Embiggen (verb) : to make bigger or more expansive

Let me roll back the clock to 2003. I’ve spoken before about my ill-fated mission to move to NYC by way of Florida, only to backtrack 3 days later. Some might wonder “wait, how did you finance that terrible adventure and not end up broke?”.

The short answer is : I digitally altered dicks to look larger than humanly possible.

The long answer is … well, this story.

THIS STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL IMAGERY, IN CASE THE NSFW TAG DIDN’T MAKE THAT SHIT OBVIOUS

When I had come up with my hair-brained (but well-meaning, I want to make clear) plan, The Boss at the first porn job I had told me that he had a buddy in Florida who was looking for someone of my skillset. In retrospect, it’s odd he didn’t care at all that I was leaving the company despite being their most prolific designer, but I suspect he was too busy counting money — online porn from 1999 to 2008 was practically a license to print money — and I don’t think he cared who did what or how well they did it unless one of the higher-ups complained.

During that conversation, he told me that he has a good project in mind for me that would work better for me as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. He wanted to make a “Big Dicks” site for our network (we exclusively ran niche fetish sites) but didn’t want to just stick to the standard route of hiring solely “Big Dick Actors”, he wanted a lot of variety and enough content to make this site seem like it was THE site.

The company was somewhat infamous for puffing out their chest on their sites to make them seem bigger than they were. Some common pop phrases used on our more extreme sites was “This is the site Howard Stern talked about!”, “So explicit, CNN warned viewers about us!”, and one of my faves “We’d love to show you all the goodies for free, but it’s just too much!”.

When I first started, I asked my manager (not to be confused with The Boss) about which episode and content Howard Stern mentioned. I was so curious to hear what was “so shocking” about this content. He said “oh, we just write that shit to sell memberships, he’s never even mentioned us”. This is pre-Sirius/XM Stern. Pre YouTube. I learned what Google was from a programmer who worked there, having previously always used Yahoo to search. There really wasn’t any ability, at the time, to search or hear things discussed on Howard Stern unless they were particularly viral (somehow) and/or you were a superfan. So, you could tell people that Stern was “blown away!” by your content and no one could call you on your shit.

I digress, as I do. What The Boss did was buy a batch of about 5,000 photos with no “known” talent at a cut-rate price and he wanted Photoshop expert folks like myself to edit every single photo to make the dicks look “fucking huge” (dotcom). He had two other guys in the office working on them, but they could only process – combined – about 10 photos a day. He gave me a few sample photos to take home and told me to email him the results. I spent maybe 5-10 minutes on each one and emailed them back. When I got to work the next day, he said “holy shit! these are great! How long did it take you?”. I fibbed and told him “about 20 minutes each”. He offered me $2 per photo to do as many as I could.

Over the course of the next month or so, I edited easily 3,000 or more of those photos. I got so good at it that I could open a photo, stretch/widen the dick and move on within about 2 minutes. In cases where I needed to adjust vaginal openings, jaws, or hand grips to reasonably accommodate the larger dick than what was in the original photos, I would spend — at most — about 5 minutes on those. I worked like a fucking machine.

We would have parties at the house and people would walk past my computer and be in awe “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DUDE?” and I’d explain my process as I furiously Photoshop’d dick after dick after dick. In the house — which was 4 people : myself, my girlfriend, my roommate/coworker (well, former coworker, technically), and his girlfriend) — my nickname was “Dick Expert”. Every once in awhile I’d do a set of ridiculous images that I had to show off and we’d all have a laugh at “no, no, the human jaw doesn’t work that way! But… it somehow looks realistic!”. About once a week, I’d have these bizarre nightmares where I’d pull out my dick and it would be the size of a baby carrot. I’d wake up thinking “jesus, I have a tiny dick”. My girlfriend, bless her heart, re-assured me that I was comparing myself to literal fantasy that I, myself, was creating out of thin air to sell a website.

At the end of my journey, I grabbed my thousands of Evil Big Dick Dollars and asked “so, what next?”. The Boss suddenly realized he didn’t have a designer able to actually make the fucking website. So, he paid me extra to make the tour. The tour is what porn sites show you before you join — this isn’t quite as common today, but it’s still on pretty much any non-tube site out there. He also didn’t know what to do with these 1000s of images I’d created for them. He couldn’t list them under performer names as we usually did, because they were all “no-names” and/or one-off shoots that never went anywhere.

I had an idea.

I said “well, if we’re pretending this is THE big dick site, what if we made a character who’s been collecting his favorite big dick images for years and he sold us his archive because we’re THAT good?”. It sold. The Boss fucking loved it. He said “yeah, yeah, give his archive a clever name like ‘Tony’s Dick Archive’ or something”. I realized the easiest “clever” name and said “Uhhh… what about just calling it ‘Rick’s Dicks’?”. Another homer, out of the park.

While making the tour, The Boss said “okay, okay, the dicks you made were great – but this is THE TOUR. These dicks need to be FUCKING MASSIVE”. So, I had to go in to my “archives” for the best ones and make them, like, 20% bigger just for the tour. This led to some hilarious results (in case you’re wondering, yes, I did write every single word of this tour which is why most of it is so ridiculous).

