Nintendo is Ruining My Sanity

Quick - raise your hand if you’ve ever played ANY of the Mario games where Mario had to save the princess from Bowser. I see a lot of hands. Why?

Cause we’ve all done it.

I recently bought a Wii (best fucking thing EVER, btw) and I bought Super Mario Bros on the Virtual Console cause.. I just love that game. I can never get enough of it. The game brings back so many great memories for me that I can just sit there listening to the music and go into some nostalgic wonderland in my head.

Anyway, so I was playing it the other night to unwind after a 12-hour workday, and having a drink, and after a few levels of “Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle” I thought about making a shirt that showed the same scene but instead said..

“Thank you Mario! But your Princess is with another man…”

Cause wouldn’t that just be it? I mean, he puts up with ALL this shit and you know in real life she’d just leave him for his brother Luigi. Or Bowser.

I bring this up cause I recently ran into this little tidbit (taken from play-nintendo.com)

Nintendo of America Requests the Pleasure of Your Company at the Marriage of Peach to Bowser on the 9th Day of April 2007

The nuptials will take place at the beginning of Super Paper Mario™, which will be available for Nintendo’s hot new Wii™ home video game system. Those who wish to attend - or thwart - the ceremony will need to switch between 2-D and 3-D.

Moreover, an analyst suggest this …

Bowser doesn’t actually kidnap Peach, she goes voluntarily. Unfortunately, Mario always has to ruin it by ’saving’ her in order to make himself look good.

It gets even creepier. This, taken from the manual for Super Mario DS :

Who’s behind Princess Peach’s disappearance?
Who is behind the attack on Peach’s Castle?
Are the two inclidents related?
Didn’t Bowser Jr. once think Princess Peach might be his mother?

What a goddamned mind-fuck. Seriously. Let me explain (please, I need to, it’ll keep me sane to get this shit out)…

So here’s this hairy, overweight, Italian plumber guy. He’s no superhero. Probably not the brightest bulb in the box (my sincerest of apologies to hairy, overweight, Italian plumbers the world-over) and he’s way into this chick. She’s fuckin’ gorgeous. Way out of his class. But, because of his undying love for her, he goes after her every time she gets up and kidnapped (which happens a lot in the world of Mario).

This poor fella’s been beaten down - had rocks and hammers and bullets tossed at him, had to ride around on dinosaurs and smash turtles and WTF is a goomba? and jump over screamin’ hot lava and learn how to fly with a feather (lord only knows wtf that was about) and dress up in weird costumes and he even brought his brother into the mix to help out…. just, you name it.

So he goes through ALL that shit, MANY times over in many different worlds, and here’s this prissy little thing who doesn’t have the cojones to just say “Look, Mario, I’m just not that into you”?? Man, FUCK that shit.

It’s not that Mario’s a sucker, or that he’s a creepy stalker-dude or anything. He just doesn’t know. Probably figures she’s too mentally fucked up from all these kidnappings to be ready to settle down and have little Mario babies. All the while, this chick’s playin’ him for a damned fool.

Why do I even give a shit? Well, beyond it shattering everything wholesome and sacred about the Mario empire - this shit echoes through in my own life. I’ve been there. I’ve been Mario. Not literally, and certainly I didn’t traverse 32 levels of insanity to save her from some evil ex-boyfriend or anything.

But, I have been through that shit where some chick plays the victim role and says “this guy just won’t leave me alone” or “my ex keeps bothering me to marry him” bla bla bla. And ya know, you take pity, as a man. Cause we’re all entertaining the thought of being heroes and shit. Probably because of too much Mario-playing as a kid. So, I’d go forth and comfort her, and try to be exclusive and shit. And try to cuddle a poor girl. And sit there trying to help her get rid of the stalker. Meanwhile, some months later, you come to find out that she was saying the SAME shit to that guy about YOU. And then she goes and marries him. Secretly. And lies to you by telling you her mom died so you wouldn’t wonder why she was suddenly distant and quiet and always wrapped up in personal shit.

True story.

Anyway, so this whole Mario thing is fuckin’ me up. It’s sneaking into my dreams, masquerading as a different scenario with similarities to prove some kind of lesson or something. Hell, I had a dream recently where a boyfriend showed up to get his g/f away from me and went on this whole speech about “do you have ANY idea what I’ve been through to get here??” and I was just like “dude, she’s just not that into you”.

Nintendo - I’m sending you a bill for my therapy.

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