What I love about stories of hypocrisy from hate-mongers, gay-bashers, cross-bearers and the general stench of their associated ilk is just how fucking obvious the whole thing is. Every time another of these scandals pops up, “thou dost protest too much” rings like a church bell through the nation. I hope it continues on. In droves. Just an overwhelming outing of every hair-brained shitcock who stands at the ready of a podium, shouting hateful jargon and belittling innocent people for their lifestyles. That’s what I want.

If this trend continues, it goes towards the most glorious of paths : simply being hateful will come to mean you secretly love it in your private life. Maybe the fight against intolerance has been building up to this all along. Instead of extolling the humanizing virtues of a repressed class, you can instead point to all the people who have stood up to proclaim an ignorant and hateful diatribe against them. After all, if you identify yourself with a person whose beliefs underline your own – only to find out that said person was lying their fucking ass off to hide their “shameful” love and belied the agenda they pushed – won’t you question your own beliefs as well?

Even on a lesser scale, maybe the paranoia that the public will undoubtedly link you with that which you’re rallying against will be such an embarrassment that you dare not say it aloud.

And that’s a beautiful fucking thing.

The Double-Edged Sword of Gay As A Choice

I’ve said this before, though maybe only onstage. If you’re arguing that one’s sexuality is a choice, and a conscious, binary decision of “gay or not gay”, then you have to face the repercussions of exactly what that means. You are saying, in essence, that the only thing differentiating one person from another is a simple flip of a switch. Taking it further – that means you, yourself, sat down in the dark recesses of your mind and thought – if only for a few fleeting moments – about hardcore gay sex that involved you. For just that fleeting moment, you were gay. We’ve all, in essence, been gay at some point in our lives.

I’m fine with that, personally. Cause I’ve got nothin’ to hide. If I firmly believed sexually were a simple matter of binary, conscious choices, I’d just as easily flick the “gay” switch and start swallowing dicks like bratwurst during Oktoberfest.

But, I’m just.. not. This isn’t to give me some inflated sense of pride in how gosh-darned manly I am. Far from it. I have a lot of feminine tendencies and you may have noticed I’m not exactly “ripped”. Whatever part of my brain regulates my arousal is responsible for a general “nahhh… just not into it” feeling towards dicks, body hair, and masculine partners. I’d love to tap into that raw feed and ask it “so, what else will I find out I’m exceedingly turned on by in 10 years?”.

Maybe….

Maybe it’s simpler, though. Maybe these evangelicals have it right. Maybe our sexuality is a series of conscious, binary choices. Maybe, it’ll turn out, hot sweaty man-on-man love is just where it’s at and once you’ve had some, it’s like heroin! Maybe these evangelicals have some secret tome handed down from the ancients that said “seriously, guys? the gay sex is SO fuckin’ sweet. If people get wind of that, we’re doomed. They’ll just wanna fuck each other endlessly instead of praying to zombie jesus and paying stipends to our church. Let them never find out” – and maybe every once in awhile, a preacher gets high up in the ranks and says “really? that sounds ridiculous” and gives it a shot.

And, maybe, he finds out the ancients were right. Assfucking a dude is transcendental.

(and we just can’t have that, can we?)

Related posts:

1. It Doesn’t Fucking Matter
2. Maybe Love Is A Comfort Lie
3. Do People Change?

Cargo Pants are only excusable at age 12 when no one else cared that you look like a little prick with too many pockets.

WHAT? Oh no you DI-INT.. that shit ain’t gonna fly here in the Mitczosphere. Cargo pants are the greatest item of clothing ever made. Allow me to present my case.

1. Functionality

I’m more of a function-over-form guy, myself. This might sound at odds with my being an avid user of many Apple products, but that’s another rant for another day (and frankly, I could give a shit what OS you use) – so I’m not altogether concerned with the fashion sense of cargo pants. However, functionally? Oh shit, man. These fuckers have function in spades.

To wit, here’s what Mix Master Mitcz rocks on the daily in the cargos…

Yeah, that’s right bitches. I carry a digital video camera, a digital still camera, 2 packs of smokes, 2 condoms, my iPhone, my gate opener, a stack of business cards, my wallet, zippo, mints, a pen and (not shown) little scraps of paper for making notes. Occasionally, I’ll even find it necessary to toss in things like a USB cord or iPhone charger in case I plan to be away all night.

You gonna toss all that shit in your skin-tight chinos? Psh. Good luck, pussy.

2. They’re Flexible

I don’t mean literally flexible – although they’re definitely roomy in that sense – but I mean you can work a pair cargos for just about any occasion. Need to toss on a quick pair of pants to run to the store? Done! Need something that goes with a button-up shirt but doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard? Done! Wanna rock the punk look for a night? Voila! Going camping? Fuck yeah, cargos are your buddy.

Hell, I even rock cargos with a 3-piece suit. And I’ll bet no one even noticed…

3. They’re Ambiguous

Are you all about military wear? Cargos, baby. A camping-bound hippy? Cargos. Punk? Cargos. Goth? Fuckin’ cargos. Regular dude just lookin’ for some extra space for all your shit, but you don’t wanna carry around a man-purse? Sing it with me in your best baritone… “Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgos!”. Whereas so many styles are adopted by fringe groups or stereotypes – cargos don’t actually say anything about a person. I like that. It’s why I drive 4-door sedans – it says nothing about me other than “I have a car with room for 4″. With all my crazy ways, I’d hate to have yet another incidental affectation.

Because cargos aren’t particularly “hip”, and have never been the “it” fashion, they’re not susceptible to fads or over-usage. They’re timeless like that. I’ve been wearing cargos for about 17 years now and, outside of the occasional pair of dress slacks for weddings and funerals, I have no need for any other lower-half apparel. Why would I?

4. They’re Rugged

When I was in middle school, the “cool” thing to wear on your lower-half were those Z. Cavaricci pants. I think those became the reason I not only still shy away from brand-name clothing, but what probably made my mom swear off ever buying anything brand-name for me. I had ONE pair of Z Cavariccis and I ripped them in half at the end of the first day I wore them. How? I ran across the street. That’s it. I ran, they ripped. And just kept on ripping. That’s some pretty lousy shit for pants that cost $75 (in 1992 dollars). Many years later, I saw a pair of Z’s in a used clothing shop in Seattle and picked them up for like $5. Sure enough, they lasted 2 days before they ripped to shreds. Fuck that.

On the other hand, I buy my cargos at the surplus store across the street (Hollywood Blvd has a lot of fringe shops like that) and these fuckers can take an axe before they even scuff. Not too shabby for $35/pair, I say.

5. They’re Erection-proof

That’s right fellas – pretend all you want that you don’t even think about this shit when you’re buying pants, but I do. I pitch tents if the wind is right. When I wear dress pants, I’m tempted to keep a suspender strap on my leg in case I need to tie that sucker down. Erection + Dress Slacks = NAGL. But in cargos? Shit, I could be within titty-groping distance from a 5-girl orgy and stand up straight, tall and proud with no one the wiser.

For all you know, I’m hard the entire time I’m onstage (and don’t think I didn’t catch you scrolling up to double-check).

Fuck yeah, cargo pants.

You can have your cutting-edge fashions and your skin-tight girly pants (I’m looking at you, ironic male hipsters). Meanwhile, I’ll be rockin’ my cargos. Like nature intended.

UPDATE : As a special gift to you, I present Bud Light’s “Real American Heroes” commercial for Mr. Cargo Pants Designer – I sure as fuck salute that guy.

Related posts:

1. I’m Gonna Be Naked in Playboy!
2. A Jog Well Done (notes to self about Jogging)
3. How To : Spot (and avoid) A Douchebag

However, as I actually have quite a shitload of things on my plate this year, I thought it might be a good idea to make them public so people can hold me to it. A brief rant about stand-up comedy follows.

What I’m Doing This Year (hopefully)

• Finish Grab Your Crotch and Roar
• Record my debut comedy album (more info below)
• Launch setl.it
• Change the Mitcz : The Expert format a little bit and do it more often
• Release the iPhone game I’ve been working on

Why is that shit not done already?

I have a whole piece prepared about the difficulties of writing and ultimately finishing the book. The long-and-short of it is threefold : 1. There’s SO much information for me to process; being a verbose guy – if I don’t find a way to compress that information, the book will be 700 pages long before I know it, 2. Writing the book is so important to me that I feel obligated to stew on every word to make it the best it can be (despite being pretty sure I’ll never live up to my own expectations), 3. It’s tough to find 3-4 hours in a day to just sit and write.

Frankly, reason #3 explains much of why I’ve not yet finished any of the things I mentioned above. I’m overwhelmed with work, after a long dry-spell of not having work to such a degree that I was falling behind on bills and I was in danger of losing everything. To overcompensate for that, I’ve taken on more work than I can handle. It’s tough to balance all the shit I don’t want to do but pays me well versus things I really want to do but don’t pay at all until months after they’re finished (if at all).

Hopefully, you see my dilemma.

A Brief Rant on Comedy

I know I don’t perform often enough. I’m fully aware of that and while I’ve sat made bullshit excuses for why that is – it’s no one’s fault more than my own. The only defense I’ve really got left is that “working the comedy scene” tends to be a game of repetition, the time to constantly perform, having a large enough group of friends willing to see you, and keeping yourself on-track despite those 3 hurdles.

I hate repetition. For a time, I tried to write a whole new set from scratch every time I went onstage. As time went on and I realized I actually do belong on a comedy stage, I got more comfortable reusing old material. The last few months, I haven’t even bothered to prepare for a set ahead of time. Any new material or new ways of performing old material was written either on-the-spot while I was onstage, or just a few minutes prior to going onstage. That doesn’t feel like a fun challenge. While I love to make people laugh, I feel cheap if I don’t bring something new & unique to each performance.

I don’t have the time to constantly perform. And, being without a vehicle anymore, I’ve even less ability to go out as often as possible to perform. It’s a fucked situation, and one I’m trying to find ways to remedy.

The friends I have who would come to a comedy gig even semi-regularly either don’t want to be dragged out weekly just to see me or have already seen me enough times that it’s probably starting to get old. That’s fair, and I certainly don’t fault any of them for it. That’s just how these things go. I don’t really hang with a partying bunch of Hollywood folks that go out on weeknights and drop $50 at whatever bar we end up at. That’s no one’s fault – it’s just the proverbial lay of the land.

