Stomach

Went to the doc today. Not sure if I got good news or bad news. Will explain..

Doc Hmmm.. so you were doubled-over in pain, instantly, took some Pepto Bismol tablets and it went away in a few seconds. Then at work you had the same thing after coffee, took some more Pepto and some Tums and you were fine a few seconds later and you haven’t had anything since?

Me Yeah, that’s about the size of it.

Doc And you say this pain was in the center of your stomach?

Me Yeah, like someone knocked the wind out of me by punching me really hard.

Doc Hmm… I’m a bit baffled here. I was thinking it might be Gastritis, but then you’d have had it recurring throughout the week, and you wouldn’t have been doubled-over in pain like that. Also, Pepto wouldn’t have helped that quickly. It usually takes about 20-30 minutes. It can’t be appendicitis cause it’s more a localized pain on the sides of your stomach, and if you were doubled-over in pain like that, your appendix would’ve had to burst and there’s no way you’d be walking around fine now.

Me Oooookay. So, what is it?

Doc It may have just been a bowel flipping over

Me A what-now?

Doc Sometimes, bowels physically flip over one another. It’s fairly common, but it’s very painful. Cause.. what happens is a bowel flips over an intestine and it actually cuts off circulation. Some people have died from that. But, you were lucky cause it flipped back over again. I would say that’s what it probably was

Me And it’s just coincidence that I’ve been drunk for the past 2 weeks, been eating like hell, had ulcer problems around this time last year when I came to see you, and that taking Pepto/Tums cleared it up both times - and the second time it was triggered by another caffeinated substance?

Doc yeah, pretty much. I mean… I doubt the Pepto or the Tums did anything for you. Probably just coincidence

Me That doesn’t make any sense

Doc Well… maybe not. But.. I mean.. I’d like to get you back on your diet, back to doing what you were doing, see what happens

Me Yeah, and risk that pain again? No thanx. Not until I know what’s going on

Doc It’s certainly good that you want to stop doing those things, and I applaud that. But, I’d like to see if that’s what triggers this. My advice is to go back to what you were doing and if it happens again, dial 911 immediately and have them bring you in. You’ll be brought right to the OR, hooked up to morphine and they’ll just split you open. If it’s anything serious, you’re going to want surgery immediately cause you could die. Especially if it’s a bowel flipping.

Me Right. So… just go about my ways like I never had this - and when it happens, I call the ambulance so they can cut me open?

Doc Pretty much. I mean.. I think you’re fine.

Me There’s no way I’m fine. I’ve taken over 120 hits of acid without eating more than 1/2 a meal a day for some 6 months there, which caused my body to react as if I had annorexia for almost 2 years, I’ve had a history of stomach problems, my stomach is always in some kind of pain - I saw you a year ago to have you look at my stomach problems and you said I might be developing an ulcer. You’re saying it’s coincidence that my bowels just "happened" to flip over and I’m otherwise fine??

Doc Well I just don’t know what else it could be. We could do an X-ray, see what comes up if that’ll make you feel better. I mean - it’s your call. We might not find anything and just be back to square one, ya know?

Me Yeah, yeah.. let’s do that. I want an X-ray. I’d like to know what’s going on

Doc Okay, you’ll get a letter in the mail Monday or Tuesday with an order for it, just give us a call and setup an appointment. In the meantime, like I said, call the hospital if this happens again.

Gotta love HMOs, eh? My doctor is way too positive for me. Like.. nothing’s ever a problem. He asked about my stress as of late and I guess I just unloaded on the poor guy. He said "well.. that explains the drinking" I said "well.. I mean.. ya know, I just needed to be numb" and, completely nonchalantly he says "Oh yeah, absolutely. You’ve every right. I don’t think it’s a problem. Sometimes you just need to.. ya know, take the edge off. It’s perfectly understandable and… hell, can’t say I wouldn’t do the same. No problem" WTF?? My doctor’s insane.

One of these days I’d like to walk in there w/my head missing and just go "hey Doc - gotta problem here". Knowing him, he’d just say "Oh.. head’s come off, eh? This is actually fairly common. Happens all the time. Hold on, I’ll be right back, I’m just gonna get you some superglue and you’ll be on your way".

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