2. Guano is bat dung. Yes, I’m aware of the irony. We call this “humor”.
3. You can see what I mean right here
4. Hey ladies – I use a straight razor, too. I’m no Johnny Depp, but uhh.. I have a lot of his DVDs.

Related posts:

1. Getting In Before Blasphemy Day
2. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
3. Hi, I’m a jackass. Er.. geek. Designer geek.

Well, boy howdy is it ever your lucky day..

BREEDS
written and directed by Jade Hollingsworth
starring Rev. Mitcz and Chris Loop

CLICK HERE AND WATCH IT NOW

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1. Dustin’ off the Keys for an Update
2. Goodbye, 20s.
3. A Few Random Updates

What you need to do is find yourself a local indie theatre, that plays smaller, hard-to-find indie films. Check if they’re playing “Shortbus”. You can do a search in your area for the movie from this search on MovieTickets.com. Thankfully, I have the Laemmle Sunset 5 down the street, and was able to catch it.

It’s a film by John Cameron Mitchell – the star/writer/director of “Hedwig & the Angry Inch”. I heard about the making of his latest film something like 4-5 years ago. There was an interview w/him on Nerve.com where he said he wanted to tell personal stories of sexuality, intimacy and relationships without concerns for ratings or “going too far”. Basically, thoughtful porn if you will. His friends said it was the worst idea ever, and it would bury him.

The movie has no rating. He didn’t even bother to submit it to the ratings board. It’s just that hardcore. Thing is, you realize in the first 45 seconds what you’re in for as you watch a naked man videotape a close-up shot of him peeing in the bathtub. You realize right then “okay, there’s no holds barred in this flick”. From there, it goes on to tell a pretty sordid and complex tale. It says a lot about you, however, if you can’t get past the nudity and explicit sex to truly enjoy the film itself. That’s partially why I went – just to see how I would handle such a thing. People often think that if there were XXX-style sex in a movie, everything else about the film would be overshadowed. See this movie, and you’ll get your answer to that theory.

If you’re at all adverse to gay sex, sexuality, erect penises, vaginal secretions, swing culture, etc. then you’re probably going to want to avoid this film. If the thought of three guys having a threesome wherein one of the guys is singing the National Anthem into another one’s asshole while doing the “rusty trombone” maneuver and everyone’s sucking and jerking each other off in full close-up, porn-style fashion – you might want to avoid the film.

However, if you have an open mind and you want to see someone truly make a movie that makes no apologies and breaks more taboos than you’ve likely ever seen before (in non-XXX cinema, anyway) then you’ll enjoy the film.

As an amusing afterthought, being pretty overwhelmed by the sheer joy of the finale scene, I walked out of the theatre and ran into an old friend of mine. He and his fiance invited me to a swingers party on Saturday. In the past, I’ve turned such offers down. But, having just seen “Shortbus”, I realized.. I need to get out more. I told him to count me in, but that I’d likely just stand around and watch and be fascinated.

Don’t worry. I’ll blog about that, too ;)

Related posts:

1. Breeds : the Mitcz indie film debut
2. Eyebrow Rockin’ Super Hits!
3. In Which I Explain Horror Movies

Thankfully, I live about 1/2 mile walking distance from the place I needed to be, so I only needed to be awake enough to drag my feet.

Arriving, I saw Crazy J and our producer Kevin chillin’ outside the shop. I met our two cameramen for the day (Tom and Joe). And, the still Photographer – Khari (pronounced “Car – ee”). The line was already about 100 people long.

J had this hair-brained (as usual) idea that he should run along the side of the line, holding out his hand so as to “low-five” everyone in the crowd as he ran past. Getting the “audience” to participate wasn’t the hair-brained part of this idea, and I’ll admit that it was a mild stroke of genius to involve them in any way whatsoever. Hair-brained came in because at the end, he wanted to “high five” me w/both hands, and then jump around.

Did I mention I was still half-awake, sucking on cigarettes like they were the Great Mother Teet of the day? (which they were)

J came running down the line, as expected. The people held out their hands, as expected. He slapped fives on each, as expected. He reached the end of the line, as expected. And, there I stood, arms up and ready for a double-handed-high-fiving, as expected. He jumped and we connected, and I fell backwards and flipped over myself after landing on my ass, rolled over a second time and pushed myself back up .. attempting to make this look at least semi-intentional, or at least professional. Ya know, as expected.

