My own damn test :P

Posted by Rev. Mitcz

July 24, 2002

Okay, so it’s pretty much based on other tests I’ve seen… but I added/changed a few to make my own little test. Hopefully this test ends up pretty interesting:

1.Describe yourself in one word: Insane
2.Quote someone you know: "Welcome to Nad’s Diner. Today’s special is…. my ass" - Nad
3.Quote someone you don’t know: "I used to be with it. Then they changed what ‘it’ was.. now what I’m ‘with’ isn’t ‘it’ and what is ‘it’ is weird and scary to me. And.. it’ll happen to you, too!" - Grandpa Simpson (then later re-quoted by Homer Simpson)
4.Do your balls/boobs have names? Ya know… I never really gave them an official name.
5.What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? "Manos: The Hands of Fate" hurt my fuckin’ brain.
6.What’s the best movie you’ve ever seen? Oooh.. so many. But, I doubt anything will EVER top Star Wars: A New Hope
7.Worst music video? Any of those fuckin’ Andrew W.K. videos. All the songs are the same, and who buys this tool’s music? Is he really fooling anybody with that fake "I’m cool and harcdcore! Yarrr" attitude/look?
8.Best music video? toss between Michael Jackson’s "Thriller", Genesis "Land of Confusion", NIN - "Gave Up", and Nirvana’s "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
9.Describe your version of hell: A white-walled room, being invaded by Corporate lackeys and Xian evangelists dancing while Andrew W.K. covers the Boy-Band, Girl-Band and R & B hits of the late 90s.
10.Describe your version of heaven:Walking around Times Square w/all my friends living within walking distance and endless, intelligent, beautiful women hanging around outside in the middle of an 80 degreee weather endless late afternoon
11.Okay, you’re offered $1,000,000 to have safe sex with someone - who would you NEVER do for that amount of money (supposing it was 100% safe and no one would know)? I don’t think there’s anyone I wouldn’t have sex with that fits in that category. I would’ve said Jerry Falwell… but oh man what I’d give to have a video of ANY man fucking him in the ass broadcast on HBO or something. For a million bucks - I’d be that man and make him my little cock-suckin’, ass-receiving man-whore.
12.Now, would you take $1,000,000 for sex w/them, or a free "ride" on anyone in the world of your choice? if applicable - who would it be? Nah, I’d take the million for fucking someone really nasty that wouldn’t get me a disease or ever be known to anyone else.
13.Do you have any secrets that absolutely NO ONE knows about? Yes, don’t we all?
14.What’s the worst song ever written? "Party Hard" by Andrew W.K. is really high on the list, as is Siouxsie and the Banshees’ "Peek-A-Boo"… but anything by John Tesh makes those songs seem like Faith No More.
15.What’s the worst band that was ever formed? John Tesh, again. Or, any of those Boy/Girl bands.
16.What do you keep in your "goody drawer"? Lube, condoms, flavored lotion - the usual
17.What’s the weirdest thing in your house? Hmmm.. I guess my singing/dancing skulls, skeletons, and halloween decorations are pretty weird (at least, when it’s not halloween)
18.What’s your favorite word? Weltschmerz is pretty cool. And, Dennis Miller used a German word tonight over and over again that I should’ve written down - it (roughly translated) meant getting enjoyment from witnessing or having knowledge about someone else’s suffering. The idea is that humans are genetically predisposed to be that german word that I don’t remember
19.If you could learn something instantly, Matrix-style, what would it be? How to give any woman on earth an orgasm within 5 mins.
20.Name 3 sounds you like: Bob Ross’s voice (yes, the Joy of Painting guy), a woman having an orgasm, A cat’s purr
21.Name 3 sounds you hate: fingernails clicking together (like when people have kinda long nails and they clean one fingernail on their hand with another fingernail on the same hand by clicking them AAAHHH!!!), The sound of beer pouring on radio commercials, Low low low low bass pumping out of some G-Homie’s car
22.What’s a lesson you’ve learned the hard way? Don’t stick ya dick in the mash potatoes - even if it IS that kinda party
23.What’s something you would never do? Have sex with someone in my family
24.Someone whose diary you’d like to get your hands on: Champ had a fuckin’ good one - Mike Patton. G’damn. Or John Lennon.
25.A memory that still makes you cry: I don’t cry. But, I get depressed when I think of the last X-mas my family spent together, after my parents had announced their divorce but just before my father left
26.A memory that still makes you laugh: Nad telling me a story about a duck that jumped in his car and he hung out with at his apartment for week. I was really high and damn near killed myself from laughing - but oh my god that story just hurts to think about
