Oh no! It’s the SARS Monster! EveryBody Panic!

I held back writing this article, originally, because I figured within a few months SARS would be just about eradicated and then I’d have a time-sensitive article lying around in the AMF archives. It might look silly a year or two from now. I’m not so concerned with that now, though, because most of what I’ll be talking about in this article will be focusing more on the paranoia surrounding the disease. And, paranoia my friend, is timeless.

Sometimes, in this (supposedly) great country of ours, one has to sit back and laugh at the silly bastards running rampant with paranoia as the strong-willed monkey on their backs. It seems this paranoia, this time, is not just limited to the U.S. Other countries are now chiming in with somewhat equal paranoia. Then again, maybe it’s just made to look that way because the U.S. media is a pretty fucking powerful force in this world, and if they run paranoid news stories, the world just might follow suit. I’m not here to assume that is the case, I’m just proposing the thought. For the sake of this article, I’m going to assume the world at large is overreacting to SARS, and that the U.S. media is doing little to quell those fears. First, however, let’s take a good look at our semi-recent paranoid activities.

•2002 - A “terrorist” sends a few anthrax-laden envelopes to people in high places. The anthrax scare rushes throughout the nation. Media centers warn people to “refuse mail they weren’t expecting” and millions of people live in fear of contracting some anthrax-related illness. We’re all given the usual “here are the symptoms…” warnings. Even while anthrax reports were being made, it turned out at least 2 had contracted anthrax “the old-fashioned way” (living and breathing in close proximity of farm animal feces).
Total reported cases: Between 10-15. Total reported deaths: 5 Lifespan of scare: About 2-3 months.

•2001 - A group of terrorists, suspected to be from the Islamic group “Al Qaeda” launch a terrorist attack on the nation, utilizing box cutters to hijack airplanes and using the airplanes to destroy their strategic targets. They attacked and caused severe damage to The Pentagon building, the World Trade Center’s twin towers, and inadvertently destroyed a number of neighboring WTC buildings. 4 attacks were carried out that day - the 4th being unsuccessful in whatever their intended target was - but succeeding in killing everyone on the plane. Thereafter, the news stations encouraged us to “live our normal lives” while simultaneously broadcasting messages of impending attacks from a number of suspected terrorist groups around the world. These broadcasts were accompanied by a color-coded system of “high alert warnings” from good ol’ Dubya, just in case we felt safe. Since September 11, 2001 - there has been no report of any Al Qaeda activity within the U.S. (and only “suspected” reports from abroad), nor has there been any “anti-American terrorist” attacks on the U.S. of any sort. I would say that there has been absolutely no terrorist attacks in the U.S. whatsoever since 9/11, but someone might consider the sniper shootings as “terrorist” activities.
Total reported attacks: 4 Total reported deaths: 3,030 Lifespan of scare: 9.11.01 - Somewhat Currently

•1999 - 2000 - Before and after the school shootings in Columbine, it seemed there was a new report of school shootings every month, or less. The news agencies, as usual, gobbled this shit up and let us all know that “our kids just aren’t safe in school anymore”. Strangely enough, I remember hearing about a great many gang-related school shootings occurring all over the U.S. in the early 90’s, but they weren’t being reported as often (or as frighteningly) as their late-90’s - early “new millennia” counterparts. Personally, I think a number of the attacks surrounding this era were just a matter of under-appreciated kids in need of some high-class media attention taking the “easy” way out. Sad, but it’s my theory. I did a little research on these school shootings, and it appears that the combined total number of school shootings from 1998-2000 was at least half of any 1 year since 1992. Here’s how it pans out (source: religioustolerance.com)

1992-93 school year: 55

93-94: 51

94-95: 20

95-96: 35

96-97: 25

97-98: 40

98-99: 15 (side note: there was 1 in Canada, as well)

99-00: 3

Seems like 1998-2000 was the safest time to go to school, wouldn’t you say? I graduated in 1997, so I’ve seen the worst of it, apparently.
Total reported attacks: see above. Total reported deaths: see above. Lifespan of scare: About a year.

