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Ever since I made my PSA about Douchebags (shown at the bottom of this entry), I’ve been surprised at the amount of people who have come forth to express their distaste for society’s aesthetically retarded. However, it occurred to me that, beyond the people mentioned in the video, some might not know how to properly spot (and more importantly avoid) the Douchebag in all his forms. To that end, I have put together this helpful list of things that are native to the Douchebag. Follow along and see if you might be a Douchebag - don’t worry, you can be helped!

Popped Collars

I’m really hoping and assuming that our little buddy on the left here is “just joking” - cause I can’t imagine he popped those fuckers on purpose. Or did he? The popped collar is very common, and often times passed over as “not entirely douchy” by many of the non-douche crowd. It may be a minor offense, sure, but it certainly qualifies as douchebaggery. At a club last weekend, some girl actually grabbed my collar and said “oh, you should pop it!”. I said “Why? To signal a desire for cocks stuffed in my mouth?”. It’s a shame she was too drunk to fully appreciate my humor, and that the pumping techno soundtrack in the room drowned out any hope of getting my message out there.
POINT VALUE : 20 points.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : If you’re wearing a jacket, and you place the collar on TOP of the jacket collar - that’s fine.

Non-Prescription Tinted Glasses. Indoors. At Night.

I have one friend who wore tinted glasses almost all the time. Turns out, he had to wear them as part of a prescription. So, he’s off the hook. The rest of you douchebags? Knock it the fuck off. They don’t create “mystery” because we can still see your eyes. They don’t look “cool” because the tint is generally brown or pink — straight men and pink are never supposed to mix. This particular item, like nearly all items on this list, is a-okay for gay men to partake in. Gay men are void of being douchebags. Why? Because gay men are, by and large, some the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. Trying to out-cool them would require you to start blowing men. That’s how these things work. Sorry.
POINT VALUE : 30 points.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : If you can show me a prescription, you’re off the hook. Even still, there’s nothing in a club that would require you to have glasses, so I’m tempted to say “none” here.

Orange Tan

Look, I can understand the desire to not want to be white. I mean, being white is generally associated with being lame. But as long as you go out in the world accepting your lame whiteness (like myself), then you’ve got nothing to worry about. Dyeing your skin an unnatural shade of ass-wipe orange, however, does NOT make you cool. It makes you….. a fucking douchebag. Who looks at a guy, glowing orange, and says “oh! how hot! He showered himself with unnatural chemicals to create the illusion of having sat in the sun for hours on end which would cook his skin with the sun’s harmful rays and make him 60% more likely to need painful skin cancer radiation treatment later in life!”? I mean, seriously, who buys into this shit?
POINT VALUE : 40 points.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : You have a job that requires you to work in the sun all day long, and you get a natural tan as a result of your working conditions. Barring that - I’ll let it slide if you have a REAL tan. But as a guy… that’s really close to knocking on cock’s door and asking for a sample. Know’m’sayin’?

Sonic the Douchebag Hair

When I had shorter hair, I’ll admit to having spiked it up a little bit. Once it grew to a little over an inch long, however, it was time for a haircut. It doesn’t take a genius to look at that picture above and see “Douchebag” written on everyone’s forehead. Why? Well, a variety of reasons (detailed within this blog) but I think most importantly - the spikey hair. Unless you’re TRYING to look like a character out of a mid-90’s Animé film, just lay off the fuckin’ hair gel will ya? I’ll let the Static-X guy slide cause at least he gets ridiculous about it and Static-X used to be a decent band.
POINT VALUE : 40 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : If it’s short. If it’s dyed a strange color (blue, green, purple, bright red, etc).

Gold Chains

A favorite of guidos and douchebags, the gold chain’s purpose was supposed to be to signal to potential female counterparts “Hi. I have money”. Instead, it signals “My parents gave me money for x-mas, and I wanted to let everyone know just how terribly I can manage my money by blowing it on shit like a big ol’ gold chain that increases my chances of getting mugged in a bad neighborhood”. It’s fair to say that if you’re wearing clothing/accessories that do little more than brag to the world at large about your assumed financial status - you have effectively waived the right to complain about vapid, money-grubbing bitches. This is similar to the argument that women who get large breast implants effectively waive their rights to complain about men staring at said breasts when they wear cleavage-inducing clothing.
POINT VALUE : 25 points per 1/4 inch in width. If it hangs lower than your sternum area - tack on an extra 60 points.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : Short, silver chains can look pretty good if done tastefully.

