Another weekend review

Posted by Rev. Mitcz

April 17, 2005

Friday

At the end of my workday Friday, I received a call.. (from a Blocked ID) from the Belgian (the hot little goth chick I hit on last weekend). She said she was going to be driving into L.A. that night, and asked if I wanted to meet her at Dungeon. I told her I’d already had plans of going to DragonFly since they were having a 3 year anniversary party - and asked if her plans were set in stone, or would she prefer to join me at DF. She said they weren’t set in stone so she might hit DF after all, and I said I might try and make it to Dungeon a little later anyway since I had friends over there. She told me to call her later that night and we’d "figure something out". She also mentioned likely hitting Sinister on Saturday night, so we might meet up there anyway.

Few points to clear up, some that I was previously wrong about. Others are just new info :

- She’s Bulgarian. Not Belgian
- Her name’s Vladimira, not Vladimir.
- I must’ve been hearing things last weekend, cause she didn’t have a British accent and her Bulgarian accent was barely noticeable. Almost sounded like my Puerto Rican boss on some words, like "theece" instead of "this".
- She’s a Graphic Designer. Schweeeet.

I had expected to meet up w/her, and gave her a call around 9:30, leaving a voicemail to inform her that I’d be hitting DF in about 20 minutes and would probably head over to Dungeon around 11-11:30ish, since a friend of mine put me on the list over there so I could get in free anyway.

I went to DF. This is a wholly difficult club to enjoy myself at. Why? Well.. it’s the club where I met Laura, on my birthday - the first time I ever went there. The second time I went there, Laura was sick as hell, but actually took herself out of bed to drive all the way over there just to hang out with me for about 20 mins. Long enough, however, to get a photo opp :

The third time I went to DF was with the Canadian who visited me while Laura was in SF.

So, every time I’ve gone to that club - it’s been pretty fun for me. 2 of those 3 times.. Laura was involved. Anyway, I told myself I’d look past that and just try to enjoy it. Nad and Lynnise were content at home playing drunken board games. It seems like they had fun, though, so that’s what counts.

DF was pretty dead. Admittedly, most clubs around here don’t pick up until around 11pm anyway, but I guess I expected a lot more people to be there on what was supposed to be a big night. Plus, I figured Vlad would be hanging out at Dungeon (where, as you’ll recall, I was on the guestlist) anyway.

Around 11, I headed over to Dungeon. My friend Marina was supposed to be there, and I was supposed to be her late-arriving "+1". She wasn’t there yet. Knowing she was supposed to arrive w/a friend of hers - I didn’t feel right taking her "+1" spot, so I just paid to get in. Turns out I was supposed to take the "+1" anyway. Oh well.

Didn’t see Vlad anywhere. Theorized that maybe she went to DF after all. Also theorized (and this makes the most sense to me) that I’d somehow written down the wrong number when she gave it to me over the phone. I normally verify the number when writing them down, but I had neglected to this time. Oops. Her voicemail was computer-generated and generic, so I still have no idea if that was the right number or not. Sensibly speaking, this could mean that she never received a call from me, and went to DF anyway, thinking I’d be there. Assuming either that I had no interest in seeing her and therefore didn’t call - or assuming that I was in a loud club somewhere and wouldn’t hear her call, she never bothered to call me.

Oh well. No biggie, normally. Problem was.. there was no one worth hitting on at Dungeon. Shame.

Finally went home around 2am.

Saturday

Went shopping at Target for new shoes, new jogging shoes, some new sweatpants, and some wife-beater shirts. Managed to get all but the jogging shoes - cause Target’s selection sucked. Oh.. and the wife-beaters were too large, so I sold them to Nad and I’ll go back for more at another time.

Went for a quick jog around the neighborhood, not up the hill. Still felt strenuous, but I’m getting better I think.

Nad and Lynnise decided to join me for Sinister that night. Having still not heard from Vlad, I thought I’d leave her a message to let her know I’d be at Sinister that night anyway. Still figuring I had the wrong number - or she’s lost interest for whatever reason. Either way - it’s not my concern anymore. Until/Unless I hear otherwise - fuck it.

Sadly, it was bleak at Sinister. There were only maybe 2 chicks worth hitting on there, but.. they were constantly surrounded by their friends, so.. fuck it.

Saw Alex. I really tried to avoid him this time. I know he and Laura are no longer on speaking terms after he ditched out on the wedding, so I was a bit concerned he’d try to bring her up and I’m really trying to avoid conversations that include her w/people who don’t know "everything" about what’s gone on w/her and I. Tried as I may have, Alex couldn’t resist the urge to tell me "I heard Laura’s wedding sucked". I said "ohh… okay". He went on to say the ceremony was only a few minutes long. I told him that was probably for the best - long ceremonies are boring and unless you’re doing that whole thing where you each give a speech and then read your favorite Bible passage, there’s really no reason to have a long ceremony anyway. Explained that my sister did the same thing - short-ass ceremony, get straight into the party. I wasn’t really interested in sitting around discussing bad things about Laura. Or.. really, Laura in general. Least of all w/Alex. So I walked away.

Stuck around until about 2am. Went home. Watched SLC Punk while I drifted off to sleep.

Sunday

Went w/Marina to lunch after checking the Nissan dealership to see what they could do about a cover for my mirror. They basically said "take it to any body shop and get it painted. It’ll cost about $40". Thanx.

