Pretentious Assclowns
Sometimes, I hear people’s self-described pseudo-titles and I think “wow. you’re a pretentious assclown”. Thing is, I’m not even sure they realize how pretentious and utterly ass-clownish they’re being. My job, as an outspoken jacknobber with “a bolt in his head” (a description given by one of my friends’ parents, who apparently hate me for leaving marks on her during rough sex - my bad) is to inform ye of the uninformed variety of exactly what they’re doing wrong, so they may hopefully make change to the effect of bettering themselves.
Perfectionists
If you say “I’m a perfectionist”, you’re a pretentious assclown. I know, I know, you’re completely unaware of that. Well, allow me to elucidate. We agree, as a people, that no single thing, much less person has ever reached any level of “perfection”, yes? If you’re arguing that point, first hit yourself with a brick and then realize perfect people would never hit themselves with a brick, then go back to the beginning of this paragraph and read it again.
No matter the project you’re working on, if you claim to be a “perfectionist” you’re saying to me one of the following :
- “I have no confidence in my work, so I shall deliver mediocre results”
- “I never finish anything, and use cop-out excuses to get out of being pigeonholed for never finishing anything”
- “I am Midas. When I finish this, it will be the beaming image of perfection and I can do no wrong. Any attempt to prove otherwise will only serve to further my assumption that you simply cannot compete on this plane of existence with me.”
Clearly, none of the above are good traits to have. Least of all when you’re expecting results from someone. Since no one is perfect, and by extension can never achieve perfection or produce perfection, and perfection itself is entirely subjective at best - saying “perfectionist” shows you probably have no grasp of the word “perfect”.
My favorite alternative iteration of the phrase is “I’m a bit of a perfectionist”. To paraphrase David Cross, who explained that misusing the word “literal” is to use it in the exact opposite way in which it was intended - saying you’re a “bit of” something so absolute is… well, more brick-hitting behavior.
If you’d like to get across the idea that you work hard on projects until you’re satisfied, might I suggest saying “I’m a good-enough-for-the-task-at-hand-onist” or “I’m a doing-the-best-I-can-onist” or the simpler “I’m a human”.
Thinking Man’s _______
Most of the time, this is used in entertainment. Comedy, especially. Recently I came across the site for a comic who billed himself as “The Thinking Man’s Comic”. Oh really? And the rest of us? We to appeal solely to the other 98% of the “dumb, common folks”? And for the audiences, if you think the comic sucks (much like the one in question), are you automatically relegated to the “you don’t get it, cause you’re a dumbfuck” category?
You just can’t win, can you? Au contraire, for they are… (say it with me now) Pretentious Assclowns.
The only difference between the so-called “thinking man’s comic” and the “lowest common denominator” comic comes down to subject matter. Many people say Larry “The Cable Guy” is for dumb backwoods rednecks. Whether or not that’s a true statement has little to do w/the argument of intelligence. Comparing Larry to, say, David Cross (I pick him only because of his ongoing feud w/the man) is simply bathroom humor vs. political humor. While I’ve rarely been a fan of bathroom humor, I can only be inspired for hearty guffaws about the politics that I’m aware of. If I have no idea what happened in Eastern Canada in the 1940s and you base your entire set on the matter - I ain’t laughin’. Does that make me stupid? Nope. I’m just not well-versed in the goings-on of that particular geographic region at that particular moment in history. It has nothing to do with “smarts”.
Conversely, I once got tapped to fly to TX to perform for a Comp USA employee appreciation shindig. I got passed up cause of my “look” (I know, color me a surprised shade of blue for that one), but had I gotten the gig I can guarantee you it would’ve included at least a few cracks at IE’s lackluster support for prevailing web standards, or Apple’s creative “borrowing” of XEROX PARC technology for the Macintosh and then blaming Microsoft for theft over the same thing. Maybe I’d have tosssed out lines like “c’mon now.. raise your hand if you’re sick of the underscore holly hack to fix IE’s bloated box model mishap in pre-SP2 software unless an explicit XHTML Doctype has been properly declared. Eh? Eh? Am I right?” Most of you are probably thinking “what the FUCK did that mean?” but I’d have killed at Comp USA. Are they more intelligent than you? Nope. Just a different subset of knowledge.
People often confuse knowledge with intelligence. That’s a common misconception. Thing is, there’s very few things that makes one’s lack of knowledge directly indicative of their level of intelligence. It’s all in how you USE that knowledge that makes one intelligent. Ahh.. but I digress.
The point is, EVERYONE is a “thinking man’s comic”. You HAVE to think to process comedy. You hear (or read) a collective string of words, put them together in your head, cross-reference with your experience thus far as a human, and either laugh the requisite volume and length of time that seems most appropriate for the occasion, or you say “that joke sucked” and throw a tomato at the prick.