Gold Rings (unless married)

All that applied to Gold Chains also applies to Gold Rings. Nothing more needs to be said, does it?
POINT VALUE : 30 points per ring.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : Unless married, you’re allowed ONE for sentimental value (i.e. grandfather’s ring, superbowl ring, things like that)

No Shirt

Unless you’re at the beach, please for the love of god keep your fucking shirt on. I know you spent all summer taking multivitamins, diet suppliments, GNC weight injections, and pumping iron alongside 100 other douchebags at the local MeatHead’s Gym and flexing your pristine abs in the mirror all night long so you could FINALLY be one of those “cool” shirtless fuckheads in a club that all the ladies can stroke the chest of and swoon at. The rest of us, however, are sitting around wondering why you felt it necessary to show your steroid-induced manhood to the populace and the general consensus seems to be “…to hope you forget he has a small penis and fucks about as well as your garden-variety 14 year old”. Furthermore, chests get sweaty. I don’t need your fuckin’ nature’s lube all over me when I’m trying to walk past you to drink myself out of the nightmare that I’m surrounded by assholes like you.
POINT VALUE : 50 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : You’re at the beach or because You WANT vapid, self-hating, image-obsessed, moronic, shallow, douchebag-loving sluts rubbing on you all night.

Oversized Diamond Earrings

Really, any kind of diamond earring, on men should be avoided at all costs. The oversized ones are just… extra special. Refer back to Gold Chains and Gold Rings on why this is a terrible idea and add in the fact that you look like a fucking idiot. I could also point out that diamonds are a fool’s paradise and a completely falsified “rare gem” conspiracy perpetuated by the DeBeers cartel and your purchase of them effectively puts you as yet another mindless slave to the Diamond Lie. Yes, that’s right. You bought worthless rocks from the mafia. Congratulations! MORE INFO AVAILABLE HERE
POINT VALUE : 40 points per earring. 10 extra points per 1/8th inch circumference.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : Diamond-related variations? There are no acceptable variations.

Being White and Using Words Like “Negro”, “Niggah”, or “Nig” w/your friends

I don’t think I need to explain this, do I? You’re white. Your relatives were not sold into slavery. You’re not an oppressed people. You are not, in any way, entitled to use words that are derivatives of those used to oppress an entire race of people which you are NOT a part of. End of fucking story.
POINT VALUE : 70 points per usage.
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : If made in reference, as I just did

The Fauxhawk

This is pretty simple. If you don’t have the balls to rock a REAL mohawk, so you decide rock a FauxHawk instead - you’re a pussy and the FauxHawk just advertises your being a pussy to the whole world. I get tired of seeing pussy-ass prep boys and douchebags trying to co-opt punk flavor into their white-washed worlds so they can get that “bad boy” image. Men with earrings? Co-opted. Obvious Bleached hair? Co-opted. Tattoos? Co-opted. Facial piercings? Co-opted. Thank fuck they haven’t co-opted the ‘hawk. It’s still too “hardcore” for the pansy-ass douchebags. Rock your pussy half-ass fauxhawk all the hell you want. Douchebag.
POINT VALUE : 50 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : a REAL mohawk.

Dancing Like You’re In A Shallow Pool

If you’re scratching your head wondering what I’m talking about - I’ll help you out here. Close your eyes and imagine you’re in a shallow (like, say, 4 feet) pool. Now imagine you’re trying to wade through it. How would your arms be positioned? Out to your side. And, your body would rock slowly back and forth as you walked. Now, realize that douchebags do this on the dancefloor all night long. To me, it looks like some ape-like primitive movement that tries to reinforce the “tough guy” image, without putting too much work into it. If you still need a visual, I’ve actually found a videoclip of this peculiar mating signal taking place. Just right-click on this link and choose “Save File As..” (or “Download Link to Disk”) to watch it.
POINT VALUE : 50 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : Learn how to dance.

Wearing a Headband

I know, I just had to use that image twice. Look, headbands were made for tennis players so they could dually keep their hair out of their face AND soak up head-sweat to keep their eyes clear to see the court and still play. Football and Basketball players wear them, too, while Baseball players have hats as part of their uniform to serve the same purpose (and to keep the sun out of their eyes). There’s no way in hell you’re working up the same amount of sweat knocking back Bud Light and Dirty Martinis and wading through an imaginary shallow pool. I know it’s an integral part of the Douchebag image to pretend you have a likeness with professional sports players but, really, you’re not fooling anyone. If you are fooling anyone, they’d be far too dumb to notice the headband in the first place.
POINT VALUE : 40 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : Playing a sport, professionally, that requires this accessory.

