To Do List

I think it’s important to keep a list of one’s goals in life. They don’t all have to be important, but they should be documented for integrity’s sake. I’ll admit my list is strange, and perhaps more revealing than some would like. Below is the ever-growing, updated-as-I-have-a-chance list of “Things I’d Like To Say I’ve Done By The Time I Die” (separated by category)..

Entertainment

• Perform as a lead singer in a band
• Perform stand-up comedy
• Perform stand-up comedy for a sold-out crowd
• Win an Emmy/Oscar/Grammy (as in “any of those three”)
• Perform Stand-up Comedy for my mother and father
• Call my mother from the stage, while performing comedy
• Attract a groupie, from a performance
• Do an HBO Comedy Special
• Act in a horror film
• Get the Starring Role in any film
• Write at least one screenplay
• Roast (or be roasted by) someone at the Friar’s Club
• Work with Gary Oldman on-screen
• Work with Christian Slater on-screen
• Be one of VH-1’s “regulars” as an authority on something. Like they do w/Scott Ian, Henry Rollins, et al.
• Succesfully dress up as “someone else”, blending in seemlessly to avoid cameras and screaming fans
• Do a lengthy photoshoot with Chad Michael Ward

Professional

• Design a site that gets over a million hits a year
• Design Vivid.com’s default tour
• Design Vivid.com’s Members Area
• Become the head of a design team
• Tell a boss to “fuck right off”
• Quit “day job” to pursue a lucrative career in entertainment
• Get over 100,000 hits to one of my own sites in a month
• Make it on either the A, B, or C list of Blogebrity.
• Make an “eight figure” income

The Sappy Stuff

• Fund a massive, concentrated, intelligent effort to actually combat world hunger. Maybe like teaching advanced Permaculture techniques to developing countries
• Be remembered for something great
• Personally, and directly save the life of someone I love

The Normal Stuff

• Fall in Love
• Get completely heart-broken
• Experience love-at-first-sight
• Legitimately (and with my sober concession) father at least one boy, and one girl
• Be a Grandfather
• Own a Home
• Buy a brand-new car, off the lot
• Buy a projection-screen TV
• Have a talk of life and love w/my dad that makes me think of him as a “normal” human being. Like someone I would know as a friend, and not just my dad.

Sexual

(you knew this was coming)

• Fuck someone I Love
• Anal
• Get “Road Head”
• Act out the “burgular breaks in and fucks victim while they’re blindfold” fantasy with a willing participant
• Have a “24 hour girl” (meet, have sex, leave and never speak again within 24 hours)
• Be someone’s first-choice for a booty-call
• Fuck a mother who’s child I did not father
• Fuck an engaged woman
• Fuck a married woman
• Fuck a woman in her wedding dress
• Fuck a pornstar
• Fuck a professional model
• Fuck someone with a non-American accent
• Fuck a famous actress/musician/comedian (one of each)
• Have picture in tabloid for fucking a famous actress/musician
• “Sample The Fruits” of at least one woman in each of the following cultures/backgrounds/heritages : >Native American, African-American, German, Puerto Rican, British, Asian, Mexican, Canadian, Swedish, Italian, Russian and Serbian
• Have sex or get head once in each of the following places/situations : An elevator, a bathroom in a bar/club/restaurant (any of those three), a rooftop, a nice hotel, a shitty motel, a trailer, a park, my own car, a boat, a plane, a train, The White House, anywhere in Europe, drunk in a hotel in Vegas, in the champagne room at a strip club, anywhere in Italy, anywhere in Norway, anywhere in New York City.
• Have a Threesome
• Have a Threesome w/2 women
• Make a homemade porno
• Do a professional nude/pornographic modeling shoot
• Fuck while on Acid

“Living On The Edge” Shit

• Get Engaged, Married and Divorced within one week
• Get Married in an Elvis-themed wedding, in Vegas.
• Get shot, without dying or suffering any long-term effects (beyond scarring, of course)
• Go Sky Diving
• Go Scuba Diving
• Go Snowboarding
• Live in a house of complete strangers, in a state I’ve never even visited
• Move alone to another state I’ve never visited, to live alone.
• Wrestle A Crocodile
• Get in a fight
• Get in a fight with multiple people
• Outrun a cop in a car chase
• Punch a priest
• Tell the pope, in a language he’ll understand, exactly what I think of him
• Convert a streat-preaching bum into an atheist or at least agnostic
• Crash a car. Intentionally
• Drink until I pass out, and wake up not remembering anything from the night before - with some kind of weird keepsake as the only clue
• Rent a really fucking fast car and drive as fast as possible between Phoenix, AZ and Riverside, CA
• Burn unpaid bills in a drugged-out stupor

The Most Important Goal

• Make the world an overall better place to live by the time I die, than it was at the time of my birth, because of something I was directly involved with.