In spite of all of that, I still manage to perform pretty regularly and I’ve got quite a few gigs lined up. Having been around for awhile, it’s not difficult for me to get booked just to work the stage and hurl hot joke-love in the face of a crowd.

But, I’ve been getting a little bored. I see the same comics and hear the same jokes out of them week after week. I try to go up and do some new shit, but since the audiences tend to be the result of someone just inviting their friends, they’re often not an audience of comedy-lovers so much as they’re just “out to have a good time”. And, unless your act is well-polished and well-rehearsed, they’re not going to notice that you’re trying some new angles and trying to connect with a willing audience. The places where you’ll find crowds like that are, for instance, The Hollywood Improv. Wanna know how to get to the Hollywood Improv? You bring a bunch of friends to enough smaller gigs that shows you have a “pull” and can bring a crowd, and you’re asked to bring that crowd to The Improv.

If you’re not bringing crowds to the smaller clubs, you won’t be asked to perform at the bigger clubs. Fun little catch-22, because it’s tough to promote an unknown club, despite the fact that I bring pretty good crowds of friends every time I’ve performed at The Improv.

My Comedy Solution (and my debut album)

I wanna do a few more smaller gigs that don’t require bringing anyone out (I have several of those lined-up, thankfully) and I’ll use the time to try some new shit and further polish some old shit. Then, I’ll be setting up a huge gig somewhere to do a full 45-minute set that I’ll record and put onto an album.

After that, I’ll probably bow out of the comedy scene for awhile and work on all that other shit I wanna do, and let the album work its way around. I’m not sure what will happen with it, but I hope everyone who’s ever wanted to see me will come out for the recording and we can make it into the best night of comedy I’ve ever given to a crowd. Maybe I’ll even do discounted pre-orders for anyone in that crowd, and I’ll send them physical CDs of it when it’s pressed.

Anyway, that’s my plan. Feel free to hold me to it.

Related posts:

1. Hardcore Comedy + Hardcore BDSM = Fun?
2. RE : Mitch Hedberg
3. Comedy Store gig recap – WITH FULL AUDIO of performance

Anyway, the point of this post is to look over China’s response to Google. The wording is.. a little murky. So, I’m providing a translaton.

BEIJING, March 21 (Xinhua) — From groundlessly accusing the Chinese government of supporting hacker attacks against it

Google figured out we were trying to keep them from skirting our intense censorship laws.

..to pushing China abandon the legal regulations on the Internet by threatening to withdraw from the Chinese market, many facts have shown that Google is politicalizing itself.

We’d really prefer Google didn’t discuss China’s policies out in the open like that. We’re trying to run a strictly-controlled society under a totalitarian government system here, thankyouverymuch.

Google, as the world’s largest search engine, should understand an internationally accepted rule as well as other enterprises, if not better, that no matter in which country you conduct business, you have to obey the laws and regulations there.

Our playground, our rules. You can take your ball and go home.

In fact, no country allows unrestricted flow on the Internet of pornographic, violent, gambling or superstitious content, or content on government subversion, ethnic separatism, religious extremism, racialism, terrorism and anti-foreign feelings.

We’re no different from anyone else! Every government censors any and all information that freely passes through the citizens’ computers! If we tell flat-out lies like this, no one will notice they’re being raped of their freedom!

China has been implementing the reform and opening-up policies for more than three decades and its stance for keeping the door open remains unchanged. Having conducted business in China for four years, Google has benefited from China’s opening-up policies and its vast market.

C’mon, guys. It’s not like we’re evil and censoring everything. We even let Google come in and only serve about 0.05% of the information on the internet! Look at us go. If you’re nice, maybe in 20 years, we’ll let you read about the history of ouija boards.

Google is currently at a crossroad. Whether it eventually leaves the Chinese market or not, one thing is certain — China’s Internet market, which has already been the world’s biggest with nearly 400 million netizens, will continue to prosper.

HA! Google thinks we care if they leave. Psh. There’s 400 million people here who’d gladly tell you they don’t give a shit about Google, either! (because if they don’t say that, we kill their family and lock up their children to make some Nikes).

Whether it leaves or not, the Chinese government will keep its Internet regulation principles unchanged. One company’s ambition to change China’s Internet rules and legal system will only prove to be ridiculous.

Eat our dicks, Google. This censorship thing is working out great for us as a government, cause no matter what we do to these people – no one’s allowed to say shit! In fact, they’re not even allowed to know the shit we did! HA!

And whether leaving or not, Google should not continue to politicalize itself, as linking its withdrawal to political issues will lose Google’s credibility among Chinese netizens. That, will make Google end up to be the biggest loser.

Just in case you’ve considered spreading dissent and free-thought with your big ol’ web servers – we’re just gonna let you know : no one’s even paying attention. So, don’t even try it. Seriously. It’s not worth it. No one’s gonna care and… ya know, it’s just a big waste of your time. Hey look! Something shiny! Yeahh…. stare at the shiny thing… *runs away*

Serious Thoughts

Wouldn’t it be great if Google had just pretended to go along with it and then one day – BAM! They turned off the filter? Wouldn’t that be amazing? I wonder what would happen. I mean, obviously China would sooner have all the wires in the country severed in half than let free speech run rampant – but that would take awhile. For at least a few hours, all of China would be completely free to explore any information they wished. If I were running Google, I’d strongly consider that course of action. I mean that sincerely.

This whole thing reminds me of a story a friend of mine (and former business associate) told me. You see, his father helped American companies outsource their manufacturing to China, and eventually my friend got in on that with him. He even had a separate apartment in China for all the time he spent there. Because almost everything is paid for by the gov’t, people were paid the equivalent of about $50/month. Meaning, for my friend, that he could go to a club and get full VIP service, bottle service, private dancers, etc. and walk outta there having only spent about $60.

Anyway, the most fascinating thing he told me was that while walking down the street w/some of his clients, he jumped up on a little wall. One of those 2-3 foot walls they have near sidewalks. He jumped up and balanced-while-walking. Nothing major, the kinda harmless weird thing you just do for kicks. I don’t think any of us would’ve even batted an eye. But, his clients and associates just… stopped. Dead in their tracks. They looked at him like he decided to shit on the sidewalk and wipe his ass with dollar bills. One of them finally spoke up – “what…. doing?”. He said “I dunno… just felt like it”. They stared at him, confused. One of them asked something along the lines of “were you told to jump up there?”, and he said “Nope. Just… freedom”. The translator looked at him and said “I can’t tell them what you said”. Now, he’s all confused – “Why not?”. The translator’s answer to him was…

“They wouldn’t understand the word, there’s no translation for it, and no way for me to explain the concept”

Imagine that. Being a grown adult – having literally no idea what freedom was, and no way to even learn about it.

So, he just smiled at them to smooth it over and they kept on walking.

Related posts:

1. For The People, By the 29% of People?
2. Come Together. (right now)
3. Constantly Nerding Out

Personally, I want the Kindle to fail. Amazon’s taking SEVENTY FUCKING PERCENT of the price on e-books and magazines. That’s just insane and fucking wrong. Sure, they’re providing the platform – but since the entirety of the platform depends on the content you consume with it, they’re cannibalizing their entire market. Also, the average price for Kindle books is $10. For Apple’s iBooks store? $5. Bam! G’night, Amazon.

Why it’s a game changer

Right off the bat – forget e-book readers. They’re dead in the water now. Unless they all drop to under $100, they’re just not even worth it.

So, 16GB is WAY more than any current e-book reader has. Not that it matters, you can fit like 10,000 books on a $5 thumb drive. I was a little bummed about the 3G functionality tax, but $30/mo for UNLIMITED 3G, NO contract? That’s a “holy shit” price.

Here’s something you might not have considered, which only just occurred to me a few minutes ago – I have an iPhone, as do millions of others. The iPhone supports tethering. AT&T is supposed to enable tethering soon. What this means for an iPhone-and-iPad owner is : you can save that $130 3G tax AND the $30/month, and still get unlimited 3G service 24/7 just by using the iPhone’s 3G signal as your mobile WiFi hotspot. Fuck yes.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. Throw in that kick-ass keyboard stand, and it’s like having an iMac anywhere you go. Better even than a laptop in some cases : longer battery life, less distractions, thinner, lighter, smaller, higher viewing angle. As you may know, I’ve been writing a book, and while I prefer to chill on my couch or in bed and type out on my laptop – I’m using a 17″ MacBook Pro. I still haven’t found a comfortable way to sit there and write, without lighting my damned lap on fire and/or contorting my body in some manner to fit the damned thing on my lap but still giving me room to type.

The idea of being able to sit there with a slab of 1/2-inch-wide, 10-inch-diagonal touchscreen tech that’s practically weightless, doesn’t overheat, and lets me type on a full-size keyboard anywhere I’d want to sit? Dude – Amazing (or, ya know “magical“).

What’s Missing?

A camera. I can hardly believe Apple didn’t toss a camera up in that bitch. It would be trivial to add, would add something like $2 to the manufacturing cost, and would increase it’s utility by a wide margin. While you can pretty much bet the farm that the 2nd-gen iPad will most definitely include a front-facing camera, I wouldn’t be too surprised to find someone (maybe even Apple) make a dock-connected camera accessory soon. Personally, it doesn’t matter too much to me, cause I’ve already got a perfectly capable Macbook Pro with integrated webcam and video conferencing software, but it’d be damn cool to be able to do Mitcz : The Expert with a thin slab of tech.

All of that being said… I want one. It’s quite possibly the greatest thing Apple’s ever done.

UPDATE :

Looks like Apple’s already announced dongles for things like USB :

So, I give it about 1 month after launch before there’s a webcam solution.

Related posts:

1. New Mac Day
2. My “Sex Book” Sample Chapter
3. A Geek and His Money Are Soon Parted

As I see it, the love for horror movies boils down to one or more of the following :

1. We love/relate to the hero(es)
2. We love/relate to the villain(s)
3. We just want a demented laugh
4. We just want a good scare
5. We like being fucked with

Breaking that down, I’ll explain each reason and give examples where it’s been done well.