•1994 - 1995 - (from everythingabout.com) “African honey bee queens were imported by Brazilian scientists in the 1950s in order to breed a honey bee for use in tropical climates. Some swarms escaped into the wild. Because they were highly adapted for tropical survival and had no natural competitors, they thrived and spread rapidly through South America, extending their range by as much as 500 km (300 mi) per year. By the 1980s, Africanized honeybees had reached Central America and soon colonized Mexico. In 1990 the first swarm was found in the United States. The bees spread from Texas to New Mexico and Arizona and then into California by 1994.” If you’ve seen Michael Moore’s “Bowling For Columbine“, you’ll likely remember the extent of this scare, especially the hilarious Oprah Winfrey quote that basically warned us all that we were going to die as a result of these fuckin’ bees. Turns out that while the number of bee stings reported has gone up quite a bit since 1990, no more bee-related deaths than usual have been reported. A quick check with CNN shows they were still reporting this story as recently as 1999. Their sources say that (I’m actually quoting here, to make a point) “Five people are known to have died from killer bee stings nationwide since 1990″. Ooh… FIVE!! Out of 6.6 billion people on this earth? How scary.
Total reported Attacks:(?) Total reported deaths: Approx. 5 Lifespan of scare: About a year, but see above.

Yes, I know there’s about 1,000,000 more cases of U.S. Media-induced paranoia out there - hell, I could probably stretch it back as far as 100 years ago if I were so inclined. But, for the sake of not boring you to death, I’m going to get back to the real meat of this article: the fuckin’ SARS scare.

As of this writing, there have been 4,649 people in 29 countries affected by the disease. Of that number, 274 of them have died. If you’re going to jump on my cock about not having respect for the dead - save it. My condolences, whatever those are worth, go out to anyone even mildly affected by this, or any epidemic, crime, tragedy, or just plain “oops!” that might have ever occurred since the dawn of time. With that out of the way, I will now kick some serious paranoia-killing ass. Then again, if you’re naturally paranoid, what I’m about to tell you could keep you from ever leaving the house. I apologize, but barely.

Here’s a little statistic layout I made, during my research for this article. Sources listed below.

That table was the result of about 30 minutes of research - if I were so inclined, I could’ve filled up 2 pages of text with the various number of deaths from various diseases worldwide. One could argue “well, most of the developing countries of the world don’t have the adequate health facilities available to combat the amount of diseases we do”. That’s true, however, even when you take the developing countries out of the equations above, you’ll still be left with some pretty staggering numbers. SARS, though, in its approximately 2-3-month span has barely consumed more lives than 4 hours worth of worldwide Tetanus deaths (Tetanus claims 57 lives per hour, worldwide). Hell, pneumonia claims more lives in a single day in the U.S. alone than the entire known history of SARS has in its time on our headlines.

Furthermore, I’m going to break some shit down for you, making this whole SARS thing even less frightening. Of the 4,600+ people who have been infected worldwide, the 274 lives it claimed make up a whopping 6%. The World Health Organization (WHO) says that, most likely, the death rate will stay in the 5%-6% range. To break it up even more, of the 274 reported deaths, 237 of them have been in China/Hong Kong, where they’ve now got it contained. Toronto, where the latest “don’t go there!!” scare has been issued, is responsible for 19 deaths. I hardly think that’s cause for a travel warning, and I know the Canadians agree. After all, they haven’t had a single case of SARS reported in over a week now - 20 days is the minimum for the WHO to rescind their travel warning. They say those at highest risk for SARS are the elderly, and those who already suffer from severe breathing problems. While it might sound like anyone is effectively at risk for SARS, there has only been one case of someone contracting the virus who was under the age of 50. That person was an “otherwise healthy” 37-year old male from China. There have only been about 10 deaths for people in their mid-late 50’s, while all others were in people over the age of 65. Oh sure, freakish things happen in nature and it’s possible that some 20-something asshole like myself, living in Southern California might contract the virus and die. But then, it’s also possible that a Boeing bomb might crash through the roof of this house and crush me like a little bug. I’ll take my chances, personally.

