fuck, man.

WARNING : WHINING AHEAD

I’m in a small slice of hell right now. Not just because of how I feel, or what’s going on - but simply because I feel like I do. I hate being all tore up over… anyone. Especially women-folk.

But, fuck… I can’t help it right now. I’m feeling very fuckin’ odd.

Since Laura left for SanFran back in the first weekend of January, it’s just not been the same between us. I don’t necessarily blame her for that.

First, it was that fuckhead ex of hers popping up outta nowhere and proposing to her. Then, despite telling myself and her that I wasn’t about to fight it, that I was going to let it go its natural course - I ended up fighting it and pulling the "don’t go with him, come with me" angle.

We were to hang out that weekend.

That Friday, her mother collapsed from a heart attack and she stayed by her side in the hospital for almost a full week, returning on Thursday. She told me she thought a lot about me during that time, and was happy that I wanted to cheer her up, and that I kept her company via e-mail (she had her laptop with her in the hospital, so she could catch up on some work).

I went to her place that night, with plans to see her again the following night (Friday). The next night, she disappeared and I couldn’t get ahold of her. I was upset and I text messaged her, saying as much. 8am the next morning, she sent a text message to tell me her mother had passed away. Yahoo’s e-mail servers being what they are, I would receive (a day late) an e-mail from her telling me that she had to cancel our evening because she needed to stay w/her mom in the hospital again. So, to say I felt like an asshole would be understating things a bit.

Throughout the next week, I received only the occassional text message from her - never a phone call (understandable, considering…). Eventually, she told me that she would be going to North Carolina on Thursday morning and would be gone for about a week or two. I told her I wanted to drop off V-day gifts to her before she left. She arranged to have me come over that Wednesday night.

We had a surprisingly comfortable night, for the roughly 2 hours I was there. I was able to make a few small jokes, and see her half-smile. We didn’t talk much about the goings-on of her mother and what-not, I thought she’d appreciate NOT having to talk about that kind of stuff for a little while.

I told her to "keep in touch" when I left that night. She said she would.

Throughout the next 2 days, we exchanged a few text messages, nothing important - just hellos and how-are-yous. Saturday night, I sent a "just seein’ how you’re doing" text message. Monday morning, I sent a V-day hello before I left for work in the morning.

While at work, I received an e-mail from her, wishing me happy V-day. She also told me that her mother’s funeral was the previous Saturday and it tore her up (as one might expect). She said her passing has seriously changed her as a person, and that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be herself again.

I didn’t really know how to respond. I just said that I was sorry to hear that, that I wished there was more I could do. And, of course, that I was curious to know more about what she meant by this change she spoke of - but that it was a convo probably better left in person, and one that she would have to initiate.

Stressed from finding out that my mother has skin cancer and will be undergoing the 3-fold treatment (surgical removal, chemo and radiation) soon, I wasn’t exactly in my right state of mind. I stupidly mentioned that to Laura, I don’t know why. It was on my mind.

Naturally, that’s all she focused on in the two follow-up e-mails, just "how is she?" and "I’m truly sorry, let me know if there’s anything I can do". I felt a bit… I dunno, stung, by that last comment. Being as I had no way of reliably getting ahold of her, and the only thing she could do for me was talk to me - there was nothing she could do and no way of me telling her anything. I’m not at all pretending that she should be here for me instead of me there for her - not by a landslide. That’s why I feel shitty for having said anything. I didn’t want it to come off like I now needed her here for me, in spite of all that has recently happened to her. And, I truly don’t feel that way. I’ve done research on skin cancer, and I really don’t think my mom’s going to be in bad shape (knock on wood) it looks pretty solid, the treatment. Lot of high success rates.

It’s now been over a week and counting since I’ve received so much as an e-mail from her. The last one being the afforementioned "let me know if there’s anything I can do".

I still have no way of getting ahold of her. I have no idea how she is. Or.. god forbid… IF she is. Alive. If something happened, no one would tell me shit. The only semi-mutual friend we have is her friend Alex and, we’ve never spoken outside of hanging out w/her at the same time. He’s a good guy and all, but I’m not sure how he’d respond if I were to shoot him an e-mail to inquire abotu her. I might try that, though.