Had a good lunch. We spoke of many things. I may at one point do an entry explaining all that I’ve figured out about Laura - in great detail. There’s a whole ‘nother world of things that have recently come to light. While you may think it’s dead and buried (and as far as her and I in the future is concerned - it is), but there’s many lessons to be learned from this, and I’ve been learning a LOT about why things happened the way they did. There was so much more, just under the surface, that I didn’t even know about. Marina, being "in the scene" (the BDSM scene) has really helped me shed light on all of it, and I feel a bit better knowing all of this shit now. More importantly, I know a lot more about who I’m looking for in the long-term, and how to act when I do find them.

Got a call from my friend Tracy (from Vivid). She said she was borrowing one of their cameras, and wanted to wander around Hollywood taking shots of me, Nad and Lynnise. Got home, called her over, and we went out and did just that

Here’s some highlights :

While stopped at Skooby’s, so they could eat, Laura called me. She wanted to see if I wanted to join her for a bite to eat. I told her what I was up to, and offered to call her later if she wanted to go jogging. Finished shooting photos, came home and we all sat around trying to figure out how the fuck to pull images from a FireWire-attached Nikon DX1, when there’s a 1GB Microdrive being used. Tried all the drivers on earth, despite Macs almost never needing drivers - but it didn’t help. Finally connected the MicroDrive to a PCI card conduit and plugged it into my laptop and it worked like a charm. Geek fun.

Called Laura back. She’s feeling discomfort from what she thinks is another cyst, so she didn’t want to jog. We talked for a bit, and it was pretty light-hearted. I told her, in e-mails on Friday afternoon, that I’d figured her out psychologically, and that I totally understood everything now. Tonight’s conversation, I elluded to that again, but didn’t go into detail. I asked how she was, in great detail. Told her I was pleased to hear she was finally feeling happy. The conversation started to get a little weird, when she explained that she used to feel an almost guilt for being happy, and she had only recently lifted that weight from her shoulders, thanks in part to conversations her and I were having prior to her wedding. I told her I would withhold my theories on why she felt the way she did before, and why she feels like she does now. That it’s a whole ‘nother convo for a whole ‘nother time, and it’d have to be in-person, if at all. She got very quiet. I asked her what was up and she said "I just don’t wanna talk about this anymore - I’m gonna go now". I said "…well, I don’t know what you think we’re talking about. I’m not… I’m not bringing up anything or trying to talk about the past. That’s all over and done with. We’ve both moved on, that’s not what I’m trying to do. We won’t talk about this at all, that’s fine. Either way, if you want to go - then I’ll let you go". She continued with "I just.. don’t want to be analyzed, or hear why I’m all fucked up or anything. I don’t need that." So I told her that was hardly my intention, and I’m sorry if it came off that way - I really wasn’t about to go into a psychoanalysis on the girl by any means. I genuinely just wanted to hear her being happy. We said our goodnights anyway, and that was that. I can’t help but feel like I’ve just taken a step backwards in getting closer to a chance of explaining some of this shit to her. But, oh well. That’s not really my concern anyway.

What it comes down to - she’s very hard to let go. I’ll admit that. I have, in very large part, let her go. Hell, I can look at pictures like the following, and not wanna kill anyone :

So, I’d say I’m doing very well. What I can’t let go, right now anyway, is that she doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of everything that went through her head in recent times. That I now understand everything she’s told me, and I know precisely what her emotional state was like. This might all sound familiar to previous "I’ve figured it out" speeches and writings I’ve made - but I assure you it’s all entirely different. I’m not the weak, second-guessing dipshit that I’ve been unfairly made into in recent times, after all. That was a reaction, brought on by all this shit. I feel like I need to explain these things to her so she’ll see in me, the real me - I want that to be the person she remembers if/when she thinks about me sometime down the line.

Again, some of you might say it doesn’t matter - but what people retain in their minds about me once I’m gone… well, that’s pinnacle to me.

As mortals, we are doomed to the grave. Leaving nothing behind but food for maggots. We can only live on, immortally, through the hearts and minds of those who retain memory of our deeds. So, I strive to keep my deeds well-remembered, and keep myself well-remembered, so I may live on eternally through … you. All of you. That’s why I need to get this out. I need her to realize, on a very deep level just how much I know about her, how much I’ve figured out about her, and to know that I’m the only person in this world who truly knows her like that. Because of what I’ve discovered about her psychological makeup, I’m well aware that no one else knows about her what I know, and while she knows to some extent that I truly am one of the few - she doesn’t realize to what level I understand her. To me, that makes all the difference. If and when her marriage, life, and/or psyche crumbles - I’ll be the only person who will understand why that happened. I won’t be there when it happens - but it will bring her solace to know that I would understand. And, it will bring me solace to understand the entire situation in such emotional detail. I guess I can’t explain this in any logical form right now, so.. maybe another time. The point is - I still feel like I need a few things from her. Not just to move on, because I’m moving on anyway and have been moving on anyway - but so I don’t have this empty feeling inside of me about what could’ve been, and I don’t feel fucked up in any way for any of my reactions, in the past or recent times. She’s acting as a catalyst for my self-growth. See, I’ll admit that.

I’m done writing now. It’s the end of the end of the weekend and.. I’ve really not much left to say right now. Y’all take care now ya hear? ;)

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