Cause there's something in a Sunday that makes the body feel alone

So, this could be a strange entry. For some of you, anyway. Then again, most people that keep any semi-regular tabs on my life are already aware of some of what’s transpired in my life recently.

Celina and I are broken up.
Not another one of those "time apart" things.
It’s fully over. Has been for.. I guess almost exactly a month now. It seems like it’s been longer. It’s been just such a crazy month.

I’m not upset about it, I’m not all broken up and dwelling. It was truly "over before it was over", at least for me - emotionally. I’d separated myself long before we finally broke it off. And, I hope she’s on to "greener pastures". I really mean that. There’s many better men for her out there - maybe they’ll even give a shit about food, and how they dress. Here’s to you, Celina.

I feel good, though. Really good. Really alive.
I’m sure if Celina would come across this, she’d probably be a little more than upset about it, but fuck it - there’s a time to be honest and not walk on eggshells about one’s feelings regarding things.

Towards the end of our relationship - it hit me almost daily how Celina and I were just two different, too different.

Her parents hated me, that was always a sore issue for me - because I think we got off on the wrong foot w/Celina’s selective information withholding about her life in contrast to mine. She never let on about her occupation as a stripper, continuing to pretend that she was still working at various restaurants that she hasn’t even had a meal at in over a year.

She was rarely, if ever, supportive. About the only thing in my life that she did support was my comedy - and at that, she was passive. Just "that might work" or "yeah, my friends say you’re funny". There was never any active participation, never any offers to help me get gigs, never any offers to help me "run through bits" of comedy. About the only active involvement with comedy I got was mostly in regards to not wanting me to mention certain aspects of our lives, and certainly never mention anything about her being a stripper. It was such a sore point with her, I couldn’t quite understand why she’d do it. I mean, I didn’t exactly advertise to my parents that I made pornsites - but they know, and they’re fine with it, not because they agree - but because I’m responsible and it’s making me good money. Before you even think it - yes, I realize there’s a world of difference between one’s son making porn sites and one’s daughter getting naked in front of strangers for cash.

In regards to her supportiveness (and, I mean, lack thereof), even our conversations were dwindled, as I would find myself quickly trying to get a sentence out before she got distracted, interrupted me, and not go back to what we were just talking about. It was a general lack of respect for me and my presence. What will puzzle me for life is that, when we broke up last and then got back together, one of her sorest points of possible jealousy was that some woman would later be a part of "wonderful conversations" that she’d never again be able to take part in. It just doesn’t add up.

I could go on and on about our varying differences, our annoyances w/each other, etc. I’m not even beginning to claim I’m beyond fault, or that she couldn’t easily write a lengthy dossier on my severe issues in regards to her. Far from it. But, as I spent far too many years blaming myself for the problems of a 2-person relationship - it’s only fair to finally let the cat out of the bag about an inkling of things that were wrong w/the other half.

In my month-plus of being single, I feel like I’ve almost been reborn in a sense. I’m getting back to all the projects I’d put on hold. I’m writing more comedy. I’m finally getting things done. I’m smiling like a bitch these days.

I’ve met some wonderful people lately, men and women. I’ve had more life-enriching experiences in these last few weeks than I’ve had in the last year or so combined. I feel good knowing that I’ve still got a lot to like about myself, and I’ve got qualities in me that others like. Being single again, being out and about, having things to do, places to go, dates, people to hang out with and share life with — it’s a very enriching experience.

It’s nice having people take an interest in my life again. People who haven’t heard all of my stories so many times they could quote them from memory. It’s nice learning about new people, hearing their stories that I’ve not heard 1,000 times over. It really makes one feel alive, truly alive.

I thank all of you who’ve been involved in making this one of the greatest months I’ve had in recent memory. I would name names, but it would be rude to go against the promises I’ve made to people I’ve spent precious time with, regarding talking about other people. If that was too vague for your comprehension - don’t worry, it wasn’t meant for you. There’s a very select few people who know what I’m talking about.

To those of you that may be feeling "blown off" because of my recently hectic work, personal project, and dating schedule - my bad, I was kinda making up for lost time over here. I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think I’ve got a handle on it now, and I’ve figured out where to focus my time. At least, for now.

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