We went at it a 2nd and 3rd time (3rd time just for a “close-up”). I really hope that was worth a sore bum at 11 o’ clock in the fucking morning.

J busted into his intro shortly thereafter, and blew my fucking eardrums with his yelling. That guy really is crazy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you can scream and yell “CRAZY J’S METAL MAAAAAYHEEEEEEEEEM” at 11 o’ clock on a July morning in Southern California.. well, you’re fucking insane. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Had my energy needed to carry that crowd.. they’d have fallen asleep.

A bit later, we split up into 2 groups. Tom, Khari and myself were one crew – while J, Kevin, and the other camera guy formed another crew. Their crew got to go inside, where the air conditioned space and the snacks (and the snack girl… rrrrrawrrr – more on her later) kept them cool, calm, collected, comfortable and probably another “c” word, as well.

Our crew, Crew Badass – as I named us just now when I wrote this sentence – toughed it out in the increasingly sweltering heat, out there amongst the fans. The people who make it all happen. Er.. watch it all happen. Whatever. They were people, that’s the point.

We tried to pick interesting characters, people who looked like they had something to say, and/or just whoever stumbled into our path. I’ll admit it was a slow start for me, I had trouble coming up w/decent questions, but after a few people were out of the way I was starting to feel the spunk. Not the man-spunk, mind you, that’s a different story altogether and I ramble enough as it is.

My hope for the day, as I’m somehow unfairly cast as the resident hornball, was to find at least one or two attractive women to impress with my manly interviewing skills. While this most certainly didn’t happen, it was a fun goal to shoot for, and it may have provided for some amusing antics on-camera at times.

The secondary goal was just to kick ass, find crazy people, get some funny shit on camera, and have fun. The secondary goal quickly became primary, and I say it was a goal achieved in spades.

I don’t know yet what they’ll show and what they’ll cut from the hours of footage we gathered that afternoon, so I can’t be sure what you’ll see – but I’ll highlight some of my fave outside interviews..

“The Burlesque Dancer” – J found this crazy old codger (that means “old man”) who seemed to not really know where the fuck he was, but he loved being there. He said something about dancing, and that’s all I could catch from behind J, so I said “give me an interpretive dance, to describe how you’re feeling right now“. He did. I love it when people perform on-cue. Makes my day.

“The Ambiguously-Drugged Insane Fan” – Some nutcase was hanging out near the back of the line with chicken bones in his hat and he called himself “Rabbit”. Figuring he was taking his moniker from Ho1KC, I said “run rabbit run” and he started… quoting the movie. He was quite proud of his chicken bones. I suspect this kid was about 5 bong rips and a crack pipe into the day, he attempted to convince me otherwise. This kid is my anti-drug. No, that’s not true, I still love drugs.. I just won’t do them w/people who look like this guy.

“The Lifelong Fan” – This very elderly woman, who looked very happy to be out in the sun waiting in line to meet cult-movie-stars, was of much intrigue to me. I’m not saying that facetiously, or with judgment – this was a cool lady. Makes me wish my grandma was all into horror like she was. She had some good shit to say, made me feel good about the horror genre – like it had a greater purpose. My moment of hippie love was ended abruptly, as I still wanna smack J for coming out of nowhere and yelling “I’ll bet you like the Partridge Family, huh?” thereby killing our chances at furthering an interview with her.

“The Family That Watches the Slayings Together..” – A tattoo artist (who “specializes in evil shit”, my kinda tat artist), his wife, and their 2 kids, waited in line to meet the cast and crew. I might be a one-night-man for most of my life, but I still shed a happy tear on the inside for a family that kicks this much ass. Gives me hope, I guess.

We finally headed inside around 1:30. I didn’t know what to expect, but the scene inside wasn’t as hectic as I thought it would be. Pretty tame, nothing out of the ordinary. Again, not what I expected at a cult horror movie cast-and-crew signing. I don’t wanna say I had hoped for at least one “could you sign this severed body part and don’t ask questions” fan, but… well, it would’ve been nice to see one.

The first interview was with the shop owner, Eric Caidin. I still can’t thank him enough for giving us EXCLUSIVE coverage of this event. It might not seem like much, but I think it rules to come in at the last minute as a DIY crew (we got permission the old fashioned way, by just asking – no lawyers, no agents, no contacting of movie studios) and be the only media reps in sight. I don’t remember much of the interview cause I was just taking in all of the shit in the store and my eyes kept wandering. If you see that clip, you’ll notice I looked at the guy for all of about 10 seconds.

