A Jog Well Done (notes to self about Jogging)

The title’s a bit misleading, I’ll admit that upfront. I went on my jog tonight. My first real jog since … let’s not dwindle on the past, but it’s been awhile. Maybe ever. I used to jog around the parking structure at my old apartment. The thinking being that if I collapsed from over-exertion, I wouldn’t be far from home. Also, I lived amongst the scientologists - so you can understand my reluctance to do any physical activities around them (again, if I were to collapse..)

Today, I made the conscious effort to actually go for a jog. Moreover, upon returning, I told myself "okay Mitcz, let’s do this more often". I’m going to really try to make this a regular activity. Really. In that vein, however, I need to make a few important notes to myself.

Notes To Self About Jogging

1. When preparing to jog, and you pull out your special "jogging shoes" and place them on your bed, it’s helpful to realize that putting them on your bed does not magically equal putting them on your feet and your feet are going to be very "owwie" when you return from a jog realizing you were in your dress shoes all along.

2. That whole "stretching" thing everyone tells you to do before you jog? Yeah.. try doing that first next time, not after jogging for 5 minutes and realizing "hey, big hill.. better stretch before going further".

3. Buy new sweatpants. You’ve apparently lost a lot of weight since you bought them, and you look ridiculous holding onto your pants while jogging through Hollywood Hills.

4. Running up a hill when you’re out of shape - not an easy thing to do. Running up a hill that you can’t drive your car up unless it’s in 1st gear the whole time, while you yourself are in terrible shape and have been smoking a pack a day for over 13 years — not gonna happen. But don’t feel bad, at least you made it (just barely) by hiking.

5. If you’re going to blast your iPod into your ears to drown out all sounds around you, it’s best to occasionally turn around and look behind you. Sometimes, cars trying to make it up the afforementioned hill are honking at you, and might have to resort to a "love tap" w/their front bumper because you’re too busy "dying" and "rocking out" to notice.

6. Large-breasted, (even if only marginally attractive) yuppie girls walking their dogs in the multi-million-dollar neighborhood of Hollywood Hills aren’t going to suddenly notice your "hot badassness" and smile at you. However, when you’ve just tried to jog, then walk, then hike up a hill and you’re about ready to collapse when you reach the top - afforementioned females are definitely not going to smile at you. This goes double when you now look like a drunken idiot who stumbled into the wrong neighborhood, drooling and silently lip-synching the words to Tiamat’s "For Her Pleasure" (of which the chorus is "Put Your Teeth In Me / Carve Your Name In Me / I Don’t Care if there is something / That I’m too blind to see"). Also, their dogs will bark at you. Fuckin’ yappy little shit dogs.

7. Find the little man who lives in your upper chest and likes to bring out a pick-axe to hack away at your insides while you jog - and kill him. Yes, kill him dead.

Ever onward. I shall do this again, goddamnit. I need to try this whole "healthy" thing that Doctor fella used to babble about. I’ve had exactly 1 soda (and quite by accident, I didn’t realize I ordered it until I was done) in the past 3 weeks now. Smoking.. well, I’m gonna work on that, too.

Yay for exerc.. *cough* exercise.

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