My first tattoo was a prison tattoo. Not delivered inside a prison. But it was delivered non-professionally, with a prison-made tattoo gun, by an ex-con, for the price of a 6-pack of beer. About as close as one can get to a prison tattoo without actually being in prison. It was 1998, I was 18 years old. I was living in my first apartment, I was regularly spending time with ...

In my Origin Story, of Sorts, I said I started smoking around age 13 and kept on going for 20 years. That's almost exactly right. I finally quit in 2011. But, that wasn't my first attempt to quit the white-sticked devil. No, like almost every single smoker before me, there were many half-attempts, false-starts, and relapses. My first time quitting was right around Freshman year of high school. The summer ...

Embiggen (verb) : to make bigger or more expansive Let me roll back the clock to 2003. I've spoken before about my ill-fated mission to move to NYC by way of Florida, only to backtrack 3 days later. Some might wonder "wait, how did you finance that terrible adventure and not end up broke?". The short answer is : I digitally altered dicks to look larger than humanly possible. The long answer ...

(if you missed Part 1, you’re gonna be confused) Probably the number one thing I miss about living in the heart of Hollywood is being able to walk to giant events and goings-on around me. It makes you feel pretty g'damn awesome when you can just walk out your door and go to the most famous movie theatre in the world just to see a matinee. Or to the Pantages to ...

One of the fun, albeit sometimes weird, things about living in a Big City -- especially one with such an entertainment-based economy as Los Angeles -- is that opportunities will fall into your lap in the strangest of ways, and there's a constant test of your willingness to go along with them. Behind Door Number One is "this thing some guy offered and you're not even sure if you'll ...

Story 1 I've been online dating since online dating began. Well, probably not literally, but... long enough. 16 years or so. Throughout that time, I've met a lot of cool people, had many crazy stories, and made a lot of new friends and lovers over the years. I'm still doing it, now that there's a wealth of options like OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, FetLife, and more. In all these years, I've ...

(if you missed Part 1, you're gonna be confused) The plans were set in motion : I was to fly to Salt Lake City, Utah. Then rent a car to drive to the tiny border town of Pocatello, Idaho. Then get a hotel nearby. All of this was on my own dime, including the time ...

In Mid-2007, things were winding down for Aural Salvation, I wasn't doing much comedy (hell, I performed maybe once a year from 2003-2008), and I was gettin' the old acting bug. When you're non-union, have no agent, and you're unsure if you actually can act, your source for acting gigs is Craigslist. This means it's a crap-shoot. Sure, student films are fine, but sometimes you end up making weird movies ...

It was the night before MLK day, 2005. I remember that, not because I've got such an enriched soul that I track memorial days of fallen human rights activists, but because I didn't have to work the next day - a Monday. I was in Long Beach, visiting some friends of mine (probably having a barbecue party or something). Around 9pm, that shindig was winding down, so I decided ...

(if you missed Part 1, Part 2, and/or Part 3, you're gonna be confused) It's difficult to summarize an entire year of one's life into little 5-7 minute pieces, but there's a lot to cover. There's also a lot of shorter stories in between, which I'll definitely end up telling separately. This series of posts is more of an overview. Or, perhaps, the bloodstream of the body ...