21 Tips For a Better Life

To the fanfare of a small group of people, I ticked the miles of life up one more notch to 26 on October 29, 2004. Right around my birthday, and obviously just in time for all of these end-of-year festivities and New Year’s, I get nostalgic about life and I try to think over what I’ve learned. Not just throughout this past year, but throughout my life in general. Truly with age comes wisdom, and I was fortunate to have learned at a fairly young age that listening to one’s elders (even if “elder” is by a physical calendar year, but their life experience more than compensates) is one of the best things one can do for one’s own mental growth.

It is in that vein that I present the 20 most important things I’ve either learned throughout my life, or have been told enough times that I take it as something to remember for the future. These are in no particular order, however. For what is of utmost value to one might not be to another. That’s not going to stop me from pointing out which have been of most importance to me over another.

1. You Don’t Know Shit

This could very well be the most important thing to remember in your life - ever. The end of all war, conflicts, disease, hunger and the answer to true peace throughout the world lies within this basic point : you don’t know shit.

When I was a wee child - maybe about 8 years old, I used to anticipate X-mas eve with the sort of innocence, passion and excitement that I’ve actually spent my entire life ever since trying to recapture — all of this in hopes for a visit from the rockstar of rockstars, the king of kings. The grand and glorious Santa Claus. He was real. He had to be. No human could do all of that. He was the reason I was.. good, for goodness sake. Okay, sure, I slipped up - we all did - but I was really careful right around the end of the year, cause I always figured Santa paid more attention right around October. After all, anything else you could just write off “ohhh yeah… but, that was like… 8 months ago, I was a different person then”. Let’s just pretend my defenses to imaginary figures would’ve been that rock-solid at 8 years old.

One day in gymnastics (yes, I actually participated in an extra-curricular, summertime gymnastics group - by my accord) - some kids were talking about “all those bullshit characters our parents made up”. I honestly had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. I remember thinking “umm… do their parents tell them that Bugs Bunny is real, or something?”. Then it happened - one said “Yeah, when did your parents finally tell you that Santa Claus was bullshit?”. I was in shock. They asked me. I told them the truth, albeit in a “cool” way: “Well…. ya know… they never… they never told me anything about it. I just figured it out on my own. A friend clued me in”. There. 9 years old. No more Santa. No more Easter Bunny (which, truth be told, never bothered me that much - I always thought an oversized bunny was kinda freaky anyway). They were all lies.

I used to believe the world, back in my parents’ time, was all black-and-white. I thought I was the reason for color. After all, I’d never seen a color picture that was taken before I was born. Yeah, messianic complex at 7 years old. But, nope, color was there all along - we just couldn’t capture it until… fuck, I dunno, the 50’s? 60s? I’m no good at history.

I thought if you used the restroom facilities on an airplane, they immediately dropped onto the ground below. I lived in fear of planes for quite some time.

These were all wrong, of course. But, I would be late into my childhood before I found out. Apparently, I didn’t know shit about Santa Claus, colors, airplane restrooms or a number of other things.

In middle school, I overheard people discussing sex. Not as a theory, but as a reality. Like “she had sex with him”. I’d been reading porno mags for years - I wanted to try this whole “sex” thing. But, I knew I was entirely unfuckable. Hell, I didn’t even fuck me (I didn’t masturbate until I was 17). Still… the whole idea intrigued me. So, I did my research. I was thoroughly convinced that every woman was a-okay with anything one would find in the dirty magazines I used to sell to fellow classmates in 4th grade, and that I used as a primitive, pictorial study guide in my middle school years.

Then, I started reading a few “mainstream” (read: non-porno) magazines. And, watching movies. Apparently, women specifically wanted anything but what you’d see in pornos. So, I made a note to myself “if you’re ever gonna fuck - don’t press their thighs to their shoulders”.

Years later (at 18), I had a girlfriend who was a virgin, and we were both ready and willing to do this whole “sex” thing. For about the first month, I fucked her gently, slowly, to soft music, etc. I thought “yeaahhhh… this is what they like. I’m not one of those other guys!”. One night - she said “just fuck the shit out of me, will ya?” I said “what? like a porno?” she said “I’m your dirty little pornstar. Fuck me for christ’s sake”. I pinned those legs to her shoulders like a pro, I got into positions my body hadn’t seen since the gymnastics days. I threw her against a wall and lifted one of her legs over her head, I fucked her sideways, from behind on all fours, in every way I’d ever seen in my dirty, dirty (supposedly “all wrong”) magazines. She had an orgasm. At the time, that was a huge deal to me - I’d always read that orgasms were something that, like lightning, happened very rarely, to very specific people.

