Ah.. fuck!!

It’s happening again. It happens every few years.. I hate this. I feel odd again.. I question everything. Let me explain..

I was looking through LJ and naturally I saw myself in amongst a friends list of someone else’s. I stopped, looked at myself in amongst all the other people who were defined as friends.. and questioned my existence.

Who am I? Who is that man in the picture? Is that really me? What am I doing here? What’s with all these electronics around me? Why did I bother to write all of this into a computer? I’ve never written these thoughts before.. I feel outside of myself for no reason at all.

I’m stuck inside the empty shell of some strange man. All those who surround me and I refer to as friends are just fancy strangers, with a bit of familiarity. My mother.. she’s even a stranger right now. Who does that lady think she is? She doesn’t even know me. We haven’t talked in about a month. She just popped me out, took care of me in her spare time and moved away from me. My dad too. Everyone. They left me all alone, not knowing who I am.

How are they content? Running into christ I suppose. There’s some divine light shining down and telling them it will be okay. IT WON’T BE OKAY… GET IT? IT’S ALL GOING TO END ONE DAY. NO ONE LOVES YOU. Fuck!

I fake a cool, collected vibe. I fake it so well I believe it myself. But who am I really? Where is this place? Does the universe have an end? If so, what’s outside of that? Or outside of that? Are we just floating specimens in the petri dish of a greater force? Is that greater force yet it’s one self-realizing specimen in the petri dish of an all-knowing monotheistic deity? Who knows. That is why we fashion ourselves intelligent. Because we think of this shit. Fuck that. Give me ignorance. Give me a lobotomy.

I don’t know what’s out there. I don’t want to know. I don’t think we’re ever supposed to know.

I’m fumbling, trying to light a cigarette. I’m fumbling, trying to write. I’m frowning because I’m losing it. I’m losing it.. I’m fucked up. I want to scream inside my head and say "Mitcz - get ahold of yourself.. you are more than a faction of your own imagination.. this is all real". But I don’t want to fear lying to myself. I have to stay calm.. no one should know what I feel right now.

This is all just barely scratching the surface of my underlying paranoia. I’m going to go pretend to be calm, content, happy, ignorant..

I’ll just ignore what my head is telling me. This way I can stay alive longer…

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