Here was the first page of the tour…

If you know anything at all about dicks, vaginas, jaws, or basic fucking human anatomy, you’ll immediately think “oh. uhh.. well, that’s ridiculous”. I digitally dislocated that woman’s jaw to swallow a dick bigger than your calf muscle, for god’s sake. But in the glorious early-aughts, we made fucking bank on the backs of desperate fetishists. You want to see more of the tour, you say? You want to see how fucking insanely unrealistic this shit got? Well, okay…

Yes, this is absurd

I meaaaan… the dick is larger than his arm

yes, I even altered the double-ended dildo to be “Fucking Huge”

“But, wait!” (you may be saying to yourself) “…where’s the LAST page of the tour? Where’s Rick and his Dicks?”. Oh, dear reader. What fun would it be to just lump that in with the rest of the screenshots, as if it’s just another page of the tour? No, no. I need to make a big fucking show of it. Are you ready for the big show? Here’s the final page, and my “Rick” selfie, which existed on the internet for all to see from 2003 until around 2015 (thank you archive.org for archiving such filth)…

Do you see it now? Me, with flared pink-and-black hair, in big ol’ douchey sunglasses, intentionally making the douchiest face possible? Yup, that’s me. And in case you think “well, Mitcz is a Photoshop expert, he could whip that up in a heartbeat to support this outlandish story!”, I invite you to see for yourself on archive.org.

You might also ask yourself “wait! what’s this about an ‘exclusive interview’ I’m hearing about?”. See, part of my pitch to The Boss was that Rick should seem like a fucking expert in this field and the fact that he sold his entire archive to FuckingHuge.com means that he takes THIS site, in particular, as the high water mark of Big Dick sites. It makes sense, y’know? If this person existed in the late 90s and then a huge site rose to prominence above all others in the early-aughts, he might wanna strike a deal and give them exclusive access to his archives. Except, y’know, it was all bullshit. BUT! This “Rick’s Dicks” archive, and the ensuing “interview” accomplished several goals :

• It seemed real enough that it gave us legitimacy (i.e. “oh shit, apparently I’m a layman who doesn’t know about legendary Rick”)
• It gave us a reason to publish those 1000s of photos I (and others) worked on (i.e. “this dude is the king! and he gave us his treasure!”)
• The “interview” showed the passion for the fetish, and justified it for others (i.e. “this dude is clearly straight, so I’m not gay for being into this!”)
• The “interview” also gave us an opportunity to confront the nay-sayers ahead of time (I’d tell you how, but the interview is worth reading)

I accomplished those 4 goals between that little thumbnail, that name, and this actual “exclusive interview” (where I interviewed myself as a fake journalist talking to a fake fetishist) — Again, check that archive.org link above and you can click my face and read the “interview” yourself if you don’t believe this shit actually existed on the internet for 12 years — and you can read it here :

FUCKINGHUGE.COM: First off Rick, I’d just like to thank you for taking this time out of your “busy schedule” to join us for a quick interview

RICK: No problemo, man. Happy to do it.

FH: For people out there reading this right now that don’t know what the “Rick’s Dicks Collection” is, why don’t you quickly explain it?

RICK: Well, I’m a lover of these massive cock pictures, the whole “fetish” (as some would say) is a huge interest of mine, and I’ve spent the better part of the last few years gathering pictures from newsgroups, friends, wherever I could and I’ve compiled these into my personal collection. When FuckingHuge.com came along, wondering how they could acquire a similar collection – I just up and sold them rights to put it on their site. FH is the best big cock site out there, so I’m honored to get to share my collection with them.

FH: Thank you for that. Now, some people think being into this Niche of huge cocks might be considered a gay fascination. How do you respond?

RICK: Well, I could see where the gay community would certainly find an interest in this, and I certainly support that. But, I’m not gay. The fascination isn’t about looking, it’s about being. Like, I don’t see hundreds of different men with huge dicks pounding the shit out of the pussies of 100’s of tight little hotties — I see ME doing that. And, when you get a look at these girls, and see them struggling to take it all in – you know they love cock so much that they’ll go through some pain to get the best fuck they can! How could you not love that?

FH: Good point. Thanx for clearing that up. Another hot question in the adult world is.. well, aren’t some of these fake?

RICK: Not really, no. I can say I may have come across a few fake ones in my time, but to my knowledge there’s none that are patheticly fake in my collection. Once again, you have to get into the idea of the niche. It’s not about real or fake, or even how big they really are. The idea is that this woman’s getting ripped apart – and you can look and see that shit happening. The people who sit around pointing at these images and saying “ohhh… man, that’s SO fake” are the same bunch of inbred jackoffs that sit through Star Wars and say “The Millenium Falcon looks like a large piece of plastic, and could it really hit warp speed within 3.4 parsecs?”. The point is – did you enjoy it? If the answer is yes – then fuck off with how it got that way, and just enjoy it. Though, I think fans of the FH site will see right past that, and get the best out of it that they can. That’s who my collection is for anyway, the connoisseurs – like me.

FH: Well, that about wraps it up. Thanx again Rick, and I look forward to seeing more of your collection.

RICK: I’ll bet you do. Just as I look forward to making it even bigger. *laughs*

I swear to fuck I should get a prize for weird solutions to even weirder problems. The site even had forums back in the day, where actual members thought Rick was actually real, and would actually say that he was “the king of this content”, and other people would actually claim to have encountered “Rick” on newsgroups of yore and lend him more legimitacy.

Ah… those were the days.