Now, some 8+ years later - I’ve yet to meet a chick who didn’t like getting their brains fucked through the back of their skull. Orgasms aren’t the Holy Grail - they’re a great, wonderful thing, but they’re by no means impossible or unattainable. They just require *gasp* effort, something I’m more than willing to put into my sex. Apparently, I didn’t know shit about sex.

As recently as a little over 3 years ago, I was convinced that love (from one non-blood-relative to another) was little more than a chemical miscalculation. Purely science. Anyone who fell whim to it, or felt “sick” over it, was a fucking pussy. My friends who pined for their ex-girlfriends were just weak and obviously only upset over their lack of someone to fuck on a regular basis. Having had more than my fair share of girlfriends, I never gave much of a shit when we broke up. Hell, I’d call ‘em on the phone at 2am and say “look… we’re done.” and then go out to find someone new to fuck. I’ll admit I was… perhaps a bit heartless. But then - love was a bullshit chemical reaction, reproduced through eating chocolate, right?

In September of 2001, I met and fell in love with a girl named Celina. Despite my reluctance to stick around with anyone for more than 3 months (that was my former “record”), I ended up staying with (and living with) that girl for over 3 years. We broke up a few times. Every time, I wanted her back so bad it was physically painful. Physically painful. I needed to write that twice because if you’ve never experienced it… you will one day, and no amount of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, vicodin, tylenol, or sleep will cure that kind of pain. Believe me - I tried them all. Finally, this last time we broke up, I figured out the best way to get over her was just to realize she was gone forever, onto a much better cock (that was bigger and lasted longer), attached to a man that trumped my life’s accomplishments and my personality in more ways than I could count. But, on the other hand, the world was now my oyster - and I was sure to find at least a few women that more than compensated for my ex’s less-desirable traits. Apparently, I didn’t know shit about love.

Now, in my 26th year of life, I still hold a shitload of hair-brained theories. However, I also know that I don’t know shit. More importantly, that what I know and what I believe will change so radically throughout my lifetime that to stake claim to any one ideal is ludicrous and wrong. Hell, even just last month, I held the belief that fake tits were not only stupid and wrong - but that any fake-breasted female that crossed my path wouldn’t get a second look. My older friends said “Yeaaaahh right. You just watch, buddy”. I stuck to my rule, though, up until my birthday. I met a gorgeous, intelligent, sexy, tattooed hot little mama that just happened to have fake breasts. By the time I found out, it mattered about as much to me as what color her underwear was. You can guess what my policy is on fake tits now.

I have base ideals which I know will never change (good will towards people, religion is a crutch for frightened minds, Bush is a fucking idiot), but the details of those base ideals will change radically.

And so it will happen to you. Remember that next time you make a blanket statement about life, or love, or… anything else. You don’t know shit. And when you’re 20 - you’ll think “well, you might not know shit - but I most certainly do”. Nope. Sorry. At 20, you know absolutely nothing. The humor to the rest of us is, at that age, everyone thinks they know everything. Apparently, I’ll be spending the rest of my life realizing that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

2. Your Friends Don’t Know Shit, Either

This is pretty self-explanatory. Friends want to help you, yes, but they’ve also got to appease their mini-christ egos that are telling them you will follow them through all of their bad decisions. “Who’s the more foolish - the fool, or the fool who follows him?”. It’s nice to have someone else in the pit you’re in, so friends also have that motivation.

Just realize - they’re probably wrong, cause they don’t know shit either.

3. Happiness Comes In Small Doses…

…unless you’re retarded, under 13, or clinically insane. Ever seen a mentally handicapped (retarded) person? Happier than a pig in shit. They don’t know about world hunger, they don’t know about George Bush, they don’t know about how much you paid for your over-priced, life-size Hot Wheels car, they don’t know anything about anything and they don’t care. Yet - you see ‘em out there… happier than a pig in shit.

Children? Same thing. They don’t know or care. Happy as hell, they are. Or, at least, they should be. I fucking hate it when adults push “grown-up” problems onto little kids. Look - they’ve got the rest of their miserable lives to wallow in sorrow for your shitty cause. Give ‘em 13 good years to spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture. And fuck you PETA, with a spiked animal-tested dildo, for telling children their parents are murderers for wearing fur. You should be arrested for that kind of behavior. And shame on the rest of you who made an uproar over Janet’s nipple. For fuck’s sake - it’s a goddamned nipple. Let ‘em giggle, talk about it w/their friends, and move on. They don’t give a fuck. They’re not gonna kill and rape as adults because some talentless hack pop-star let her nipple pop out of her “malfunctioning warddrobe”.

