A History Lesson. About the Mayo

Few people know the TRUE origin of Cinco De Mayo. Ohhh sure, there’s a lot of people running around yappin’ about some kinda Mexican Independence Day, but really.. that’s just a convenient coincidence. The real story, the one I’m about to tell you, is hard for most mortals to grasp. But, I’m exposing the truth now, for you, cause.. I really care. No, really, I do*.

(*Mitcz does not care. He’d apologize.. but he does not care.)

Back in the 800’s, a gelatinous-filled wonder came to this Earth on a quest. The quest was to find a people who would most benefit from the gift of The Great Queso. Also.. this being was really drunk, so.. that helps.

Anyway, the being descended upon this Earth, bearing the gift of The Great Queso. He rained down 5 lb. blocks of Queso from the sky. The peoples rejoiced. They knew not what to make of the gellatinous wonder, who had arrived from the far reaches of the XanaduGobler-12 galaxy (not far from Patropoliticus-Oxen, where our hero "Saint Patty" invented alcohol, but that’s a different story altogether) and spoke only one word - "CINCO!". They said "Photo opp!" for they had primitive cameras back then. The best way to smile at the time, was to say a word that meant nothing, but made the mouth open perfectly for a Kodak™ Smile. "CHEESE!" they said. The Mayo smiled, and rained down more 5 lb. blocks of Queso from the sky, with each hearty guffaw. Hence, Queso became known as cheese, except in Mexico where the Mayo originally descended upon cause.. well, hell, those people respect their history damnit. The french call it fromage for an entirely different and much more frightening reason. Afterwards, there was much FIESTA, another word The Mayo began to speak aloud. As it turns out, he knew a lot more than one word and once you got him on a tangent.. motherfucker didn’t shut up. But, who’s gonna say that to a gellatinous wonder from the XanaduGobler-12 galaxy? If you had any sense in your head - you sure as hell wouldn’t, either.

So now, 1000’s of years later, people come together in Mexico to await the drunken gellatinous wonder from the XanaduGobler-12 galaxy they know as The Mayo and receive their raining gifts of Great Queso. Ohh sure, we can make cheese from cows but.. The Mayo has the best cheese. You might say his milkshake brings all the boys to the porch. Ya know, if you were trying to be "hip". The Mayo cares not about this milkshake business. That’s for The Miyo to worry about, ya know?

That’s where our story ends, for now. Or… is it? (que suspense music)

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Funny postscript..
I was at lunch w/my co-workers just now, and one of them said "Ya know, I think this whole Cinco De Mayo thing is an L.A. tradition. I guess it’s just a celebration of the Mexican culture living in L.A.". When I tried to explain that it was for a Mexican Independence Day, he not only thought I was lying, but followed with "…..they don’t actually celebrate Cinco De Mayo in Mexico, though,, do they? I think they just do that in L.A.". So.. I made up this story to explain it in a way people like that would understand.

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