My mom died 10 years ago this September. Cancer. The fucking bastard cancer, I don't even wanna capitalize it. I'm a momma's boy, like just about every other man on this planet, and I'd had many nightmares throughout my life about her dying. In the year leading up to it, knowing she likely wouldn't see another Christmas (her favorite holiday, and also her birthday), I was beside myself with grief ...
Shaleen. It doesn't matter what her last name is, as I could never spell it as a kid and I certainly don't remember how to spell it now. One of those weird long Russian-sounding names. I could probably dig through my closet and find one of my grade school yearbooks and figure out the spelling and look her up on Facebook, though I'm certain she's married with a new last ...
My first tattoo was a prison tattoo. Not delivered inside a prison. But it was delivered non-professionally, with a prison-made tattoo gun, by an ex-con, for the price of a 6-pack of beer. About as close as one can get to a prison tattoo without actually being in prison. It was 1998, I was 18 years old. I was living in my first apartment, I was regularly spending time with ...
In my Origin Story, of Sorts, I said I started smoking around age 13 and kept on going for 20 years. That's almost exactly right. I finally quit in 2011. But, that wasn't my first attempt to quit the white-sticked devil. No, like almost every single smoker before me, there were many half-attempts, false-starts, and relapses. My first time quitting was right around Freshman year of high school. The summer ...
A story that's rarely told, or even discussed by the two of us, is that I remember the day Stoya wanted my opinion on whether or not to do what she calls porn porn. That is to say the whorearchy (short explanation, longer explanation) of "I shoot nude photos, tee hee" vs "I show my pussy in some photos" vs "well, sometimes I've got a ...
In all the stories I've told of dating, or sex, I've never revealed anyone's identity or name. It's not my style. But, this one's different for many reasons. The first of which is that I have explicit permission. Also : she's written about us. And it was later immortalized and illustrated in Heavy Metal magazine. While her story is more poetic and beautiful ...
Embiggen (verb) : to make bigger or more expansive Let me roll back the clock to 2003. I've spoken before about my ill-fated mission to move to NYC by way of Florida, only to backtrack 3 days later. Some might wonder "wait, how did you finance that terrible adventure and not end up broke?". The short answer is : I digitally altered dicks to look larger than humanly possible. The long answer ...
(slight apologies for breaking one of my rules, but it's been awhile and I'm making up for it) I have mentioned before my first "Adult Human Person Job", but not about the reason I quit. This isn't a self-serving "let me tell you about a rough day at work" rant. There's a lesson to be learned here, and one that took me many years to learn myself - ...
(if you missed Part 1, you’re gonna be confused) Probably the number one thing I miss about living in the heart of Hollywood is being able to walk to giant events and goings-on around me. It makes you feel pretty g'damn awesome when you can just walk out your door and go to the most famous movie theatre in the world just to see a matinee. Or to the Pantages to ...
One of the fun, albeit sometimes weird, things about living in a Big City -- especially one with such an entertainment-based economy as Los Angeles -- is that opportunities will fall into your lap in the strangest of ways, and there's a constant test of your willingness to go along with them. Behind Door Number One is "this thing some guy offered and you're not even sure if you'll ...