After an impromptu interview w/the film’s composer (I hadn’t expected to be allowed to interview cast/crew while they sat there, so I was hesitant to respond to his calling us over to talk w/him) – we made our way to the back area where most of the remaining crew were still sat.

I was leaning on the counter, and I saw in the corner of my eye a gigantic man sitting in a chair. Even sitting down, motherfucker was bigger than me. I looked down at the counter and saw that it was Matthew McGrory. For those that don’t know – he played “The Giant” in Burton’s “Big Fish”. Uhh… yeah, he’s a scary motherfucker. 7′6″ of scary motherfucker. And, that voice? Not a digital effect. Dude actually sounds like a vinyl record recording of the devil being spun at 12rpm. I told him that. I thought it was funny at the time, along with “tell me – does Ewan McGregor suck as an actor?” – but when you’re staring at 7′6″ dude and he looks back without so much as a half-smile, whilst his voice makes your bones shake.. you suddenly forget about being funny and start to wonder if you brought any T.P. with you, cause you’re gonna need it. I asked a bit more serious question – about what he enjoyed about filming TDR, shook his hand, thanked him for the interview and moved on before he ate me alive.

Looking over to my right, I just saw cleavage. Then blonde hair. Khari pointed out that we’d been spotted by the cleavage and blonde hair, and suggested we at least engage the woman in conversation. It was none other than E.G. Daily. Her first line was “ya know, if I were lying down with you, I worry that the spike in your forehead would poke me”. I said “actually, it moves to the side if you push it but more importantly, you were over here thinking about lying in bed with me, probably post-sex”. She admitted. On camera. I rule for that. We stood and talked w/her for a bit, she did an impression of Tommy (Rugrats) discussing my vertical bridge (the “forehead piercing”) and we moved on. Not before I looked at her cleavage again, of course.

The highlight, for me, was getting the chance to sit and chill out with Sid Haig. I knew J was in there earlier, and didn’t wanna bug ol’ Sid with the same-old-same-old, but he was fuckin’ cool. He said “look, man, ask me the same shit and I’ll give you different answers – it’s alright!”. That’s a fuckin’ trouper, right there. I admitted to him that I wasn’t entirely familiar with his body of work (I’d rather admit faults than come off phony), but that I had a LOT of respect for him – as a person, who without security of any kind decided to walk out amongst the fans and shake hands whilst everyone waited in line, a very cool move, I say – and of course, his work. I asked him about crazy fans, which he was all too happy to tell us about. This clip will almost certainly make it (or will have already made it by the time you read this) onto the show. It’s a great little story, from a great fuckin’ guy.

And last but not least… Snack Girl. Ohhhh she wasn’t in the movie, no. But she was in a different kinda movie.. in my head. Ya know, the kind w/the soundtrack that uses wah-wah pedals. And the actors don’t “act” so much as… nevermind, you get the idea. Umm… she was all kinds of hot. Traipsin’ around, shakin’ her hips, and offering snacks to everyone. Great interview. I don’t know what she said, but.. great interview. Too bad her boyfriend ran the door. I totally could’ve almost had a chance at being rejected by her. But, alas, boyfriends (at least, when they’re standing 10 feet away) are a “no-fly-zone” for the Mitcz.

That about wraps it up, really. I’d write a novel about it if I could (cause I talk and write like a crackhead with a nifty story) – but this has probably been exhaustive enough.

All in all, I had a fuckin’ blast. The fans were great, the shop owners (and workers) were very hospitable, and cool, and the cast/crew were all very very cool to us – despite our hanging around for a combined 4 hours. I really hope we can cover events like these more often, I fuckin’ love it. Yeah, it’s even worth dragging my zombie-like ass out of bed at 10:30 in the goddamn morning to stand out in the goddamn heat for. I mean that sincerely.

Oh and snack girl… if duder ever cheats on you or anything and you need someone to.. ya know, feel your pain and “just talk to”.. you know where to find me. RevMitcz.com baby!