Everywhere I look - people are having these "ultimately wonderful" moments with their Significant Others. My roommate has his girlfriend over almost nightly, and they’re always lying together on the couch, playing board games, just.. enjoying one another’s company. My friend/neighbor Jim and his woman hang out at his place almost nightly as well, they swing by with the latest movie rentals from the corner video store and laugh and exchange a few words with me before going back to "snuggle" on the couch and drown themselves in their rentals. Even my ex e-mailed me to tell me about her life being very good right now w/her new fella. This wasn’t out of the blue, I e-mailed her just to send my musing on my blood-vial-jewelry idea getting snatched up and she decided it would be a good time to tell me about her life.

I’m just lonely. I want her here. I want to be with her. I want her "back". Back to… how it was when the year started. She truly is an amazing, intelligent, interesting woman. And, as I said to friends the night I met her - easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. People who’ve only seen pictures of her have echoed similar sentiments. It would’ve just been a one or two night fling w/her if her beauty was unmatched by other parts of her personality and life - but it’s easily matched and almost overwhelmed. She amazes me daily. Or, she did, when she was around often enough.

In the beginning, she kinda scared me because she was… almost obsessive. Since the first e-mail she sent me, the Monday morning after we met, until that last one I received on monday - she’s sent over 1200 e-mails. I don’t mind the obsessiveness, I fuckin’ love it. Normally, that would scare me, but not with her.

However, with not a word from her in over a week… I can’t help but feel shafted. To feel like maybe she’s put me into the back of her head and maybe even said to herself "it’s been a good run but… I have no room in my life for him anymore. I’m a different person now". It’s perhaps that thinking that’s kept her from e-mailing me. Because she can’t think of anything else to say but that. It wouldn’t be entirely different from her avoiding talking w/me while in SF because she couldn’t bring herself to tell me about the marriage proposal until we were together in person, or at least back in town. That was her thinking at the time. So, it stands to reason that the same sort of thing is happening again.

Can I live without her? Sure. Will I be crushed if she comes back and basically says exactly what I’m kind of fearing she’ll say at this point? Not crushed.. but very upset, yes. The part that kills me is being in the dark. Not knowing. I fuckin’ HATE not knowing. It drives me up a wall. Part of my obsessive personality and my childhood abandonment issues - all mixed together. If she’d already said these things, then at least I’d know. I’d be upset and I could say "well… there goes a wonderful woman" but I could begin that whole "healing process" and try to move on and just come to terms with having touched a glorious thing and somehow either fucked it up - or been swept away by circumstances out of my control.

What fucks with me is feeling like this. Being upset about the whole thing. She consumes my thoughts, daily. Every morning while I drive to work I hope to arrive with new e-mail from her. Every time I see my e-mail icon light up indicating new e-mail either at home or at work, I hurriedly open it and hope…. and then feel just a bit more pain to see it’s.. yet again, not her. Even though she’s got a custom ringtone for both of her phones (cell and home) when she calls - I can’t help but feel somewhat excited when my phone rings, thinking maybe she’ll be using someone else’s phone over in NC to call me just to say hi.

It fucks me up, perhaps even more, that I’m being so selfish here. Or, am I? That’s what I don’t know. Is it selfish to feel completely in the dark, shafted, left alone in all of this while she may or may not need my company - but won’t admit it? Or, maybe she just doesn’t want it at all and I’m only consuming, at most, 1% of her weekly thought patterns? I feel like a bit of an asshole for feeling this way, like I’m blaming her for ignoring me like this. I’m still not sure if I am or not. I’m upset, yeah.. but not so much at her. Just upset with the situation.

Perhaps it’s all easily explained. She didn’t buy a new cellphone charger because she’s not sure if she "lost it" while out there in NC or accidentally left it at home. Seeing as her phone died sometime Saturday (presumably), it makes sense that if she left the charger at home, it would have run out of juice by then. She obviously wouldn’t buy another one if she thinks she left it at home - so, that could easily explain the lack of phone cals and text messages.

But, what of the e-mails? She was e-mailing me from her Aunt’s house. Perhaps now she’s staying with friends who don’t have a computer. Perhaps her Aunt decided to not pay her internet service connection billl for the month and it was shut off. Maybe the computer died from getting a virus. Who knows? Certainly not I. It’s just difficult.

She said she was coming home this week. I don’t know when. I guess I’ve got to keep playing the waiting game and get on with my life as I’ve tried to do. I’ve got a big move coming up this weekend and I’m almost done packing. My room is complete, anyway, and the rest of the apartment I plan to finish by Thursday night and a little during the day on Friday (since I’ll be home for the day).

I just want this fucking longing to be over. I want to feel normal again. I need some fuckin’ comfort in my life right now.

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