The criminally insane have enough performers and audiences in their heads to keep them giggling until the end of time. That’s where I wanna end up. Just laughing at jokes no one but me understands, shitting on myself, and eating applesauce through a straw that some big-breasted, failed pornstar keeps feeding me.

For the rest of us, however, happiness comes in small doses. It’s like the immortal words of Denis Leary “Happiness comes in small doses, folks. It’s a cigarette, or a beer, or a 5-second orgasm and that’s it!”.

Don’t whine cause you’re not happy. No one’s happy. That’s why we all have jobs and cars and computers and DVD players and vibrators and over-priced gadgets and gizmos that do 120 things but we only use it for 2 and we all have miserable friends who have all those things and we all try to out-do each other with our worthless items. We’re all miserable pricks.

Why? cause we’re not 10 years old anymore and suddenly… something else matters. Everything else matters. Life sucks. Bills are due. Rent is due. We’ve gotta get to work on time. Friends need a ride to the airport. Parents need you to take time out of your schedule to visit them 100’s of miles away because now they’re old and dying and they’re bored as hell and you’re a reminder of something good they did in life and it makes them feel good - if only in another small dose “Hi Ma! Bye Ma!” and it’s over.

My advice to you - get addicted to something. I don’t mean drugs/alcohol/smoking, necessarily. Just.. something. Anything. Find at least one thing that makes you happy every day. And, hang on to that until/unless it kills you. I’ve got alcohol, cigarettes, sex, music, pets, and this website. Every day, I try to take time out and enjoy each one of those.. if I can. Sex ain’t always “on the table”. I need to kick the smoking, so I’ll be finding at least a few other things to get addicted to. Some people talk about this “food” thing. Maybe I’ll try that. Never much cared for food, but.. hell, I don’t know shit.

4. Try Some Drugs

Even if you’re just “looking to see”. You’ve gotta at least smoke weed. Once. No.. twice. Few people get high their first time. You need to get high, at least once. If for no other reason than when you’re all grown-up and you’ve got kids and they’re getting high, you can seem like “the hip parent” and say “ya know… I did that once. Then I had sex with a 400 pound gorilla and there went my weed-smokin’ days”.

Try to shy away from heroin and cocaine - those two are real nasty. Oh, and PCP - cause apparently there’s some kind of tracking device in PCP that activates after you’re really fucked up and then the cops will find you, put you on TV, hit you w/the Tazer and somehow you’ll wake up to your friends saying “Dude! You were naked on COPS last night! You shit on yourself! It was funny as hell!”. No one wants that.

Don’t get too crazy w/the drugs, unless you’re in a band. Look at Motley Crue before they kicked the drugs: Theater Of Pain, Shout At The Devil, Girls Girls Girls, Dr. Feelgood. Look at ‘em after: Hooligan’s Holiday? WTF was that?? Aerosmith, Megadeth, Duran Duran, The Doors, Stone Temple Pilots, Guns N’ Roses, Rick James… you get the idea. Unless you’re in a band, and you’re signed and making shitloads of throw-away cocaine money - take it easy on the drugs.

Being a coked-out lunatic is fine n’ dandy in retrospect on VH1. It’s an entirely different story when you’re that guy at a party and everyone hides the drugs cause you’re just gonna end up vomiting onto that hot blonde you’ve been annoying all night long while yelling “PAAAAARTTTTAYYY!”. Thankfully, it’s never happened to me - but I have hid the drugs from those guys before. Not pretty.

5. Love Thine Self

Physically. Masturbate. It’s good for ya. I’d do it more but I keep putting holes in the ceiling when I whip this hog out.

Okay, lies, all lies. Just had to throw some humor in here.

Still…’dialing “O” on the little pink phone’, ‘rubbing one out’, ’slappin’ the tall man with the funny hat’ - it’s all good times. Forget what religion has told you about “wasting your seed”. Keep it in a jar and force-feed it to your future wife’s vagina if you’re so inclined. Either way, there are some problems in life that seem like much bigger issues until you’ve shot a healthy load onto a towel/handrag/carpet/trashcan/homeless guy. Believe me. Same goes for women. You need to pet that kitty more - if for no other reason than knowing what you like for when you finally get with a man and he says “how do you like it?”. These things are good to know. They make both of our lives so much easier.