We love/relate to the main character(s)

I originally wanted to say “protagonist(s)” instead of “hero(es)”, but the “heroes” are rarely protagonists in horror films (and, frankly, rarely heroic – but let’s just go with it). Many times we’re watching the villain(s) go on a rampage against a group of characters that are the focus of a story and they’re just running around defending themselves. They’re not on a mission, per se, they’re just trying to stay alive. That would make the killer the protagonist. Sorry to be so pedantic, I’m the son of a drama teacher and it would feel wrong to not explain this distinction.

A vast majority of horror movies are working on the premise that you’ll want to root for the good guy, thereby making the bad guy seem scarier. After all, if you relate to a character in any story, you feel like whatever happens to them is happening to you. And, if you feel like you’re being chased, you’re going to be scared.

What pisses me off are shit-house horror flicks that rely on me relating to and liking the main character, but not making them anyone I give a shit about. This is either due to a lack of a proper backstory, or just cause there’s not enough character development to make them human and likable. This is why, to me, 30 days of Night sucked ass. I didn’t give a shit about the main characters. I didn’t know who they were, and they weren’t interesting/likable enough for me to give a shit.

If you’re not going to make your main characters likable or multi-dimensional enough, at least make the villain likable and amusing. Again, 30 days of Night failed at that, as well. It’s not the only one : Hostel 2, most of the Saw movies, the entire Blade franchise, and Underworld suffered as well (sure, sure, Kate Beckinsale was pretty neat – but she answered to some douchebag vampire gothbag, which made me question why she was listening to him in the first place, thereby making her character weak and dramatically lame).

Where has this been used to good effect? Here’s some brief examples.

The Descent – A group of rough-and-tough chicks (many of them also attractive, which helps), including a woman who’s child and husband are killed in the first 2 minutes of the movie. We watched them all having a grand old time right away, seeing how they live when they’re at the apex of life, and then we immediately see the frailty of happiness as her daughter and husband are killed instantaneously in a car crash. When the whole crew gets together, you can’t really find one amongst them that you don’t like. You might not love them all, but you certainly don’t despise any of them. As a further stroke of writing genius, each of them have flaws that make them multi-dimensional and you’re not entirely on the side of any single one of them, but you certainly don’t wish them harm. There’s a shitload of layers to this film, but the basics are this : you like these girls, and you want them to survive. What happens to them scares the shit out of you because you empathize.

Hostel – You’ve got 3 guys here. The geeky, introverted nice guy Josh. The suave, well-toned Paxton (whom you might not like at first, but come to realize pretty quick is just a young dude having fun, and he’s a really good friend) and the goofy-but-harmless foreigner Oli. Like The Descent, you’re not entirely on the side of any of them, but you don’t wish them harm. I thought the first Hostel was an amazing film, because you fucking hate everyone they come into contact with but you genuinely relate to and like those main characters. Again, you empathize so you’re frightened by what happens to them.

Alien/Aliens – Ripley fucking rules. That’s all there is to it. You have no empathy for giant, acid-spewing aliens – you just know they can fuck shit up. But if you don’t love Sigourney Weaver’s character in these films, I posit that you either hate women or you have no taste. That it takes place in an alien world adds to the scare because you don’t know the rules of the landscape – so really anything is possible. We’ll ignore the remainder of the Alien franchise for now.

Halloween – Don’t pretend you don’t love Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. This was especially scary for women, because she’s a babysitter and that strikes at the heart of a lot of teenage girls. Even though I only did a little babysitting in my teens (and mostly during the day, at that), I was scared for JLC. The remainder of the Halloween series focused on Michael Meyers, but (as we’ll explore later in this article) he didn’t have any personality to latch onto so… frankly, who gives a shit about him?

The Host – You’ve gotta love that whole family, really. They’re just regular people and your heart goes out to the deadbeat dad who wants a better life for his kids, but just can’t pull it together. What makes this story special is seeing him find an opportunity to prove his worth as a father, and because he’s so likable and goofy – we want him to succeed.

We love/relate to the villain(s)

This is what fucks up a lot of non-horror fans. But, frankly, I doubt they’ll ever “get it”. Making a likable villain is tricky. You need to make him/her/it tough enough to survive, but also give them vulnerabilities, quirks and/or a personality that make them kind of goofy and likable. The only way to properly explain this one is by example.

Nightmare on Elm Street – It could be argued that there were likable characters in the first NoES, and frankly that’s the only one of the series that follows a more traditional villain-chases-hero plotline. But, something interesting happened with this series that made it one of the better (and, in my personal opinion, best) horror franchises based on a common villain : Freddy Krueger is enjoyable. He cracks one-liners, he’s got a pretty lengthy backstory, he’s a scary monster but also human, and… let’s be honest, he’s got a pretty neat weapon. It also helps that he has really creative killing methods — almost none of which actually involve his built-in weaponry. Seriously… the forced-suicide-as-a-puppet killing in NoES : Dream Warrior? Genius!

Hellraiser – Like NoES, the first one is more like a classic horror flick. But, once Hellraiser 2 kicked off it quickly became all about Pinhead and the Cenobites. After that, it got into some campy-ass territory, sure, but I still enjoyed Pinhead’s killings and one-liners. I genuinely enjoyed Hellraiser : Bloodline, for instance, because of its heavy focus on Pinhead and making his lines so damned quotable. To wit..

and…

How do you not LOVE that shit?

Wishmaster – Ignore every Wishmaster flick after this one. The first one was a stroke of genius. Not only the creative kills (which go into another category I’ll explain in a moment), but everyone I’ve watched this movie with laughs out loud when the security guard says “Well, you’ll have to go through me. Which is something I’d just LOVE to see….” (because, you see, saying “I’d love to see..” is the same as “I wish…” to a genie).

We Just Want A Demented Laugh

This gets into the territory that, if you were the critical and holier-than-thou type, you might point at a horror fan and say “you’re a fucking psychopath”. But, frankly, I don’t think I need to defend my schaudenfreude here. Entertainment – specifically, fictional entertainment – is about fantasy. It’s not a stretch to say that likely most horror fans grew up (as I did) as outcast geeks, dreaming of all sorts of fucked-up death sentences against their oppressors. So, watching the douchebag jock get disemboweled by a chainsaw is an amusing site. This particular category of horror film is rarely malicious, though. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and the entertainment is from the sheer absurdity, as well as “ohhhman… I love how fucked up that was”. That’s one of those great feelings you get laughing at something you shouldn’t – and it’s something I explore a lot in my stand-up comedy. When asked to defend this style of humor.. I’m fucked. I got nothin’. I just figure if you “get it”, then you wouldn’t ask. If you don’t… you never will.

The trick to pulling off this style correctly is in being goofy about it. You should avoid going for insanely-fucked-up if you have a malicious intent of any kind. For instance, I laugh when my black friends tell me what’s commonly referred to as “nigger jokes”, but I’d be pretty fucking offended hearing the same joke from someone in the KKK.

Now, let’s get to the examples..

Dead Alive – If you haven’t seen Peter Jackson’s earlier work (Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, Dead Alive) then you really should. They’re insanely fucked up. And wonderful. I’ve always heard Dead Alive held a number of records – gallons of blood spilled, number of people shown slaughtered, most kills for under a given budget – but I’m not sure how many are true. The point is that when you watch a scrawny New Zealander take out hundreds of crazed zombie-like monsters with a modified lawnmower, you know you’ve hit paydirt. This movie provides so many “ohhh that’s horrible!” (while laughing your ass off) moments, it should get some kind of award.

Ichi The Killer – This is probably one of the most fucked-up films I’ve seen (though, I also have a copy of the banned Norwegian film “Revenge” which shows a real, human cadaver’s eyeball being scalpeled) and it’s something of a legend among horror fans. Those that have seen it will immediately tell you their favorite scene, those that have only heard about it from others will light up when they see it in your DVD collection, and those that have no idea what this movie is… well, you want to be careful when showing it to them. And make sure you keep a bucket handy in case they need to hurl.

Gremlins 1 & 2 – I honestly consider these movies to be close, in spirit, to Dead Alive. Just silly fun and mindless destruction. Most wouldn’t even consider Gremlins a horror flick – more like a comedy. But, they’re ostensibly horror. I don’t personally consider Dead Alive to be horror, either, but there’s too much gore for most people to consider it comedy. To put it another way : if marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin – Gremlins is the gateway drug to considering gore-horror a form of comedy.

We Just Want a Good Scare

Horror movies are supposed to be scary – at least, in theory. As shown above, oftentimes anything gory that doesn’t fit into any other category gets lumped into horror. And, frankly, that’s fine. Check out the Fangoria convention one of these days and you’ll see just about anything gory or campy-but-death-related being heralded. It’s a good time. Still, it’s kind of rare that a horror film is actually scary, given the broad definition of the genre. If you’re in for a scare, check out these examples…

The Shining – While some could consider 2001 a horror film for technophobes, no one denies that Kubrick’s film adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining was a horror film no matter which way you slice it. This is the first mention on the list because you don’t really relate to Jack’s introverted son Danny, you probably consider Shelley Duvall’s character Wendy Torrance to be a weak housewife character (cause, really, she doesn’t do anything except annoy Jack and wander around scared all the time), and Jack Torrance is by no means likable – he’s a drunk psychopath with severe anger management issues. All of that is fine, though. The villain here is unseen. It’s all mental. It’s cabin fever. Being snowblind. Paranoia. Ghosts. Dementia. All of the above. WIth no definitive villain or hero, you’re just watching a family descend into madness, lead by a frightening character who suffers those effects the greatest. Perhaps why it’s most frightening is that there’s no particularly good reason this couldn’t happen to any of us in the same situation.

Psycho – A classic, and for good reason. I won’t belabor the obvious and oft-repeated reasons why beyond this : it’s a story about a psychotic man who appears perfectly normal. That’s something that will forever scare the shit out of people, because it’s happened many times in real life (Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Waynce Gacy were all well-respected in their towns).

