(if you missed Part 1, you’re gonna be confused)

What I try to tell people who don’t know what the Bad Girls Club is about is this : imagine if you could borrow Paris Hilton’s undeserved fame, her inherited money, and her self-aggrandizing behavior and could temporarily bestow that equally to 7 angry, attention-starved socialite 20-something girls, and then you threw them into a rent-free mansion, supplied them more alcohol than any group of 7 people could consume in a 6-month period, and told them “now… do crazy shit!”.

That’s the Bad Girls Club.

I’m not exaggerating about the alcohol, either. When Ailea walked me into the kitchen and asked if I wanted anything to drink, I said “I’ll have what you’re having”. She said “Vodka/OJ it is, then” and opened a cupboard that was stocked entirely with 1.9L (that’s the “double size”) bottles of Grey Goose. She said “this is the vodka cabinet”. They had a fucking vodka cabinet. They also had an entire floor-length cabinet for all sorts of other alcohol and mixers. The message was clear : “hey girls, get drunk and get bad!”.

She toured me around the house. In the main hallway, there was a vending machine for condoms, lube, and sex toys. I don’t think it took money, cause frankly it’s not like these girls had any money to use, but I never saw anyone actually use it. Maybe it was just for decor, but it was well-stocked. She took me upstairs and showed me the rooms, briefly, before just pointing to her room and saying “that one’s mine”. I said “you wanna hang out in there?”, hoping for either a laugh or a “hell yeah!”, instead she just ignored it and led me back down the stairs by the hand. That’s when she showed me the backyard, the lower patio, the garden, the tennis court, things like that. I wanted to walk over and hang out near the courts, hoping maybe we could avoid the cameras. Shit had been relatively normal for almost 10 minutes there, and I figured if I could just keep her away from the cameras, all would be fine.

We sat together on the covered back patio area, in a wicker¹ loveseat and I had my arm around her and we just… talked. She went on another long discussion about her past, and how tough her life was, but she wasn’t crying and she wasn’t freaking out on me. She was apologetic, even. I just wanted her to cheer up, relax, and try to have a good time. She’d fade in and out of whining about her life, regardless of what I said. I tried to relate to her — saying that my mom was months away from death, but here I was trying to have a good time — but she just went right back to her problems. Literally didn’t even acknowledge that I mentioned my actual real life problems. I just sat and listened, and my only response was “right.. and that sucks, but… maybe let’s try to not dwell on shit and just… hang out”.

She went inside to use the bathroom and I stayed on the porch to have a cigarette. Just as Ailea walked back inside, Tiffany came out to the porch. In the clip (the highlight clip I made), she was the “I deal with, like, people gettin’ shot and like real problems” girl. Tiffany was cool, and being pretty down to earth with me. We talked about how she had found little places here and there to have a few minutes of privacy outside of the bathroom. Then she apologized that I “got stuck with the crazy one”. I said “I thought you were all the ‘crazy one’, right?”. She laughed and said “a-ight. fair, but she’s crazy to us“.

I went back inside and walked towards the kitchen, where I saw Ailea standing in the entryway, wiping away a tear while talking to Whitney (the girl from Boston). When Whitney saw me, she yelled at me “I’m gonna kick your fuckin’ ass, mothafucker!”. I was so confused. I said “what’d I do?”. Ailea just cried, and pretended to hold Whitney back while saying “no, it’s… not his fault…”, and Whitney pushed past her, filled the cup she was holding with jacuzzi water and tossed it in my face. That wasn’t too unpleasant, actually. But it was fucking weird. At that point, Kayla grabbed Whitney and said to her and Ailea “you two need to chill the fuck out!”. It’s ironic that she did that, seeing as she was the first one kicked out of the house a few episodes later for fighting. But, things were magically chill again for a bit, and I decided to just hang out in the kitchen and drink and let Ailea do whatever she was gonna do.

