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Yellin’ Into Yarn Bins

Filed under : Childhood Stories

Written on March 5, 2015

I don’t know where I got the idea. I don’t remember when I started. I don’t remember when I stopped. But, of all the weird things I did as a kid, this one still stands out in the Top 5.

My mother, being the artsy & craftsy lady she was, would drag me (and sometimes my sister) along with her to Michael’s (the arts & crafts store, not some fella named Michael) when she was stocking up on …whatever she was working on. For some reason, I would go up to their “wall of yarn” (see header image for a reference), walk up to one of the bins, pull out 3-4 bundles of yarn, stick my whole head in there to create a kind of “seal”, and then…

…I’d curse. Really loudly. Just sitting there with my head in a bin going “FUCK. MOTHERFUCK. SHIT. ASS”1. Then, I’d put the yarn back in (to seal in the words, you see), walk over to the next bin, and do it again with a separate set of words. I remember thinking “these bins can only handle, like, 4 words at a time”. And I’d do it until I ran out of words.

No one ever caught me, or at least never told me they caught me. I’m sure they’d have alerted my mother if they saw me — “Ma’am.. your child was cursing into the yarn bins. 4 words at a time. That’s… probably against a rule of ours. Probably something about not harassing the merchandise.”. I know if I saw a 6 year old yelling into yarn bins, I’d say something to someone about it.

I guess I looked at it as a sort of “confessional”, since I always lied in confessionals – I figured those bastards would certainly tell my mom anything bad I did, so I’d make up some really small infraction and pretend to be sorry about it. But, the yarn bins? Man, they got the wrath. 4 words at a time. Not real confessions, just curse words. But, I feel like there was a lot of subtext that ol’ Yarn Bin would totally pick up on.

I got pretty comfortable with it to the point that I thought “maybe these words aren’t so bad”. One time, my mom dropped something at the store and looked upset, so I said “SHIT!” (y’know, helpin’ her out). She immediately knelt down, dropped my pants AND underwear, and spanked me twice. After that, I was like “yeah.. gonna just keep these words between me and the Yarn Bins from now on”.

  1. I was the resident kid on the playground that taught all the dirty words to the other kids. I’m not sure how I knew them, but… man, I had a list!