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Tobe Hooper said he made this movie because reclusive, tight-knit families in the South scared the shit out of him. I think once TCM hit, many more people shared his fear. Again, you’re not relating to the “heroes” (main characters) of the film cause you know very little about them. And you sure don’t want to relate to or like the fucked-up family they encounter. So, the film is stuck either being a dumb gore-fest without merit or being frightening. Hooper didn’t put much gore in his version (watch it again and count the times you actually see blood), but there was plenty of creepy imagery and an overall unsettling vibe. A masterpiece, to be sure. Still scares the shit out of me and I was born in the outskirts of a small town in Texas!

House of 1000 Corpses – To me, this is Texas Chainsaw Massacre for today’s audience. To hell with the TCM remake – this is what needed to be done. All the things I said about TCM above also apply here (albeit a little subdued, simply cause I was quite a bit older when this came out).

1408 – I love John Cusack, so this might’ve slipped into the “love the main character” category, but they intentionally want you to dislike his character as a fluff-writing douchebag. I’m a sucker for a good ghost story and/or movie about someone losing their fucking marbles, so this isn’t entirely unlike The Shining. Not sure why it didn’t do as well in the theaters, as everyone I’ve shown this to (now that I have it on DVD) has fucking loved it.

We Like Being Fucked With

This doesn’t apply solely to horror films – there’s plenty of suspense/drama/thriller flicks that fit this category. But, something horror movies are able to accomplish outside of those genres that adds an interesting edge is that you’re forced to relate to and follow a character that is horrifying and disturbing. One movie I left out of the list below, because I’m not entirely sure it fits into the horror genre, is Hard Candy. In that film, Ellen Paige plays a young woman meeting a photographer at his home. At the beginning of the film, you get the impression that the photographer is kind of a creep. Then you get the impression that Ellen Paige’s character is a psychotic woman, taking advantage of a vulnerable man. But, they further fuck with you as the film goes on because you hate both characters but also relate to both characters. I still haven’t figured out who’s side I’m on in that film (and, having watched the DVD extras, the director feels the same way).

Anyway, here’s some fine examples

Silence of the Lambs – It’s hard not to love and relate to Clarice Starling. She’s the underdog, in a male-dominated field, constantly undermined because of her inexperience (and her gender) who’s out to do right and prove her worth. Meanwhile, she’s also the only one the FBI can rely on to extract information from their favorite man-on-the-inside serial killer Hannibal Lecter. As a viewer, you mostly only hear about what he’s done that’s so horrifying – all you really see for most of the film is how pleasant he is. Gentlemanly, polite, exceedingly intelligent… and, sure, a little rough around the edges, but it’s to be expected when he’s got all these people over the years trying to fuck with him. You, like Clarice, are charmed by him. Then, of course, we see the claws come out and we see him do some pretty unruly shit to people who don’t really deserve that wrath. So, it fucks with you. Are you really rooting for the law (and Clarice) in bringing him down? Or are you kind of hoping he’ll escape, because now you’re sort of on his side, despite the atrocities he continues to commit? It fucks with you, for sure. And they follow that up nicely with Hannibal (the following two films were prequels, and quite a load of shit at that).

American Psycho – This one fucks with you because it’s really hard to be on anyone’s side in this film. You certainly hate Patrick Bateman’s entire social circle and his girlfriend, and pretty much every single person he comes into contact with. They beat it into your head how vapid and shitty those people are. No one gives a fuck Bateman even exists, frankly, and you just wish they’d all get fucked. But… wait. We’re seeing this through the eyes of Bateman. And you don’t really like him, either. He’s also vapid, self-obsessed, paranoid, vain to an obsessive degree, and clearly psychotic. Is he also a killer? We never really find that out either. Part of me ended the film saying “well, if he just imagined it all – then he’s not so bad”, but… what if he imagined being told he didn’t kill anyone? Conversely, if he did only just imagine killing those people, does that really make him any more decent a person? Like I said, it fucks with you.

The Devil’s Rejects – You really want to hate the group of deranged killers that are the focus of this follow-up to House of 1000 Corpses, but Rob Zombie’s genius was in making you like them anyway. You’re not given much of a choice. They’re underdogs and outcasts. They’re kinda funny. They’re a tight-knit group that watches out for each other. They’re up against a scum-sucking lawman. Those are all traits that, given to any other character in any other film, would make you hoot and holler for them. But, here, you’re conflicted because these people are fucked up. And clearly need to be jailed. And beaten to death. That’s why the film works – you hate them and are being forced to root for them almost against your will. The final moments of this movie are just amazing. I hope one day I get to tell Rob Zombie how impressed I was with this flick. (and, full disclosure, I did already tell the whole cast how much I liked House of 1000 Corpses).

The Formula

So, all you budding horror directors out there, here’s the formula I’ve come up with..

If you want to make me root for the main character – give them a backstory, and make them likable.

If you fail at that (or it is not possible, given your cast and/or screenplay), then make the villain charismatic and humanizing in spite of their evil plans.

If neither of those apply, and you’re just going for gore – go all the fuck out and give me a reason to feel okay about watching that level of over-the-top gore, make it campy if you must (hell, Peter Jackson got handed the Lord of the Rings trilogy after a puppet-fuck movie and 2 indie gorefest orgies).

If you’re not looking to make an audience laugh, and you genuinely want to scare some people – make it realistic enough that I worry it might happen to me or someone I know.

If none of the above apply, or you just want to make a lasting impression, mix all of that shit into one film that gives everyone a “WTF?” feeling, but make it skirt the edge of all 4 points and you might work your way into cult status (and I’ll probably buy your DVD and blog about it).

Putting it all together

To me, the number one horror film of all time – the one that applies all five formulas into one amazing film is the original Dawn of the Dead. You’re rooting for the main characters because they’re comprised of a group of everyday people and amazing hero-types. None of them are 100% likable, but you can relate to each of them in some way. Even in the beginning, with no-name redneck characters hunting zombies for kicks, you feel a kinship of “wouldn’t that be kinda fun?”. The zombies are just goddamned funny, and they explain why you should relate to them (answer : because they’re just like you, they’re mindless consumers flocking to what comes natural) but they’re also scary as hell.

It’s at times gory in a funny/campy way, because of the various death sequences (choreographed by the brilliant Tom Savini – who learned all he needed to know about realistic gore from his time in the Vietnam War). It’s scary because, while you can outrun slow-moving zombies… where the fuck are you gonna go when the world is full of them? Finally, it fucks with you because all these elements come together with no actual crux, no actual plot, and no actual outcome. There’s no “happy ending”. It’s just a snapshot of an all-out zombie war and post-apocalyptic survival.

Funny side-story : I did an awards show with Ken Foree a few years back, and we went out for a smoke so I told him that I considered him one of the greatest horror movie heroes of all time and asked him what he thought of the Dawn of the Dead remake. As if he was a g’damn psychic, he laughed and said “Ahh man… if I say anything, that shit’s gonna end up all over the internet. ‘Ken Foree takes on the Dawn of the Dead remake….’ haha. Fuck that. But, seriously… those zombies move too damned fast. I think we did all we could do with the first one.. I don’t see the need for a remake, but… I didn’t hate it”.

Anyway, that’s how you make a fuckin’ horror movie. Just in case you were wondering.

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I’m not breaking any new ground by saying the music industry has seen some pretty rough times as of late, I know. I’m also not breaking any new ground by saying “today’s music-buying public doesn’t pay attention to the radio or MTV”. But, therein lies what I’m getting at. WHY don’t people pay attention to new music avenues? My argument : because there ISN’T one worth paying attention to in the first place.

Radio, Radio, Go Away

I stopped listening to the radio around 2002, when I had a car stereo installed with an MP3-CD player. MP3-CDs can hold about 100 songs, which was more than enough to hold me over from point A to point B. On road trips, I could pack 5-10 such CDs and be good for the whole trip. My Faith No More and Nirvana complete discography MP3 CDs alone pretty much did it, frankly.

In 2005, I got the 60GB iPod and the Alpine head unit w/the iPod controller. That changed my life, and ever since, I’ve only used iPods in my car. 60GB is roughly 10,000 songs. That’s almost a solid MONTH of non-stop music.

I know I’m not alone. I can’t even remember the last time I got into a friend’s car and heard a radio. Some of my friends listen to so-called “internet radio”, but it’s actually Pandora – which is personalized streaming music. No commercials, no whacky DJs, no stupid contests and commercials for the local Guitar Center, and no hearing the same Top 20 tracks everyday for 2 months solid. If you don’t like what Pandora’s picked – hit a button and you skip it. Hit a different button and you’ll never hear that track again.

Radio existed on a basic premise that stayed along the same path for most of its existence. I’m 99% sure it’s still the same today. Each station has a particular demographic, and a certain style of music – pop, rock, metal, rap, oldies, etc. – and they stick to a playlist that will provide the largest amount of income from the labels that provide the rights to the music. That doesn’t work today for a few reasons.

1. Because WE want to choose the entertainment being provided
2. we want to choose WHEN we consume the entertainment
3. we want a VARIETY of entertainment to choose from

Growing up, we had about 12 channels on over-the-air TV and about 40 via Cable. Now, there’s over 500 channels – not even including pay-per-view and On-Demand services.

So, some loud-mouthed DJ “spinning the hits” 24/7 (without the ability to skip shit you don’t like and a very small selection of songs rotated through) is just bullshit. It’s dead, and worthless. Interestingly, talk radio has seen something like a 500% increase in their audience in just the last few years. Why? It’s constantly fucking different. Every single second.

Why MTV Ruled

Not to sound like one of those aging “in MY day……” fogeys but uhh… in MY day, MTV was the shit. If a band had even semi-regular airplay via MTV, they’d be superstars over night. I saw Marilyn Manson in 1995 at a small venue called Club Rio in Phoenix, a mere 3 months before Smells Like Children (and by extension, their video for Sweet Dreams) was released. The following tour, they were rocking full-sized arenas and have been ever since. When I saw Nirvana play at an arena in support of In Utero, they said “the last time we played Phoenix was at Club Rio.. which 20 of you were there?”. That’s right… in the early days of Nevermind’s release, Nirvana was touring 100-seat venues. A scant 2 years later, they were playing to a sold-out crowd at the America West Arena in Phoenix (that’s where they held the Phoenix Suns games).

