It’s a weird day when you can sum up a medical issue by merely quoting the title of a Cannibal Corpse song. But if you live long enough and do enough weird shit, things like that are bound to happen.

I was having morning sex with my girlfriend at the time – someone I’d been with for about 3 years at that point – and she was talkin’ dirty in my ear while I was leaning over her. We fucked porno-missionary, as I like to call it. If you need a visual reference, it’s basically….

She was yelling all sorts of “fuck me harder” and “that’s right.. fuck yeah” and the usual affair of filthy bedroom talk. Naturally, I fucked harder. I DO recall audibly hearing a “pop” noise, but I didn’t feel anything and when you’re in the throes of rough-fuck passion, you tend to ignore almost all sounds that don’t fit the narrative. A loud Latina woman shouting demands in my ear wasn’t really helping matters.

When it came time for me to “finish”, I told her I was about to cum¹. She gave a “fuck yeah… fuck yeah… cum on me” demand, and I pulled out, ripped off the condom, and shot a long, rope-like jet of blood-red fluid from my cock.

This must have been the most frightening moment in her life².

She yelled “HOLY FUCK ARE YOU OKAY?”. That’s the kinda woman I somewhat regret not marrying. I shoot a streaming jet of blood-spatter, from my dick, onto her torso and she’s worried about ME.

Thing is.. I felt fine. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t hurt leading up to it. It was like my dick wanted to play a fun trick on me – “hey, look what else I can shoot!”. If I were blind, I’d have thought nothing of it. Hell, if we weren’t having morning sex I doubt either of us would’ve noticed³.

But, holy fuck, it’s BLOOD. BLOOD FROM MY DICK. I CAME BLOOD.

Later that day, I called my doctor. The same doctor you’ll come to hear about in other stories, who I’m convinced would call losing an arm to leprosy “totally normal. nothing to worry about”.

And that was his diagnosis. “Blood in semen? Totally normal. Nothing to worry about.”

I’ve been alive since 1978. I’ve been sexually active since 1994. Blood shooting out of my dick has happened exactly once. That’s the polar opposite of normal⁴, but thankfully it’s never happened since.

For that, I am glad. No one wants to be a Cannibal Corpse song.

1. yes, I realize “come” is the preferred term, but it’s a filthy story so I’m using filthy shorthand ↩

2. and, for a moment, mine too ↩

3. but, yeah, it would’ve been a scary thing to wake up to once it dried ↩

4. in case you’re worried about this happening to you, here’s the relevant medical info (spoiler : it IS totally normal)  ↩