denver

Now in Denver, CO. I think I’m on the outskirts, though. It’s hard to believe that a place I’ve classically heard was "kinda like L.A." would be so barren. I’m at the Marriot. Free broadband. This will keep me somewhat entertained, I think. Fuck.. I hope.

Saw my mother. She’s in the room next door. It looks like someone took a piece of industrial-strength duct tape, stretched it across from her left cheek to her right, left it there for a week, and then ripped it off in a split second. All the skin is gone in this one long strip. Her face is puffed up. The hair in the back of her head is missing, and/or thinning. It’s not a pretty sight. She can barely smile, but I’ve managed to get a few chuckles out of her, between her spitting up mucus into the trashcan beside her bed, every minute or so. It’s really hard to see a woman so full of life be so torn up like that. I really hope this is the last of her fight w/Cancer. I don’t think she, or my sister and I, could stand to go through all of this again. Her last day of treatment is tomorrow. After that - I guess it’s just healing time.

I’m looking forward to Christmas, when I can stand up amongst my family and loved ones, and speak at great comedic lengths about my mom kicking Cancer’s sorry ass. That’s the thought that’s kept me going since earlier this year, when it was all pressed down on me. At the time, however, I had envisioned bringing a certain person who’s no longer technically in my life, so we could all be together and just share in some of that uber-cheesy X-mas warmth. I had to keep dreaming of that scenario, keep going over it in my head - "just wait.. wait ’til X-mas.. it’s going to be a time to celebrate, we’re all gonna pull through". I know I’ll pull through, it can’t rain all the time. And, I’m sure X-mas will again be a time to celebrate, I just don’t know the details. A lot of things I thought I’d figured out about my future were suddenly turned in on themselves, and that’s a great deal of what is making me angry these days. Spending years wondering what I was going to do, where I was going, then thinking I had figured out where my true happiness was, and where I would take my life - and being empowered in the knowledge, not being afraid of some impending life of depression. Not long after thinking I had a solid plan, it just dissipated… a puff of smoke into the night air.. just gone.

It’s not hopeless. I’m not hopelessly depressed. I know "the sun’ll come out.. tomorrow" and all that. I am, deep down, a hopeful optimist. On the surface, I’m a practical pessimist. It’s just.. sitting alone in a hotel room, just one room away from where my mother is finishing a battle w/Cancer that’s temporarily left her as a mere shadow of her normal self, trying not to remember all that was right and wonderful in my life the last time I left L.A., trying not to think of all the shit that hotel rooms conjure up for me these days, and trying not to think of all that I’ve left to conquer in my life, my heart, my head - well it’s taking a bit of a stressful toll on me right now. I’m gonna hit the liquor store in a bit, and my sister and I have vowed to get shit-faced tonight, and bitch about life. I’ve never bonded with my sister like that, but I think it’s 26 years overdue.

You kids take care now. Uncle Mitcz (as my beautiful hopes-in-life nieces refer to me) is off to pull some impromptu comedy for an audience in need of a smile.

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