What MTV had that radio never did, and why it would still work today, is variety. There was only one MTV. And, among the possible 24 hours of programming, you would catch a “top 40″ show, a hip-hop show, a rock show, an alt-rock show, a metal show, a blast-from-the-past show, and then music news and a rotating list of weird/alternative non-music programs (like my all-time faves : The State, Beavis and Butthead, and Liquid TV). You never really knew what you’d get from MTV, but you knew it was the pulse of America. It was definitively what was going on for the 12-20 year old demographic. If what they were doing wasn’t what you were into – you knew you could check back in about 20-30 mins and have a whole different experience.

To this very day, MTV is the only station I was ever able to watch for 6 hours straight and be entertained the entire time.

Fuck you, MTV

At some point in the 90s, and it was a gradual change but I can still remember when it happened, MTV decided to get in bed with Bunim-Murray productions to put the abomination of society that was The Real World onto your TV set. Looking back, MTV was that really fuckin’ hot chick that you just couldn’t believe was that cool to you, and you fucked her everyday and you LOVED IT. Then, one day, you find out she gave you herpes. And she’s like “ohh… I thought you knew? It’s no biggie…”. Yes it is, hot chick. Yes it is.

I mean that sincerely. MTV gave the world herpes when it gave us The Real World. We can all pretend it isn’t there, but The Real World gave birth to 90% of the TV programming out there, and the rise of a culture of self-obsessed jackasses who have no concept of embarrassment cause “OMG LOOK! I’M ON TV!”.

Since Cash Rules Everything Around Me, and apparently no one believes in having a fucking soul or doing something wonderful for the world, MTV said “Hey! This reality TV thing gets big numbers every time there’s a fight between two hairbrained shitheads!” and commissioned enough reality TV to take over most of their programming schedule. Goodbye The State, Goodbye Liquid TV, Goodbye Beavis and Butthead, Goodbye 120 Minutes, Goodbye Alternative Nation, Goodbye Headbanger’s Ball, Goodbye YO! MTV Raps, Goodbye fucking everything. They even killed off the ONLY remaining music video show – Total Request Live – even though… who the fuck is going to request videos they have no way of knowing even exist?

Bringing it all together

So, we’ve stopped giving a shit about the radio, MTV gives us nothing but vapid hams having scripted fights, and we’re left with…… what? Pretty much nothing. To discover new music, you must actively seek it out. For my part, I just keep my ears opened. Thankfully, I’ve got Shazam on my iPhone so if I happen into a club here in Hollywood that’s playing a particularly interesting track – I can find out WTF it is. Beyond that, unless I get a trusted review from a friend, I not only don’t know about new bands – but I’ve no easy way of finding out about new albums released from bands I already enjoy. What I do, normally, is check Amazon.com’s upcoming releases.

What confuses me, though, is how bands “make it big” these days. How did you people hear about Lady Gaga? MGMT? Kings of Leon? For me, I heard about Lady Gaga because friends of mine mentioned her from time to time. MGMT I found out about through an interview I read on Patton Oswalt talking about his “best albums of 2008″. Kings of Leon, I found out about because I was trying to watch Faith No More play a reunion show at a festival in the UK, and KoL was headlining, so I thought I’d check them out.

But, seriously, how does a band make waves in this new world? I honestly don’t know. Moreover, since there’s no easy way to find new music outside of a small sampling (via radio and MTV), many people just go ahead and download a whole album and then decide if they like it. Conveniently, if you listen to 12 songs from a band and end up liking 3 or 4 of them, you’ve got a much more favorable opinion of them as a whole than just really liking the only track you’ve heard of theirs.

This is why live acts are making more money than ever before — once you dig that band, you’re more likely to go see them live. In the past, you could safely sit on the sidelines and wait for that next single to drop in a few months, and maybe never make up your mind about the band. To this day, I still don’t own a single Alice in Chains album, and I still have no feelings about them one way or another. Meanwhile, I like MGMT more every time I listen to Oracular Spectacular, despite never having heard them on the radio or seen them on TV.

The future?

Who really knows what’ll come of the future. I know a lot of people are working on it, and I doubt I’ll have a say one way or another. I’ve got a million proposed solutions, and some of them I could prove would work, but I’m just some lowly comedian with a big mouth. We’ll see where it goes from here, but I hope MTV dies a painful death in short order. Shouldn’t it be illegal to call yourself Music Television when there’s no Music on your Television?

Assholes.

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• I am not a doctor
• I am not getting paid by anyone to tell you this shit
• I am not some anti-corporate conspiracy theorist shithead who’s going to tell you this information “is what THEY don’t want you to know, man!”
• I could give two shits if you take any of this seriously or not. Again, it makes ZERO difference to my income (see any ads on this site? nope)
• I have never, in 10 years of blogging, been a shill for the interests of any particular group or idea
• I’m only speaking from personal experience

QUICK BACKGROUND

All of that out of the way – let’s get to the heart of the matter. The “common cold” as it is often called is really just a generic ever-changing virus. The reason why there’s no over-the-counter cure is because it’s constantly mutating. It’s not life-threatening by any means, but it’s …. well, basically annoying. Ever OTC remedy you’ll find will say that it’s aim is to lessen the effects of the common cold. And, that’s great. I fuckin’ love NyQuil. I think it tastes great (I truly do, I wish there was a drink based on that shit), and it helps me sleep when I’m sick. The only thing I’ve found that actually does any good was Zicam. That is, until that whole class action lawsuit business. Still – I use it. Even the very item they say kills the sense tof smell. I still have that in my medicine cabinet, cause it worked pretty well for me and I can still smell.

THE CAUSE

Okay, so the only REAL way (as every doctor will tell you) to “cure” the common cold is to just let your body do its thing. And, what is that “thing” your body does? It heats up (this is why you get a fever), it drains fluids (in the form of a runny nose), and it ejects pieces of the virus stuck in your air passages (in the form of a cough). Viruses are simply cells that are not native to our body. Most viruses (this includes the “common cold”) can be heated internally and destroyed. It just takes a few days to really do it up right. Our bodies are pretty amazing like that.

THE CURE

The reason you’re reading this, I’m sure, is “okay, what is this fucking cure you speak of?”. To put it simply : get yourself a hair dryer, point it at your face, and breathe. To put it into instructional format….

1. Get yourself a hair dryer with an adjustable heat setting
2. Put it on “low” heat
3. Point it up at your nose
4. Keep the dryer’s temperature and proximity to your face at a level that you can FEEL heat going into your airway, but BEFORE it becomes anywhere near painful. It’s likely to be uncomfortable, but not by any means painful.
5. Breathe deep, slow breaths for between 5 and 10 minutes (I usually go for 10, doctors say “around 3 to 5″ minutes)
6. Blow your nose
7. Go to sleep

My personal experience was to do this on the first night of noticing I’m starting to get a cold. That weird scratchy feeling in your throat, the beginnings of your nose running and being “sniffly” – that’s when I do it. I take some NyQuil (or a sleeping pill, as I did a few months ago), and I follow the techniques I outlined above. I woke up the next morning feeling right as rain.

THE RESEARCH, PROOF, AND PROFESSIONALS

I first found out about this through a comment on one of my favorite sites of all time – Metafilter. Specifically ask.metafilter.com – a subdomain dedicated to users asking other users questions. One comment in particular is this one here that breaks down the basics of why it works. Another comment (from the same user) mentions it again in reference to allergies but this time – he links to an actual doctor’s recommendation about it. I have since Googled around and found other links…

• This eHow article
• This entire thread of Ask MeFi that is replete with other people extolling the virtues of “the trick”
• All the times the hair dryer trick was mentioned on Ask MeFi
• An entire Google search about it, which brings to light a few other times it might work

Take it or leave it – I’m just putting it here cause it worked for me and it might work for you. That’s why I wrote this entry.

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If you don’t yet “get it” – allow me to elucidate.

My Enablers

First and foremost, if the only time you read or update Twitter is by going to twitter.com, you’ll probably never “get it”. It might sound silly, but it’s way too much work to sit there and refresh your feed manually. And, for posting, to have to head over to bit.ly, TwitPic, TwitVid, yFrog, etc to manually shorten a URL or upload a pic/video is a giant pain in the ass. That kind of activity will discourage your Twitter usage mighty quick.

Personally, I use a great (free if you don’t mind the occasional, but very classy, ad banner) program called Tweetie. It updates itself every 5 minutes or so, and lights up a small icon in your menubar (if you so choose) when new tweets come in. If you’ve also got Growl installed (which I do), you can also get fancy Growl notifications for any mentions, replies, or direct messages. I keep Tweetie running 24/7, even while I’m sleeping, and while I don’t read every single tweet that comes through – I can skim and see if I’ve missed anything neat. When posting, it’s a simple keyboard combo (command-option-s) to immediately shorten URLs, and it has in-app “record video” and “add image” capabilities. Again, this is all within the app, no need to venture around and use all these other sites.

Beyond that, I finally bought an iPhone about 2 months ago. I bought Tweetie for the iPhone to get Twitter on-the-go. Tweetie 2, which was just released, is even better. I’d say it’s the best Twitter app for iPhone – and some other folks agree. I can snap a photo or video and post it instantly – like a dude trying to sell a baby bunny on Hollywood Blvd or my name on a marquee . That’s fuckin’ amazing, damnit.

Combine those two things and I’ve got Twitter everywhere. But, you might be asking, why the fuck would you want Twitter everywhere?

My High

Easily the number 1 detractor for new users coming to Twitter is that question “what are you doing?”. Let me say this now – I almost never care what you’re doing. Moreover, almost no one even posts what they’re doing anymore. The question should be “what’s on your mind?”. Now that’s a question I can get behind. That’s an answer I want to hear. Conveniently, that’s the question most people are answering anyway.

I follow a lot of comedians – I like to know where they’re performing next. When their next CD/DVD/Special is coming out. Better yet, most of them try out one-liners and joke concepts via their tweets. I do it, too. It’s a great way to get instant feedback. I posted the following one-liner a few days ago and it got re-tweeted about 12 times in a matter of minutes :

Beyoncé says “if you like it, you should put a ring on it” – which is why I’ve had my dick pierced for 12yrs now

Whereas, I previously talked about my Prince Albert in my stand-up act by saying “I love my dick so much – I bought it jewelry”, I’m thinking this line about Beyoncé might work better. That’s good information to know.

