House of 1000 Corpses

I don’t know about you, but personally I’d been waiting for this movie for a very long time. Even before the first trailer hit the usual trailer download sites, I’d already heard many years’ worth of rumor-mongering. After all, this would be a movie from, about, and for the lover of cult-classic horror flicks. No one who’s entire career has been based upon horror movie and cult-classic flicks could make a film that was anything less than a tribute to those very things, right? Well, I can finally say I have the answer.

First, a little background…

When White Zombie had released their 3rd full-length EP Astrocreep 2000, there were rumors circulating that within a month or two of it’s release, Rob Zombie would make his directing debut. They may have been referring to the “More Human than Human” music video, which was directed by Mr. Zombie. However, a few years back, after release of one of Zombie’s solo albums, I’d read in several places that he was in production of a movie and it was expected to be released sometime in 2000. The rumor mill was chock-full of speculation about the film, everything from “Zombie is hoping to break the world record for number of deaths shown in a movie” to the more reliable “It’s called ‘House of 1000 Corpses’ because it’s a house made of literally 1000 corpses”. After having heard about this goddamned film for some 3+ years, I was almost sure the damned thing was never coming out. I remember reading music magazines that reported, “This is the year we’ll finally be able to see the Zombie flick!”. One magazine went so far as to say that it was going to be the reason to stay alive until the summer, so one could witness it’s release. That was in 2001.

Then, about 6 months ago… something amazing happened. I went to see a movie, and while sitting through the trailers - I saw something that I felt was especially Zombie-esque. I thought, “No, this couldn’t be it… could it?” The trailer scared me for a minute, not on account of the visuals - but because it said “The film they didn’t want you to see… isn’t coming to theatres this summer”. I was like “awww… fuck, I’m gonna have to wait another year to see this fucker?” but then “it’s being unleashed!” lit up the screen. Happy days are here again.

I rarely, if ever, download any theatrical releases. I prefer to see the film in the theatres, to get the full effect. I love my DVD collection, and I love a good evening of home video watching. But, nothing beats the cinema. I’d read 100’s of reviews on yahoo from people who had downloaded the film about a month prior to its release. In all, most didn’t have very good things to say about it. I was almost getting disappointed, but then I don’t really care for the opinions of Yahoo! Movie-reviewing folk. Everyone’s a critic, I guess. The good news came about halfway through my foray into the bowels of Yahoo! User reviews. Apparently, the internet-released version was a screener version (as they usually are) and was quite a bit different than the full theatrical release. The full release was genuinely gory, while the net version was apparently rather tame. So, my hopes went back up again. I fear my hopes getting too high for most movies, however, as I’ve been let down far too many times as of late. Any of the recent Star Wars releases are a perfect example. K-Pax, too. I love both Spacey and Bridges; I figured the witty dialogue alone would be enough to keep me entertained. Alas, that movie sucked my left nut and didn’t even have the courtesy to finish me off… just tugged pubic hairs, really.

So, on to the review…

If you’re the type to just want to get the gist of a review - I’ll make it easy for you. Just answer a few questions, and I’ll let you know if it’s worth seeing.

Question 1: Are you a fan of Zombie’s artwork, music, and/or videos? (3 points)

Question 2: Do you watch and enjoy a lot of low-budget horror movies? (10 points)

Question 3: Did you thoroughly enjoy Texas Chainsaw Massacre? (5 points)

Question 4: Do you enjoy lots of violence, gore, murder, and all-out mayhem in movies? (10 points)

For every question you answered “yes” to, give yourself the allotted amount of points.

If you scored 20 points or above and you’ve yet to see this movie, you’d better go see it tonight or kiss your self-respecting Cult-classic lovin’ ass goodbye, cause you ain’t no kinda fan!

If you scored between 13-20 points you should go see this movie. You’ll probably enjoy it quite a bit.

If you scored any less than 10 points you’re probably not going to like this movie very much. But, you can read my review anyway just to see. (you big pussy!)

This is definitely a popcorn and soda flick - you must have something to munch on (and later make your stomach churn over) during the movie. If you’re squeamish, or you vehemently despised Texas Chainsaw Massacre… go see a romantic comedy or something.

