okay, so I fucked up

I realized why I came out to Florida, I found my driving force. This might end up sounding ridiculous.. oh well.

I’m so used to being left behind, to leaving everyone emotionally, and never getting attached. I thought I could do that forever. Then I met Celina. I was so afraid of falling in love, so afraid of opening up that I just wanted to get away.. I’d originally considered getting away b/c things just weren’t working out for me in California for awhile there. But, then I just wanted to get away from commitment, from love.

Today has been one of the worst days of my life. With no car, I walked around in FL summer heat - some almost 2 miles to the grocery store. It was blazing hot on the way there, but it was raining, so it wasn’t so bad. After picking up what I’d considered the bare essentials - almost 20 lbs. worth of groceries, I started my walk home. Now the rain had stopped. It was about 90+ degrees, and the humidity musta been like 80%. I walked with these groceries, cutting off my circulation and killing my fuckin’ arms. I had so much sweat running down my face that I had to stop every 10 mins. to wipe off the sweat so I could see again. It burned my eyes.

I got to just outside my apartment complex, prolly another 500-700 ft. to go, and I collapsed. I just fell onto the sidewalk… drenched in sweat and barely able to move. I saw a maintenance man driving through the complex from the other side of the gate, and I was able to get enough energy to flag him down with my arm held up from my "sunny side up eggs" limp body. He drove around and picked me up. Musta thought I was insane. I told him I was from Cali. So, I’m the crazy punk from California that thought walking almost 4 miles in blazing Florida summer heat to get groceries was a really good idea.

When I got inside, I almost passed out. Bouschka was still crying, and wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t eat either. I felt like I was gonna vomit, and I tried - but nothing came out cause I’d only eaten one meal in the past 36 hours.

When I settled down, I considered calling some people, but there was no one to call. No one would come over and hang out. I got incredibly lonely.

fast forward 8 long, lonely hours later….

I just talked to Celina. She’s doing well out there, just cut her hair and no doubt looks more beautiful than ever. God I miss her. And Mike, and Bob, and Nad. And.. California. What the fuck am I doing out here? What was I thinking? I almost cried when I hung up w/Celina.. my eyes fogged up and I choked. Such an unfamiliar feeling after 12+ years of not crying that I almost threw up.

I gave up a loving girlfriend, a wonderful place to live (at almost 1/4th what I’ll be paying now), a great paying job (where I was offered more to stay), comfort, convenience, friends, a great local comedy circuit that I could’ve rocked all up and down to come live out in the boonies where the nearest store is about 2 miles away, with no friends anywhere, paying $900/month, working out of my apartment and hoping for more contract work so I can survive, no comfort, no convenience… just heat and crap. I’m miserable right now. You’ve no fucking clue what this is like, I can just about guarantee.

I’ve considered moving back, I even asked Scott if he’d give me my old job back, and asked the moving company to call me in the morning about how much it would cost to ship my stuff back home.

Problem is… even if I went back, I’d be leaving again in about 7-8 months anyway. I’d go off to NYC. I’d leave Celina, I’d leave Mike, Nad, Bob… I’d leave the job, I’d leave it all. While it may be easier then, b/c NYC has so much more to offer and I’d be living w/Mike’s friend — maybe it’s important to live in hell for a while so I can recognize and appreciate heaven even better when I see it.

I don’t know anymore. I’m fuckin’ sad right now. I dug this grave, and now I must lay in it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I really hope things look up for me soon. That’s what everyone says will happen.. but I’m just feeling really stupid. I feel stupid for leaving behind all that I had going on in Cali, where I’d have been a lot better off leaving to go to NYC than here in FL.

Ahhh… fuck it. I’m an idiot, and I’m admitting I was wrong. I’m gonna go try and not choke on held-back tears and fall asleep watching Vanilla Sky w/Bouschka.

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