I read live updates from the set of Iron Man via Jon Favreau’s Twitter. Found out about UCB appearances by Thomas Lennon, Weird Al, Chris Hardwick and Doug Benson. When Reno 9/11 was officially cancelled, I found out about it moments later because of Thomas Lennon’s Twitter update. Oh, and Danny Devito loves to post pics of his “troll feet” in interesting places.

Friends of mine will post restaurant and club recommendations, summarize an evening of debauchery, live-tweet a bad date, review movies & tv shows, post fascinating/funny links… you name it. Getting the occasional snapshot of your friends’ mental state is a fascinating thing.

The Twitter Hate

The funniest thing in the world to me about Twitter hate is that it generally comes from people who use “status updates” on MySpace and Facebook. Umm… you DO realize that’s the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING, right? The pleasant difference is – Twitter doesn’t have “friend requests”. You follow whomever you want, and if they want to be notified of new followers, they will be. If you “unfollow” someone, they’d have to manually check your profile and see that you weren’t following them anymore. There’s ZERO indication that you’ve stopped following their updates otherwise. This makes follow/unfollow into a nice, passive activity. And, something you can do or undo any time you want – in ONE CLICK. Sometimes, I’ll unfollow people for a few days because they’re live-tweeting something that doesn’t interest me and it’s taking over my Tweetie stream, and then I’ll follow them again a few days later when it’s died down. I go back and forth with Kevin Smith’s tweets because he gets a little out of control with the whole thing. Right now, I’m not following him.

Wrapping Up

Seriously, Twitter is amazing. It took me awhile to “get it”, but now… I just love the shit out of it. It’s not just entertaining, it’s also great for self-promotion, and learning new things, and seeing new sides of people I’d otherwise never know. It’s just an amazing bit of technology that seems simple and stupid but is a great example of letting a community define the utility.

Oh, and you can follow me here if you’d like.

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2. How’s About some MITCZ, LIVE ON YOUR COMPUTER?!? (again)
3. The Most Important Metal Bands of All Time

That being said, it’s also very hard for me to get up the courage to put all of my work onto the written page. This is a labor of love for me. I’ve spent many years actively working on the material and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t, at least in some way, sort of spent my whole life trying to unravel the mysteries I’m trying to uncover in the book. So, putting that sample chapter up in the first place felt like inviting the whole world over to give me an in-depth physical. “Go ahead.. put a finger in my ass, complete stranger!”.

Now comes a veritable “moment of truth”. This chapter I’m seeding out (again in both PDF and MP3 formats) is the most representative work of the book. It’s the first non-introduction chapter of the book. It sets the stage for everything that comes after it. It’s brutally fucking honest. Men and women, both, will likely feel a sting of discomfort at some point in the course of the 7 pages of this chapter. And, frankly, I have no idea how the world at large will handle it.

This chapter encompasses my years of research and my personal interpretation of that data in a way that ties it all together to make a point that I feel needs making. This chapter is about the term “slut” – what it means for you, what it means for me, and what it absolutely does NOT mean.

It’s over twice as long as that first sample chapter (7 pages instead of 3) and my semi-dramatic reading of it clocks in at 18 mins, instead of 6 mins. I think the average reader could plow through it in under 12 mins – and the only friend of mine so far who’s read it managed to read it twice in 20 mins. So… your mileage may vary.

With all of that out of the way, if you’re ready..

Download the 1st chapter of my upcoming book by clicking here

As per usual, any and all comments are welcome and you can comment anonymously by sending an email to : book@revmitcz.com

Related posts:

1. My “Sex Book” Sample Chapter
2. What I’m Doing This Year
3. Oh, You Creep

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend since <date removed> that makes it <a lot of> years… Before that I was dating this guy who had some issues and moved out to <another state>. Now I’m having some strong feelings towards him again….should I move out to <another state> or not?

My (shortened version) reply was..

For the love of all things you hold dear – DO NOT do this because you think some fantasy you’ve cooked up in your head is gonna work out for you, or that this guy’s suddenly gonna drop everything and agree with your mindset. People almost never change. They just get better at hiding the shit everyone’s whined to them about changing. Spend a few months with someone you think has changed and there’s a 99.9% chance you’ll see the unchanged-but-lying-to-themselves person rear their ugly head. And then you’ll stop and think “ohhh shit. NOW I remember why we broke up!”

To that end, I posted to Twitter :

your ex didn’t “change after you broke up”, they just got better at hiding what you didn’t like

…and I was RT’d several times. I even got re-posted by friends on Facebook. Apparently, I struck a nerve of truth. That’s always good to know. But, I think I should expound a bit, because it’s a fascinating subject. So, here we go..

I’m Not On My High Horse

I truly, really, am NOT trying to be a hypocrite. And, I’m not just bashing everyone’s exes so we can all get on the “yeah, to HELL with my ex!” train together. Hi, we’re ALL someone’s ex. I’m an ex, too. And, yeah, I’m no fan of my most recent ex.. she can suck 100 cocks in hell for all I give a shit. But, I’m her ex, and the above advice (and subsequent Twitter post) apply even to her.

When I met her, she read through a number of old blog posts of mine, watched my show (Aural Salvation) and paid attention to how I was about life, women, sex and relationships. One blog post in particular, I talked about why I didn’t have a girlfriend. The long-and-short of it at the time was “shit… I don’t even know what I want. It’s unfair to bring someone along for the ride that’s not going anywhere”. Though I wanted to hang onto her when I met her, I didn’t want an actual relationship. So, we had an open relationship for about a year and a half and… fuckitlongstoryblablabla had a closed relationship for the next year and a half. Moving on.

I can even remember her watching an old episode of the show where Nad and I discussed marriage and kids. I thought it was a hilarious episode, but she told me “I can’t watch you talk like that”. What she was taking issue with is that, while I said I wasn’t entirely opposed to marriage, “I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anyone I’d want to put up with for that long”. That’s an honest statement – and, yes, I still feel that way.

She, in her ongoing “woe is me” bullshit mindset, ignored the “I’M NOT SURE” part and instead heard “I’ll never put up with anyone that long”.

Over the years we were together, I had to more and more hide these old statements I made. I couldn’t watch archives of the show around her. I couldn’t mention old blog posts. My standup comedy eventually became devoid of any “so, one time… in bed… THIS happened” jokes.

Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAD changed. That I wasn’t “that guy” anymore. That I no longer had any interest in casual sex, and maybe a married-and-one-day-family life is just what I needed. She and I talked about that at great length, even. So, when these ideas popped up in her head about Mitcz The Philanderer, she increasingly became able to dismiss them.

When we broke up – the first time – I jumped into bed with just about every girl who so much as smiled at me. Oops.

Fast forward to our final breakup, earlier this year, and I moved back here to Hollywood. Literally a few hundred feet from where I lived when she met me. And guess what? I’m right back to how I was. I don’t consider this a flaw – it’s who the fuck I am. And I’m done making apologies for what I love about life and you can go fuck yourself if you want to pass judgment towards me about it. I love my life, and I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

So, Do People Change?

Honestly? The answer is effectively NO.

That’s effectively. To speak from a statistical significance – if 1 out of 23892 people were shitting flowers, it’d still be safe to say “fecal matter smells”. It doesn’t mean ALWAYS, or IN EVERY SITUATION EVER. But, goddamnit… MOST of the time. The test I’ve been using for years is this..

If you’ve run into an old friend, or even an old ex, from YEARS ago and you’re thinking “I wonder if they do still that one thing“. Guess what? Get ‘em good and drunk, give it about 2 hours and you can make a small fortune betting on them doing that one thing over and over again.

Generally speaking, after about 19 years old, people are who they’re going to be for life. Sure, they’ll get smarter about shit (hopefully) and they might knock off a few of their more immature activities – but if they’ve got some personality defect like :

- They think they’re 100% right about everything
- They talk too damned much, and never let anyone finish a sentence
- They have a temper that gets fired like a fuckin’ hair-trigger
- They’re one of those loud, angry drunks
- They love drama and/or creating drama and/or like to whine about shit a lot

….that shit’s probably never going to change. Seriously. And I know every 5 years, you’ll run into them and they’ll make a very impassioned speech about how they used to be, and how they’ve “changed so much”, but run that drunk test on ‘em and you’ll see it. They’ll even get that crazy look in their eyes, the one that immediately transports you back to 5 years prior. They don’t need to be drunk for this test, mind you, but it usually takes a few weeks or months for them to get comfortable enough around you again to let their lying-ass guard down and let the crazy flag fly. Alcohol just speeds up the process.

Full-disclosure : when I was younger, I definitely tried to be right about everything and argued with everyone. I tried to justify every stupid little thing I did and I never apologized or said “you’re right, I’m wrong”. And, I talked a lot. So I was basically just a loud-mouth asshole. These days, I still talk way too much – but I’ve actively worked to change cutting anyone off or not giving anyone “the floor”. Not saying I don’t still probably talk twice as much as anyone else in the room, but it’s an ongoing change where I’m now actively seeking opportunities to just shut the hell up and listen, even asking questions that will lead others to talk at great lengths.

What have I actually changed about myself? Trying to be right all the time. Shit, I’ve been embarrassingly wrong in my life, many many many many times. And while I used to try and defend it – not so much anymore. I even go so far as to start sentences with “I could be wrong, but…” or “Well, as far as I know…” and when I get into a discussion of opinions where one person thinks “we should do this” and I think “no, we should do this”, I immediately try and find a compromise instead of convince them that they should give up their fight and concede to me.

I am by no means a perfect person and would never claim to be. I can say I’m a better person than I was – but that’s my only goal. To better myself and make myself a bit more tolerable to be around. Thing is – change comes from within. And, unless you drop your ego long enough to realize “holy shit… I was SO fucking wrong about that” on your own time, and feel a sense of guilt and shame, all you’ll ever do is hide that shit from people long enough to lure them in. And that, my friend, makes you an asshole.

Conclusion

Chances are, that ex of yours hasn’t changed the very thing that made your relationship fail in the first place. Compounding this is the fact that almost no one is ever 100% honest when they breakup. We all try to be soft about it. And, yeah, we’ll mention faults, but ultimately it ends with “….and I just don’t think it’s actually going anywhere” or “…but I just don’t think it’s gonna work out”. If you were actually honest with the person, they’d fuckin’ kill themselves. No one wants to hear..

