So, how was it??

Posted by Rev. Mitcz

December 14, 2004

That’s what you all wanna know, right? how it went? Well.. here’s how it went, in some detail.

First and foremost, I show up and Adam (the guy who booked me for this gig, the comedian who usually hosts this show) isn’t even there. I thought "okay.. that’s fine" and I ask around who’s running this show. One girl is hosting, another helped set the night up. Neither one of them has any fucking clue who I am, when I’m going onstage — nothing. NOTHING.

So, now I’m just some asshole lookin’ to get a gig. Wonderful. WONDERFUL. I tell them that I was scheduled to be on at 11:30 and that I’d get time based on "how well I did".

The one girl (don’t remember her name - let’s call her "redhead") and I have this conversation

Convo w/redhead:

Redhead: well… ummm I can put you after a few of these guys so.. yeah, around 11:30 sounds good

Me: Uhh.. Okay. So, how much time am I filling up there?

Redhead: Well, how long’s your set?

Me: I’ve got a good 10-12 minutes, easy.

Redhead: Ohh.. okay, so 6-7 minutes.

Me: I’ve been timing these other people, every time I come here - they rarely do less than 10 minutes.

Redhead: Well.. ya know, we’ve got some big names in here, some feature acts and stuf. Don’t worry - I’ll let you know. We’ll give you the light when you’ve got a minute left and we’re not… ya know… we’re not militant about it.

An hour and a half goes by. it’s now 11:45pm. Adam walks into the room. Oh goodie. Just the man I’m after. I’ve got my camera setup on a tripod sitting next to me in the back of the room. He shakes my hand and walks out.

I’m thinking… "hmm. does he KNOW he booked me to perform 20 minutes ago?"
So I walk outside. I see him standing there w/the host of the night. We’ll call her "blonde".

I see blonde and Adam talking. He looks at me and says "hey man - glad you made it". I say "yeah, they had no idea I was suppos…." he cuts me off by turning around to continue his conversation w/blonde.

I see them talking and I hear:

Blonde:I was gonna put him on after Justin
Adam: Hmm.. ya know, put him on after Justin, then Dave, and tell Dave he can take as long as he wants. Make sure you tell him that - say ‘you can take as long as you want’.
Blonde: So Justin for 15 minutes, Dave for.. as long as he wants, then this Mitch guy?
Adam: yeah, I think so.

"Justin" goes on next. Somewhere between him and the next guy, blonde comes in to tell me that I’ve been bumped again to one more comedian past and to "get my information". This is where I’m supposed to sell myself. I say "well, I’ve performed at the Improv a few times, I’ve played some smaller comedy theatres, ya know.. but it’s been a little while since I’ve done much". She asks my last name - I say "just say Reverend Mitch, please". She looks at me like I’m a fucking nutcase. Seriously. It’s like she’d never heard the word Reverend.

So, finally the guy before me goes up on stage. He takes 10 minutes to bitch about his life. Not in a comedic way, mind you, but… sounding pretty serious. It’s not even funny. No one’s even laughing. Maybe a little nervous laughter. I’m annoyed, though. And, I even sighed out loud. Probably not a good idea - but c’mon, it’s 12:30am and I’ve been here for over 2 fucking hours and there’s only about 5 people left in the fucking audience and every last ounce of laughter is being sucked out of them by this fucking emotionally comedic vampire on stage.

FUCK.

Finally, they let me up there. I didn’t even have Nad set up the camera - I did it myself so he wouldn’t have to fuck w/his arm. He’d been lying in my car sleeping all night, waiting for me to call him when I was supposed to go up. Which I did. So, he’s there - but somewhat well-rested at this point.

I go up - I warm up a little, kinda talk to the audience, not a lot though cause I’m on a tight time budget.

Now I’ve been rehearsing my ass off for this. I know my gig front and back. I know damn near every word - most importantly, I know every part of it, so I know how to extend or shorten depending on the mood of the audience. I know crowds. I know people. It’s my life’s work. I know how to make connections. So, I do that. I think when I finally upload the video, you’ll see how well I connected with an audience that was falling asleep just before I went up.

I got cut-off really fucking early. I had to rush my final bit. I could see Blonde in the back waving her hands to "hurry up". I thought "go fuck yourself, whore". I did my shit - I cut at LEAST 3-4 minutes out of it, but I did some of it. I got some fuckin’ laughs which is more than I can say for some of the comics before me. Fuck.

Anyway, I finally finish up, I get my applause, I wrap up my camera, I high-tail it outta there. First thing I hear from Nad is "you were a bit rusty… but it went okay".

A BIT RUSTY?
A BIT FUCKING RUSTY?

Ohhhh man.

I wanted to beat the living shit out of him right there.

First off - the parts of my act that might’ve sounded "unrehearsed" were parts were I said something about "hmm… what’s in the news" or "ohhh I’ve got a good one!" where it sounded random. That was written that way, actually. I wanted to sound like I just came up w/the shit while I was standing on stage. So, that ain’t fuckin’ rusty.

Second - what he’s likely confusing as "rusty" is really just the immense anger felt when I’ve been pushed to the back of the line after 2+ hours of sitting around a fuckin’ dive bar waiting for my one chance to shine and show some fuckin’ dude who doesn’t believe in me for as far as he can spit that I’m a goddamned funny, amazing, entertaining comedian, but instead I get shoved around all night and put behind a whining, boring, monotone "comedian" who’s told that he can "take as long as he wants" so when he’s done whining about his life and he’s got no other material left, he whips out a fucking NOTEBOOK AND READS FROM IT while THUMBING THROUGH PAGES and LAUGHING TO HIMSELF about his one-liners and then I finally get up there and I ain’t got no fucking notebook or pages to thumb through. WHY? Cause I know my shit. It’s important to me. I have passion. I feel I owe it to the audience to give them a fucking show and I find it fucking rude, amateur, pathetic, disrespectful and irresponsible to not KNOW YOUR OWN FUCKING JOKES well enough to NOT READ FROM A FUCKING NOTEBOOK and now I’m up there and I’m only barely getting warmed up and this fuckin’ horrible blonde comedian who couldn’t make a fucking hyena laugh holds her fucking cellphone up after I’ve been up for maybe 6 1/2 minutes to shoo me off the stage.

Well… yeah, I’m gonna get angry. But I sure as fuck ain’t rusty.

When I left the stage - i see Adam outside on the street, doing what he’s always doing - hittin’ on some dumb chick. Not that I blame him, but it shows a lack of respect for me. Seriously.

I didn’t talk to Nad the whole way home. I got a bit pissy with him when we arrived home and he said he’d have more to say about the show tomorrow. I told him to save it and I kinda went off on him. I was a little more than offended by the "rusty" comment - it felt like he had no faith in my abilities. Whatever. Maybe I’m just in a mood. If so, I’ll apologize to him. I still think that’s a shitty thing to say.

Fuck. I need a cigarette.

I’ll post the video tomorrow night, possibly. There ain’t no way I’m going import, edit, encode, output and upload 7+ minutes of video tonight. No way.

If anyone reading this happens to know the club, or the people I’m talking about - keep your trap shut. This doesn’t concern you. Sometimes, a motherfucker needs to vent.

BTW - in case you’re wondering "so.. well, how do you feel you did?". I just watched the video. And though it wasn’t nearly as funny as it could’ve been cause I felt so damned rush and the audience was so small - - I think I did very well under the circumstances. To me, it seems like such a short set it’s like I barely got started. Maybe it’s because I know the 4+ minutes left out, maybe it really does feel short and rushed to others. I don’t know.

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