27.A movie title that describes your life: Just the title, hmmm….entropy
28.If your life was a TV show what would the theme song be? "Dumb" by Nirvana
29.What’s the best compliment you’ve ever recieved? "You’ve got a really nice, big cock"
30.What’s the worst compliment you’ve ever recieved? While technically a "bad compliment" is really an insult… I’d say "I thought your ears were really sexy, because you had that 80’s-style multiple small gauge earrings up and down your ears with one dangly one at the bottom - like you had no idea that you were 15 years out of date" still takes the cake. Though, I thought it was pretty fuckin’ funny.
31.What is the longest crush you ever had? This chick Kari Rizzo, back in high school. I dug that chick from Sophomore year until about 2 yrs. ago when we finally had sex. Then I felt it was time to move on from the crush. The sex was really good though, if it matters.
32.What’s the longest grudge you’ve ever held? I still despise my step-sister. That’s 8-9 yrs. And, I hold a lifelong grudge with Elementary school kids whom I plan to get back at by becoming wildly famous.
33.If you could live in any time period when would it be? San Francisco Mid-60’s, SoCal late 60’s-Early 70’s, Seattle in the very late 80’s-Early 90’s, and to go back to Sophomore year in High School
34.Which of your friends would make the best cartoon character? Nad
35.What’s a word you can’t say with a straight face? It used to be boobies. Now, it’s Prune-Tang! (that’s old lady pussy - and copyright Â©2001-2002 Rev Mitcz, thank you very much)
36.Describe the last time you really pissed someone off: I’d rather not
37.Describe the last time you had a perfect moment: Last night
38.Who’s the best kisser you’ve ever encountered? Celina. Honestly, I’ve never really noticed until I met her. I guess I was usually too busy waiting to get laid. Strange what almost 11 months with one person will do to a skanky man
39.Worst kisser? This one crazy vegan cat-lover I kinda did some damage with just before I moved out of Phoenix. Ewwwie. And, she was a scorpio… really ruined a lot of things for me.
40.Describe your weirdest sexual experience: Haha.. the 70’s porno queen by far. For those of you who don’t know - she actually said all of the following out loud to NOBODY while we were having sex: "Oh yeah, this guy’s packing", "oops *kiss*, *waits exactly 5 seconds cause I counted* oops *kiss*, *waits exactly 5 seconds cause I counted* oops..", "mmm yeah, where ya goin’ big boy", "ooh yeah, right there, ooh yeah, ooh yeah, right there" and then I said "listen! I could cum in your face!" like an angry old geriatric man would say…. but it shut her up and I was able to finally get off
41.Have you ever shared a man or woman with one of your friends? Many times. I shared this chick Natasha w/my friend Trevor, we even took turns throughout the week taking her out on the town.
42.What would you like to see out your bedroom window? That’s the coolest question ever. But, I would like to see everyone from every religion burn, smash, and destroy their graven images and realize that they are their own gods and they have only themselves to thank/blame for their actions.
43.Who’s the smartest person you know? My dad
44.Most beautiful? Celina
45.Funniest? All my friends are fuckin’ hilarious, else they wouldn’t be my friends. I think I’ve had mild heart attacks from things they’ve said at one point or another
46.Who would you die for? No one, to be honest
47.Name someone who should NOT speak at your funeral: Jerry Falwell. My step-sister Brittany, and Bouschka’s a great cat but not the greatest eulogy-maker I’ve met
48.Name the song/album to be played at your funeral: Album? Faith No More’s Angel Dust, but it would have to be pre-ambled by Nirvana’s "Big Long Now"
49.Favorite Actor? Christian Slater
50.Favorite Actress? Catherine O’ Hara (the mom in BeetleJuice)
51.Favorite Comedian? George Carlin, Lewis Black, and Mitch Hedburg (or, "the other funny Mitch" as I like to call him)
52.Favorite Artist? Salvatore Dali
53.Name one major thing that’s changed in your life since 9/11: I guess my disdain for religions has only gotten stronger, but that’s not "major"… my love for quiet, peaceful living has definitely changed though.
54.What’s your favorite physical feeling? Ejaculation, laying in bed with someone beautiful, just holding
55.What’s your favorite emotional feeling? Knowing that it’s all going to be okay
56.Should drugs be legalized - and why/why not? Yes. Because all those commercials that say "I helped support terrorism by buying drugs" are hiding the painful truth that it’s really the government’s fault to begin with.
57.Pick something you aspire to complete in the next 1 year: Moving to NYC
58.What are the chances you’ll actually complete it? About 95%