“Look, I’ve seen you practically everyday for years now. I’ve lived with you and seen every side of you there is to see. And, frankly, you’re kind of a piece of shit. You’re selfish. You’re messy. You’re hypocritical. You’re needy. You’re judgmental. You make me feel like a lesser person when I LOVE the person I am and now I resent you for turning me against literally my closest friend – ME! Looking at you now feels like I’m staring at an STD. I want to warn the whole world to stay away from your crazy ass, because you’re nothing but hurt, lies, and misery”.

Yes, I wish I’d given that speech, too. But, I had my own bullshit reasons for trying to keep shit civil (not the least of which is that we still lived together and I didn’t wanna get stiffed on rent, or come home to find my shit broken or missing). The smart money, however, says – 10 years from now – she’ll still be selfish, jealous, hypocritical, and vindictive without reason. And, I’ll probably still talk too much (but hopefully, that’ll be even more of my job than it is now).

By comparison – 10 years from now, I’ll still get really excited when I see titties. And I’ll still be thinking “golly.. I’d like to have to sex with that woman” when I pass a hot girl in the street.

So, that ex never found out the real 100% reason you left them, so they’ll never think to change it. And, you might even have forgotten cause it’s some deep-seated shit that would take MONTHS to even uncover. Like, maybe, they have a low self image so they innocently flirt with other people to boost their ego but silently punish you for the same thing by doing minor things they know you hate and pretending they didn’t notice, or they forgot.

Wrapping it all up – don’t dig through your trash and don’t go back to your ex. There’s a maybe 1% chance it’ll work out, and while you’re trying to patch that shit up, you’re ignoring literally a world full of other people you could be with instead.

Related posts:

1. Oh, You Creep
2. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”
3. Dear Mom

Why I Consider The Bible A Work of Fiction

Consider this important fact : there isn’t a single fact mentioned in The Bible which, at the time of its publishing, was unknown to science and has since been proven true. Not a single fucking thing. Read that sentence again if you must, and really let it sink in. If the creator of all life on earth and the universe itself was speaking directly to humans, inspiring them to write a book about it all, don’t you find it odd that “he” didn’t give a single iota of new scientific knowledge?

Funnier still, however, is that what little “science” you’d find in the bible was either well-known at the time or horribly fucking wrong. One quick example – a few years ago, Bill Nye (yes, THAT Bill Nye) was giving a speech at a college in Texas and quoted this passage in The Bible..

“God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”
- Genesis 1:16

His scientific reaction, as you might imagine, wasn’t very supportive…

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

One article I read about it got passed around for a time, when it was brought to light that “some members” (no indication is given as to how many “some” is here, but let’s hope it’s a very small number) were upset by his remark and left the room. One woman even shouted “We believe in God!”.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again : you can believe anything you want. But beliefs do not make it fact. I can believe I have a 14-inch cock. Hell, I might even be able to convince some people that it’s true through the power of an impassioned speech. Let’s say I even convinced a room full of people that my cock would’ve made John Holmes feel inadequate. But ya know.. dropping my pants would reveal the sad truth of the matter, and my newfound followers would bow their heads and give me a shameful “tsk, tsk, tsk”. This wouldn’t be an altogether uncommon reaction when my pants come off, but I digress.

The point I’m making is very simple – The Bible contributed exactly zero to science. Ever. And it never, ever will.

Want To Fight About It?

I really have zero desire to get into a lengthy religious debate. I gave that shit up in my early 20s, at latest. You keep on believing whatever helps you to sleep at night. Fine by me. If it gives you a moral standing and helps you to be a good person – hey, more power to ya. I’m not here to piss in your Cheerios, man.

If you just have to say something cause, “golly garsh, man.. that Mitcz fucker really chapped my hide by talking smack about The Bible”, well.. go right ahead. Just don’t expect me to give a shit.

Related posts:

1. Ohh Palin. You dumb little cunt.
2. I’m Gonna Be Naked in Playboy!
3. Things That Are Pissing Me Off

I told her that if I were to ask, say, anyone who would respond to such a question who would be included in a list of top 5 most important metal bands of all time, everyone would at least mention Iron Maiden.

To that end, I posted on Twitter (and by extension, Facebook) a question : “What would you consider the TOP FIVE MOST IMPORTANT METAL BANDS OF ALL TIME?”

Before I post the results, let me clarify some things :
1. “Most Important” doesn’t mean “bands you rocked out to more than any other”
2. This is strictly a “metal” list. Hard rock/Classic Rock/Industrial doesn’t count.
3. Album sales definitely have an impact on importance but, for instance, Slipknot’s album sales will NEVER mean shit to oldschool metalheads. And, frankly, they shouldn’t. Slipknot sucks. Get over it.

The List

Here, then, is the full list of bands (in alphabetical order) that were suggested as “most important ever”, in parenthesis is the percentage of times the band was included in people’s answers. If you see a “*”, that means a special note.

• AC/DC (40%)
• Black Sabbath (100%)
• Deep Purple (1%)*
• Gwar (1%)*
• Iron Maiden (98%)*
• Judas Priest (27%)
• KISS (20%)
• Led Zeppelin (60%)
• Mayhem | (1%)*
• Metallica (65%)
• Motley Crue (30%)
• Motorhead (20%)
• Pantera (35%)
• Possessed (1%)*
• Slayer (40%)
• Throbbing Gristle(1%)*
• Tool (5%)
• Venom (1%)*

Deep Purple = Suggested by one voter. Not sure that even counts as “metal”, but included for prosperity.

Gwar = Also suggested by one person. Though I love Gwar, I don’t think they are/were “important to metal”.

Venom, Mayhem, Possessed = All suggested by Shane Bugbee. Amazing and wonderful motherfucker. You should take a moment to vote for him to give a speech at SXSW by clicking here because the story of how he produced an underground documentary about America on zero budget is astonishing — and I say that as a personal friend AND a fan of his.

Iron Maiden = Technically, Iron Maiden got 100% of the vote (along with Black Sabbath), but two people voted twice by coming back later to include Iron Maiden. I’m guessing they saw other people’s comments and added Maiden after the fact.0

Throbbing Gristle = One person voted for this band. In a list of “Top 5 most important INDUSTRIAL bands”, I’d expect this. But they had zero impact on metal. That person conceded as much, and said “okay…. Motley Crue, then” as their 5th choice.

My “top 5″ List

Honestly, I’m trying to stay as unbiased as I can. But, I’ll give my “top 5 most important” and explain why they made it while others didn’t.

Black Sabbath
Does this really need an explanation? 100% of people who heard “important metal” listed Black Sabbath. WIthout question, they are the most important metal band of all time, and are easily in the top 10 for most important bands of all time, regardless of genre. Am I the only one that finds it fascinating that they’re also the only successful band from the late 60s whose original members are all still alive? This includes Ozzy, who apparently was so bored snorting every drug known to man that he even snorted fucking ants. That he’s still alive says to me that he and Satan are close friends. Or that Sharon is Satan’s daughter and she keeps telling her dad that “he’s actually a really nice guy” and he can’t bear to break his little daughter’s heart by killing Ozzy.

Iron Maiden
Take a listen to Killers and you’ll hear the end of punk progressing into the beginning of speed metal. When Bruce Dickinson took the helm as a vocalist, it’s almost as if he introduced the very concept of higher-pitched vocals for metal. That they’ve consistently released albums for almost 25 years speaks to their importance. Surprisingly, they’ve also never sold out to some new genre/style that was popular at the time, either. My personal favorite album of theirs is Seventh Son of a Seventh Son and I can still hear traces of it in A Matter of Life and Death. This might explain why they’ve managed to sell over 70 million records.

Metallica
You can safely ignore everything that happened after …And Justice For All and you’d still have 4 of the greatest albums ever released to the world of metal (or, up-for-debate, across any genre). In fact, what made their self-titled “black album” so upsetting for us longtime fans was that they just got amazingly better throughout each album. To top Justice would’ve been an amazing feat, so I can’t say I’m surprised they didn’t accomplish that goal. As far as I’m concerned, they all died in a terrible accident just after that album and were replaced with clones who looked identical, but had almost none of the talent of their original donors. Still, you can’t underestimate the fact that they’ve sold over 100 million records.

Slayer
I’ll admit – I’m not a big fan of Slayer. But I’d be an asshole and a liar to ignore their impact on the world of metal. They’ve consistently been harder and faster than almost any band out there and they’ve stuck to a formula that works and gets the fans in a whirlwhind throughout the last 28 years, spanning 10 studio albums and 2 live albums totalling roughly 10 million album sales.

Pantera
As far as I’m concerned – the aforementioned 4 bands are mandatory. Whoever you pick as the fifth is just personal opinion. And, in my personal opinion, Pantera was immensely important. They kept the metal scene alive when bands were under-selling, over-producing, and just generally dropping the ball, while shit-ass “neu metal” acts stole the spotlight with mediocre attempts at compiling the masses. I’m looking at you, Slipknot (who, for the record, still sucks), POD (who sucks even worse because they’re metal for Jesus. Umm.. that’s illegal in the metal world, you fuckin’ pansies) and Limp Bizkit (don’t even get me started on these panty-wastes). I also maintain that Great Southern Trendkill is as hard and fast as metal is allowed to go before you’re just singing along to the lead guitarist to prove a point. That theory was proved when even Pantera themselves had to slow down for their lackluster follow-up album Reinventing The Steel (an album that was “too little, too late” as far as I’m concerned). This is also the time to say that while I would love to see a reunion tour, this is one of the few bands that I doubt could ever make it happen not because of the death of their lead singer. To me, Pantera was a whole unit and there’s no way they could kick your face in without Dimebag (or, frankly, any other member of the band). But, it bears repeating – Dimebag Darrell was one of the greatest guitarists in history and arguably the greatest metal guitarist of all time.

Further Thoughts

I was surprised no one mentioned Anthrax, Guns N Roses, or Megadeth. While I wouldn’t personally include any of them in the “top 5 most important ever” list – I can’t say they wouldn’t all easily fit into the top 10. Hell, I’d question the sanity of anyone who wouldn’t place them all in the top 10.

