Back in high school, when I was maybe 16-17 years old, I had this friend Jake who was a bit of a smarmy prick, but he had a knack for introducing me to someone or something new. Through him, I saw Clerks and Mallrats. I first heard LoveLine (with Adam Carolla & Dr Drew). In a roundabout way, he’s also why I know how to make websites (which I explained here). And he introduced me to this particularly foxy and fun girl named Michelle.

Michelle was a short, doll-faced 15 year old¹ with an enormous rack and somehow an inability to be offended by anything. Jake would constantly make fun of her, and then ask her to flash people. She usually just jokingly called him a dick, but for some reason when he said “hey, show Mitcz your tits” she actually pulled me into his bathroom to show me her tits. And there was a slight bit of making out. She said “just tell Jake I showed you my bra”. I agreed and walked back in to the room saying “she’s got a nice bra…”.

Jake said “sure, sure, I’ll bet she showed you her tits and made-out with you. I know how she is, buddy”. She did that laugh-and-smack-his-arm thing chicks do.

I’m never sure how Jake met her, given that she was about a year younger than him and lived out in Pinnacle Peak. We were in Paradise Valley. It’s not a long drive, per se, it was just.. completely on the other end of town. Different schools, different “hangout spots” (which were nonexistent in PP at the time), all that. I was also unsure if he was constantly rejected by her (my theory at the time), or maybe never cared to try (which is a class of man I still don’t understand). Eventually it came to be that I’d drive out to Pinnacle Peak to hang out with Michelle without Jake. Pinnacle Peak, at the time, was basically a bunch of empty desert and little neighborhoods of GIANT homes (like 2-3 stories, 5+ bedrooms). So, I’d drive out there and we’d park in the middle of the empty desert and fuck around. One time, I brought my friend Ryan with me and introduced him to his first handjob (which was also my first devil’s semi-threeway – picture someone holding ski poles). Michelle loved first-timers. She, in fact, had it in her head that she’d be “my first” cause I hadn’t yet had sex and she .. well, like I said, she liked first-timers. We never ended up having sex, though.

One late-afternoon, in the summer, I asked her if she wanted to go camping for the night. Usually, she had to sneak out cause her controlling dad wouldn’t let boys come pick her up. This would be an opportunity for us to have quite a lot of fun. She had a friend of hers pick her up, then drop her off next to my car about a mile up the road. We drove out to one of the many campsites just outside of town and we got high, fucked around, got even more high.. you get the point.

The sun was coming up and she said “I need to be back before morning. My dad said I could stay at (whatever-her-friend’s-name-was)’s house, but I need to be home by 7”. She said this at 6am.

I packed up the tent, doused the fire, and hauled ass back to Pinnacle Peak to drop her off about a block away from her house. Her dad was pissed that she was 20 minutes late and.. also, how did she get home? He saw no car. She said “oh, my friend was in a rush”. He smelled bullshit.

When I got home about 30 mins later, I got a call on my phone. My mom was cool enough to let us “upstairs kids” have our own phoneline. It didn’t matter now, though, cause my mom disappeared for most of the summer throughout my high school life – she, being a teacher, wanted to enjoy her vacation time by kayaking with my step-dad. On the phone was Michelle, she just said “I need you to confirm to my dad that we drove aroun…” I hear the phone rustling and it’s her dad.

the dad : “Hey, is this MITCZ?”
me : “yeah”
the dad : “where did you take my daughter?”
me : “Uhh…”
the dad : “I got her story. I wanna hear your story”.

(Ooooh.. fuck. We never talked about having a “story”. I thought she was just gonna say she was staying with her friend. I stayed quiet. This turned out to be a good move. He broke.)

the dad : “She says you guys drove around… is that your story?”
me : “yeah, that’s.. pretty much it, man”
the dad : “where did you drive?”
me : “listen, I’m really tired and..”
the dad : “YOU LISTEN TO ME!”

( … ohh shit this dude was PISSED… )

the dad : “I know you’re both lying to me, and you guys can’t even get your story straight. I’m gonna call back tonight and talk to your parents”

I shouldn’t have laughed, but.. that shit was hilarious. I mean, I wasn’t an adult, but.. I was almost 17. This dude’s acting like I’m 5 years old.

the dad : “I WILL SPEAK TO YOUR PARENTS!”
me : “sorry, they’re out of town. And, this is my phone. So.. good luck getting them on the line, buddy”.

I hung up. I felt like a badass. Never did see her again.

Fun fact : she had some friends I later ended up meeting at school and.. well, there’s 100s of stories about THOSE friends in the coming months.

1. please keep in mind I was 16 at the time before you sit there cringing about her age ↩