That having been said - “insider” comedy is a bit more ballsy cause you’ve really got to know your core audience, and an audience member who feels like s/he’s “in on the joke” is gonna laugh a lot harder than, say, the kind of laughs that smashing fruit might invoke. Having performed at both an underground BDSM hall and a Vegan dinner party at a DIY punk venue and held my own at both events (despite being into neither one) - I know these things first-hand.
From here on out, when someone refers to themselves as “the thinking man’s comic” - explain that they’re clearly confused on the subject of knowledge versus intelligence and that a TRUE “thinking man” would never make that distinction to begin with because pretension shows a lack of confidence and intelligence.
Oh, and then throw a tomato at the prick.
Life Coach
Does anyone REALLY need to be coached on life? We’ve been on this earth for however many 100’s of 1000’s of years and in this great year of our (fill in denomination here) 2006, people are wondering HOW to do it?
Unless you’re coaching people on how to usurp funds from well-meaning individuals for the privilege of public information that’s innate within all of us — you’re not teaching anything about life, and you’ve clearly not learned enough about life if that’s your only real qualification.
I would think if you’re looking to be taught by someone about a particular subject matter - you’re going to want to go to people who have excelled at that craft. However, sitting in your comfy suburban loft and spouting self-help excrement for confused 30-somethings shows me, in all senses of the term, that you’ve failed at life and you have no authority to tell other people how to do much of anything (save for the aforementioned loft-dwelling Pretentious Assclown activities).
You want some life coaching? Here ya go, 4 simple cliches to rocket you to success :
- Shit or get off the pot
- Don’t shit where you eat
- Fling enough shit, something’s bound to stick*
- Shit happens
*Or, to put it as Michael Helms once did : “Even a blind pig gets an acorn”
That’ll be $666.00 please. Thank you, drive thru.
Do the web2.0 social bookmarking thing....
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Janis said :
“Sometimes, I hear people’s self-described pseudo-titles and I think “wow. you’re a pretentious assclownâ€. Thing is, I’m not even sure they realize how pretentious and utterly ass-clownish they’re being.”
mirror, someone hand him a mirror!!!!
You call yourself “Rev. Mitcz”. Thats an assclown psuedo title if I ever saw one.
This whole article has you describing “perfectionists” as being lazy good for nothings. Most true artists aspire to “perfect” their creations. Thats what “perfection” is about, its about crafting a creation, and constantly trying to improve upon it.
“I have no confidence in my work, so I shall deliver mediocre results†Yes, perfectionists never think what they create is good enough, thats why they strive to do better, get it?
You tell people you can’t get booked in comedy clubs on account of your appearence? Look in the mirror, you aren’t that weird looking, and you aren’t that intelligent or funny. If you were a pefectionist, you would have noticed this allready and either shit (became a success, since you think you are THAT good, Bill Hicks was controversial, not you.) or got off the pot. (stop trying, please).
I’m not even sure you realize how utterly pretentious and assclown you are allready.
Rev. Mitcz said :
Ohhh Janis, if only you actually tried to comprehend the things you read before replying.
1. “Rev.” Mitcz is a semi-joking pseudonym. There’s a very extensive F.A.Q. on this site that explains it. Using titles like that, or “Dr”, etc have absolutely nothing to do with what this post was about - you’re talking about professional title prefixes, I’m talking about self-appointed personality titles. Sorry to burst your bubble there.
2. I didn’t say perfectionists were lazy good-for-nothings. I was stating that there are some people who half-finish shit and then claim “oh, it’s because I’m a perfectionist”. Yes, I firmly believe perfectionist is a pretentious assclown title. I pointed it out mostly for comedic purposes, but I have my serious points about it, as well.
3. Working on a project many times over to make it the best it can be is a-okay with me. Hence the “do the best I can” part of that rant, you dig?
4. I never once said, or implied, that I couldn’t get booked into clubs because of either my appearance or my controversial comedy. I’m not altogether that controversial, really. Nowhere near as much as Bill Hicks - the reigning king of controversy, who unfortunately suffered an artistic-social martyrdom because of it (but for the record - I love and respect what he did in his short time on this planet) - I was talking SPECIFICALLY about ONE gig. The CompUSA employee appreciation gig. They wanted a clean-cut, dry, PG-13 comic. I am not that comic. Not getting booked to mainstream clubs has absolutely nothing to do with controversy or my look, as both have gone over quite well in most clubs I’ve performed at. Not having mainstream club gigs has more to do with my laziness and lack of time in my schedule - and I certainly don’t intend to claim that’s someone else’s fault.
I’m all for constructive criticism, and/or calling me on my shit - but alas, you failed miserably at that. If you’re going to take my words and twist them to fit your point, be sure that you’ll be called on it too.