One should also love themselves emotionally, and mentally. I don’t mean getting self-righteous and big-headed. I just mean… know what you’re good at, know what you can offer other people, lovers, the world, and yourself. Until you figure that out, life is going to be pretty fucking dull and worthless to you. Take me for instance… I’m good at.. something. Let me get back to this one some other day.

The point is, as cheesy as it sounds “you cannot love another until you truly love yourself”. Truer (and more violin-inducing) words were never spoken. This segues nicely into the next point..

6. Change Yourself

This is related to #1, #2, and #5. You cannot be afraid to realize what sucks about you, and take steps to change that. Study people. Watch people. Look at your friends. If all of your friends are annoying, whiny, selfish, insensitive pricks - guess what? So are you. That’s why you’re all in this together. Get some new friends if you have to. And, you might. When they see you change, they won’t like you anymore and you certainly won’t like them.

I don’t, for a second, pretend that I’ve got it all figured out or that I’m by any means a “perfect” person. However, I’ve changed my personality, lifestyle, activities, and a million annoying quirks about myself so many times it would make your head spin. This does not make one a “fake”. A fake is someone who won’t change because they’re holding onto an image that is no longer them, for fear of losing all the friends/groupies/girlfriends they’ve gotten from being “just the way they are”. Change is good. Changing yourself is better.

If you need some direction - think of something you absolutely cannot stand about other people. Then, be completely honest with yourself (don’t worry, no one knows what you’re thinking to yourself - so you can be completely honest w/yourself here) and dig deep to see if you’ve got anything in your personality/actions/psyche that’s related to that thing. Chances are - you will. You’ll feel like a hypocrite and no one likes a hypocrite. There ya go - two things to change about yourself. Every year, right around your birthday, go through this process again. Repeat until dead.

7. Lovers Come And Go. Friends Are (kinda) Forever

This is another one of those things you’re gonna hear about 1,000,000,000 times in your life. It’s true, though. Much as everyone likes a great piece of ass (or meat stick, whatever) - if you’re ditching all of your friends to be with this one, superior person - eventually you’re going to lose all of your friends and your lover will become your life. From there, it’s either marriage to your only friend and you find yourself looking forward to going to work for chat w/the co-workers and hearing their whacky stories or s/he’s gonna leave you and you’ll be all alone and crawling back to your friends who… might not be there, cause they’ve moved on to their one and only special persons.

Why did I say kinda forever at the top of this section?

8. Friends Aren’t Everything

Sometimes, your friends are a bunch of fucked-up assholes. Troll some jail cells long enough and you’re sure to find a shitload of miserable people who “did it cause my friends did it”. Misery, criminals, dipshits, losers and miscreates love company. You just might be that company they seek.

Much like you shouldn’t be afraid to change yourself, you shouldn’t be afraid to change your social circle. Keep some goths around when you have your sports-bar friends over. It’ll be a kick. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when your eyeliner-wearing buddy pours a beer, with a wink, for your gay-bashing buddy.

If you’re still in high school, you’re probably thinking that your friends are your whole world. Maybe you think you’re all going to be friends for life. When I was in high school, I had like… 20, 30.. maybe 40 friends. Fuckloads of ‘em. We went places in droves. Every hangout spot was an instant block party. Now? I’ve got maybe… 5 or 6. Of those, I’ve only known one of ‘em for more than a year, and he’s my best buddy from freshman year.

Go ask anyone over 25 about their friends. Chances are - you’ll hear a similar story. If not, they’re probably one of those social hounds that brings high school with them wherever they go, and all the drama that goes with it.

The friends disappearing is one of those things you say “Ahh… that’ll never happen to me“. Yes it will. Just wait.

While your friends will waver and disappear, you might end up with a core group of like 2 or 3 that you’ll keep around for life and you’ll all be each others bridesmaids/best-men. This is not a dismal reality - you’re gonna really appreciate those 2 or 3 when the 30 or 40 go off to be w/their 2 or 3 friends and you think “shit man, I thought we were really good friends”. If you wanna test it - go get sickly drunk at a party. Whoever’s in the stall w/you at the end of the night, holding your hair or offering you bread.. that’s your friend. If you end up with 20 or 30 people doing that at the end of the night… we gotta have sex, cause I need t’git me some o’ that.