The movie starts off with a nice little intro by Captain Spaulding. He’s the funny-faced character shown at the beginning of this review. The intro is actually a commercial for “Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Murder and Mayhem”, oh yeah - and his fried chicken “It just tastes s’damn good!” Thankfully, the credits/intro sequence thereafter is like watching a Zombie video. That’s cool with me. I can dig it. I hate it when the intro is just too drawn-out and annoying, and I sit in anticipation of the actual film. The accompanying background music for the title sequence is easily the best Zombie song I’ve ever heard. No shit. I can’t remember if there’s ever been a time when I’ve actually wished the intro sequence would’ve lasted longer, but I actually did. I was just rockin’ out to the music. Good times.

At some point in this intro, we’re given the date - “Halloween Eve” 1977.

We’re then thrust headlong into good ol’ Spaulding’s gas station (and, conveniently enough, also next-door to his aforementioned Museum). If you’re afraid of clowns, you’re kinda fucked. There’s a nice eerie, laughing clown guarding the entrance to Spaulding’s gas station. Spaulding himself is the next to be seen - and he’s damn near always in that clown makeup. That’s part of the eeriness, really; you think to yourself “so, everyone’s just… cool with this murder-loving clown-faced whacko? Hmm. weird town”. So, Spaulding hits the screen, jabbering away. You see him talking’ it up w/some local (perhaps co-worker?) about some retarded kid. Spaulding, I must admit, came off as a really nice guy - to me. I thought, “I hope this isn’t supposed to be one of the scary guys in the film, cause he’s just too damned nice”. Maybe I’m just seeing his inner good? Eh, whatever.

You really start to dig the guy, though. Take his second on-screen character interaction, wherein a pair of robbers bust into the shop, guns waiving about. Spaulding is none-too-impressed with these wannabes. His co-worker recognizes one of the robbers (small town, ya know), which gives Spaulding a good laugh. He’s told to put his hands up - which he does with middle fingers lifted up on both hands. The gun-wielding robber gives Spaulding “to the count of 5″ to hand over the cash. “1….” Spaulding yells, “Fuck your mother!”. “2….” “Fuck your sister!” “3….” “Fuck your father!” “4…” then some burly guy busts in, and helps put the robbers down. Spaulding finishes with “Finally… fuck you!” shoots the poor schleps and the post-killing cleanup begins. Now, on to the kids..

As the usual horror plot goes, some hapless teens are on some kind of a road trip, and they realize they need gas/tire’s blown out/food/bathroom break/etc. This time it’s just gas. It was done tastefully enough that you don’t get the impression these kids are totally fucked. They’re “kinda” out of gas - or they will be shortly. They see a sign for Capt. Spaulding’s Museum, gas, and fried chicken alongside the highway. Again, we’re not thrust into the highly unlikely scenario of “goodie two-shoes” kids suddenly getting the curious bug up their ass, and deciding to “investigate”. The two guys who are actually awake (their girlfriends are sleeping in the back seat. Well, one is a girlfriend, the other is just a friend, who happens to be a girl) are also avid horror fans, and heavily interested in things of the macabre. Finally, a character I can relate to. So, this gas station is the perfect place for them. I think that was a genius way to go, really. Quite the irresistible temptation.

So, now we’ve got the where - Captain Spaulding’s Gas Station & Museum. The Who - these teens, Captain Spaulding, and a few of his co-workers. And, the why: because these kids need gas, are curious, and just happen to love horror films.

Where does this get them in trouble? Well, the whole 4-person crew (two guys, the girlfriend, and the girl friend) take Spaulding’s Museum tour (complete with serial killers, even obscure ones like good ol’ butt-paddle sadomasochist Albert Fish), and he talks about “Dr. Satan - a local legend”. The boys decide “whee! Let’s go take a look!” Spaulding genuinely tries to warn them, and basically likens their curiosity to what it is - some suburbanite teens in need of a thrill. Regardless, he draws them a rudimentary “map” to the tree where Dr. Satan was hanged and then later gone missing from. They go, pick up the hottest hitchhiker in history (Baby - played by Zombie-video star Sheri Moon) the tire is shot out by a sniper in the bushes, and the girl says she’ll take them to her towing/mechanic brother. The house, conveniently enough, is within walking distance.

I’m going to stop here. I don’t want to bring out the play-by-play. I just wanted to set the scene. Basically, though, little Ms. Hotness herself brings the single guy to her house, which is replete with more freaks and ne’er-do-wells than the Manson ranch. This is where the Texas Chainsaw Massacre similarity begins. It’s almost a direct tribute to that movie in particular, and I’m pretty sure it was intentional. They even reproduce the eerie “entering the house through a side door, and seeing weird chickens in cages” scene from TCM, later in the film.