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1. My Life As An Extra : Part 2
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Finally got around to seeing Episode III : Revenge of the Sith today. I know, I’m a late-bloomer in that sense. I broke a 22 year tradition, by not seeing it on opening day. I really didn’t care that much, honestly. I just hoped it wouldn’t suck real bad. It uh.. well, it didn’t suck real bad. Just wasn’t “all that” really. That having been said, I have a list here of things I wanted to point out with Episode III, and.. really, this entire prequel. Join me, won’t you?

CON : The Accents

This has pretty much always been a point of contention with me and these new movies. I know in the “original” Star Wars, we all let it slide that some of the actors had British accents, despite there being no Great Britain in space. Fine. Whatever. I’ll let that slide.

From the first 5 minutes of Episode I, I cringed when those damned Viceroy fuckers popped up with accents akin to Japanese businessmen. I don’t have issues w/the Japanese, mind you, I just don’t understand why you would give an accent to a character in space. An earthly accent, at that. I mean, sure, in space they can’t all speak the same language, and often times there are subtitles used. But when have we ever seen these guys speak Japanese? Or.. anything even remotely similar to Japanese that would explain the accents? Nothing explains them. It was clearly a ploy to give more variation between characters. I call “hogwash” on that.

General Grievous has a weird pseudo-spanish accent.
The Viceroy has a Japanese Businessman accent.
Darth Vader, despite being as American as Apple Pie in his voice when still Anakin, comes out British.
The Emperor is (at most times) British.
That Watto fella in the first one has a grungy Italian-esque accent.

My point is that the accents detract rather than add to the film. In Episodes IV-VI, we pretty much got American or British accents. Any deviation from that required subtitles. Cool by me. Fuck all this earthly-accent shit.

CON : The Shitty Acting

Is Hayden Christensen really the best you could do, Lucas? Was he really the perfect guy for the part? I remember when I saw that Episode I poster, of wee little Anakin standing in the shadow of Vader’s cape.. I thought “ohh this is gonna be good”. As much as I despised the horrendous acting work of Jake Lloyd, I was willing to just forget about it cause.. well, he’s a kid, and I’ll let that shit slide. But Hayden’s a full-grown human. I really wanted to like the guy, ya know? Really just feel his pain and torment and see his plight and be like “Go, man! Go!”. I found myself, along with many other people, just fuckin’ despising the little prick. I know Lucas says he hates when people fall in love w/the “bad guys” (the reason he cited for killing off the beloved Darth Maul in Phantom Menace) – but wasn’t the point of Anakin/Vader to really feel the plight of the “Chosen One” and really feel his struggles, and be right there with him? Well, I wasn’t. I just kept thinking “oh for fuck’s sake Anny.. stop whining!”

Don’t get me started on that two-bit Ewan McGregor, either. Sir Alec Guinness would be ashamed. Again, a character I really wanted to like but.. I just couldn’t do it. From the moment I heard him say with a half-smile in Episode I “They’re going to come over here, find us, and blow us all to pieces”, I’ve been anti-Ewan. I never realized how bad of an actor he was until that line. Then I just couldn’t ignore it as it got progressively worst. To his credit, however, he was marginally better in Sith and certainly better than Christensen but I still didn’t like the guy.

Again, Lucas, is this really the best you could do?

CON : The Timing

I really think a majority of EP2 could’ve been better spent setting up a lot of the shit in EP3. I know personally, I could’ve done without the Anakin/Padme “frolicking in the field” bullshit entirely. Sure, I get it.. they’re in love, it’s all happy and wonderful, bla bla bla.. but we pretty much got that Leia and Solo were way into each other without ever showing him puss-out and say lines like “you’re so beautiful to me because I’m just so in love”. Thanks. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit there.

My friend tells me that EP3 was originally written for about a 4.5 hour movie. I don’t know that I could sit through 4 1/2 hours of this shit, but it makes sense. I mean, Anakin doesn’t “turn” until at least 3/4 of the way into the movie, and his change from “I follow the ways of the force” to “I’m going to kill all these padawan(sp?) children” happens in a matter of minutes.

It’s almost comical to me, when he kills Mace Windu for trying to defeat, overthrow, and kill Darth Sidious/The Emperor/Senator Palpatine (btw, pick a fuckin’ name, will ya?) – he immediately listens to this long list of demands that Sidious has for him. “Okay, now that you’ve killed that guy, why don’t you hunt down and kill anything that moves at the Jedi Council, then track down and kill everyone on the Trade Federation ship, then kill your buddy Obi Wan Kenobi, then report back to me and we’ll save wifey Amidala. Sound good?” – “Yeah, sure boss”.

