I did this in 2015 and 2016, because I’m fully okay with showing how wrong I can be (and, mostly, because it’s a fucking hoot), so I’m doing it again this year.

I’m going to review my predictions from last year, rate them by accuracy (aside from obvious joke predictions), and you can find my 2018 predictions by looking out for #mitczpredicts2018 on Twitter or just by just clicking here (if you’re reading this before Dec 31, 2017 then you won’t see anything yet).

2017 was (yet another) pretty shitty year, but I’m curious how I did overall in my predictions.

So then, onto the #mitczpredicts2017 tweets…

I will FINALLY be releasing a new comedy special in Q1 2017, a previously-unreleased EP. TWO hours of new shit! #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : SUCCESS!

Yeahhhhh bitches. I nailed this one. You can buy my new comedy special “The Importance of Self-Loathing” on DVD, digital video, or MP3 from the Riffopolis Store. I’ve also put out the previously-unreleased “I Want to Make Love to Your Face” EP as a digital video download. If you want everything I’ve done all at once, check out The Trilogy of Terrible.

We’ll hear about “something that could impeach trump” every day for 3 months, then… nothing. #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : PARTIAL SUCCESS

It was practically every week, and for a lot longer than 3 months. Hell, the list of “things that could impeach trump” is a mile long at this point.

I will refuse to capitalize the drumpster fire’s name, and will almost exclusively refer to him as “drumpster fire” #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : SUCCESS!

This one was easy, cause I was in control of my writing that shitfuck’s name. Never did capitalize it, very often (and still do) use “drumpster fire” instead. It’s a small bit of rebellion, but it’s fun. Bonus : the fucking alt-right and/or russia bots will largely stay off your ass if you don’t use his name (the bots are searching for it).

Something in SW: EpVIII will reflect the loss of Carrie Fisher, and it’ll tug the heart strings #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

The writer/director said they’d wrapped by the time Fisher passed, so I guess I should’ve seen this coming. Notwithstanding a brief call-out in the end credits (which I didn’t see cause I was exiting the theatre), nothing really “reflected the loss”. I did get misty-eyed several times in the movie, some of which included Fisher’s role. But that doesn’t really count.

I’ll announce an exciting new project with a friend of mine that may or may not be up your alley #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

Not counting a still-in-planning tour with Stoya, I’m still working with said friend on a semi-secret project.

A respectable news organization will actually pay attention to Alex Jones, even though he’s useless #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : SUCCESS

Uhh.. yeah, fucking nailed this one. Though you may have forgotten, Megyn Kelly interviewed the motherfucker on NBC. I was right not only that a respectable news outlet would pay attention to him, but also that he continues to be useless. Sure, it’s an easy win, but it counts.

you and me? we gon’ fuck. f’real. #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

I wonder if anyone I fucked this year saw that tweet. Hmm..

The Riffopolis Network will be more active, expand to a 2nd studio, and launch more products in the store #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : 50/50

This is an odd one. On the one hand, Riffopolis wasn’t that much more active (sorry!), and we didn’t open that 2nd studio (yet), but we did put more products in the store, and overhaul the store completely.

I’ll get waaaay more high than I meant to, at least once, and then swear off pot for like 3-4 months #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : MOSTLY FAILURE

I never got way more high than I meant to. But I did buy some edible gummies on 4/20 that I went through over the course of a few weeks and when trying to figure out my ideal “micro” dosage, I ended up overdoing it a time or two and being like “ahh damnit. now I’m a little too high for a normal day”. That said, I didn’t end up swearing off pot for any particular time or reason.

For better or worse, you deserve a good spanking #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : JOKE TWEET

It may be a joke, but it’s still true.

you’ll finally tell them how you feel, and it’ll go better than you’ve feared #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

Did you, though? How did it go?

you’ll accomplish roughly 10% of your New Years Resolutions #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

How the hell would I know? I didn’t make any, so I’m good.

I will take a shirtless selfie, like a douchebag, but as part of a “look, I finally started being healthy” post #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : FAILURE

Epic failure. I’m a pile of shit.

Mitcz : The Expert will return for at least one episode. More if there’s enough questions/interest #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : FAILURE

Ehhh boy do I feel like a g’damn loser who accomplished nothing this year. Sorry, kids.

you’ll surprise me with an out-of-the-blue titty photo *makes hypnotism motion* yes you will…#mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : SUCCESS

Well, okay, maybe not you personally. But at least 3 people did send one to me within 24 hours of that tweet. So I’ll call that a win.

it doesn’t seem like it now, but… it’ll be okay. it’ll get better. #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

I.. don’t really know? Did anything get better? I have no idea.

that new Alien : Covenant movie is gonna be pretty alright #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : (PROBABLY) FAILURE

I didn’t see it. But, by all accounts (and friends’ reviews) it was a steaming pile. So… yeah, oops?

you’ll briefly explore a new-to-you kink, and you’ll be like “heyyy that wasn’t so bad” #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : UNDETERMINED

Did you, though? It’s fun to try new things!

We’ll both be alive at this time next year to review these dumb predictions #mitczpredicts2017

— Rev. Mitcz (@revmitcz) December 31, 2016

STATUS : SUCCESS

ha! Nailed it! See?!?

FINAL SCORE…

SUCCESS : 6
FAILURE : 6
UNDETERMINED / JUST A JOKE : 7

Hmm.. so, basically, not much better than just rolling dice. But, fuck it. Onward to 2018!