The casting was tremendously well done. Apparently, it’s quite the “who’s who” of cult-classic actors. Not being too well versed in that, the only one I thought I recognized was Sheri Moon. She plays the super-sexy devilishly evil semi-ditz girl to a T. Just as Zombie’s songs are filled with classic one-liners (”I don’t try anything.. I just do it. Wanna try me?”), so is ‘House’. I’d say the better part of the movie’s evil one-liners are delivered by Baby. In a liquor store “We like to get fucked up, and do fucked up shit” The clerk responds, “(hyuk-hyuk) I hear that. I like gettin’ fucked up too, doin’ fucked up shit” - she gives the perfect slutty-farmer-girl-from-the-south-fantasy look, and delivers “yeah… I’ll bet you do, fella”. Later, in the house, one of the teens is trying the house special treat - and remarks on its good taste. “Ain’t the only thing tasty in this house”, says Baby with a sexy giggle. She waddles her hot little ass away; thong sneaking up out of her pajama bottoms…. it’s the stuff of horror-lover fantasy.

Throughout the movie, you might get confused as to what exactly is going on. It’s reminiscent of Beavis & Butthead, to an extent. For instance, one time B & B were in the hallways of some building-or-other, and they both fell down several flights and were knocked unconscious. At the climax of the cliffhanger, the two of them were suddenly back to watching music videos. Once the video was over - we went back to them lying unconscious. Why? No one knows. In ‘House’, we’re treated to a similar schizophrenic editing style. Zombie-esque montages fill in for a few seconds, sometimes minutes, at a time - then suddenly we’re back to the freaks in the house, doing freaky shit. I’m not sure why the montages were put in place, they seem to do little more than to serve as quick intermissions while we “wait in suspense” for the next scene. It slowed things down, and sometimes it can get downright annoying.

My roommate, who also saw it, had the following to say:

“I didn’t like it. It was pretty horrible, really. I mean, the direction sucked, the editing was trash, the storyline was almost non-existent, there was little in the way of a plot, and the violence seemed like…. violence for the sake of violence”.

I don’t agree with that. It’s not fair to, nor applicable to comparison to a mainstream movie, by any means. The editing style.. Yeah, it was a bit off at times. That can be somewhat jarring to take. But, then my roommate’s not a big fan of TCM either. Violence for the sake of violence? I’m never sure what that means. But, yeah… sure, it’s got that, too. I mean “sake of” means “for the reason of”. And, violence, in horror movies - has little reason. It’s just violence because whoever inflicts it is a mean person, and wants to hurt people. So, it follows naturally that one would inflict violence for the reason that they are violent and wish to cause violent harm. Whatever. It just sounds like film-geek uber-intellectual speak to me. I don’t have time for that.

As I said earlier in the review - if your points were high enough to warrant you seeing this film - you’ve probably already seen it, or you definitely should see it. If you’re not in this genre’s target audience, this movie won’t make you a fan. Personally, I loved the film. I loved it for the simple fact that it was a great tribute, it was pulled off like no one but Zombie could pull off, and it was un-mainstream enough to be thoroughly enjoyed by those who would enjoy it, and pretty much hated by anyone else. Cool with me. This movie was specifically made to be a cult-classic. For that, it exceeds my expectations. In comparison to a “normal” movie, or even mainstream horror movie - it’s not even applicable to comparison. On a semi-related note, this movie is scored to perfection, honestly. I don’t think anyone could complain about that. Since Zombie’s music was inspired by the movies he’d seen growing up, it just feels perfect that his music is the backdrop for what is destined to be a cult-classic.

Years back, I was just starting to become an avid movie lover. This was also just as DVDs were starting to become mainstream. So, my DVD collection has grown above and beyond what my VHS collection has ever been. When I see a new movie in the theatres, my first thought afterwards is now “will I buy it when it comes out on DVD?” To me, that’s pretty much the ultimate test of how much I enjoyed a film. The answer for Ho1KC (as one horror-review site called it) is a resounding, enthusiastic, and demented “Hell Yes!”

(Editor’s Note: This having been my first review ever, I’ll admit it’s… fairly amateur. Anyway, if you’d like a much better review of H01kC, check out the one at zombiekeeper.com. I skimmed some of it for reference, but after I’d written my review, I read theirs in its entirety. I’m jealous. Oh well.)

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