So, why the sudden paranoia over such a tiny “epidemic”? We’re a paranoid lot, folks. More than that, paranoia is big business. In the media, paranoia is fuckin’ golden. They take a small concern, turn it into a fear “that could happen to you!“, spread it around on any of 1000’s of news sites, papers, stations, and mix in a few “up-to-the-minute reports”
to come up with something that we can all cuddle up together on the couch watching and waiting for. We eat this shit up. Apparently, the U.S.’s number one export is fear. Well, fear and celebrities. Oh, and McDonald’s. Lap it up, bitches.

In addition to the super-scary epidemic-style mass-scale scares I covered in the beginning of this article, there were a few fears that didn’t claim lives. In fact, when you really think about it, they were effectively just a media’s way of clogging the airwaves to sell us all more useless products.

Remember the big Y2K scare? That was supposed to be the end of the world, to some people. We were supposed to prepare for total chaos, loss of electricity, banks losing all customer accounting information.. everything was supposed to be in upheaval! News stations cautioned all of us to prepare like we’ve not prepared since the cold war. Millions of scared, suburbanite slobs rushed into grocery stores around the country, loading up on canned goods, flashlights, batteries, toilet paper… oh, and Christmas decorations, since those have to be purchased before Halloween these days. And, what was the result of all this overreaction and mass paranoia? Absolutely nothing. I’m sure somewhere in Southern New Hampshire, a light bulb blew out and sent a sudden shock of end-times paranoia through the minds of a few slack-jawed yokels.. but that’s about it. 10 minutes into the year 2000, we weren’t brushing the sweat from our brow and breathing a sigh of relief, however. Why? Because about a month before the big showdown, the media finally decided to stop covering fear - and start covering the holidays. After all, Jesus celebrations sell pretty damned well, too.

As recently as three months ago, we were being told that we might soon “be under heavy attack” and that our only defense was to “buy lots of duct tape!”. Like any self-respecting “Fuck you I’m not buying a new one, I’ll fix it myself!” male, I already had plenty of duct tape…. and super glue… and cardboard, so I didn’t do anything. Not that I would anyway, but realizing I had no duct tape is enough to get me out of the house to buy more, cause you can never have too much duct tape.

This paranoia doesn’t come from out of just our media. It’s ingrained in our American psyche. It’s been said (I don’t remember where) that while Texas is “like a whole other country”, it’s also basically the heart of America. What better place to come from if you’re a president than big ol’ Don’t-Mess-With Texas. Our president’s a paranoid little bitch, himself. I stress the term “little bitch” quite heavily, btw. I don’t care for that prick. His self-induced paranoia told us all that Saddam had to be taken out. Why? Cause he had “weapons of mass destruction”. Well, we can’t just sit here and wait for some rule-with-an-iron-fist asshole (who *ahem* was trained, installed, and kept in power by the U.S. - you’re welcome) to come attack us with his big, scary weapons. We gotta go get that sum’bitch! So, we huffed and we puffed and we damn near leveled Baghdad. U.S. soldiers have effectively been all over Iraq at this point. They’ve found a veritable plethora of weapons caches, here and there. They’ve been attacked by semi-heavy artillery. They’ve even bombed a few missile silo…. no, wait, those were hospitals and malls - never mind. But where, oh where, are these elusive “weapons of mass destruction”? Nowhere to be found in Iraq, that’s for sure. So, now the policy is just to pretend that all along, the U.S. and coalition forces’ role was to remove Saddam (and his accompanying merry men) from power, and ya know - if they happen to find any big, nasty weapons… get those outta there, too! God bless the U.S.A, indeed, eh?

Before you think this article was less about SARS than it was about taking a cheap jab at the media-loving paranoid people of the world… okay, you’re probably right. Still… while you’re all wearing masks on your face and canceling trips to Toronto - I’ll be walking around, showin’ my unmasked, bitch-face, and I still intend on taking my trip to our Neighboring country’s lovely metro (well, it’s neighbor - Montreal - but I’ll be taking a trip to Toronto while I’m there) next month. Suck on it, eh.

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