As for Led Zeppelin – I don’t really consider them metal. Hard rock? Sure. Classic Rock? Definitely. But, while I have no doubt they made an influence on a great many metal bands (and by extension, metal fans), I don’t feel right including them in the genre of “metal”. Moreover, every band since the 1950s seems to point to The Beatles as an influence, but I wouldn’t include them in a list of Top 5 Jazz Bands, either.

I’m sure this list will offend a great many people, and I welcome any reponses – but, please take a moment to explain WHY it offended you. It’s only fair.

Related posts:

1. With Apologies to Your Mother & Fiance
2. Don’t Blame Pirates, Blame MTV
3. Dispatches of “Truth” pt 1

Moreover, I also pick out behaviors I despise in others and tell myself to avoid inching ever closer to having them myself. The unfortunate side effect of this is that, in moderation, most “bad” behavior is actually good. And normal. Even worth celebrating. When I go too far out of my way to avoid what I find “bad behavior” in others, I risk losing an essential piece of what’s made me…. ya know, ME.

Helluva way to start a blog, but there’s a point a-comin’, I promise. Let’s talk about creeps and creepy behavior.

It’s no secret that I’m full-on single for the first time in almost 3 years. This means I’ve gone back to a Mitcz I was far more comfortable with – the single Mitcz. Who takes opportunities and runs with them. Meeting new people whenever there’s a chance and.. yeah, maybe there’s a date with someone new here and there (specifics withheld to protect the innocent and um.. not-so-innocent).

One thing I’ve seen/heard a lot of over the years is the overwhelmingly creepy behavior of people. Mostly men, sad as it is to say. What women admire and are attracted to above all other things is COMFORT. I could get into a rant on just that alone, but suffice to say that creepy behavior is the world’s biggest turnoff.

So, I’ve become paranoid about being creepy. To such an extent, in fact, that women have recently considered me timid and shy on dates.

Yes, me. The guy who’s stand-up has opened with jokes about baby rape and necrophilia. The guy who spent 4-5 nights a week for over 2 years getting women to flash tits on an internet TV show. The guy who went into the bathroom with my reality show date’s friend to play show-and-tell (oops.. I’m still under contract. pretend I didn’t say that).

But, now I’m timid and shy. And… much as it pains me to say, a bit of a pussy.

How the fuck did that happen?

The grey line.

Look, women tend to dig on a man who’s confident, self-assured, dominant and (sometimes) a bit rough. And that’s great in theory, but… hey, no one likes a rapist. So, you can’t just go around groping women and jerking off in their face at the first sign of a “hello, what’s your name?”.

And therein lies the rub. Because I love talking intimately about sex, and I love the little secrets women hold about their sexuality, I get into these long conversations that I adore the fuck out of. About the first time they saw a penis, first time they held a penis, orgasms, squirting, awkwardness in bed, their penchant for rough sex, you name it. And, because I’m not using this conversation as an interview for potential bedmates, I go out of my way to seem non-threatening. Like I’m Alfred Kinsey or some shit. Or, as they’re more likely to think… their non-threatening gay friend.

This is where it stands, then. I try to not be a creep and I’ve backed myself into situations where women think “aww.. little puppy”. G’damnit, woman, I will cum in your fucking eye.

Just.. ya know, not before I go down on you or something. I’m still a chivalrist.

Related posts:

1. I’m Writing a Book and I Need Your Help..
2. Q & A : “Why Don’t You Have a Girlfriend?”
3. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?

It seems TEH INTARWEBZ are all a flutter (can’t say all atwitter anymore, thx you guys) about concept art and imagery released to build up the hype machine surround Tim Burton’s “re-imagining” of Alice in Wonderland. While many are excited, I feel an equal mix of worry, anger, disappointment and confusion.

Why confusion? Well, it seems to me that many of you have forgotten how many times Tim Burton has smeared fecal matter on celluloid and you’re ready for him to fuck you in eye sockets yet again. How lovely. Maybe that’s his secret appeal, though. Maybe that’s why studios continue to give him money. Call it artistic amnesia if you will. Sure, he’s always had intense and amazing visuals in his films (this is to his credit), but maybe some of you let that cloud your memory banks and you wake up the next day only remembering his dream-like dark worlds and little else. Not unlike the time your uncle touched your bathing suit area, and you don’t even think about it anymore and would sooner pretend it never happened until… well, some asshole like me brings it up.

Sorry about that. You wanna show me on the doll wher…. nevermind. Let’s just move on.

To cure a small corner of the internet of this artistic amnesia it seems to be suffering, let’s take a quick walk through Tim Burton’s cinematic guano[2].

I’m leaving out Ed Wood and Mars Attacks because, while not exactly “great cinema”, I can appreciate that the dude was having campy fun with shit no one cares enough about to protest. And, hey, they’re not too shabby.

Sleepy Hollow

To me, this is the high-water mark from which you can see his movies slip further into unwatchable crap. At the time he was making this film, he stood atop a grand mountain. High up there, sitting on the success of Edward Scissorhands, BeetleJuice, Nightmare Before Christmas, 2 Batman films, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure .. and, hell, even James and the Giant Peach to some degree, he must’ve sat and thought “From way up here.. I can shit on a lot more people’s heads”.

And so he did. And he did it by taking one of my favorite childhood short stories (and probably many of yours) and turning it into some film student’s half-assed attempt to put way too much fucking thought into something so simple. You’ve got a headless fucking horseman! And Johnny Depp! And millions of dollars budgeted! And a beloved tale! And…. you turned it into an episode of Scooby fucking Doo?

If you don’t remember the plot, here it is :
Johnny Depp is an investigator from New York sent to Sleepy Hollow to look into some beheadings. He doesn’t believe in ghosts and ghouls (how fucking original), so he sets out to solve the case with SCIENCE! Alas, science doesn’t win cause an evil witch stole the skull of the headless horseman (not sure how one manages that feat, but hey… she’s a witch!) and she commands the horseman to, ya know, go forth and do her bidding. Johnny Depp gets the skull back, gives it the horseman and he drags the witch to hell. That’ll show her!

Planet of the Apes

Seriously? Fucking SERIOUSLY? Now, I know you younger kids like your movies action-packed and all that backstory and endless dialogue really chaps your hide (what do you kids wear on your hides these days? girl jeans, right? Pussies.), but there’s a pretty important element in the original POTA. You see, the humans are treated BY APES the way apes are (ostensibly, and for the time the movie was released) treated BY HUMANS. To the apes, humans are morons. They’ve not the capacity to speak, or think grandiose thoughts, or… barely even wipe their asses. They are kept in cages because, as the apes long ago learned, humans do some pretty unruly shit. This is why the scene where Charlton Heston says “get your hands off me, you damned dirty apes” is such a big deal. No, it wasn’t the usage of “damn”, but it’s .. “HOLY SHIT! THE HUMANS CAN TALK!” and suddenly it fucks up their whole society cause they always thought humans were complete fucking morons. That they could talk unravels the very fabric of their reality.

In Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, the humans are talking the whole time. They’re just, for no discernible reason, being treated like shit by some kind of super-human (well, super-monkey, I guess) apes. No rhyme, no reason. No backstory. No big revelation. Just “hey, we can jump 40 feet in the air! We’re so much better than those humans. We should, like, take over shit”. Ooga booga.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Here’s TIm Burton, reaching far back into the recesses of my mind where everything I hold dear from my childhood hides out, hoping no one will get to them and.. he just smacked it around like a little bitch and tried fucking it in the ear. Probably took photos, too, the sick fuck.

I’m not going to go into great detail on why this remake was not only unnecessary, but also near-insulting to fans of the original. Once again, however, we have quite a lack of backstory on the children. The importance of the golden ticket isn’t played up NEARLY as much as it should’ve been — and the humor behind the world’s search for said tickets in the original is one of the greatest moments in the history of cinema. In Tim Burton’s version? A few minutes here and there, with some fucked up fascination Burton seems to have with proper dental care. His Willy Wonka also has some deep-seated daddy issues that made him basically run the factory just to piss off his daddy. Thanks, Burton. That’s a WAY better story. Oh, and he also left out all my favorite fucked-up shit going on in the original[3]. That shit’s character-building, motherfucker.

Sweeney Todd

I don’t know anything about the original musical. The few people I’ve known that did, however, have said the movie adaptation was mostly a pile of campy shit. The female amongst them added the obligatory “…but Johnny Depp wielding a straight razor made me wet”[4]. I’m not in a position of knowledge on the comparison, but I can say I left the theatre thinking “gosh… I sure wish I’d have used that 2 hours watching my dick wiggle instead”.

A hope, and a Plea

Admittedly, I have enjoyed quite a lot of Tim Burton’s work. I’m still on the fence about Batman Returns, but I own it and I’ve watched it.. maybe twice in my life. It’s decent. Though, compared to Nolan’s rebooted versions, neither of Burton’s originals are worth a shit. But then, I also have a soft spot for Michael Keaton cause he was Mister fucking Mom!

My hope in writing this is to remind everyone that Tim Burton has done a LOT wrong, and if he were anyone else, I’d half expect some angry nerd to have lit his house on fire by now (this is not a plea, it is a joke. Don’t burn anyone’s house down, least of all Tim Burton’s).

And, Mr. Burton, for the love of all things once wonderful and sacred PLEASE don’t fuck this shit up. I won’t be seeing it in the theatres anyway, cause I only let people piss in my eyes so many times before I learn to say “no” when they ask if I “want another drink there, big fella?”. But when I pirate the fucker, I might one day consider buying the DVD if it’s not as full of suck as I’m betting a shiny angry fist it will be.

Quick Notes

1. Julene told me to write this. Read her blog, too. She’s funny. And she shows her tits on there a lot.
2. Guano is bat dung. Yes, I’m aware of the irony. We call this “humor”.
3. You can see what I mean right here
4. Hey ladies – I use a straight razor, too. I’m no Johnny Depp, but uhh.. I have a lot of his DVDs.

Related posts:

1. Getting In Before Blasphemy Day
2. A Vow Of Celibacy, or A Bout of Insanity?
3. Hi, I’m a jackass. Er.. geek. Designer geek.