Taking Yourself Too Seriously

The original caption of that image, given by the very douchebag who had the gall to upload and display that image of himself to the world, was “kiss for all you haters”. That guy, Lee Hotti, is so utterly douchebaggish that he’s inspired an entire website dedicated to his ilk. The problem is, throughout all of the images I’ve seen of him and his friends, they’re all so fucking SERIOUS looking. Why? Because they’re so sure they’re the g’damn coolest people alive, and they take themselves so seriously. If you were at all offended by this post, because you count yourself amongst the cursed population that engages in such douchebaggery, then you need to lighten the fuck up. Seriously. I would suggest you change your ways, but I’m guessing you’ve worked yourself into a niche where your generic attempts at style and fashion have near-guaranteed you a certain number of drunken idiots that will fall into your bed at the end of a given night and you’d hate to lose that. Instead, I suggest you stop taking yourself so seriously. This is the pinnacle thing that makes a douchebag what he is. Life is a huge fucking joke, and it’s time you realized it. If you’re not laughing - you’re missing the joke. I will forever laugh at people who looked over this list and went “ohman. I do that! Fuck you!”. If you’re laughing with me, at the ridiculousness of how easy it is to peg these people into a singular group - then cool! You’re in on the joke, and we can have a fuckin’ laugh and when I say “nice headband, fag!” you can say “yeah, nice forehead spike, schmutz!” and then we’ll go back to laughing at George Bush cause he’s the joke of the world and it’s nice to see everyone come together for a common cause : hating the U.S. President. Regardless of all of that - I’m laughing at Douchebags cause they can’t laugh at themselves. You’ll never hear me rip on Penn and/or Teller because while they may be incredibly goofy looking, they rip on themselves so often, there’s nothing left for me to say. Ditto for Patton Oswalt. David Cross. The list can go on and on. Laugh at yourself, and how utterly ridiculous you look and maybe I’ll consider laying off you for a bit. Hmm.. no, I probably won’t, but at least you’ll be in on the joke. Douchebag.
POINT VALUE : 150 points
ACCEPTABLE VARIATIONS : None.

Tallying Up The Score

If your total comes to more than 100 - you’re a douchebag. If you can safely say that, even though you scored more than 100 points but you’re laughing at the utter ridiculousness of your style, then you get to subtract 150 points from your score for not taking yourself too seriously.

Oh, and if your name is Tom Cruise and this video is of YOU trying to dance - you are DAS UBERDOUCHEBAG.

Why To Avoid Douchebags

They can’t fuck, that’s guaranteed. If you take yourself too seriously - there’s no way you’re any fun in bed. Furthermore, as most of these things listed above are simply attempts by you to look like you’re “worth” more than the average human - you’re probably too self-absorbed to notice you’re pumping away at a girl who fell asleep from boredom. It’s also quite possible that many of these things are your pathetic attempt to overcompensate for your shortcomings in the penile department. I’m no Ron Jeremy, but I know it takes more than just a penis to make a woman happy in bed.
Douchebags are also no fun at parties, because they’ll constantly be running to the bathroom to check their hair. Also, you’ve got the embarrassment of having to apologize to all of your friends for being the one who brought the Douchebag to the party. Chances are, they’ll be “too cool” to let their hair down (figuratively) and engage in the silly activities that occur at parties (pinning tails on donkeys being amongst them). Life is supposed to be fun - not a fuckin’ machismo fashion show.
If you’ve ever dated or even slept with a Douchebag - I’d love to hear your story. If you’d prefer to stay anonymous, feel free to contact me and tell me in private. I’ll post it in a follow-up entry as “an anonymous responder”.

How To Avoid Douchebags

It’s pretty easy, usually. If you laugh at them for awhile, that tends to make them go away. If you need inspiration for laughter, just mentally preface everything they say with “I’m a complete Douchebag..”, replace “dance” with “dance like I’m in a shallow pool” and any kind of sexual activity with “trying to pound into you like an anxious 14 year old then fall asleep on top of you, sweaty and drunk”.
EXAMPLES :
Douchebag says : “Let’s dance”
You hear : “I’m a complete Douchebag.. Let’s dance like I’m in a shallow pool”

Douchebag says : “Let’s head back to my place and get it on, baby”
You hear : “I’m a complete Douchebag.. Let’s head back to my place and I’ll try to pound into you like an anxious 14 year old then fall asleep on top of you, sweaty and drunk”

You dig? Good. Barring laughing in their faces, you could always say “I’m here with someone” or “I’d rather fuck my hand”.

Spread The Word

I’ve done my part, now you can do yours. Watch the PSA. Become informed. Stomp out this plague by avoiding these douchebags at all costs.

If You Hate Me For This..

I said this in a post long ago, in response to the douchebags trying to fight back after my PSA. Their fight was pretty lame, however, but even still I’d like to further extend my offer once again.

If, in defense of your douchebaggery, you’d like to make a serious pwnage video, YTMND page or what-have-you, feel free. In fact, HERE’S OVER 300 PICTURES OF ME, plus THESE RIGHT HERE and THESE OVER HERE and any of the images in my MySpace gallery to use in such a project. I’ll even link your creations back here if you’d like. Hey guys - HAVE AT IT! Seriously. I’d be fucking HONORED.