9. Fuck More People

Seriously. Now. Get out there and start fucking. Some of you men might be saying “well shit, man, I’m trying“. Understandable. We’re men. We’ve gotta.. be the fuckin’ hunter and hope the prey just say “okay, fuck me then”. But you women - get out there and start fucking. There’s tons of unclaimed dick, just-a-waitin’ for some fine ass to roll up in their crib. *ahem* Sorry, stopping the ghetto speak now.

You need to fuck more people because one day you might end up fucking just one person for the rest of your life and if they’re not rocking your world every time… you’re with the wrong person. But, who’s the right person? That’s why we fuck, kiddo.

It’s important to know what you like. It’s important to make sure you’ve properly “sampled the menu”. If you went to a restaurant when you were 10 years old and ordered a burger, you wouldn’t just order a burger for the rest of your life, would you? Therefore it stands to reason that you shouldn’t marry the first person you fuck. Hell, I’d even go so far as to say you shouldn’t be getting into any relationships until you’re well into your 30’s. But, like the rest of us, you don’t know shit and you’re gonna wanna try that out too, so you’re gonna go getting yourself into some long, pointless, dead-end relationship and then end up heartbroken and crying in your underwear, drunk on a corner with nothing but a dollar in your hand at 3am. That’s okay. Just pick yourself back up and go fuck more people.

One day, you just might fuck someone who rocks your world so hard, and you rock their world so hard, that no one else you’ve ever fucked even comes close. If that happens - congratulations. If not, no loss. Fuck more people. It’ll numb the pain and keep stories circulating about you for years (good or bad - no press is bad press, right?).

10. Marriage Can Wait

It’s very simple. If you love someone “forever”, then why can’t you wait 10-15 years to marry them? Why would they threaten to “move on” if it’s true love? They wouldn’t. If they do - they don’t really love you, and you should let them go anyway. Yeah, you’ll miss the sex for a little while, but that’s why god gave you hands. Or feet. Or toys. By “god” I mean your parents, sex shops, etc.

No matter how well you think you know your lover, you ain’t seen shit until you’ve seen them 10 years from now. I hear it’s about every 10 years that lovers go fuckin’ nuts again and change some monumental thing about them. You’ll need to be prepared for that. If you love someone “just the way they are” - be prepared to love them in all the ways they aren’t yet cause one day - they will be.

11. Try A Few Different Religions

The older I get, the more I realize that religion is the bane of mankind. Sure, some argue that it comes natural to us, it’s in our nature to be inquisitive about where we came from, where we’re going, why we’re here, and all those other mind-boggling questions. Hey, cool by me. I think that shit, too. Everyone does. It is human nature.

Don’t take it too seriously, though. Look at the world around you - people left and right are trying to restrict the freedoms of other people left and right who don’t like the same gods or follow the same dogma. If you do some serious research on other religions, maybe you’ll think they’re all crap and you had the right one (for you) all along. Fine. At least you’ll know about the other ones next time you run into someone from their fan club. You’re not going to hell for reading The Satanic Bible any more than you’ll be burned at the stake for not bowing before Catholicism or renouncing atheism (yes I’m aware of the irony in this sentence.

Al Qaeda, Jerry Falwell, GodHatesFags.com… they’re all way too serious about their religion that only they care about. If you believe a potato is the end-all-be-all god and we should all worship a potato.. cool by me. I’ll buy your book. Just don’t go stickin’ a fork in me next time I chow on some fries. I wouldn’t do that to you, any more than I would promote pharmacists taking into account their own religious morals and refusing to sell birth control pills (true story).

If the rest of us are all going to whatever bad place has been conjured up in your religion - let us go. That’s apparently what we want. Leave us to ours, and leave yourself to yours.

12. Some People Are Fucking Idiots

It’s true. Sorry.

Chances are, if you’re convinced you’re not an idiot, some of your friends are. If you’re thoroughly convinced none of them are - watch out, you’re surrounded by idiots that aren’t your friends. And angry idiots are a tough thing to deal with. Take it from me - I’ve been called an angry idiot many many times.

Why do I bring this up? Well, no matter what you’re bitching about, or trying to change, you’re gonna have at least one slack-jawed yokel say “well… some people like that kinda thing”. Yeah? Well, some people are fucking idiots. A lot, actually. The average person has an IQ that’s just above the level of what we consider mentally retarded. Stew over that one next time you wonder how Bush, the embodiment of idiots, gets re-elected.

You’re gonna have to keep smart people, like yourself (cause everyone thinks they’re smart), close to you. Leave everyone else to their own devices and hope they don’t try to do anything. If they do anything - just realize they’re idiots and go indulge in one of your addictions until the pain goes away.

