This is a story about Pam. You might remember her from the end of my Origin Story. As I’d mentioned at the time, her and Bill had broken up. It was a very amicable breakup in hindsight – being that I knew nothing at all about dating at the time, it didn’t seem that weird, but now as an adult I’m kind of surprised it went over that smoothly.

Ian had told me in class one day “Pam thinks you’re cute. She wanted me to tell you”. I was confused, given our social circle, and that Ian had known her far longer. I was the nerdy kid who was new to this crew. Why not Ian? Or Ed? Or pretty much anyone. We weren’t the popular kids, and she was a little more on the curvy side than girls of her age, but she definitely had more dating options than I had¹. “So.. what do I do?” I asked. He just shrugged, as if to say “figure it out dude”.

In those days – and this might be a sign of those times, or of that age, or it might be specific to Phoenix – the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic was settled very simply. Someone would say “do you wanna go out?” (always the emphasis on those last two words – as an adult, you’d only emphasize “out”) and if the other party said “yes”, then you were a couple. Easy peasy.

Pam, Ian, and I were hanging out after school that day and Pam said “did Ian give you my message?”. I was way too shy to just be like “ohh yeah. I get it, babe. You think I’m hot stuff” – I just nodded, and waited. She said “So…..?” and I froze. So what? What the hell am I supposed to do now? Oh shit! I was in one of those awkward social situations where everyone knows the right thing to do, but you don’t, and you’re waiting for a lead, but no one’s giving you a lead, so you’re just frozen. She picked up the slack – “…are you gonna ask me out?”

Oh shit. She wanted… THIS? She wanted.. ME? She wanted me to ask her out? Wow.

“W…Will… can we.. will you… do you wanna go out?” – “YAY!”, she bounced a little. Ian laughed “wow you’re new to this”. We all had a good laugh. Pam told me I’d need to kiss her to seal the deal. I froze again. I’d never kissed anyone. She knew that. Seemingly everyone knew that – Ian mocked me for that pretty regularly. But what do I do? Do I just lunge at her with my tongue out? Do people kiss with tongues this soon, or do you work up to that?

She grabbed my hand, and we stood up and started walking through one of the alleyways near her house. She stopped, looked at me, and just went for it. Her tongue was in my mouth. It felt odd, but exciting. She smelled great. She felt great. She put her hand on my ass. Ian was laughing. Fuck Ian. I was kissing, goddamnit. FINALLY.

For the next hour or so, we’d walk along and then stop every 40 feet or so to makeout for a minute, then continue walking. We got to her house, had another little makeout session, and everyone went their separate ways.

The next day at school, we held hands in the hallway, we kissed a little in the locker area, and we made plans to hang out again after school – where, presumably, more of this kissing business would commence (and, it turns out, did commence). I was feelin’ mighty fine about myself. Look at me – makin’ my way in the world, smoochin’ it up with busty broads in the lockers, smokin’ cigarettes a little bit. Watch out world!

The following day, Ian pulled me aside to tell me he had some bad news for me. “So… I’m not supposed to tell you this, but Pam’s doing this on a dare. We bet she wouldn’t be the first person to kiss you, so she agreed to go out with you for 3 days”. I think I shoved him. What a prick thing to say. “Are you jealous?” – “No, man, you can have her. I don’t even like Pam. I’m just telling you as a friend. She’s gonna break up with you today”.

I sat through the next 2 periods, wondering if Ian was right. Surely he was just being a dick. I should talk to Bill. He’d lay it to me straight. At lunch, I finally saw Pam. I said “Ian’s been a real dick today. Like.. he was talkin’ shit about .. us, y’know?”. She asked what he said. “Ohh.. like.. he made up this whole thing about you being dared to, uhh…” and her head dropped down, staring at the floor. She said “I’m sorry. I just wanted you to finally get your first kiss. But I had a lot of fun. No hard feelings?”.

Bill said he was tempted to warn me, but realized it was probably best that I just get my first kiss “without all the complicated feelings and stuff”. Frankly, I think he was right. And there were no hard feelings, oddly enough. We all stayed friends, and there was never any jealousy or awkwardness afterwards.

To this day, if I smell her perfume (which isn’t often, as it seems to be an old-lady perfume), I immediately get aroused and want to make out with the nearest female mouth I can find. No, I have no idea what the name of the perfume is, and I don’t want to know. It’s like my Kryptonite. If Kryptonite got you into a kissy-mood.

1. which was a grand total of zero ↩