That whole thing just seemed way too quick, and forcibly contrived. Made me think “what a shabbily contrived plot this is”.

CON : The Lack of Solo

Now, yeah, I know Solo doesn’t come into the picture for some 20+ years or so, and Harrison Ford’s a bit old to play a young Solo (and I don’t know that I’d trust Lucas’s casting ability for that role anyway) but where was the “fuck the force, I’m a bad mothafucka” guy? Hmmm? Hell, maybe just one cocky Jedi, like those hip cop films? Ya know, like Beverly Hills Jedi, or some shit?

Just give me one cocky bastard that isn’t so serious all the time that he speaks in prose and I’m happy. But, nope, no love in that department apparently.

CON : Needing to Geek Out

I shouldn’t need to see some obscure Cartoon Network cartoon to find out that Gen. Grievous is formerly human, or that those lightsabers around his belt are the trophies he collects for all the Jedi he’s slain. I shouldn’t need to read up on random shit online to find out that in EP1, the Gungans make everything out of organic materials – hence why some huge fish tries to eat their ship. I could go on and on about shit I found out either before or after each of the prequels that seemed to be somewhat integral to certain characters or the plot, but were nowhere to be found in the movie.

Look, if I’m gonna geek out and discover shit on my own that really doesn’t matter, okay fine. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that a vast majority of IV thru VI included characters and situations that were either self-explanatory (like, did anyone need to know Vader’s history to think “That’s one powerful, mean, scary motherfucker”?) or were explained during the movie (take stories about Jabba the Hut and the Sarlaac Pit).

CON: Good Bad Guys

Let’s review the classics :

Darth Vader – Pure evil badass. Chokes motherfuckers that talk back.

The Emperor (circa IV thru VI) – Badass, evil, unrelenting.

Boba Fett – Okay, not as badass as all that, but mysteriously badass, anyway.

Jabba The Hutt – Just cocky, really.

Everyone in the Cantina – Goes without saying. Hanging out in the Cantina made you badass. That’s where they found Solo, ain’t it? Case rested.

Grand Moff Tarkin – No special powers. Nothing Jedi about him. Just a complete asshole that somehow got Vader to listen to him. Fear the widow’s peak!

The Robots – Few of them spoke. When they did, it was just to cut you off. They had a job. They did it. They didn’t give a fuck beyond that.

And the New Guys :
Darth Maul – Badass looking. Best bo-stickin’ lightsaber fighter ever. And horns? Hell yes. But apparently he doesn’t know the old “slice your waist in half while you hold your saber in the air” trick.

Count Dooku – He looks like a crotchety old High School English teacher. Fights like a bitch. Doesn’t even sound evil. And that name? Dooku? Sounds like something I just stepped in.

The Emperor – Once he’s all.. ya know, like “Emperor Like”, he’s not nearly as maniacally evil as he was in IV thru VI. Where’s th echoing, cackling laughter, for instance? I’m sure this could be explained by the combined bitterness of 60+ years of fucking with those damn Jedi bastards, so I guess I’ll let it slide.

General Grievous – Weak-sauce. I heard his fight with Obi-Wan was supposed to be all the shit. Um.. no. It was cool for about 10 seconds, then it just got lame. *yawn*. Bring me someone who can actually fight – or actually *ahem* kill a few motherfuckers first, so I can see how badass they are first, hmm? And, yeah, I get that he was once human.. err.. alien.. whatever, he was non-robotic. But was he dying or something? Why all the coughing? Pussy.

The Robots – They actually say “huh?” and “hmm..” and have like.. dialogue and thought? They sit around talking? What the fuck? Fuck the new robots.

CON : A Random List of Things I Could Do Without

Darth Vader yelling “Nooooooooooooooooo!”. Please explain why the fuck he did this. I understand he’s upset, but surely actions speak louder than words – couldn’t he just crush a motherfucker? Or try to rip the mask off and be told it’ll kill him, and be given a reason to further destroy every resistance to the Empire? Yeah, see, I just came up with that on the spot. C’mon Lucas, are you even trying?

The Love Crap. I’ve said all I needed to say about that, I think.

The Goofy Shit. They raped the original trilogy by inserting random acts of slapstick and comedy only a 3-year-old would laugh at. Was it necessary to put this shit wherever possible into these prequels?