13. You’re Not That Cool

Another harsh reality of life. I know you’ve heard this before, but I want this to sink in.
You’re not the coolest person in the world. You’re not the center of the universe. Everyone else thinks they are the coolest, center of the universe. So, how can you be as well? You’re not. And, they’re not either

Sometimes, things go beyond you. Sometimes, your double-milk-latte-supreme is going to have to take a backseat to my caramel frappuccino. Sometimes, life sucks for you. But it’s sucking for everyone else, too.

Let this sink in. It’s very important. Almost as important as realizing you don’t know shit or that you haven’t fucked enough people in your life.

Help out at a homeless shelter. Sell off your SUV. Give a better tip next time you go out to eat. Smile at strangers. Give a bum a quarter. Have sex with lunatics like me. Clean the apartment while your roommate’s away. Just do a little something every once in a while that’s selfless. Between your latest techno-toy purchase and your next heart attack, do something good for the world at large. Make a difference. Make a stand.

14. Don’t Take Life Too Seriously

Next time you get the urge to do something really weird - fuckin’ do it. Who cares if “they” see you? Only you care. Get a laugh out of life, out of yourself, out of your friends. If you make a noise when you walk and your friend says “hey, you sound like a duck trying to give anal to a fire hydrant” - tell ‘em you just fucked their mother. You’ll both get a laugh. Or, you’ll get punched. Then you can start a Fight Club or something.

Embarrassment only matters to the person who feels embarrassed. It’s like beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Same kinda story.

I had a friend once, in Seattle, who used to show up at parties, unzip his pants, remove his testicles and then walk around - balls in hand - and threaten to “tea bag” people (place his nuts in their mouths, or on their faces or bodies). Now you and I might think “jesus.. I would never do that. How embarrassing”. But ya know what? He didn’t give a fuck. And, no one cared. They’d all say “here comes Joey - watch out he doesn’t tea bag ya”. After about an hour, of course, the novelty would wear off and he’d just be one of the guys. Never seen anyone get so much ass in so little time. Threesomes would happen nightly for this guy. Why? It’s not cause he was swingin’ some serious meat, I’ll tell ya that. It’s because he didn’t give a fuck. He was his own weird person and he didn’t care who knew it. That kind of confidence, that kind of determination and careless attitude is a very attractive trait - both in a friend and in a lover. I’ll bet he’s still threatening old people at Denny’s with his nutsack, to this day.

Beyond the teabagging, he was easily the coolest person I met in Seattle. I wish I’d stayed in contact with him. He was also an amazing photographer. Most of all, however, he was a lunatic and you’d have fun with him no matter where you were. He had that kinda magic about him.

Be like him.
Teabag the world.

15. Don’t Be Afraid

When you’re afraid to do something in life, no matter what it is - ask yourself “what’s the probability that this is literally going to kill or dismantle me?”. If the answer is “not very high” - then fucking do it.

Public speaking, for example, much as people fear it, will never kill you. Granted, Martin Luther King was a tremendous speaker and he was killed - but speaking didn’t kill him, bullets did. Damn shame, too, he was a good man. But I digress…

Life is too short to sit around in fear. Get out there. Live in a shitty neighborhood for a few months/years. Travel… alone. Go buy an emperor scorpion for $10 and let it crawl all over you and realize “it’s harmless” then take pictures and show your friends. Challenge them to do the same.

Don’t be afraid to speak up, either. You don’t need to get in everyone’s face - but, hell, why not strike up a conversation with a random stranger about why grape-flavored candies never taste anything like grapes.

The more you challenge yourself in life, the more fears you overcome, the stronger a person you will be for it. And, the more you’ll feel like you’re really suckin’ the marrow from life. You little marrow-sucker, you.

One day, you’ll be old and grey and senile. You’re gonna be lying in your assisted-living bed, looking out at a sunny day and seeing little birdies chirp away outside. You’re gonna have a lot of time to just sit there and think of everything you didn’t do. The regrets you will have in life will very likely not be about things you did, after all, but things you didn’t do. Probably out of fear.

Lose your fear.

16. Listen To Your Elders

Whether they be elder in age, in wisdom or in life experience - listen to them. Listen to your… antonym of elders, too.

You can learn a lot from other people. We’re all “snowflakes” and we’ve all been different places, lived different lives, met different people, learned different things. If you collect the culminated knowledge of people all around you, all throughout your life, you can gain more through vicarious living than you can just walking the straight-and-narrow.