At some point, Ailea grabbed me by the hand and said “do you wanna go lie down with me in my room? no sex, just.. talking”. I went along with it, cause I figured there was no way to magically get Sarah instead. We went up into the room, she left the lights on, and we sat on her bed. We didn’t lie down, and I wasn’t about to suggest we did, lest she freak the fuck out on me. We started making out a little bit, and she even rubbed my groin through my pants. I thought “hey, maybe she’s finally decided to just be fuckin’ normal”. And maybe she was. But, of course, nothing can just work out wonderfully.

The door was still open. Whitney jumped in, yelling “THESE FUCKERS WERE PAID TO BE HERE!” and ran out. I could hear all the girls yelling at their dates. Surprisingly, Ailea didn’t yell at me. She just said “wait… I need to find out what’s going on” and she walked out. I walked out behind her and it was chaos all around. Everywhere I looked, dudes were being confronted by fingers wagging in their faces. Amber B (the hotter, slightly less ditzy of the Ambers) just said “I don’t give a fuck”, and slammed her door close to enjoy time with her date. That calmed down a few of the other girls, but some of them were still raging.

Ailea came back up the stairs and pulled me into her room again, and pinned me against the wall to make out. I was thinking “well… I guess I could stay for a bit”, but she stopped and said “why didn’t you tell me you were paid to be here?”. I said “I wasn’t paid to be here”. She raised her voice – “don’t fucking lie to me!”. I was trying to explain that the contract stipulated anything I did after the speed dating was entirely of my own volition, and was not some kind of paid gig, but she just kept yelling (as these Bad Girls are wont to do). I asked if she wanted me to leave, and that’s when the cameras showed up and she went right back into crying about how tough it is to, like, be a hot chick in a mansion or something. I don’t know.

I couldn’t take it. I decided to just walk down the stairs and go outside and find someone who could just give me back my shit so I could leave. In the show, that‘s the walk they show me doing down the stairs. When I got outside, I was surrounded by cameras. I threw up my arms and said “cut! cut! I’m breaking the 4th wall here! I want to go home. Can someone tell me how to get my stuff back?”. There was silence. Just lights and camera whizzing around me. No one would speak. I repeated myself “You can’t use this footage anyway, cause I’m acknowledging these cameras, and I’m talking about behind-the-scenes shit. Fuck. Can’t anyone tell me how the FUCK to leave?”. I heard a voice from one of the camera men, barely above a whisper. He said “go upstairs and pick up the pink phone. they’ll be able to buzz you out”.

I walked back in to the belly of the beast, went back upstairs, and picked up the pink phone, and there was no dial tone. It was just ringing. A lady answered on the second ring.

Phone Lady : who is this?
Me : Hi, this is Mitcz and..
Phone Lady : (cutting me off) who?
Me : I’m a guest of Ailea’s. And I’m leaving, so I need my stuff
Phone Lady : what stuff?
Me : all the stuff they confiscated when I arrived, like my phone and my wallet and my car keys
Phone Lady : where’s Ailea?
Me : I don’t know. Downstairs I think
Phone Lady : Tell Ailea to call us back

And she hung up.  I now had the uncomfortable task of trying to track down Ailea, amidst her tears, and ask her for a favor. She was downstairs. I decided to just wait upstairs for her, lest one of these other Bad Bitches decide to start throwing punches at me or something. She saw me upstairs and said “I thought you were leaving”. I said “yeah, I need you to talk to the lady on the pink phone”². She let out the world’s loudest sigh and made her way up the stairs. She picked up the phone, spoke quietly for only a few seconds, hung it up and said “okay. they have your stuff waiting for you outside”. I said “thanks. Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. I’m headin’ out”. She asked me if I’d kiss her before I left. I didn’t answer, I just grabbed her head and made-out with her. She said she was sorry for acting like a bitch, and would like the chance to go out some other time. I gave her my business card and told her to call or text me sometime. Then I turned around, walked back down the stairs, was handed a packet with all my shit in it, and drove the fuck home.

She never did call, but that’s probably for the best.

1. *shudders* wicker, god how I loathe wicker ↩

2. …which is a pretty good euphemism for lesbian sex, if you ever need one ↩