R2-D2. When did he turn into a stealth ninja? He can float and shoot oil and light shit on fire and do quick, debilitating zaps to an entire crew of droids in front of him? Since when? It just reaks of Lucas thinking he’s gotta give “all the old classics” these new reasons to show up on-screen.

The Lightsaber Battles. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good swordfight in a movie. And, I thought the lightsaber battles of old (and in Episode I) were just amazing moments of cinema. They seemed a lot more pivotal and passionate when they were just having a badass, well-timed ’saber duel. But, apparently there was a rule written into these new movies that if you have a lightsaber, you need to do a flip every 10 to 15 seconds, and you should either lose your saber, or have it severely disabled (as was the case with Darth Maul) at some point in the battle, and that the entire fight can’t last more than a minute. While I’m at it – why do they always lose their hands? Seems that’s another rule. Grievous loses like 3 or 4 hands, Dooku loses both hands, Anakin lost a hand, Windu lost a hand.. what’s with the fuckin’ hand-losing? The best battle ever was between Luke and Vader in Return of the Jedi. The thing lasted like 10 minutes, there was no gratuitous flipping, there was a lot of slow times, a lot of little pauses for talk.. it was wonderful.

Amidala. Beyond her horrendous acting, and her general capacity to act as a reverse vortex of entertainment in literally sucking my enjoyment out of every scene – I’m somewhat appalled that as soon as they pulled Luke out of her womb, her first word was “Luke” and ditto for Leia. NO ONE names their babies that quickly. NO ONE. And, if it was done ahead of time – why not show that in amongst these shitty one-liners about love that her and Anakin just love to spew forth at each other?

Yoda didn’t win any battles. Weak. Seriously. It’s fuckin’ YODA. He should be able to beat some serious ass. I can understand that obviously no one is allowed to win between Yoda and the Emperor, but was there really no logical solution to that problem than having Yoda get tossed across the room and knocked into a wall? Him not defeating Dooku in EP2 was also just hella-lame-core.

Jar Jar Binks. This needs no explanation.

PRO : Evil Shit

While I find it an incredible leap of faith to believe Anakin-gone-bad would slaughter an entire room of unarmed padawan(sp?) in the Jedi Council, I gotta love that he actually did it. Just wished they’d have shown at least one of ‘em.

The double-saber decapitation of Dooku. Hell yes. The crying from Anakin afterwards – I could do without.

The merciless slaughter of “the good guys” when the clones and droids turned against the Jedi Council (ya know, on account of “Code 66″ commands) was evil. I must reiterate how overdo we were for merciless evil in these films.

Episode III actually has a lot of evil shit – and it’s why I can easily say it’s the best of the prequels. Hands down.

PRO : No Jar Jar

Well, no talking Jar Jar anyway. They showed him, cause I’m guessing the dude who plays him was blowing Lucas while they filmed these things, but he didn’t talk. Thank fuck.

PRO : Seeing The Emperor Fight

More evil shit. Guy made short work of 3 of the 4 Jedi that attacked him in like .. 10 seconds. About 5 minutes before that scene, I remember thinking “dude.. does the emperor ever pick up a lightsaber, or does he just shoot lightning?”

PRO : Seeing Yoda Fight

It was somewhat gratuitous when we saw it in Episode II, I’ll grant you that. But I cheered along with everyone else when he got “that look in his eyes”. Just wished he would’ve actually killed someone. Though, as badass as Yoda was – you’d think he’d just sit back and move his hands and beat the hell out of someone from across the room. Hell, might even have been able to just make them beat themselves.

PRO : The Making of Vader

This could’ve gone a lot slower. I waited for like 20 years to see this shit and it lasted about 20 seconds. Again with that timing. Still.. seeing it at all is better than doing that Lucas-favorite of using any of the built-in iMovie cut scene effects to cut the action short.

PRO : The Final Ending Sequence

I must say that the very best part of the entire prequel trilogy, and actually right up there w/some of the best moments of any of the original 3 films, was seeing Uncle Owen striking the exact “Luke pose” atop the hill on Tatooine, looking out over the hils towards the suns, while the greatest John Williams composition ever blared on in the background. This was the perfect way to end the film, and it actually choked me up a little bit, I must admit.

That’s all I got for now. If I think of anything else, I’ll post it.
Your thoughts?

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