I used to love my grandfather’s tales. He was one of those insane veterans with a story about everything. I’m not even sure how many of his stories were true. Or, if they were even about him. He would just start off with “There was a boy….” and I’d listen until the end of the story about some guy. In every story, there was a hidden lesson. Not because they were all moralistic bullshit stories - but because I listened and soaked up the information, trying to find what it all meant. I still do that. I hope when I’m an old man, I’ll have enough stories to fill the lives of my grandchildren (if I have any - or, hell, could just be my sister’s grandchildren, I don’t care).

People, despite being idiotic at times, are immensely interesting if you know where to look. The old guy in the corner of any random dive bar is usually a pretty good place to look. He might just grunt and throw his drink on you and order you to get him another. Or, he might be like the dude in Johnny Cash’s “The Gambler”, who’ll give you an ace that you can keep.

17. Don’t Settle For Mediocrity

In your job. In your home. In your lover. In your life. Don’t just sit there and be miserable. Change whatever you can about your situation, or you’re really gonna want those years back when you’re in the old-folks home.

All day long, you’re gonna hear (or be one of the) people complaining about their plight in life. Well, bitch me a woman, will ya? Seriously. You’ve no one to blame for your mediocrity but yourself. That’s not to say we’re all exactly where we want to be. Hell, no one should ever be exactly where they want to be - else they’ll stop trying to get anywhere better. You might have had a tough hand dealt to you, and for that I’m sorry. I did, too. So did… that guy. And, that woman. Oh and… everyone on the planet. You can change your life. You can change your situation. Just sitting there, doing nothing, being complacent, is mediocre.

Mediocrity, in all its comforts, will always just be mediocre. If you want better - go get it. If you don’t care, be mediocre.

18. Acknowledge The Other Side

The more you trounce through life, meeting new people, dating new people, getting into new arguments - the more you’re going to realize how one-sided many people are. I don’t mean in their dimensions or personalities, necessarily, I mean in their arguments.

I’ve been on a lot of dates in these past few months of being single. At one point or another, just about everyone I’ve been on a date with has some story about one of (or all of) their ex’s. Every time, it’s the same story - the ex was in the wrong. Now it might just be coincidence that I’m dating the ne’er do bad’s of Southern California, and they truly weren’t ever in the wrong. Chances are, however, that they’re just twisting the story ever-so-slightly to come out as “the good guy” (figuratively speaking cause they’re all women, not guys).

There’s one universal truth about people that I’ve found the world-over : Everyone thinks they’re “the good guy” and that they’re doing “the right thing”. The maniacal, laughing, tyrannical “oooh I’m so evil and I love it!” bad guys you see in movies are purely fictional. Go find a serial killer - he’ll justify everyone he’s killed. Listen to the presidential debates of all the years’ past - they’ll all justify every mistake and wrongdoing they were ever called upon. Listen to stories from just about anyone, and you’ll hear it over and over again - justifications for what they did and why they’re not the bad guy.

What you need to do, with anyone you meet, is realize that for every story that person is telling - someone else out there is telling a similar story, twisted to make themselves sound like the good person.

I knew a girl who’s ex stalked her for months after they broke up, he broke into her house, he killed her cat, he set her backyard on fire and he did a number of other things even beyond that. Realize this, though - somewhere, this guy’s hanging out w/someone and explaining the story of his ex-girlfriend being a cold-hearted bitch, and all the “wrong” she did to him. He’s probably leaving out “so I killed the bitch’s cat”, because that’s a painfully difficult thing to justify to anyone, and while he’s obviously done that in his head, he couldn’t so easily convince another human.

This also applies to arguments. People will often fail to try and recognize why the other side holds the position they do, and they’ll do little in the way of research to figure that out. Getting a logical grasp on the other side’s argument, however, is the most powerful weapon you’ve got at your disposal. If you can understand, fully, why someone’s argument has logic to it - then you can dismantle it. I’ll be honest - I don’t always do that here on AMF, in writing. But, consciously, I try to stay aware of the other side. I try to understand why the argument in direct opposition to mine is a “valid” one. One direct example of this back-and-forth would be my article on gay marriage, where I address the top arguments I’ve heard against gay marriage throughout my life. Sure, I’m heavily biased and I don’t appear to understand to their fullest extent, all of those arguments. Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m just trying to stay aware.

The point is - realize there’s always another side. No one is pure evil, because they’ve justified their intentions. Once you realize the severe flaw in their intentions and justifications - you’ll understand how that person works, or at least how to beat them in an argument. For friends, acknowledging that there’s another side to every story they tell is going to be a very important part of understanding who they are, how they think, and how well they lie.

19. Document Your Life

Go buy a pocket-sized digital camera. Or a slightly-larger-than-pocket-sized digital camera and wear cargos (like I do). Get one of those digital voice recorders. Buy a video camera. Something. Anything.

While you shouldn’t live behind the lens of machinery by any means, it’s always good to have some kind of documented proof that you did it. Take a snapshot at a bar - there you were. Get some video of your friend’s birthday - you’ll both wanna see how ridiculous you looked/acted/sounded as drunk as you were all those years ago.

Write it all down. Everything you write is a textual snapshot of exactly what you were feeling at that moment. Even if you’re just recalling events, you’ll never recall them the same way twice.

As cheap as these things are - you really should have at least one (or, in my case, all 4) lying around somewhere. You’ll thank yourself later for getting those priceless moments documented somehow.

20. People Who Do You No Good Are No Good For You

Anton Lavey once said “What good are your friends, if they do you no good?”. I’ve kept that quote with me for years, and I’ve found it to be a great lesson in life, summed up in a sentence. Your friends, acquaintances, parents, and anyone else you come across should benefit you in some way. All of them. If any are not - move on. You have no time for them.

Look.. everyone uses everyone. Big deal. A lot of people put negative connotation into “using” people. As if they’re any different. There’s nothing negative in that word, though, and it’s about time we realized there’s nothing inherently negative in using people. I’m using you, right now, to justify my artwork. You’re using me, right now, to educate, to amuse, or just to keep you busy at work for a few minutes. I don’t care why you’re using - and I don’t care that you’re using me. Hell, I hope you do use me. I love being useful.

You’re using your friends for companionship, for someone to talk to, for entertainment, for… sex, in some cases. If none of your friends are particularly amuing, don’t listen to what you have to say, and/or don’t fuck you - get rid of them. You should use each other, whether it balances out or not.

If I’m using you for sex, and you’re not feeling like I’m particularly useful for that (or any other) purpose, you should discontinue our “relationship” (using that word in it’s strict dictionary sense here). I’ve had times where someone provided money, a service, a certain feeling (even an ego justification) for me - and in return, I fucked them. I’m not saying “my sex is all that”, but if someone felt it was worth it to them to have me fuck them in return for their services - we’re cool. It’s only when I’m doing all the servicing and they’re doing all the benefitting, that’s when I get angry. But I don’t even get angry anymore, I just leave and we don’t talk anymore.

If you’re wondering “why doesn’t Mitcz talk to me anymore?” chances are - you wore out your usefulness. Or, we just lost touch from a long-distance move, which I’ve done a few times. The rule of thumb is - if you’ve tried to contact me, and got no response, I have no use for you.

This rule applies to family members as well. You don’t owe them anything. They don’t owe you anything. If they want to be involved in your life - they’ll make an effort. If you want to be involved in theirs - you should make an effort. If no one’s making an effort.. fuck it. You don’t choose your family and they don’t choose you. There’s no reason to beat each other up mentally, emotionally, and/or physically just because you share some genes with them. Again, if they are of no use to you, then they’re no good for you and you should move on.

Don’t feel bad about leaving people behind. There are certain people in this world who add nothing to the world around them. They are, for all intents and purposes, pests. You wouldn’t let cockroaches live in your bathtub or ants live on your food, right?

On a last point - I suggest you keep this tip #20 on a sheet of paper in your pocket. Whenever you find yourself with your latest dead-end relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever) - pull out the paper while you’re fucking and read it. Chances are, if you can still read while you’re being fucked, they’re not fucking you well so they better be more than making up for it in another area. If they’re not doing that… leave and don’t look back. You don’t need to be nice, either. People who make up bullshit rules about “you can’t breakup online/over the phone/etc” are just upset cause it happened to them. You’re not trying to win a popularity contest, you’re trying to get rid of them. So, no, you owe them no respect or dignity. Let them insult and curse your disrespectful breakup techniques, it’ll be all the more reason to never talk to them again.

21. Comment

If you’ve got some tips for a better life - post ‘em below. If you just wanted to say “jesus, Mitcz, you’re a fuckin’ lunatic” - post it below.

Commenting is good for the soul.

Thank You

For reading. Have a good life.
Let me know how it goes for you.

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